Title: A Day That Changed Everything

Author: Miabookworm12

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3/5

Your summary has some very important aspects within it; I love that you introduce it as if it is being introduced as a bit of a movie trailer, and you seamlessly show us who your protagonist is and move onto who she is and how she is relevant. The rhetorical questions are also very playful, and the end makes the story sound very quirky and fun.

However, I'm missing the conflict and stakes. The "life be as colourless as it is" is a good way to hint at what the stakes are, but here's the problem: you already said it wasn't the end of her world. With that, as well, there has been no recurring metaphor of the 'colourless' life. If you're going to use a metaphor as your stakes, you need to mention it beforehand so that the summary flows cohesively.

I wish you were a bit more detailed and properly wove in the conflict elements, rather than just listing it all in a single sentence. "However, when [insert neighbour] flies, [describe how this may or may not influence Saumya]. Then, be more specific about what the marriage proposal is and how it makes the story more dramatic. 

Grammar: 2/5

Overall, your grammar and punctuation could definitely use some work. Don't worry – I'll go through some of the consistent errors I found.

First of all, let's talk about punctuation and dialogue. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Saumya go" Aunty said.

It should be:

"Saumya, go," Aunty said.

Another example:

"Hello", she said.

The comma should come before the closing inverted commas. It should be:

"Hello," she said.

Next, while we're still on punctuation, let's discuss commas. In short, you do not seem to use commas whenever they are crucially needed. A comma indicates a slight pause in the sentence for fluency purposes, and is even used to separate dependent clauses from one another to create a complete sentence. Now, read this aloud:

"Hey miss you're forgetful I know but truly I'm shocked to learn that you can even forget your bestie," shouted Surbhi.

When read aloud, there are most definitely spots where you need to pause for the sentence to sound cohesive. I would even consider revising the whole sentence so that it's:

"Hey, miss! I know you're forgetful but, truly, I'm shocked to learn that you can even forget your bestie," shouted Surbhi.

Along with missing commas, you have missing full-stops at the end of sentences and missing question marks at the end of questions. I would consider going back and revising that. Furthermore, watch out for spacing:

...down her eyes.Akash got up from...

There needs to be a space after the full-stop. It should be:

...down her eyes. Akash got up from...

Another example:

"I don't have a say in this...........," said Dr. Malhotra , Surbhi's husband.

There are a few things wrong with that above example, but first of all, the comma should not be a space after the doctor's name. Secondly, when you use ellipsis, use three dots only (...) – not ten. It's grammatically incorrect, redundant, and unprofessional. If you want to draw suspense, you must write the dialogue and the description around it in a way that shapes the mood. It should be:

"I don't have a say in this..." said Dr. Malhotra, Surbhi's husband.

Be careful of proper nouns. Whenever you say 'mummy' instead of 'my mummy', it needs to be capitalised because it's considered a name. For example:

"Okay mummy" Pia replied sarcastically.

It should be:

"Okay, Mummy," Pia replied sarcastically.

Next, apostrophes. If you are using a contraction, you must use an apostrophe to indicate it is a contraction. For example:

"Oh god its pulses not crayons."

"It's" is the contraction of "it is". Therefore, it should be:

"Oh god, it's pulses, not crayons."

And make sure you're using verbs properly. For example:

Walking towards her car she sighed blissfully as the wind soft through her black locks.

The wind can't 'soft' through anything, since soft isn't a verb. Also, you're missing commas. Consider:

Walking towards her car, she sighed blissfully as the wind [ran/slipped/tore – depending on the type of wind you want it to be] through her black locks. 

Characterisation: 3/5

Poor Saumya has already been through so much – losing so many people. Instantly, the reader just wants her to have a happy ending. It's nice to see the way she enjoys her life with her sister without really wanting to be pressured into marriage, but it's still sad to see the way she's given up on her dreams because of the tragedy of three years ago. Nonetheless, she has bits of sarcasm with her, and it's so interesting to see how articulate and professionally she speaks.

Quick mention: I love Pia. She does act like a blend between an eight-year-old and a twenty-year-old, and she's so sassy. Cute!

My main issues with characters is they felt really rigid because you told rather than showed. For example, when Saumya is upset, you should endeavour to make the reader feel and understand it – we want to know the thought process, or how she feels. Don't just write:

Though she tried to hide her sadness her friend could easily see through it.

Make us see and feel that sadness. Make her remember those sad recollections. Also, avoid word vomiting a character's personality in dialogue. For example, when Surbhi is talking to Akash, she goes on and on about how Saumya is now a robot, she's become so cynical, she used to be sarcastic and witty and now she has all her emotions bottled up in her heart. It's just... strange? Like people don't analyse their friends like that aloud in such a tell-tell manner. They may say that, "She's become so closed off" or "She's stopped smiling" – but to say things like "She now has all her emotions bottled up in her heart" feels so forced.

Another example:

Her heart was filled with golden rays of hope which emitted their positivity in her vicinity and captivated one and all.

Don't tell it to us. Show it. Show us Pia's radiance through her dialogue, and if you want her to seem captivating, make heads turn so that she is shown to be like that. 

Writing Style: 2.5/5

I've already mentioned showing instead of telling, as well as commas. In fact, I think that if you straighten up your comma usage, your story will be a lot easier and fluent to read, especially considering how nicely it is communicated to the reader.

While I love the way you tried to employ meticulous descriptions, you need to be careful about how you do it. I'll discuss some examples so it makes sense:

Her eyes held the maturity and innocence and everyone found themselves bathing in her ocean; her eyes.

Her eyes held the maturity and innocence of what? You've also used eyes twice in a single sentence, which is redundant and awkward for the reader.

She was dozing on the couch in the living room with a book in hand which made it evident that she had fallen into a deep slumber.

How does holding a book in hand make it evident that she is sleeping? When I'm holding a book in my hand, it's because I'm reading. Not sleeping. Additionally, dozing off and being in a deep slumber are two different things – they shouldn't be happening simultaneously.

The room which told stories of a girl's happy childhood was now filled with gloomy dread of its insecure owner who was presently shifting in her sleep with the sun interrupting her apparently peaceful sleep.

Once again, you've repeated 'sleep' twice, making it awkward to read. Additionally, be more specific – how does the room appear gloomy?

Also, with dialogue, I encourage you to use dialogue tags – especially in places where it becomes unclear who is speaking. Additionally, when you have the same character speaking, I encourage you to keep it to one paragraph so it's not confusing for the reader. For example:

Saumya said, "Had someone told us that we would be arguing over which onesie to buy for the baby just a year ago we would have burst out laughing."

"So true, Saumya."

"I am so tired Saumya."

"What?! I was holding..."

First of all, consider changing '?!' to a simple question mark, but also, in the middle, it's a bit confusing because there is a new paragraph for the exact same speaker. Just consider:

Saumya said, "Had someone told us that we would be arguing over which onesie to buy for the baby just a year ago, we would have burst out laughing."

"So true, Saumya. I am so tired."

"What? I was holding..." 

Plot + Originality: 3/5

Esha's arrival will be interesting, and I like that there's the constant niggling pressure of marriage driving the story forwards. It is very culturally heavy, which is fantastic, and since I feel like you've only just set up the story, it's hard to judge the overall plot – I haven't see the rising tension, the climax or resolution yet.

However, so far, I'm finding a bunch of scenes quite purposeless? Or, at the very least, I'm seeing them as missed opportunities?

For example, that first chapter, what was the point of that 'car ride'? The new character introduced spoke for one line before the car ride, and they never spoke in the car ride. Whenever you introduce a character, you should try making it slightly impactful – and make them linger for a bit so that I can see their relevance to the scene.

Also, the scene with Pia and Akshit – while it was cute, what was the point? We saw them discuss what to eat, her watching television while he cooked... but was it an essential element to the plot? Will it drive the story forward in a certain way, through either character development or story development?

Anyways, my advice to you is to keep your story streamlined as you continue. Also, curious about the title – it's about a day that changed everything, and yet, there wasn't even much emphasis on the day itself. It feels like the story is more about growth and acceptance rather than focusing on that specific day, but that's just my thoughts on it. "A Day That Changed Everything" is something I would title a story where most of the plot occurred on a certain day, or there was a big twist that occurred on that day that would shape up the climax of the story. Again, my personal opinion – I was just curious about it. 

OVERALL SCORE: 12.5/25

Overall, a story with some nice moments of description and concepts! Just make sure you work on your punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!