Title: Sushi and Sea Lions

Author: RCorsini

Reviewer: linalagosya

Summary: 4.5/5

I think your summary is pretty spot on. I like how you introduce each of them individually and then dedicate a paragraph to them being together. And then that last line is a great little teaser that will definitely make readers want to click into the story. The only reason I didn't give full points to this is that I think you get a little bit clunky at parts of the blurb. I suggest reading it out loud or running it through grammarly. There are just some spots that could be smoothed out. Like the last line of Vincent's paragraph and the second line of the relationship paragraph. Those sentences are a tad clunky/awkward. But other than that, great job on this!

Grammar: 4.5/5

Your grammar was also fairly spot on. The story was easy to read and there were no egregious errors. As I was reading I noticed some dialogue formatting issues in spots and some run-on sentences along with the odd typo. But it wasn't the norm. I think once you're done with your final revision, just a thorough proofread will fix everything up without much effort.

Character Building: 4/5

I really loved how realistic these characters were. Their relationship, though romantic, was grounded and down-to-earth. Although there was a deep, once-in-a-lifetime love there it wasn't like Vinny or Dany were this perfect person. They had real flaws, real frustrations moment to moment, that affected their relationship with each other. That was probably my favorite part of the story. For the most part, they felt like real, flawed people. 

I think you also did a good job of setting up how they were different from each other and how that is affecting their relationship. It's a nice parallel that they both sort of lose everything and then find it again, both in their own careers and with each other. But whereas Vinny is disillusioned to love, Dany is still a romantic. So it's a nice journey for them to go on to learn from each other. Vinny has to learn that true love is still possible, and worth risking it all for. Dany has to learn that some whirlwind fantasy romance isn't maybe what she thought it would be, but that doesn't mean it's not real. Nice arcs that cross each other in a really great way. Well done there.

I have a BIG pitch for Dany that I'll discuss more in the plot section, but overall I really enjoyed her character. I like how spontaneous and fun she is. I think you could even include a bit more of this aspect of her personality earlier on. I know she's sad about ballet and stuff, but I still think you can show this side of her more in the first half. At some point she talks about being free and spontaneous to Nate (I think she even mentions loving the zoo), but what she's saying to him isn't actually anything we've seen from her yet. So instead of having her tell us who she is in that moment, I want to see it for myself through the story. In the back half it's clear this is who she is.

Vinny is also a fun character. It's clear he tries to be a good guy, even if he messes up a bit. He doesn't have as many clearly defining characteristics as Dany, but I think that's okay. He's more mellow and even-tempered. I felt like his arc was a bit more stunted. Like you were punching certain points and then withholding the in between moments a bit? I want to track Vinny dealing with his divorce, his new job, his new relationship, more. It seems like every time we go to his chapter, he's summarizing all the important milestones. He seems to get over the fact that he's getting divorced really quickly. It makes sense that he starts dating, but emotionally, I think he should still be struggling with a lot of things, and he doesn't really appear to be. So by the time he starts freaking out about his relationship with Dany and making dumb choices about his ex, I really had a hard time believing it. Because we don't really see him having that struggle. He raves about his new life and complains endlessly about his ex, especially with how she's treating their son. Give us those moments where he doubts. Give us those quiet moments in between with Carissa where maybe he still wonders, what if? Or show him having more doubts in his relationship with Dany. As is, we don't really know he's feeling doubt until suddenly the issue is brought up (like when he tells her he doesn't want marriage, or when they have their fight). But in between, when things are good, there's really not enough hints that he's feeling this way at all. I think you need to help us along a little more.

I think Vinny is a bit TOO dense, in not realizing his feelings for Dany or Annie. He just seems to be so out of touch and seems to have no clue about anything, but I think he's a little smarter than that. Either that, or you as the author have to make it less obvious what's going on so that we believe that Vinny doesn't realize he has feelings for Dany or that he doesn't want to be with Annie.

Carissa feels like a fake character. She seems driven by what needs to happen by the plot and less like a woman who is making motivated choices. What does she want? In what ways has she been hurt by Vinny? I think having her be a little more complex will feel more honest and heartbreaking. She can still make bad decisions and she can still be a bit of an antagonist, just not so one-note in her viciousness/manipulation. That, and the Vinny stuff, were my two bigger character notes.

The side characters are all fun and complement the story well. Not much to say there.

Writing Style: 4/5

Overall I found your writing had a good flow and was easy to read. There was a nice amount of description, just right for a chick lit/new adult space I think. The dialogue was pretty strong and believable and the sentences of prose flowed pretty well. I especially enjoyed the way you described the drawings and the dancing. Very beautiful.

Just a couple of things to look out for going forward. Be careful of overt exposition in dialogue. Such as in ch. 2, Vinny's line: "so my sister is driving you bat-shit insane." Try to think if someone would actually say something like that out loud. Or maybe even try reading everything aloud yourself to see where it seems unnatural.

Some of the metaphors were nicely done, but some were are a little too didactic/obvious, particularly because they seem to be coming right from the mouths of the MCs. People don't really think or talk in beautiful/poetic metaphors, so think about that. You can get away with small things like that in first person, but anything too over the top will pull the reader out of the story because they'll think "the character would never say or think this way." Consider toning down or making them a little more subtle/nuanced.

Be careful of foreshadowing things a little too obviously. I'll talk about this a bit more in plot, but one smaller example is in ch. 7, the foreshadowing of the eating disorder is way too obvious. The trouble is riding the line between just telling the reader outright and dropping hints to build to something. Not everything needs to be hinted at and built to, so it's okay to sometimes just say the thing outright. But other times it's worth hinting at. If so, you want to drop the crumbs and let the reader slowly come to the conclusion, so just think about subtlety a little bit more sometimes in this way as well.

Last note, there are a lot of times where a character will think something and then say it directly after. If they're going to be voicing the opinion/thought out loud anyway, there's no point in having them think it first as it's redundant for the reader. I would cut out the thoughts and just have the person say it. It's pretty prevalent throughout the story, but one example for your reference is in chapter 30 when Vinny thinks about joining a baseball league and then says it out loud. Another example is in 53 when Daniela thinks about how she'll have to be carried out and then Mellie does it a minute later.

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

So I think overall you have a really solid structure. There isn't anything particularly new you're doing here, but I love the specific elements of dance and art mixed in. That gives it a fresh perspective and gives the story a flavor that will set it apart from other generic romances. The story unfolds in a nice way, and I think you hit all the major marks of a good structure with good climactic moments that are built up to nicely overall.

I think the plot makes sense, and as I said with the character arcs, I think you do a nice job of starting these two off in both opposite and similar places, and then having them sort of cross each other in their journeys and land sort of in the same place in the end. The slow burn of them being friends first was nice (although I'm sure some readers with "hate" it while secretly loving it, haha). The romance felt like it happened at the right time, and then the way the romance unfolded was well done. The breakup was motivated and warranted, though painful. And the get back together was also really great. I love the use of ballet and art (things you had used all book long) to come back in and bring them back together.

My big pitch - I think you need to lose Nate. I think he adds zero to the story. The ballet stuff is so much more interesting than he is. I just don't care about him at all. And that might be subjective, but I also think just objectively he's not helping your story along. I think he's actually distracting from the real story. Dany's fairy tale romance is not about Nate. It's about dance. Dance was her fairy tale. You even say several times she gave up relationships for dance. While she's reading all these love stories, she's experiencing them through the roles she plays. That was her fairy tale. When she loses it, her fairy tale is broken. Then she meets Vinny. And she starts to realize - here's the real deal. Love. Soul-deep love. Like the parts she played. She doesn't have to just pretend anymore. Now she finally feels like she can also dance again. Because she realizes the fairy tale isn't gone. But then of course - things crash and burn. Because that's the thing, love is a fairy tale, but it exists in the real world and the real world comes with real problems. Doesn't that sound like just super clear cut and lovely? I think so. And it's all there in your story. None of this is my creation. It's all you, the writer. I just pulled Nate out of it and it became much more clear. Nate muddles this storyline. And I will die on that hill, lol, but take it or leave it! In the end it's your story. 

With this change, I still think you can have her being timid at first with Vinny because she's cautious of anything that seems like a fairy tale after her ballet heartbreak. But I also think maybe she doesn't need to be timid? Maybe she latches on tight with both hands with no timidity, because all she sees is the fairy tale? That night when he kisses her, maybe she doesn't hesitate at all? Because she's the spontaneous, fairy-tale believing, all-in kind of person that Vinny isn't? But if you want to stick with timidity, then I think heartbreak over ballet or having never been in a serious relationship before could both motivate her to be a little hesitant.

Alright, now that I've gone on and on about that, let's move on! Let's talk about your beginning. So, I actually think that maybe your story should start later on than you have it, and the broken foot and broken marriage could be told to us through a character reminiscing in a flashback format. Because your story doesn't actually start until they meet each other, so getting to that moment sooner would be nice. Your inciting incident, so to speak, is them meeting, not Dany breaking her foot or Vinny losing his marriage. It's also hard because both of those things are such dramatic life changers, it's hard to sit with a character through that that we just met. It ends up feeling melodramatic because the reader doesn't know these characters yet. But if you give us time to see them in the aftermath, trying to get their lives back, and we get to know them, then you clue us in to what happened before, then we really get it and we engage with it more. That's just a soft pitch, I think the beginning is fine as is, I just think this would make it better.

I really enjoyed the ending, I think it was tonally perfect and called back to so many of the great moments in the book really well. But my one note is the ending feels a bit too drawn out to me. I think there are repetitive beats that you don't need. I think Vinny should be able to say exactly what he wants at the tattoo parlor. Dany might say no, but Vinny's already completed his arc. So him not saying all the words at the tattoo parlor that he wants to say feels like you're doing a disservice to the character arc you've built. That moment at the tattoo parlor, Vinny's arc is complete and he should be able to say all the words. Dany's arc is not yet complete, she hasn't quite gotten it yet, so it makes sense that she says no to him either way. Her arc is complete at the studio when she sees the painting (which I love). So that's just a thought! 

So my only other note here is that the story is very predictable. That sounds harsh but I really don't think it's that bad a thing, but I think you could adjust it and make it less so if you wanted. It's a bit like how I said you foreshadow things a bit too forcefully. In a similar way, some of the plot points we see coming like, a hundred miles away. For example, if you keep the opening as is, Vinny's marriage imploding. It's very clear that something is going on with Carissa. I would recommend the opposite technique here and show us how oblivious Vinny is. Don't have him think about how they've been fighting or how her manicure is strange, just have him go through the motions and then after the news hits, he can look back and see the signs.

The other big example is the stuff with the wedding. The second he gets that invitation and decides not to tell Dany about it, we know exactly what's going to happen. He's going to go anyway, she's going to find out, they're going to break up. Eventually they're going to get back together. Now, with most romantic stories, the reader knows that the couple will break up and then get back together. That's not a shocker. But HOW they do is the fun of the read. So here, you take away some of the fun by making it too obvious what's to come. Some fixes for this:

Part of the reason we see it coming so clearly is because the characters are thinking about their choices with way too much insight. Your characters are "in the know." They know what YOU know as the author, that this is going to lead to their breakup. You can see it in the way that Vinny talks about the wedding and the invitation. He's giving it away too much. You really need to put yourself in Vinny's shoes and think about what he would ACTUALLY be thinking and doing in the moment he gets that invite. In that moment he decides to lie. I'm not sure how much this will help, but maybe give it a try. Toning down some of his thoughts about how he knows it's a bad play but he's doing it anyway might help the reader along more. The other fix is to try and give us a twist with it. Like if he didn't go to the wedding at all but then does something else stupid (or worse). That would be surprising to the reader and could be cool. Anyway, this isn't something that needs to change your plot much, it's just about tweaking it around a bit to make it less predictable. 

Okay, sorry that was a lot! I want to reiterate here for a moment that the basic structure of the story, I think, still works. You've done most of the good work with this story, these are just things to help push it to the next level.

Regi is the new love of my life.

Some page notes/thoughts I had as I read:

Ch. 2 - I realize there's mention of Vinny's sister but then she never comes up again, right? Do we need this character reference?

Ch. 3 - Could be a little clearer on why things fell apart after she lost her virginity to him. Could be a good character moment for her. Was it her issue? Does she have trouble with commitment? Or was he a jerk about it and so she feels wary/distrusting of men? You don't have to state exactly what she feels about it now and make it too obvious, but diving in a little more would be good!

Reconsider your starting place. (I didn't get the sense she was particularly head over heels for Nate so her heartbreak (though justified) seems a little extreme.)

Ch. 6 - It's very odd that the wife thinks that the husband has a secret bank account or something. I would suggest just having her own up to the fact that she spent the money and perhaps asking for money from their retirement or asking if he has a job yet, still trying to assume that he's going to provide for her somehow.

Ch. 8 - Be careful of falling out of the character's voice. Vinny doesn't strike me as the kind that would know about the instagram hashtag #followme. 

I don't think Vinny having a desire to move on or find a girl to rebound with is too soon or anything, but I would like to be in his thoughts and point of view even more. Here's a guy who probably has barely touched a girl other than his wife for how many years? How does it feel to dance with Dany? He's drunk so a lot of it is probably lost on him, but if anything maybe getting drunk would make him think even more of his ex. Does the thought of being with another woman freak him out? Excite him? Scare him? Is he worried he's "out of practice?" Same when he goes on his tinder date and sleeps with that girl, is that the first time he's been with someone other than his wife? That must be wild! What are his thoughts there?

I just don't really care about the relationship with Nate. He doesn't seem like anything special and it was only six months and they were never really official. It just feels sort of like, why is she so smitten with this particular guy? Has she had previous relationships before? Was this the most serious one?

Is Dany using the breakup with Nate to be upset over because she doesn't want to be upset about losing dance? It seems like she should be significantly more upset about losing dance and significantly less upset (maybe a tad peeved and heartbroken, but not so fixated) about Nate.

Ch. 10 - Be careful of overly cliched dialogue. Like Vinny saying "We had a good run." It's a bit too at peace.

Show us why she wants to be with Nate because we're not getting the memo.

Ch. 18 - I think you did a really good job of portraying a realistic drunk Dany, haha! Also loved the juxtaposition of Vinny with the cat versus Nate.

Ch. 20 - Annie accuses Vinny of spending a lot of time with Dany. But I didn't really get that sense. It seems more like every few weeks they bump into each other, but nothing like they're hanging out all the time. She could just be projecting, but it was unclear to me.

Dany feels wounded by Annie's words, but I don't know that she would be. I feel like she would just laugh it off since Annie is kind of dumb and not really anyone Dany cares about.

Ch. 22 - I think you're missing an opportunity when you don't describe the karaoke. What does Vinny feel singing with Dany? Are his eyes on her the whole time? Is he super nervous and his voice cracks and Dany laughs? Is she a good singer or a bad singer? Do they sound good together?

Ch. 35 - Too coincidental that she's thinking about James and then he shows up. She should think about him after.

Ch. 45 - I believe that Vinny would say something as cruel as what he said about Dany having to give up ballet, but I don't believe it's fully earned in this fight yet. I imagine he'd still be in justification or denial or let's make this right mode, not let me be a cruel asshole mode.

Ch. 48 - I don't really believe that Carissa invited Vinny to the wedding as manipulation in the sense of wanting to get back with him. It was her wedding where she was marrying another man, so that'd be a super odd play. Inviting him over for dinner while her husband isn't home, that makes sense. I don't think it's that unusual for ex-couples who share a child to be invited to each other's weddings. And he could have not gone if he didn't want to, so I don't really see it as her being manipulative. If she had called and begged him to go, maybe? Or maybe tried to make him feel guilty if he decided not to go? That would be a power play. But as is, I don't buy that anyone is blaming her for any of this at this point. That's all on Vinny and it makes me respect him less that he and Karl and anyone else think any part of it is Carissa's fault. Vinny makes his own choices.

Ch. 49 - Greece comes too much out of nowhere. I would recommend trying to at least hint at the possibility of it earlier. Maybe they suggest taking a trip when Tricia has the break up? But decide against it? And so then when Dany has the break up they come to take her to Greece? Although I do think overall you should try and think of something here that's more motivated by what you've already built up in the story. Greece or traveling or anything doesn't really have anything to do with your story. Look back at what you already have built into the story, and pull from that to find something here to get Dany outside of herself.

I get what you're doing thematically with the security line but in this day and age if you set it off, they pull you aside and do a full check and if you're still setting stuff off they definitely bring you in. But in the time it would take them to pull her aside to do the body check, she could have explained to them. I feel like it would be even more powerful if just the act of having to give them the card and realizing that something as simple as airport security was now even more complicated for her because of her injury would be enough to set her off. Anyone would be upset about being pulled out of the line and patted down. That's frustrating and upsetting. But if something simple (like the fact she even has to carry around that stupid card) sets her off, that's much more powerful and subtle.

Ch. 54

Vinny is pretty clueless when he says "have I ever lied to you?" considering he did lie to her about the wedding? Perhaps he would try a different line here since this is supposed to be his big gesture so I think he would at least not call attention to the fact that he did in fact lie.

Ch. 55

I might have missed something but if she teaches once a week, how did she not see the painting if it's already well past Labor Day and he hung it in August?

I do like that it's his art that finally gets through to her! Especially since it has to do with both their passions. And since it has to do with ballet, which was her original fairy tale (which goes into my larger note about this being about her having lost her ballet fairy tale, not Nate). 

OVERALL SCORE: 20.5/25

This is a super cute story and I think any fans of romance and chick lit will really enjoy it. I like the grounded aspect of the romance while not losing that once-in-a-lifetime soul-deep love feeling. The characters are fun and relatable, with real world problems. I think you have a revision to do that will push it to the next level, but overall a good foundation. And I think readers will devour it!

Additional thoughts about the cover and title:

I think the new cover is more aesthetically pleasing than the first, but it's a cover for a story that is all Dany's perspective. The male POV is lost in this cover. Something to consider! I like the title and think it's perfectly acceptable and has the pro of being something that will probably never get copied. But I think if you wanted to go a little more generic and make it a title that will more clearly explain what the story is, you could do that. You have a lot of great lines in the story about things like "soul-deep love." I think you could find a good title in there too.

Okay that's all!