Title: Life Meter

Author: likelilaclies

Reviewer: linalagosya

Summary: 4/5

I think overall the blurb is nicely written, the conflict is clear, and some of what might be potential conflict between characters is hinted at. I think that you could describe the characters a bit further and give a little bit more of the flavor of what you're writing. So much of the fun is in Oliver's character and how he operates, so feel free to hint to that and maybe even use some of that language in your blurb! And granted, I've only read the first eight chapters, but so much of the story seems to be about Oliver and the way that he's affected by his trauma and the way he interacts with the world around him. That more than the stuff with rage and wanting to take down crime is more prevalent in the earlier chapters. So I'd say devote some more time in your blurb to talking more about Oliver. Just a suggestion!

Grammar: 4/5

Overall really good! I think there are some choices you make about how you format things that could be a bit clearer, but that's more a writing style note so I'll address that there. There were a few typos and I think some dialogue formatting issues, but overall really clean and easy to read. Relatively free of errors.

There were some repeated punctuation issues, particularly in dialogue. If the tag is describing how the dialogue was spoken, you use a comma. So, for example, in chapter one:

"It's fine." I murmured.

"Good." Knowles 'assured', "Skip over any question...."

is incorrect. The proper punctuation and capitlization should be:

"It's fine," I murmured.

"Good," Knowles 'assured,' "skip over any question...."

Later on, the opposite happens:

"I'm assuming Mrs Cheshire put up a fight," Knowles gave me an empathetic look....

Should be:

"I'm assuming Mrs Cheshire put up a fight." Knowles gave me an empathetic look....

In this case, the action that is tagged to the dialogue is not describing her way of speech, but a separate action. In that case, you use a period. This was a consistant issue throughout the chapter so could be something to brush up on or have an editor/proofreader look at once you are in your final revision of the story.

Character Building: 5/5

Oliver is such a unique character and I think you handled showing his trauma and how he views the world like a computer really well. I love how calculated all of Oliver's actions are. That scene in chapter 2 with his mom in the cafeteria was chilling. The ways he views his classmates, this therapy, the world. It's like this coping mechanism he uses to put a certain spin on everything. A spin that he can manage, he can handle, he can control. I'm not sure yet what exactly happened to him, but you've done a good job showing some of the pain and suffering he endured, and the ultimate effects it's having on him. It really makes you feel for Oliver.

The side characters seen through Oliver's point of view are also striking. His harried and worn mother and the oddly honest yet tricky Jericho are both really fun characters. I found myself worried about the mother as well and excited to learn more about Jericho as he and Oliver continue running into each other and hopefully form a friendship. I assume so from the blurb! Oliver doesn't have much in the way of relationships, so focusing on these two side characters as the people he most notices works really well.

I think you do a good job of slowly building up the tension and the question of "what exactly happened to Oliver and why?" It's hard to say after only reading eight chapters and not knowing quite how long the book is going to be by the end, but I felt when I was reading that I could have done with being a little more clued in to some of the details. The nightmare does a good job to give us a sense of "what" but the "why" and "how" are still very unknown. The fact that his old friends might have been involved also shed some light. I don't think you should give it all away by any means, but I think sprinkle in an extra hint or reveal or two throughout these chapters and I think the reader will be a little more invested and satisfied. It will help them get a better sense of Oliver and the journey he is about to embark on, and why.

Writing Style: 4/5

I liked the simplistic style of the writing. It really felt like I was in Oliver's head. And it was unique, the way you did it. I love how you consistently show Oliver's internal thoughts working like a computer. It's not overdone, it's just the right amount to show us how he functions without overwhelming the reader or confusing them. The way you describe things, like with the detective or with the kids in school, is really dynamic. It matches the suspicious and sort of slightly creepy/disturbing tone of the story. There isn't too much description, which fits the story nicely.

In Chapter Three I got a bit confused because of the writing style. There was more language in that chapter that I didn't know, and it felt a little heavier. That was also when I started to get confused about who "you" was supposed to be. Until the end of Chapter Three it had seemed to be Oliver's mother, but then it seemed to mean someone else, and that was a bit confusing. He talks to the mysterious "you" again towards the end of Chapter Five. Which I like as a concept, speaking to this "you" (the third Cheshire, perhaps?), but the confusion comes from the fact that Oliver often refers to other people as "you." His mother, Jericho, his former friends. I think there has to be some way to format things differently so that we, the readers, can understand when he's talking to the mysterious "you" and when he's referencing someone directly in front of him. As is, it's too confusing to fully engage with. Not the fun kind of confusing, haha!

The moments where something cuts off Oliver's thoughts or he cuts off his own thoughts - I like it stylistically but I think it often causes a bit of confusion/uncertainty. I get a little lost around some of those moments, unsure of what it is exactly that's cutting him off. Is he doing it or is it something around him that's causing him to stop in his mental tracks, so to speak?

I would suggest somehow formatting the times where he's mocking what other people are thinking/saying in a different way than just the rest of the prose. I think that will make it easier to track. It happens in chapter three when he's recapping his experience at the hospital, it happens with the reporters, and then it happens after he says his name in the classroom in chapter four as well. Consider using brackets or only using italics for this particular vernacular.

Anywho, that was a lot of nitpicking but overall the writing style really flowed and worked great, I think. These were just a few suggestions to improve that flow a tad!

I have one last thing to pitch, and that's that this story be first person present. As is, the most awkwardly worded moments in the chapters are when Oliver is doing direct internal speech but you still have it in past tense. For example, in Chapter One after the detective asks about the third Cheshire. Oliver is doing the direct address in his head (How sick were you? What was wrong with you?). This is just one example of several where the past tense feels really off, even though it's grammatically correct. I think first person present would add another layer of greatness to this story, but I also want to respect your wishes as a writer. So alternatively, if you want to stick to past, consider turning Oliver's thoughts to some kind of internal dialogue in present tense and format it differently from the rest of the narrative. Like how in third person a writer might italicize so that the MC can narrate something in first person. So in the example I used could be like: How sick are you, Detective? What's wrong with you?)

Anyway, that's all!

Plot + Originality: 5/5

This is such a unique story! (I've already used 'unique' multiple times in this review... I'm a writer but apparently I don't have a very wide vocabulary!) I haven't really read anything else like it on Wattpad. At its base it seems to just be about a kid who has gone through something so traumatic it's almost beyond our comprehension (for most of us readers, anyway). But there's all these added layers of pop and specific style that really bring the story to life in a wonderfully original way.

I think the plot unfurls naturally. The starting point feels right. I love the dynamic start of the detective asking her questions. It really draws the reader in, asking "what on earth happened and what did this kid do?" The run-ins with Jericho (formerly known as Junkie) are coincidental in a way that feels like destiny, so as a reader I bought into it. I think you do a good job of dropping little hints as to what different kinds of threads we're going to follow in the story - the detective will come back, I presume; the storyline with the family Oliver's mother is checking out; Jericho and his blackmailer; and Oliver's own trauma and what happened there. It definitely makes me want to read on to find out how this will all come together and what it will mean for our characters.

Some smaller notes/thoughts:

Chapter one: 

Nice, dynamic start. Adds tension, conflict, and drama right off the bat.

How can they already have a verdict if it's only been two weeks?

Great cliffhanger ending.

Chapter two: 

Nice, powerful end to this chapter as well.

Chapter four: 

Even though his mother did ask if he wanted to switch schools and if he was ready, it felt a little odd that they were sending him back the day after he was discharged. I would expect both his mother and whatever therapist he has would want him to settle back into his home first?

His unease at going back to school was really nicely portrayed. You clearly showed the moments where he was getting worked up, and moments where he felt embarrassed about the condition he was in, wanting to hide it away.

The teacher questioning him about the quiz seemed odd. Of course she would know that he wasn't in her class. Even a crappy teacher can recognize a face or not. Not to mention that I'm sure the entire school administration, including all of Oliver's teachers, was told of him coming back and how best to handle it. At least, that's what they would do at schools where I'm at! Hold a meeting to discuss it or send out an email alerting the teachers to what's happening.

Nice return of the junkie!

Chapter five: 

It might be nice to show HOW the Junkie is able to fool Oliver. What about him made him good at lying? Was it his even tone? The look in his eye?

I would like to know more about how Oliver reaches his conclusion that Willburn is virus-free. What in his analysis gives him that impression? I would have thought pain and trauma would not make someone virus-free. I think you can walk us through him reaching that conclusion and why a little more clearly.

Chapter six: 

Is the mysterious "you" also being referred to as "he" when Oliver is talking about the pills? If so, that makes it doubly confusing and hard to follow.

Chapter seven: 

Great depiction of his flashbacks/nightmare. Super horrifying. Really gets us into his head.

Chapter eight: 

For the most part I liked the coincidental nature of Oliver and Jericho's relationship. The only time I bumped on it being TOO coincidental is here when the coach tells Jericho to take Oliver to the nurse. That seemed a bit too convenient. I would suggest having Jericho volunteer to take him to make it more intentional.

OVERALL SCORE: 22/25

Overall this is a really original story with a wonderful voice and point of view, and a dynamic character who isn't like everyone else, but who we can really feel sympathy for and root for. I'm intrigued by the happenings in the story so far and am hooked to read on to find out what happens in the rest of the story, and also what happened in Oliver's past. From the chapters I've read it seems like an offbeat coming of age, with maybe a bit of mystery/crime thrown in. I'll definitely keep this one in my reading list to continue!