Title: Vishta

Author: praisyevermore

Reviewer: linalagosya

Summary: 4/5

The summary has a lot of good information in it. It gives a hint into what kind of person Vishta is while showing some of the potential conflicts she might get into. And not just her, but her kingdom as well. The summary is a bit too long. The information gets a bit confusing when trying to compare the top half and the bottom half of the blurb. Is the seemingly dangerous king the same prince turned king from the top half? Combining the two parts into one blurb and being clearer with the pronouns and names would bring this summary to the next level.

Grammar: 3.5/5

There were lots of sections where the grammar was good and any mistakes were barely noticeable, but there were quite a few sections where the errors were more frequent and it was more of a challenge to read. The story is still interesting enough to keep the reader engaged despite the errors and the grammatical errors aren't so bad that the reader won't comprehend what's happening. That said, here are some things to watch out for:

Misuse of tenses (particularly with anything using "have" or "had")

Ex. - "My two married sisters, however, were the type that whimper and whine if they had not been given enough attention" should be "My two married sisters, however, were the type that whimpered and whined if they were not given enough attention"

Misuse of propositions (using "in" instead of "on", that sort of thing)

Ex. - "...backed up at the head of my bed" should be "...backed into the head of my bed"

Missing words or misused words (such as "conspicuous" or "unscathed), and comparing objects that don't match:

Ex. - "A gasp, a cheer and a clap mixed with unconvinced people generated noise all over."

In this case, gasp/cheer/clap are noises, but "unconvinced people" is not a noise. So something like this would be more appropriate: "A gasp, a cheer, and a clap, mixed with the whispers of unconvinced people, generated noise all over."

Ex. - "trying to be half-hearted" should maybe be "trying to be lighthearted"

Ex. - "How did you know the exact words King Suza had commanded me to do?" should be "How did you know the exact words King Suza commanded me to say?"

Character Building: 4/5

The characters were really engaging. Vishta's strong will and unshakeable resolve make her someone to root for. She seems different from the other royalty. She also has a nice bit of sass and humor to add some lightness to the story. The way she takes in the servants on the ship as well shows that she can be caring and think of someone other than herself. Geviv seems like she's just a stuck-up princess, but actually she's incredibly wise, intelligent, and seems to be a master of information. She ends up being a lot more than what she seems, and that reveal was really nicely done. The scene with the sisters together at the lake was one of my favorites, because it showed their relationship so well, as well as their strengths and characteristics and how they differ. I also just want to mention Kikuhara, what a fun character! He does not put up with Vishta's nonsense, and I love his attitude. Readers will really enjoy him!

In Chapter Four, you lay out a really wonderful internal conflict that Vishta has. She says about her leaving her country to marry Suza: "I wanted it as much as I wanted to keep this." This is great, but would be better if we were shown, apart from just at the Lotus Lake, her love for her kingdom. Maybe as she's running home from Old Zhu's, or as she steps into the great hall and admires the tapestries that have been familiar to her since her youth, etc., we can get a sense of how much this kingdom means to her, so that when she has to leave it, we understand this internal conflict a bit more.

You do a great job of showing characteristics rather than just telling it to us. For example, you show the way that Geviv commands a room, or you show how Vishta isn't wearing the traditional clothes for royalty, which shows that she's different. The one thing I would recommend you could use a little clarity on is also giving us a bit of "why" for these characters. Vishta is not dressed in the silks she should be when she visits Old Zhu. That shows that she's different, as stated above. But - why is she different? Does she hate fashion, does she hate being royalty and want to be a commoner, does she just find silk uncomfortable? When it comes to marrying King Suza, it's clear that Vishta wants to marry him, but her reasoning is a bit confusing. There seems to be something in their past that is motivating her (which there is a nice mystery to their past, so I understand you don't want to give everything away), but maybe clue us in a little more to her emotions. Is it love? Is it curiosity about his kingdom? Is it stubbornness? Why has she been so adamant to wait for this proposal?

In the same way, the family's motivations could be clearer. It's a great conflict that the King and Geviv don't want Vishta to get married to Suza, and you do a good job of showing their adverse reaction. Geviv makes her reasoning clear later on - but what's the king's reasoning? Is he just bitter because Vishta has been waiting for this specific proposal? What about the Queen or the other princesses? They don't really have any dialogue or real part in the story. What are they like? What do they think of it all?

Giving us a little insight into their motivations as well as showing us their actions combine together to make beautiful characters. You have the showing of the actions, and just need a little work to make clearer their motivations.

I would love to have seen Vishta say goodbye to her family when she leaves on the ship. This could have been a great moment to really show who these characters are to each other and what their relationships are like before Vishta is off. 

Writing Style: 4/5

Overall I thought the writing style was nice and fit the tone of the story. There's a lightness and humor to the style that gives the story a fresh narrative. There are some great descriptions (like of the Lotus Lake, so beautiful!), but I think using just a bit more description would help the setting stand out even more. For example, the Great Hall could use much more description, as well as more detail about who all is inside. How many ambassadors from Migza are there? Is it just the one? How big is the Hall and what's inside it? What kind of throne does the King sit on? The more specificity and detail you use for certain parts, the more clear it will be to the reader. Not everything needs a lot of description, but you could definitely pick a few more places to do a deeper dive into the setting or even into describing the characters.

Plot + Originality: 4.5/5

I thought the structure and the plot was really well done. I do think the beginning could be slowed down a bit, but overall the way that things are revealed bit by bit was nice. The flashback to her first memory of King Suza was well-placed, as well as the reveal that Geviv might know more than she lets on. You set up a lot of good things in the scene where the ship is attacked (the cages - so spooky!, the Folks, and the Ancestrals) as well as hinting at potential conflict when Matius won't give her much information. I was hooked at that point and wanted to keep reading to figure out what was going on, as well as learn more about this mysterious King Suza.

There wasn't anything particularly original in the story, but rather, it was all the little pieces coming together in a fresh way to create the world that made this so unique. I think many readers will be invested in learning more about the characters and the world that you've set up here.

OVERALL SCORE: 20/25

This is a fantasy story with a fantastic, strong-willed heroine who many readers will love, a nice bit of humor and sass, and a healthy dose of fun world-building including warring kingdoms, barbarians, and large Falcon-monsters. The main characters are interesting and mysterious, making you want to learn more about them and their past. The dialogue is fun and clever, and there's a lot of subtext in things that are said and not said, which creates some good tension from scene to scene. The story starts a bit quickly, but overall the plot unfolds at a nice pace and sets up good conflict as it goes along. The story could work on making character motivations more clear, fixing some grammar issues, and including just a little bit more descriptions.