Title: The Eye

Author: CursedHobbit

Reviewer: linalagosya

Summary: 3/5

The summary has a good hook. You ask some intriguing questions and hint at some of the characters and what kind of journey they will be on. There is a bit of humor to the summary, which hints at the tone of the book, which is nice. However, I think speaking to the reader in the first portion of the blurb and then speaking in your own POV in the second portion doesn't quite work. I'd rather read, in third person, about who the character I'll be following is, what world they are in, and what kind of conflict they are going to face. If you can do that while keeping the humorous tone, I think readers will be even more intrigued.

Grammar: 2.5/5

Okay, so, for the most part, there weren't an egregious amount of different errors here. However, the errors you do make are consistent and make the read really challenging overall. The biggest issue is the paragraph breaks. All of the writing is in big paragraph chunks that need to be broken up into much smaller bits. This is true overall, but particularly with the dialogue. It's really hard to tell who is talking when all of it is smashed together like it is. So take just a piece of the last paragraph of your most recent chapter. It should be:

"OH MY GOD, EVA! THIS IS GREAT!! I am SO happy for you! I am SO excited! When can we meet them?"

Eva then glances my way briefly before looking back towards Raven. "You have already met him. It's Scott."

At the mention of Scott, Raven's smile droops. As she begins mentally processing this new development, she begins to sit back down. "How is that possible? A human? The Light Elf Princess' soulmate is... a human?"

Nobody says anything for a few seconds, and then it's like a fuse of understanding has been lit.

That's just one example of how to break up your paragraphs. I would recommend looking closely at a book you really enjoy and have read before. Not a wattpad book, maybe like Harry Potter or something like that. Read it just looking at where the paragraph breaks are. That will help a lot.

The other main issue is that the story switches between past and present tense really frequently. A part of that is due to the writing style, which I'll cover in that section, but the tenses should be kept consistent to make for a smooth read.

That said, on a basic level of sentence structure, this story has very little errors. It's just a matter of breaking up the paragraphs and working on keeping the tense consistent. That will make the read much more enjoyable. It will also probably help you get more readers, as many readers on Wattpad will see the long paragraphs and then not read it.

Character Building: 3.5/5

I think the protagonist is really well portrayed. I like how she described herself and her metaphor about being the more plain car compared to her friends. I love that she has two best friends that she feels less than, both in looks and status. That conflict is really nice. Her struggles with money and not having as much as her friends or always having to stay behind to work instead of go to fun parties, all of that was really relatable. I was excited for Minnie to go to college and really come into her own. I'm rooting for her to find her own path, as you've set it up.

Although the friends are very different from Minnie, I had a hard time telling them apart from each other. Minnie explains the differences, but we don't often see them express these differences in scenes. So it's hard not to confuse them. I was constantly mixing them up and even now I couldn't say exactly who is who. The scene at the welcome week party was the only time that I really got a sense of who, at least, Raven is. The line about her being a social butterfly really stuck with me and from then on I had an easier time telling them apart. But I'm not sure whether she's the elf princess or the daughter of a god. Those details got really mixed up. It also might be because in the first few chapters they're introduced together and tend to come up in the narrative at the same time. Splitting this up might help the reader tell them apart. That being said, I liked the intention of what their characters are supposed to be, I just think the story needs some work in separating them out.

The rest of the characters were a bit flatter, which is understandable. Minnie's parents were interesting but we didn't get to see much of them in any actual scenes, so it was hard to care about them. The same goes with Scott. He's introduced and then everything else about him is told in summary. We don't actually get to see him have a lot of dialogue or actions that express his character more.

Writing Style: 2/5

As much as I think the premise is fun and I like the protagonist, the biggest issue with this story is the writing style. Everything is told in summary, there is very little showing and very little actual scenes where people are doing anything. There are massive info dumps and a lot of explaining of the world without actually showing us what the world is. There are so many fun and interesting things going on in this story, and it is all hidden behind this writing style that is a bit hard to get through.

I can't stress this enough - you have to show instead of tell. Once you start to learn how to do this, you'll be surprised by how much your writing comes to life. And it will, because all of the content is there. You just have to practice and learn the right ways to express that content. I'll use the first chapter as an example.

In the first chapter, the narrator has a good voice. She's funny and likeable. The information you're sharing is good too, although it is a bit too much of an overload. But instead of telling us all about the world and the magic, why not show us? What is the character doing at that moment? Is she brewing up a potion? Is she in the middle of one of her mother's lectures? Let the information come naturally from what is happening in the scene. Instead of telling us all about her friends, why not have her go to school and actually see her friends? Does she run into Eva hitting on a boy? Is Raven busy organizing the graduation and making sure everyone knows all the information? What are the characters doing that can show us who they are and what they're like without you having to tell us in detail.

With the world building, let things come up naturally if you can. Instead of telling us about the expectations of the High Council, maybe show Minnie's mother being called away suddenly to take care of something. Then give us that information naturally, in a moment where it makes sense because it's been brought up. In this way, you can spread out the information more rather than giving it to the reader all at once, because it's hard to keep track of. There were so many rules and details about the world, which are all really cool, but when they're bunched up altogether like that it's really hard to retain that information.

The world building is also a bit lost in the writing style. We should be seeing Minnie use her magic from the first chapter. What does it look like? What does it feel like? What words does she say? How does magic work in this world? We don't know any of that. We're just told about her magic instead of shown.

Overall there isn't enough description. There are few moments where it shines through, like when she describes her dorms, but there are lots of moments where it feels underplayed and I can't really picture what's going on. It's fine to describe something at the start of a scene, like when she describes the field setup for graduation, but it's good to sprinkle in more description as the scene goes on as well.

For the dialogue style, sometimes it sounds more natural, like when the friends are talking. Other times, particularly when Minnie speaks to her parents or to her grandmother, the dialogue feels prepared like a speech. I recommend reading everything out loud to see what sounds most natural.

Plot + Originality: 4/5

Overall, I really enjoyed the plot and the way it moved forward. I liked that we got a glimpse of her home life and graduation before she moved away to college. I was intrigued by the mysterious letters and curious to know more about what kind of legacy Minnie will find at Arcane University. Although the idea of a magical school or magical factions isn't the most original, I enjoyed the unique ways you put everything together. I think you did a good job of drawing out the mystery of everything that's going on. It made me want to keep reading to figure it all out. Some specific thoughts on plot per chapter:

Chapter 1: 

It's a bit confusing whether or not she is actually going to attend Arcane University. At one point it seems futile and she's says she's not, but then she mentions saving her money for it. So that could be clearer.

Chapter 2: 

The scholarship was a nice twist and hints at something BIGGER going on, which is a nice way to set up what's going to happen in the story. The anonymous donor also adds to the mystery. It's a bit confusing whether or not humans know about the magical factions or not. Sometimes it seems like they do, sometimes it seems like they don't, and other times it seems like the world has just reached a decided and blissful ignorance.

Chapter 3: 

The introduction of the hunters seems a little underplayed. Maybe it could come up more naturally and they could tell us a little bit more about it. This seems like it's going to be a big plot point but I don't think enough attention was given to it.

Not sure if we need all of that information about the magical faction's views on sexuality just yet. Or at least, it could be trimmed down quite a bit.

There are some important moments glossed over - like our MC walking across and getting her diploma. It would be nice to see that and see how she feels.

The graduation provides some good ways into the MC's thought process of who she is and what she's meant to do, which plays into what the story seems to be about - figuring out her path and legacy. That's a nice setup here.

The letter provides a good mystery but it's unclear what the grandmother's motivations are.

Chapter 4: 

It seems a little silly to buy a car if she can't have it at the school. I wasn't sure of her motivation here.

Everything in this chapter is told in summary. I would love to have seen her feeling the strange presence in an actual written out scene. That seems like a big moment.

Chapter 5: 

The high council stuff is interesting, but maybe find more organic ways to put the information in and streamline it a bit. It could be trimmed down.

Let us see interactions between Scott and the girls so we get a better sense of who they all are. Right now, a lot of their day is glossed over. 

Chapter 6:

This is one place where I'd caution against TOO much detail. The apartment description felt like a bit of an overload.

Chapter 7:

Minnie telling Raven that Scott likes her seems really cruel and manipulative to her friends whom she claims to love. It doesn't seem to go with her character very well. 

Chapter 8: 

It's unclear why Minnie feels such a threat from Scott. You've mentioned there are things like hunters and such, and some dangers in this world, but we haven't actually seen any of it. Nor have we seen any evidence that Scott is a threat. Minnie just seems like she's overreacting to everything.

There are a lot of nice little touches to the real world in this chapter and throughout, like with The Little Mermaid and The Matrix. It helps the world feel grounded and real.

OVERALL SCORE: 15/25

I liked your cover, but I think the title is a bit generic. I don't really know what the story is about from "The Eye." However, I did like the series name (Bloodlines). I really did enjoy the content of this story and think it has a lot of promise. The characters are fun, the world is cool and engaging, and the plot has a nice mystery to it that will hook the readers. But a lot of that is bogged down by your writing style. I think this is an easy fix and with some work and practice as you continue to grow as a writer, this story will shine even brighter.