Title: The Last of the Brave: Divided We Fall

Author: CooperHChurch

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3.5/5

A lot of really good things happening in your summary! I actually really like the exposition at the start, that explains the worldbuilding and context in a succinct but chronological way – and the way that leads into the actual crux of what the story is about is effective. Additionally, the summary introduces the protagonist, the conflict, and perfectly hints at the stakes.

I do, however, have some suggestions.

First of all, I think that final paragraph needs a little more – specifically, I think you need to show what your character must do. Like, okay, there is little hope for the crew, yes. So what do they have to do about it? How are they going to get out? Consider including a sentence such as, 'Mercer must now...' and then fill in the blank, or consider instead, 'Will Mercer be able to...' and fill in the blank. I think that will just add a bit more direction and impact to your summary.

Also watch out for grammatical issues:

After being sent to join the 13th Fleet at Drexicon IX, the largest military staging area in UEG controlled space.

That's not a complete sentence – consider rephrasing it.

In 2108, 20 years after World War III devastated the Earth, with resources becoming scarce humanity looked towards the stars...

I would add another comma for fluency purposes, so that it looks like:

In 2108, 20 years after World War III devastated the Earth, with resources becoming scarce, humanity looked towards the stars...

Grammar: 3/5

Your grammar isn't too bad – it's quite polished and refined. However, there are definitely a few recurring errors throughout your chapter. Let's go through them, shall we?

First of all, let's talk about run-on sentences. These are basically when you've got two independent clauses joined together with either a comma (making it a comma splice) or nothing at all. An independent clause, by the way, is a clause that could be a sentence on its own. So, for example:

Scorpion Fleet Shipyard was bustling with activity even in the early morning hours, the repairs on the Endurance have been continuous going twenty-four hours, seven days a week to prepare her for the long haul going forwards.

This can be split into two sentences, and it should be. In fact, that whole sentence needs a bit of revising with its commas and phrasing. I suggest:

Scorpion Fleet Shipyard was bustling with activity even in the early morning hours. The repairs on the Endurance had been continuous – twenty-four hours, seven days a week – to prepare her for the long haul going forwards.

Notice that I changed 'have' to 'had' – that's to keep the tenses consistently in past tense.

Next, dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"There is one request that I made before retiring, and I want you to honour it." Said Admiral Hoshino.

It should be:

"There is one request that I made before retiring, and I want you to honour it," said Admiral Hoshino.

Another example:

"Bring us in, one quarter impulse." She said, as she leaned on the console.

It should be:

"Bring us in, one quarter impulse," she said as she leaned on the console.

Notice I also removed the comma. In fact, I would even suggest rereading your whole story aloud to work out where you need a pause for fluency and where you don't, because the commas are currently a bit random. You also just have some sentences that don't quite make sense, such as:

Stopping his cocked his head as he saw where it was taking him.

Consider:

Stopping, he clocked his head as he saw where it was taking him.

Characterisation: 3/5

Okay, so I think your characters feel very grounded and real, and I love how well they suit the story. It feels like they are designed for your story and your story alone, so I commend you for that. However, I'm not sure if it's because of the formal and military-esque setting, but I'm finding the characters quite rigid and lacking emotion.

For example, when Forest is granted the rank of Admiral third class, we definitely got a bit of emotion in how he responded. However, I wanted more. It was the first chapter in, and I wanted a more grounding presence to help me understand whether things were positive or not. Use your characters for that – show us what it felt like for him, and show us his thoughts and feelings throughout that moment.

Really, it's just a matter of slowing down the pace to flesh it out more. Another example – when Barnes tells Liz about her dead parents, this is what we got:

He stood up, and she collapsed in his arms. He just held her as she let it all out.

This is a good practice example to try fleshing out. That last part – when she lets it all out. Show us more. What did she do? Was she shaking? What did your crying sound like? What did he feel as he held her? What was running through his head? By fleshing out the thoughts and feelings of the moment, the characters will feel less robotic and action-driven.

Writing Style: 3/5

I already spoke about fleshing out and slowing down the pace when it came to characters, but in general, I think the writing could be a lot more immersive. I want to see more literary devices pop up – including personification, metaphor, and simile. I want to feel what your characters would be feeling in the moment. Let's look at another example:

As he walked in, he felt uneasy as the gravity changed to half of Earths normal gravity.

Okay, so what does that feel like? What would we be experiencing if we were him? How would that feel? Really put us in that moment, as it also helps develop your setting and world.

Also, this is a really specific critique, but you use the word 'nod' a lot. Like, your characters are constantly nodding – to a point where I noticed and started tallying. In chapter one, you used 'nod/nodded/nodding' six times, but then, in chapter two, you did it sixteen times. Some examples of what I'm talking about:

As he nodded, he looked over at...

The young crewmen all nodded and took control...

The young crewman nodded as he continued...

The crewmen nodded as they flipped...

The three crewmen nodded and began quickly...

Barnes gave them a quick nod of approval...

Colonel McBatten nodded before he reached out...

And twice as many in that one chapter. I really suggest going back and limiting that because too much is too much, and when the reader becomes aware of such repetition, it makes the reading really awkward.

Plot + Originality: 4/5

I honestly wish I got more setting because of the new setting and world, but nonetheless, I loved so much of the energy within the story itself! It was brimming with familiar but also futuristic language, with nano-technology, gene therapy, and people literally being 130 years old. You clearly know your stuff, and that was evident as I read about the types of equipment, calculations, manufacturing of iron rods, ammunition and all.

The whole story is about survival, with a war lingering in the background, and the best thing about your story is that things go awry – the crew have to do a complex jump when they were expecting no jump, and there are bits of tension and suspense within each chapter.

The end of part one has a touch of melancholy – learning about how the ship had been lost due to the illegal cloaking technology testing, and learning about the sacrifice of the crew members from Excalibur – it was very intense, and reinforced nicely how they are the last of the brave and really brought forward those themes of survival.

And now, vengeance is beginning and there is a more streamlined focus to your plot! Liz is ready to get revenge, and I'm excited to see what comes next.

OVERALL SCORE: 16.5/25

Overall, a promising story with lots of fantastic thought put into it. I suggest slowing down the pace and working on your punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!