Title: June's Blues

Author: its_a_brooke

Reviewer: linalagosya

Summary: 4/5

I think the summary works well. It defines our main character while hinting at the potential conflicts she's going to face in the story. The last line was a tad confusing. "The one where it didn't involve her almost dying because of him." Does "the one" refer to her past or her life? She did almost die because of him, so why does it say "didn't"? I think that could be clarified and you can end on a stronger punch there.

Grammar: 3/5

Overall the grammar didn't pose too much of an issue when reading. However, there were some consistent errors that kept cropping up.

Tense changes: be careful whenever the narrator speaks more directly to the reader, you tend to slip into present tense, but only some of the time. I think it's easiest and most grammatically correct to just keep it in past tense all the time, if the rest of the story is in past tense, as it is hard to delineate when the narrator is narrating the plot of the scene versus providing commentary. 

Example from chapter one:

As written: Yes, my mother is lucky to be that way.

Correct past tense: Yes, my mother was lucky to be that way.

There are many misuses of prepositions, almost every other paragraph or so, so you may want to review those as well.

Some examples from Chapter Three (I just picked a random chapter to show this):

As written: My eyes were practically burning holes on his skull.

Correct proposition: My eyes were practically burning holes into his skull.

As written: It was a fact that no girl ever wanted to step foot on these stalls

Correct proposition: It was a fact that no girl ever wanted to step foot in (or inside) these stalls

As written: his shadow pocketed his hands on his pants

Correct proposition: his shadow pocketed his hands in his pants

There are several idioms and phrases that are a bit off every chapter. As well as some double negatives. I would recommend something like Grammarly to check over your writing, or having an editor look at it once you've got your final draft ready, as it can be a bit distracting to read.

Character Building: 3/5

Isabel is a really dynamic character. Her voice cuts through the narrative so clearly. She's sarcastic and judgmental and very rough around the edges. But she's also insecure and beaten down inside. You do a good job of showing all of these different sides of her from the start. Her sarcasm knows no bounds and it's often used to really humorous effect, which is great.

Although Isabel can't speak, that doesn't stop her voice from shining through the narrative. The ways she uses to communicate, be it her phone or ASL or a look or just her thoughts, are really effective. Although she's been silenced, you do a good job of showing how she still has a voice. It's challenging going into writing a story where you know your protagonist can't speak. Kudos to you for taking on the challenge and actually making it work really well. It's one of my favorite parts of the book. And I love that we're exploring a different kind of character from the norm here.

Isabel has a struggle that we can sympathize with even if we haven't struggled with it ourselves, and her love of music makes her really likeable. She's very bitter and down on everything around her, very judgmental, but the reader can understand why and it makes us hope that she'll learn how to connect with people in a different way. The moment in ch. 4 where she talks about knowing all the lyrics to songs but not being able to sing them was absolutely heartbreaking. It definitely endeared her to me.

Even though Isabel is such a strong character, the score was lower for this section because a lot of the character motivations in this are really unclear, both from Isabel and from the other characters. You make out Isabel to be so hateful toward everyone around her, so the moments where she agrees to spend time with both William and Ian feel completely unearned. I've given some notes in the plot section of this review to that effect. Her relationship with Ian in particular is really hard to track. Sometimes he upsets her, sometimes she ignores him, but then she goes to the game to watch him even though they don't interact. Then she gets really upset about running into him at the electronics store even though nothing happened. It's all really unclear. What's his motivation? Even if you want it to be a mystery, it's hard for a reader to keep buying into this premise without even a hint as to the reasons why. William's a little easier to understand, but he's fairly one-note. The only thing he seems to care about is being friends with Isabel, which is hard to believe. He's a teenage boy, he must have other interests and things on his mind. Maybe you could sprinkle some of that in to make him seem like more of a real character.

I would love to have seen more about the band mates. Do they ever practice? It seems like they should. Especially if they play multiple genres, that's really hard to do. I'd think they'd have to practice together. I'd love to know how Isabel even met them. She considers Alexa her best friend but they never seem to text or hang out outside of Thursday night. I want to know so much more about their friendship and see them have scenes together just the two of them (apart from the cafe). Other than Alexa and Caiden, the other band members tend to blend together and it's hard to tell them apart. Try to be really specific about the kinds of characters they are so that the reader will not mix them up. 

Writing Style: 2.5/5

The writing was okay to read. It did flow for the most part and there were lots of attempts to expand the vocabulary and use fun similes and metaphors. However, overall the writing seemed to be trying way too hard. Simple sentences that could have been succinct and effective are drawn out and made more complicated by the use of confusing words to describe simple things. It made reading kind of a chore as opposed to an effortless endeavor. Although it's great to set your writing apart by adding in some different phrases, unique words, more vocab, etc., doing it too much just slows the read down. You don't want your readers to have to work hard to understand what's being said. Sometimes simple and direct is the most effective way, particularly in a teen fiction novel.

You would often refer to people by their identity rather than their name, and it got a bit confusing. When you used "the teenager" or "the German" or what-have-you, there were many times where I didn't know who you were talking about for too long. It's fine every now and then to sprinkle in some other ways to refer to people, but overall just sticking to their name is fine. It's clear and effective, instead of confusing and awkward. It's how the MC would mostly be thinking of them anyway - by their name. And it avoids any confusion. I would recommend just referring to everyone by their name almost always. One of the more confusing examples of this is in Chapter 13, where Ian grabs her headphones but it's not stated that it's him until four or five paragraphs later. I thought it probably was him, but I wasn't entirely sure. You don't want to make more work for your readers, having to guess who is doing what or what's going on. The clearer, the better.

When you describe physical contact and action, you tend to use passive sentences and neglect to say who is actually performing the action, which can cause a lot of confusion and unnecessary muddling of the scene. It's okay to add a flair here and there, but being direct is way more effective. 

Some examples: 

Ch. 11 - Heavy footfalls reigned over the sound of my chair scraping and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to maintain my composure. A hand took me in a firm grip, breathing coming down in puffs above my hair. Right above.

Whose footfalls? Whose hand? I assume William's, but it's all really unclear. Versus if you were more direct it could be something like:

Heavy footfalls echoed in the library as William came after me. I had to bite the inside of my cheek to maintain my composure. He gripped my shoulder, his breath coming down in puffs above my hair. Right above.

In this version there is no confusion about who is doing the action but it's still just as dynamic.

Ch. 13 - My attention was beginning to direct itself to the military green bag sitting in the middle of my thighs. Skin barely grazed the inside of it when I felt a hand being placed on top of my shoulder. Green eyes viewed me with a pointed look. "You look like you're about to pull out a bomb and destroy the entire field."

There are a lot of extra words and passive sentences here. A clearer version:

I directed my attention to my military-green bag sitting between my thighs. I had barely reached inside when I felt William's hand on my shoulder. He gave me a pointed look. "You look like you're about to pull out a bomb and destroy the entire field."

You use colors as nouns quite a lot but it's almost always unclear whether it's referring to skin tone, clothes, hair, etc. Like "raven-black jock." From basic sentence structure I would think she's referring to skin tone, but that seems like an odd way to describe someone's skin color. It's much clearer to say "raven-haired jock."

My suggestion would be to read teen fiction books that you've already read before (maybe multiple times even, and not ones on Wattpad, published ones). Read them with an eye to how the writing style is. Look at how the sentences are written. They'll all be different but they all should be clear and effective.

Plot + Originality: 4/5

Overall I think the plot flows really nicely. There are some plot points that I found a bit confusing (Isabel agreeing to go to the football game, for one), and some things that felt a bit unearned (Isabel agreeing to be tutored by William). But overall I thought the mystery unfolded at a nice pace. Although it was a bit clunky getting Isabel and William to a place of actually speaking and being somewhat friendly, from that moment on their relationship started to develop in a really natural and nice way, with her slowly opening up to him as he continues to pursue a friendship with her.

As for uniqueness, although having a girl be wooed by the guy she hates isn't super unique, adding the element of her losing her voice and him being at fault really brought an extra flair to this story that I think worked really well. It's more original with these elements added in, and I found the story really unique because of that.

The one thing I will say is that I think, in terms of the mystery of what happened to her, I think you could move that reveal much sooner. I think right now it happens in chapter 25 or 26 when she has the dream. That's the first time we understand exactly what happened. I think this could be moved up somewhere in the first ten chapters. Because the mystery of what exactly happened (did William push her? Did someone else? Was it an accident? Why doesn't William seem to remember?) is super interesting. That's more interesting than wondering if it was just a car accident or what. Because then we, as readers, can be suspicious of William and what he knows too. As opposed to just being confused about what happened.

I take notes per chapter when I'm reading something to help me remember details and gather my thoughts. I normally summarize them, but in this case I think it would be more useful to include the original notes here. So sorry because it's going to make this super long! But I hope you find them helpful!

Chapter 1:

Interesting opening, talking directly to the reader about her voice (or lack thereof). Her passion for music clearly shows. And she has some wit and cleverness about her, which makes her engaging.

I think it would be good to hear a little bit about why the keychain means something to her. Even if it's a mystery you don't want to quite give away, it's good to give a little more of a clue. Maybe the girl's name, or an emotional tie to it without explicit details.

You do a good job of showing how morose she is. She just seems down about everything, from school to her family. It makes me wonder why she's so pessimistic. I'm curious to know more about her.

Chapter 2: 

It seemed a bridge too far to suggest that this high schooler had slept with a substitute teacher and/or possibly drugged and raped her. It felt not as grounded as the rest of the story. It turned into something like Riverdale for a moment, whereas the tone of the rest of the story so far was more realistic. Might be something to rethink.

That part about Ian's manhood, though, was funny!

Chapter 3: 

At first it seems like the typical introduction of the new hot guy in school. But then you add the twist that these two have a past, and that made it interesting. It's a good building up of the mystery and suspense. Readers will want to know: what happened between these two? How did it result in whatever made her mute? That will keep them reading.

Chapter 4:

I do find it hard to believe that if they were as close as she said they were that they wouldn't have recognized each other. Why not have them recognize each other right off the bat? If they weren't very close and only acquaintances, then I would understand it more.

Because she seems so antisocial at school, it seems strange that she's in a band. Does she have friends in the band? How did she join the band? It might be good to give a little bit of backstory here.

Chapter 5: 

I'd love to hear a bit more about her best friend when she's first mentioned. Maybe even give her a name. Of course, we'll wait to get the full picture when we actually meet her, but it's nice to give us little bread crumbs.

Small note, if she's American (I'm assuming because of Austin) she'd use feet instead of meters to describe distance.

I'm confused if the friends don't go to the same school, how do they know about the blond French guy? I'm also confused about how long they've known each other. She says "remember my accident" like she knew them even then. Is that the case? I would like a little more backstory on their friendship.

Chapter 9: 

William is really unlikeable, I'm starting to feel. He's always putting his hands on her when she's made it very clear that she does not want or appreciate that and she doesn't like him or want to be around him.

It's a little odd that she takes both Spanish and French. Most American schools it's just one language.

It was a nice moment seeing the French teacher call her out on her behavior. She doesn't care and she looks down on everyone and she doesn't try. She seems to have given up on her life, aside from her band.

You've made Isabel out to hate William so much, that it's hard to believe the decision she makes at the end of this chapter. She blames this guy for almost killing her, for taking away her voice. There are other tutors she can get, I'm sure. So I think you either need to tone down how much she hates him or you need to make this a mandatory thing. Like she's assigned him as a tutor and doesn't realize it until she shows up for her session. She tries to get another tutor, but he's the only French tutor and the teacher says it's either get tutored by William or fail. Leaving her with no other option will also keep the conflicts going and the tension high.

Chapter 10: 

Here too I'm not tracking the MC feeling bad about potentially hurting William's feelings. Her regret seems to come out of nowhere. It would be nice to see something spurring her along to feel this. Maybe William does something really nice for her, aside from just agreeing to tutor her in French. 

Chapter 11: 

So am I to understand that William even lived with Isabel and her family for a while? If that's the case then I definitely don't buy that she didn't recognize him right away. People change as they age, but they usually don't become unrecognizable, even if it takes a second or two to place them.

Chapter 12: 

I liked getting to see the member of her favorite band and it was a nice surprise that he knew ASL. I think it would work even better if you set it up earlier in the story that this is her favorite local band and she idolizes this guy. That way when she meets him in this chapter there's more of a buildup.

Chapter 13: 

In this chapter too I had a bit of trouble buying that Isabel would agree to go to the game with Ian. Even if she thinks there's a small chance it might stop the harassment at school. There are other things she might be able to do to get the harassment to stop, like talk to a teacher. Even though that doesn't sound like something Isabel would do, I think she'd rather do that than go anywhere with Ian. Similarly, at the end of the chapter, I'm not sure why Isabel cares about the technicalities of the deal with William. She got what she needed, why isn't she happy to just kick William to the curb? If it's because she's starting to like him and maybe doesn't even realize it yet, you could still give the reader more clues to how she's feeling. Right now, I would say she doesn't care at all about staying friends with William, even subconsciously.

Chapter 14: 

I'm very confused as to what kind of game this is and why they're playing in an abandoned field? This is a high school in Austin so I'm sure the school has a football field, no? Is this a school-sponsored game or something the students are just doing for fun? What is Ian going to practice for? Isn't the football season over?

I was also confused about the prank. She says she doesn't want to elaborate but it's confusing why a teacher would be punished for doing nothing? And why is she surprised that Sean is there? There isn't enough context for what's happening in this chapter to help the reader along. 

Chapter 15: 

I'm a bit confused here as Ian asked her to go to the game with him but then he was just playing the whole time? I thought he meant that he wanted her to go with him, like they would hang out or something. Could clarify that he just wants her to come watch the game, which is a little different of a connotation. I can totally see Isabel agreeing to that to get him off her back when all she has to do is watch the game and not spend any actual time with Ian.

The stuff with the family was very emotional - but do we ever get a reason for why she would put that letter inside a box of Isabel's old mementos and photos of William?

Chapter 16: 

I would have liked to have seen more of Isabel's friendship with Alexa come through in previous chapters. They don't seem to talk outside of the music nights, but then Isabel says Alexa is close with her family. How did they meet? Do they hang out outside of Thursday nights?

Here I believe that Isabel is starting to warm up to William. It feels more earned here. It just needs to be smoothed out earlier I think. I like how upset she is about her headphones. It feels really important to her and you've done a good job of showing that and showing why.

Chapter 17: 

I like the moment where she regrets what she typed to William in this chapter. It shows that even though she's mute, she can still respond rashly to things and regret saying certain things, just like any other person.

It felt really satisfying at the end when she told William he was the problem. It was a nice build-up to that moment, and it made me want to keep reading.

Chapter 18:

That moment where she cries was so emotional and heartbreaking. You've done a good job of showing us hints that what she really feels is insecurity and self-loathing, and it paid off here when she realized that she actually hates herself.

I like her laughter at the end too, it felt like such a release.

Chapter 20: 

I'm a bit confused as to why they're going back to the cafe? Didn't he just take her home for the night?

Nice cliffhanger!

Chapter 21: 

Oh, I see why they're back at the cafe. It's a bit confusing then why did William take her to her house after ice cream?

I like the moment where Isabel realized that she doesn't think of William as the villain anymore. I would have liked her to be a bit more surprised, but it made sense how she suddenly made the connection, and it was probably happening slowly as they were getting to know each other. She still seemed to think of him as the villain when they were outside though, so maybe that could be toned down. I like how mad Alexa is and it shows that she's a good friend, but I wish I had been able to see more of their friendship. It's hard for me to understand why they're so close, they seem to never talk.

Chapter 22: 

This was probably my favorite chapter. The scene between the brother and sister was emotional. And I like how it made Isabel think and reflect on herself and her own behavior, from ignoring the problems of others, to avoiding the truth that some part of her loved (and maybe still loves) William.

Chapter 24: 

I was a bit confused for this chapter because I don't really know why Isabel was so shaken by her encounter with Ian. Nothing really happened. They barely spoke. And he wasn't even harassing her like normal, really. To be so shaken up as to not be excited about her headphones and to drive like that when we know she's afraid of it, seems very unmotivated. I think more needs to happen in that scene between Ian and Isabel to warrant this kind of behavior from her, as it goes against everything you've set her up to be like.

I was surprised that Sam had driven at 11 years old. Texas is the state more likely to have young drivers driving illegally, but I would think less so in a liberal/art city like Austin? It just read really strange to me. But I didn't grow up in Texas, I just have family there and I've been to a few cities, so I might not have all the knowledge.

Why wouldn't the mom just tell them who was coming over? It seems odd that she didn't prepare for this beforehand. And she was noted to be a super clean person so why is the house in such shambles? (Aside from the bedrooms).

I don't really believe that she had forgotten what happened between her and William at the cafe. I think when she sees his face at her front door, the supposed crush and how she defended him to Alexa is the first thing she's going to think about. 

OVERALL SCORE: 16.5/25

Before I give my overall comments I wanted to address one of your specific questions here, about the length of the chapters. I think they are a bit long (especially for Wattpad standards but even a lot of published teen fiction novels tend to stay short). But I think if you tighten up the writing style a bit, that will help shorten them.

Overall, this story has a really dynamic protagonist and you do a good job of setting her up for the emotional journey she's going to take. The plot flows well and I think you're hitting the right benchmarks as the story continues, with the exception of the reveal of what happened on the highway, I think that should come sooner. There's a lot of potential for some of these other characters to shine, but they're not quite there yet. I think you should really consider simplifying your writing style. Some of the character motivations are a bit weak, and there are some logic issues, but overall I think this story, with some revisions, could be really strong. I hope this was helpful and wish you all the luck going forward!