Title: Destiny

Author: Mubina_Hussain

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3.5/5

I think you've got a pretty good summary. It follows that very promising structure that we see in most contemporary romances, where you introduce the two protagonists separately and then make the reader question what will happen the moment their worlds collide. It's definitely intriguing, and I love the rhetorical question and the way you juxtapose their two lives, but I wonder if you could even include more.

What makes your story entirely its own? Why are they put in a house together? What's the conflict? What could possibly go wrong – what could possibly go right? Why should we want them to succeed? These questions, by including answers within your summary, would give it a more personalised touch and shows how yours branches away from the plethora of other stories that introduce their characters similarly.

Additionally, watch out for commas! For example:

Shayan, known for his good looks and IQ leaves girls swooning as he walks by...

It should be:

Shayan, known for his good looks and IQ, leaves girls swooning as he walks by...

Grammar: 3/5

So, overall, your writing was pretty fluent and easy to follow, but there were a few grammar and punctuation issues that could be resolved. Let's go through them, shall we?

"Fine mum I'll be ready in a minute."

First of all, 'mum' needs to be capitalised because it's being used as a proper noun. Basically, if you say 'mum' or 'dad', it should be capitalised; however, on the flip side, if you say 'my mum' or 'my dad', there's no need to capitalise it as it is no longer a proper noun. You also need commas, and it should be:

"Fine, Mum, I'll be ready in a minute."

Another example:

"Tell dad to get his car out from the parking lot." I said and pulled away from her sliding my hands on both her arms. "You need help?" She asked.

Not only did you make the same capitalisation error, but there are a few errors with dialogue. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation).

Additionally, when you have more than one character speaking, you need a separate paragraph for them. It should look like:

"Tell Dad to get his car out from the parking lot," I said and pulled her away from her, sliding my hands on both her arms.

"You need help?" she asked.

Watch out for tenses - especially when you're referring to the future. You're mostly in past tense, so you need to keep that consistent. For example:

I waved my hand to say bye to my dad. [waved = past tense]

I will miss him. [will = present tense]

It should be I would miss him.

You're also having sentences lacking capital letters at the start, full-stops at the end, and some moments like this where you're using the verb instead of the noun:

"Sha-Shayan," He said out of breathe.

Breathe is the verb. It should be:

"Sha-Shayan," he said, out of breath.

Characterisation: 3.5/5

Your protagonist is a firecracker! And I think you've done her character well. She is very self-conscious of all the bullying she's experienced, so it makes sense that she instantly gets a little intense when they're playing that 'check' game and he said check to having a girlfriend, so she jumps on it until he pins her to the cupboard. She's so used to being toyed around with that she instantly jumps to the conclusion that others are making fun of her.

My favourite part? The development. Throughout the story, we see her grow out of her shell, and it's so inspiring. I loved seeing the way she giggles so freely with Ahmed when Farah helps him with his assignment, and the way she deviously takes pictures of him and Seb drooling with each other at the back of the car. I also think you've done a really good job showing the reader her thought processes when she can't stand up for herself – the way you show that chest ache, the thoughts, the ruminating thoughts of the bullying; all of that was handled very well.

As for Shayan, well, you know he is a softie when he has a Nicholas Sparks movie on his computer (I think it was A Walk to Remember?). I find it so sweet that, despite his cocky attitude, when he sees her upset, he looks out for her.

I think the main issue I had with characterisation just involved the writing – in particular, telling instead of showing. I'll speak about this more in the next section to avoid redundancy.

Writing Style: 3/5

I talked about showing instead of telling, which I would encourage you to do more of – especially regarding characterisation, and making sure we are introduced to them and their ambitions in a fluent, subtle way that doesn't feel too awkward. For example, at the very start of the first chapter, when we're meeting your protagonist, we see:

I mumbled, snapping out of my thoughts on how saddening it would be for me to leave my hometown to go to another city for my college.

Back it up. Slow down. What? We're just meeting this character. Show us those thoughts – show us how that sadness feels like. What would we be feeling if we were in her shoes? What exactly is she thinking? Show us these thoughts and feelings before just throwing them at us in a very 'telling' way so that it's more fluent and subtle.

Another example:

I hung up the call and my legs were finally giving up. I sat down on the bench shaking. I didn't know if I was having another panic attack.

Then, she starts yelling at people, but before that – show it to us. Chances are, your reader hasn't experiencing a panic attack before. So show it to us. What makes her wonder if she's having a panic attack again? Other than the shaking and legs giving up, what exactly would she be feeling? Thinking? Give us more, and use literary devices such as personification, simile and metaphor to add a more personalised touch to your story.

Also, instead of doing these:

**In train**

Introduce the setting by actually showing it to us. I didn't catch a lot of setting description, and I would love to see more. Describe it for us – the visuals, the sounds, the smells. Really put the reader in your characters' shoes so that your story is more immersive and engaging.

Plot + Originality: 4/5

While I love that her relationship with Shayan helps her grow confidence, and it's almost symbolic in how we see her nearly jump off the balcony for him, it happens very fast. There are 50 chapters so far, and it's not a completed story, and by chapter five she's already realising she's fallen in love with him – I just wish you slowed the romance down a lot more because it just left less room for them to grow, and a lot of repetitive fluffy moments that are cute but almost seem lie they've already happened.

Either way, the banter is super fun – with her showing her feisty side; I laughed when he didn't let her use any of her things, so she got revenge by switching the bathroom lights off. Obviously, there's a connection they have and it's because, as we learn, she knew him from before – she just forgot some aspects of her past, including him. Even though they were really young anyways when she met him. The truth and dare game was fun, too! The writing itself is quite humorous – I have to say, I laughed aloud and showed my mum the line that was, "I left out the kiss part because it could end up in marriage. We are Indians."

I liked the second stretch of the chapters I read, where it becomes about confronting her past – meeting Joe, Roy and Victoria. It's interesting seeing Victoria, and having that stuck-up girl change to someone who is getting upset by the way Joe is treating her – it's a great moment of juxtaposition. And now we see why Haaniyah was bullied by him – he was envious of her family, the love she had. We also learn about Shayan's past with his uncle, that Ryan told her despite Shayan wanting to keep it a secret – I love all these parts unravelling!

I love the message at the end, about the past being the past, no one being a monster, and the way Haaniyah refuses to believe it and let herself live that way. There's still more drama and conflict to resolve – with Seb confessing his love and even kissing her in front of Shayan, and then poor Shayan's reaction to his mother dying is heartbreaking. I'm interested to see how you resolve all the conflict now!

OVERALL SCORE: 17/25

Overall, well done in writing a promising story with fun writing. Make sure you polish your punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!