Title: Swapped Mate

Author: pandawithbraces

Reviewer: linalagosya

Summary: 3/5

The summary has good information but the wording is clunky and you have vague information that just makes things confusing instead of enticing. Referencing things like "certain circumstances" or "some secrets" or "unknown creatures" makes the blurb confusing rather than adding mystery. Try to be clear and specific, but still leave the ending open. I'm sorry, as I don't know what actually happens in the future of the story, I can't give more specific examples for this part. 

Grammar: 2.5/5

The formatting was overall done well, but there were a lot of clunky sentences, missing words, and misused words. I would recommend using something like Grammarly or an editor to catch these errors. There was a particular misuse/lack of prepositions, so that might be something you look into more carefully! Some examples of this:

Ch. 1 - "Yep, mom. I'm all good. Yeah na?" I laughed nervously while replying my mom who asked me if I was having jet lag or any problem with adapting.

Should be -

"Yep, Mom. I'm all good. Yeah na?" I laughed nervously while replying to my mom, who asked me if I had jet lag or any problems adapting.

Ch. 1 - It was hard for me to board in a flight.

Should be -

It was hard for me to board the flight.

These are just minor examples, but they're in every chapter, usually almost every paragraph, which makes the read a bit challenging! Again, I highly recommend cleaning it up using a grammar website or an editor.

Character Building: 3/5

Corin is a really fun character! I love how funny and quirky she is. She's also smart and tough and kind of ruthless when it comes to holding grudges and disliking people, haha! She was engaging to read and I laughed out loud at some parts at her inner monologue. I think this is one of the strengths of your story! I liked that she kind of hates everyone and is kind of mean. Her and her friend have a fun banter between them. It feels like over the course of the story she'll learn to open up more maybe? That's my guess.

The other characters, though, are pretty cut and dry. Not just because we aren't in their POVs. Ernest, since we have his POV, needs to be just as dynamic and fully fleshed out as Corin. Right now, he feels like any other character. They should be different, but they should both pop on the page.

The other side characters, apart from Corin's friend, kind of blended together. A lot of the personalities seemed the same and there were just so many characters. I would recommend being really clear on the different personalities and really showing how these characters differ from each other in scenes. An example from Teen Wolf if you've watched: Stiles is super funny and smart and quippy. Lydia is also smart and a bit conniving, but she hides it and she's super into appearances. Allison is more reserved and kind and open minded. Or another popular and easy example, Harry Potter. Think of how those characters are so different from each other. Even if the dialogue didn't always have a tag, you could guess who was talking. Something to think about!

For Corin and Ernest in particular, think about how they start the story versus how will they end it. How will they change and grow? What will they learn? Think more about their character arcs and make sure you're setting them up to fulfill those arcs. 

Writing Style: 1.5/5

I want to start with the strengths of this piece. The character's voice is super strong. She's funny and quirky and there's a humorous tone to this piece that I really enjoyed.

That said, this is the part of your story that I think needs the most work. The writing was confusing to follow, to the point where I often had no clue what was happening or why or who was who. There's little to no description, the writing is incredibly passive, and there's so much dialogue that it's hard to track.

One thing you can really work on is description. Be specific and write descriptions that speak to the tone, the setting, and the characters. The house is described as big enough for two families. That doesn't really tell me much. What's the house like inside? Is there the smell of her father or mother's cooking inside? Are their pictures of her on the wall? What's her room like? Is it filled with books? Description should be used to enhance the storytelling. Don't just make a list of things she sees or describe things that don't matter. And again, be specific. You have a lot of vague mentions of things, often using the word "some." Take a look at the use of that word in every chapter and replace it with something more specific. This will help a lot.

The passive writing was another issue that made the story feel inactive. You fall into using "was" quite a bit. Sometimes it's inevitable and it's okay to use it as much as you need. But you often use it when there are much better alternatives. Also you should try and cut out any words like "I felt" "I decided" "I chose" "I started" etc. They're often not needed!

To give more examples of some of these things and clarify what I'm talking about, look at this excerpt from chapter 1-

Even the watch wasn't working like my brain. I noticed that the time was going on anti-clockwise speedily. What the chlorine was going on?! I kept shaking my wrist like it would make the watch work properly. I chose to scream as I felt my hair went up altogether and stuck there like it was going to touch the clouds. While screaming, I closed my eyes and punched in the air again and again as I was feeling weird people doing this to me. My hair was all loose. So, I probably looked like some tree touching the sky. I tried to put my hair down but every time I touched it, I got some shock like electrical shock. Also, my hair was sticking altogether so hard.

Man, was I trapped and also with some unseen people?

I was about to punch in the air again but my physical state wasn't that co-operative. So, I stumbled to hold my balance. But, I think, I've punched something or someone. Right after that punch, forces from different directions kept pushing me backward again and again until I felt the last step on the ground.

I have no idea what's happening here. It should be an exciting passage, but because of the lack of description and the passive writing style, I am both confused and disinterested. It lacks punch. If you include more description, clear up clunky sentences, and make the sentences more active, you can create something much more dynamic:

The watch stopped working, just like my brain. The second hand spun counter-clockwise at a rapid pace. What the chlorine was going on? I shook my wrist again and again, like that was somehow going to make the watch work.

I screamed, startled, as my hair started to lift up towards the sky, entirely on its own. No, not on its own. Someone... or something... tugged at it, pulling it up towards the clouds. But I couldn't see anyone.

Panicked, my heart racing, I punched at the air around me. I pulled at my hair, trying to bring it back down. But as soon as my hand touched it, an electrical shock ran through me, along with a jolt of pain.

I was trapped, with some invisible force attacking me! I tried to punch again, but had trouble moving with my hair still tight in someone's grasp. A force pushed me back, towards the ledge of the cliff. Again and again, they pushed. I stumbled back, trying to fight, but they were too strong.

The next thing I knew, I stepped back onto nothing, and I was falling.

So this new passage isn't perfect, but it's a step. Hopefully that provides a good sample for you to see what I mean.

Another note on writing style: be careful of foreshadowing or hinting things with too heavy a hand. For example, in the first chapter you have the brother (at least, I think he's the brother, I'm unclear!) character call their father "father." Corin questions it but then shrugs it off like it's no big deal. Think about how someone would actually behave in that moment. If someone else called my father "father," I'd wonder what the hell was going on. In the same way, your character should not just brush it off and move along. When hints are too big like this, they make the story unbelievable. Consider being more subtle with your hints instead.

Be careful with the tone as well. There are times that are really ridiculous and funny, and then there are other times where you seem to go straight bloody horror, which confused the tone for me. There are two such great extremes, and there really wasn't any warning/preparation for when we'd be switching between the two, which was a little jarring.

One last note, the quotes at the beginning seem disconnected and a totally different tone than what your story was going for. I would recommend cutting them or making them more relevant to the tone and the character. If they were funnier or quirkier, perhaps, to match the character. They're so straightlaced as is.

Plot + Originality: 2.5/5

The premise is super original and unique, and I think that's the biggest strength of this piece. I love the twist upon the twist that not only are these two werewolf mates, but they also swap bodies. That adds an extra layer of fun and it's not something I've necessarily seen before in this genre.

That being said, I think the plot is muddled with plot holes, inconsistencies, and confusing changes in POV that cause a lot of the fun of this premise to be lost. The story moves forward at a rapid pace without taking enough time to set up the world, either Corin's normal world or the werewolf world.

Some thoughts on specific chapters:

Chapter One

Hard to believe a US teen would leave their phone behind when going on a hike alone in a strange country.

Chapter Two

It's too confusing to hear all the dialogue without any context and just random tags. Instead of being intriguing, it just muddles the storyline. I would recommend just having Corin wake up at the start of the chapter and follow the story from there. There's nothing that happens in the dialogue that we need to know anyway. 

Chapter Three

Again here, the cut to Ernest's POV is way too confusing. We're giving little to no context of the world or the characters, and there are so many characters and so much dialogue to try and follow. If you want to keep Ernest's POV, I'd recommend slowing the story down. Give us more context and description. Introduce the characters not altogether, and make their characteristics clear so we can tell them apart. Show us his world in different scenes. Don't depend on your reader just being able to understand everything about the wolf/witch world and rules you've created. They won't, even if they often read werewolf stuff. If Ernest's POV will be present more often, then I think you should include more of it in the early chapters.

Chapter Four

So here she's back home in the US? Why is she considered a new student? Is she not just going to the same school she was going to before visiting Brazil?

Some notes on US colleges that might be helpful for you! -

There is no gym (PE) class.

There also aren't "genius people" classes. A school can be really prestigious, and your major can be considered something "smart," but there aren't classes designated for "smarter" kids versus "not smarter" kids. A better way to word this would be that she's in a higher level class than she's supposed to be. For example, she could be in a 400 level class even though she's just a freshman (who usually have 100 or 200 level classes). If she was in a higher level class it probably wouldn't just be "chemistry" but something like "organic chemistry" or even more specific. But she would never be taking those kinds of high-level classes unless chemistry is her major.

There are no school bells.

There are no lockers.

Chapter Six

I have no idea what happens at the end. She spills her drink on herself? And also on him? And he lends her his sweater? And then she freaks out? That's my takeaway but I have no idea if that's right.

Chapter Seven

I would highly suggest that you not jump forward in time. The story is confusing enough as is, adding gimmicks like this only makes it harder on the reader. Just stick with Corin's POV (or alternate with Ernest if that's what you want to do), and tell the story chronologically. I had no idea what was happening in the beginning of this chapter, and not in a fun, mysterious way. Then the flashback didn't even flashback far enough to really help me along. You skip over the whole reveal of werewolves and witches. And if I'm correct, Ernest kidnaps her from school? He offers her a ride and then ties her up? Again, I'm really not sure. And we're not present enough with Corin in any of it. What's she thinking/feeling about all this? Don't skip over these important moments.

Chapter Eight

This could be a taste thing but I also think it's a good note objectively - I don't think you should have over half a chapter be texts between two characters. Unless that's a consistent gimmick of the story, it slows the story down. I would suggest cutting it way down or bring that information into a scene where the two of them are actually together. That's way more dynamic.

OVERALL SCORE: 12.5/25

Overall the strengths of this piece is the main character and her voice as well as the humor and the fun premise. But it needs a lot of work to make these things shine even more. I would recommend extensive revisions and editing to help build up the side characters, clarify the plot and the world, work on description and active writing, and clear up grammatical errors.

I hope this critique was helpful to you! I know I can be a bit of a hard critiquer, but I do try to be useful! Keep working at it. You obviously have a big imagination and you're hilarious, so use those strengths and practice and work on your writing craft and this story will continue to get better.