Title: A Gamble of Paintings and Poison

Author: RappyTheDinosaur

Reviewer: linalagosya

Summary: 3/5

What I like about the summary is that you do a good job nailing the tone down. It's funny, quirky, elements of fantasy. You also introduce the three main characters clearly, which is great. But overall, it's still a little hard to get a sense of exactly what this book is in terms of the world and the plot. I think you can keep what you have, but maybe expound upon that a little further in a longer synopsis paragraph following the cute one-liners about the characters.

Grammar: 4.5/5

Be careful of slipping into present tense when using "that's" or "it's." For example, in chapter four: "That's not cryptic at all" should be "That was not cryptic at all."

Other than that, your grammar was excellent. You clearly have a good handle on the English language. The only reason you didn't get a 5 was because there are several typos per chapter. Once you proofread it whenever you do the final revision, you'll be golden. 

Character Building: 4/5

Wow. I just have to say, these characters POP off the page. I love how dynamic they are and how different each protagonist is from the other. Super well-thought out and well-rounded characters with real flaws, real issues, and real relationships. And yet each one has his/her own brand of humor that really brings a lightness to the read that was wonderful.

One of the great things about this is how I really enjoy being in any of the three POVs. I'm excited every time I see the chapter heading, regardless of who it is, because all of the characters are engaging as are their storylines. There's never a moment of boredom or wanting to get on to the next chapter or POV.

I wanted to say that first because the following review on the characters is going to seem like A LOT. But it's honestly not - it's just because the characters are so well-written, it makes what's lacking in the narrative with them really clear. Which is actually a good thing! So, my thoughts:

MAGGIE: 

I love that right off the bat you show how she's funny and playful and has a passion - art. I love a character who actually has something they want to do. It makes them really relatable and easy to root for. Her passion for art persisted throughout the whole story, even to the climax, which I appreciated. It wasn't just forgotten about in the midst of all the plot. It really showed how important it was to her.

I think you do a good job establishing her relationship with Elle right in the first chapter. It's clear they mean a lot to each other. I think you could even explore that even further and really drive home what they mean to each other more in that first chapter. Overall, even though they weren't together for most of the story, how much they cared for each other was clear. Their relationship clearly means the world to both of them, which helped make the stakes of getting back to each other feel very real and important.

I think to really be all invested in Maggie's arc, I have to know a little more about what she was when she started this journey. You hint to a lot of things in the narrative later on, but we don't get to see much of it actually at play. I would love to see her have an interaction with her parents, show us what that's really like for her. You mention in Ch. 34 that she compares herself to Elle and her sister, but that wasn't something that came through super clearly before this point. A little bit with the sister, but not really with Elle. If she feels envious of who they are and how tough they are, I think that could be fleshed out more. The fact that she feels like the reject of her family should be established really quickly and fleshed out a bit more throughout as well. You don't have to reveal that she was unwanted, that twist was perfect in the Carlisle memory scene. But, if you hint to it sooner and show how she feels without explaining why, I think that'd be good. That way, when she's accepted kind of like family into the Order, we see why that's so important to her. Additionally, how does she feel about upsetting the balance of a family during the ball? And what is the end of her arc (at least for this first book of the series)? She goes from feeling unwanted (except for Elle) and feeling less than to what? Really hammering that home in the second half of the novel, how she changes and grows, what she learns about herself, will help to make that arc feel really satisfying and complete. The hints of everything are there, I just don't know that you've seen it through necessarily. What's her flaw and how does she change throughout the plot? I'm not clear on that.

Maybe investigate some of Maggie's frustrations more throughout. She's being used as a pawn by both sides and told basically nothing. That has to be the most frustrating situation a human can be in. Maybe let some of that come through a bit more.

My biggest issue with the whole novel was that it's hard to relate to Maggie's willingness to kill someone else for the chance to go home. Like, if it was to save her own life or the lives of people she loved, it'd be more understandable. As is, it's hard to root for her and I lost respect for her in that regard. She also doesn't think twice about toying with Cas's heart. She thinks very little about what she's actually doing and how it's affecting people, and she doesn't ask any questions, just goes along blindly with the plan. It's all a bit hard to relate to. Especially because she doesn't actually make any attempts to see if she can maybe find her own way home. She just decides she can't get home herself and then lets everyone use her as a pawn. This level of inaction is just really hard to get on board with, particularly with a protagonist, especially coupled with the sheer lack of morality shown. She has a repeated statement where she questions whether she should go for her morals or her way home. But that's not a good enough scale, I think. Because clearly you should not kill someone just so you can get what you want. Especially when there might be a million other ways to get what you want and you have tried none of them.

So, I have some pitches for that:

First, up the stakes! Does Lydia threaten Faye's life if Maggie doesn't do this? Does she threaten Maggie's life? Then Maggie's indecision becomes heartbreaking, and we'll be fully invested in her struggle. Second, make sure she has no other option to return home (i.e., she should have tried to find another way). One night in the library well after she's already agreed (twice!) to commit to murder, is not enough of an attempt to find her own way home. She got there somehow, she has to know there has to be a way back. Showing her actually attempting to find it would help us feel her frustration and helplessness when she can't. Then we understand her need for Lydia's and then Favaro's help even more. The last pich, indoctrinate her with the Order's cause (which also serves to help indoctrinate and inform the reader of the situation). She's presumably played this game and been on the side of the humans. Let Kindle and Faye show her the horrors of the world with higher stakes than they already do. Have them really indoctrinate her to their fight, so she truly believes that killing Amaranth might actually be a good thing to do. Like, not murder, but a necessary act of war.

Killing Cas is a bit harder, because, as Maggie says to Favaro, she could tell Amaranth. She could easily go to her and get her help. Maybe she could even trade the info that Favaro is scheming to barter for a way home from Amaranth. For all she knows, Amaranth could know how to get her home. Just allowing herself to be pulled every which way without questioning anything or coming up with any kind of alternative plan is just too passive for the main character, I think. Even in the end, she didn't decide NOT to kill Cas. The decision (once again) was taken away from her. I want to see her making more choices and taking ownership of what's happening to her. She can still get tossed about and used like a pawn, but at least she'll be more active/interesting of a character. And I say that having really loved Maggie's character! Which is why that part of the narrative was challenging for me, because otherwise she's such a wonderful character. And characters can make bad choices and wrong choices, sure, but she doesn't even really seem to be doing that.

KINDLE: 

Kindle's character is a great foil to Maggie's. As Faye said, he might be rough around the edges but he's actually incredibly empathetic. I think his PTSD comes through clearly. You do a good job of portraying how much pain he was and still is in. He feels a lot of guilt and blames himself for a lot of things. His choices with Lydia make sense because of that.

Kindle's character arc felt the most complete. He went from feeling inactive and feeling really guilty and being under Lydia's spell to being more active and breaking free from Lydia (to some extent). He still seems to have a ways to go, which makes sense since this is just the first book, but his arc felt like it really came through clearly in the narrative, compared to Maggie and Elle.

I think you could maybe give some hint as to how Kindle feels about fatherhood before the big reveal of Lydia's pregnancy. Obviously, not in a way that obviously gives away what's going to happen. Like a quiet foreshadowing. Maybe he and Maggie can talk about how he's the sole line to keep his people alive (apart from Cas)? But even then, it would only be someone who is half-Ignean. But even that would be something to keep his lineage alive. That's just a pitch, but just something so that when it happens, we understand a bit more what it means to him in a very real, not just an abstract way. Because there are some people who would not be swayed by Lydia being pregnant and would kill her anyway.

ELLE: 

I like how tough Elle is. Anything that comes her way, she just tackles it and moves on. She makes things work for her. She perseveres. It's clear that Maggie is her north star, in a way. Although I think it's a little less clear as to why exactly. At first I had assumed that Elle was in love with Maggie, but now I think that's not accurate. It'd be nice to get a little more backstory to Elle, to see what exactly bonded the two of them so tightly that it's bordering on obsessive and jealous. Basically, I was left at the end of the book still asking the question - what need does Maggie fill in Elle's life that makes her so desperate for her? I love the friendship these two have and how deep it is and how it spurs both of them to get back to each other - but it makes more sense for Maggie because she sees Elle as kind of all she has. So basically, I wanted to also learn a bit more about the "why" of it all for Elle.

Similarly to Maggie, I'm not quite what Elle's arc is. What does she learn during this journey? I feel like the answer lies somewhere in her relationship with Marcellus, but I'm not sure what it is.

Speaking of her relationship with Marcellus, that was just beautifully done. I love their friendship and how much they can admit they care for each other by the end of the novel. I would have maybe liked to see a bit of a slower build of that friendship, but that might just be my preference. They go pretty quickly to being allies/friends. But, a slower build means less time with them being awesome together, so I'm torn!

Although I love how tough Elle is, I think there are a few times where her reactions are a little unbelievably disproportionate to what's actually happening. Finding out they were three years off the mark, for instance, is one spot where she just sort of blinks it off and goes about her business. Look for a few places like that throughout where maybe Elle should be allowed to feel something. Even if she does stuff it down and keep on trucking. Like I said, I love her perseverance, but everyone has to have breaking points.

LYDIA: 

Wow, she is horrifying! I like how you wrote her on the page. She's so evil, but in a way that's a bit unexpected, which I liked. It wasn't just your typical villain. Her specific brand of villainy is somehow even more horrific than anyone else in the novel.

That being said - I'm not sure if she's too evil? It's hard to understand why anyone would defend her, which Kindle kind of does. I know he has his own reasons, but knowing that she killed Carlisle and what she did to Faye and Seraphim feels like, if nothing else, that would be the dealbreaker from anyone being Team Lydia. And they seem kind of Team Lydia, in the first half of the novel. Admittedly, they're not her biggest fans, but they do seem to think she has her reasons and seem to kind of shrug off the situation. I don't know that it's enough to simply say they can't do anything because she's a queen. People have deposed queens before. Quite often, actually. They could kill her and make it look like an accident. They could've tried to break Seraphim free right away. I'm not suggesting they actually do any of these things in the novel, nor would you want them to! But, I'm pointing out that maybe it would be nice to give them a reason to still kind of be Team Lydia. Right now, that reason is lacking.

OTHER THOUGHTS: 

I like how you've paired the characters up with each other. Elle and Marcellus, and Maggie, Faye, and Kindle. They're good groupings and provide a lot of great foils and differences between everyone. All the characters are very distinct, which is nice.

I love how instantly you portray the kind of person Faye is in Ch. 3. Adopted a unicorn! Haha.

Emrys and Serpina don't stand out quite as clearly as everyone else, and sometimes seem too Faye-like because all three have a really positive energy. Consider playing up their particular characteristics even further to really separate them. If Emrys is sort of wispy/hippie-ish, I think that could be played up even more in the earlier chapters she appears. And if Serpina is the smartest of them and is super competitive, really try to draw that out and make that clear immediately. It will help the reader differentiate everyone right off the bat. 

Writing Style: 4.5/5

It was effortless to read! Each character's POV felt unique, and they each had their own brand of humor. The writing was simple in a super effective way. I didn't feel like I had to slog through or work hard to understand things. But it wasn't dumbed down either. It set the exact right tone.

The humor was probably my favorite part. Little quips and inner monologues from the character really brought the writing to life even more.

I thought you were wonderfully specific with a lot of your descriptions, which was perfect. I got some clues to what things looked like and you still left me the freedom to imagine. There were a few spots where I would have liked just a tad more description. For instance, with the manor and with the palace. You describe a few specific details, or you'll describe a room, but I felt a bit unclear on the overall look of these places. Similarly with Kindle's dragon form, you gave some really awesome descriptions of details of what he turns into, but I was still missing a bit the overall form. Just some things to tweak, if you want! Overall, I didn't have any trouble picturing things.

Plot + Originality: 4/5

I thought you had a really solid structure to your story. Kudos for that because figuring out three different plot lines and making them weave together seamlessly and all end up at a great climactic moment is not easy! But it felt effortless in the story. Except for a few character things like I mentioned before, I think you did a great job setting up the story and the characters, and then seeing things through. The ending was climactic and engaging. And it felt like it had a real ending while still leaving the story open for the next novel. People will be dying to read the next one! I know I am. I thought the midpoint was placed really well, and it made sense, the change in scenery and in the plotlines there.

For the opening chapters, I think it'd be better to not send Maggie off on her adventure so soon. Or at least, establish a few things in chapter one before she goes through the door. I think you can: establish the teacher, establish her relationship with her family, establish more her relationship with Elle. Establish their love of the game, maybe even have them playing it. Include some easter eggs for things that will pop up later. There's a fine line with show don't tell. You do a good job of it in scenes, but for the overall story, there's actually a lot of telling and a lot of things that don't get fully established, just told to us after the fact. The more we can see it with our own eyes, so to speak, the more real it will seem to us, and the more effective it will be. So, things like the teacher, the family, and the game, are all things that I think are a missed opportunity if you don't take the time to actually show us them in scene.

I think you could do a bit more with Kindle's perspective in the first half. It seems mostly concerned with showing us his view of Maggie and Lydia. But once Maggie is gone, Kindle comes to life as an active member of the Order. I think we should see some of that in the first half as well. It would definitely help to establish the rules of the world and what exactly is going on. He's such a resource, but you give us little information from him in the first half aside from how he feels about Lydia and Maggie. Let him clue us in to what exactly is happening in this world, so that we can understand it better.

The stakes are high but they don't feel all that high when Maggie is at the palace. It's fine to have fun moments sprinkled throughout, but having someone she cares about have their life at risk if she doesn't deliver would help give everything a sense of urgency. You temper down the tension quite a bit again when the stakes are raised for Maggie with Queen Amaranth. No one wants to sit with a character in constant panic, but I think some level of brevity and trying to track the tension and make sure it's not released too soon would be good. Otherwise the tension doesn't build to the climax of the story, instead it's watered down.

There are a few plot points that felt too easy. Having some coincidences/easy moments in the plot is fine, but there are a few too many here so it becomes a bit of a problem. Things feel a bit too easy for Maggie once she gets outed from the manor. She runs into the prince really easily, he falls in love with her, and Kindle finds her. They make it out of the city and back to the manor and no one sees them. And then they can try and talk to Seraphim with seemingly little threat of being seen by Lydia. It all feels a tad coincidental and easy. It's okay that all of these things happen, but consider trying to roll them out slower or add some more interesting obstacles. Not just for the sake of having obstacles, you can think of ways to help it move along character and plot development as well. It just seems to breeze by really quickly.

They also seem to come up with their plan fairly easily. The Order trusts Maggie quickly and the plan to infiltrate the palace all happens so fast with little to no argument or anyone pointing out the obvious pitfalls, including Maggie. It's also hard to understand quite what they're hoping to gain because the war between the humans and the mythical creatures, though hinted at, hasn't been fully explained. So it's hard to engage with because the reader doesn't actually know what's happening. To help with this, I think you should consider getting to the content in Ch. 14 a lot quicker.

Things also feel easy on the road to and getting into the palace. There was worry of bandits, but nothing happened. She couldn't get in the gate, but then she happened to spot Julian. I would be careful of relying too much on coincidence, and try not to mention all that could go wrong unless you're planning on actually showing us something going wrong.

The guards letting Elle keep her bag when she and Marc are captured also felt too convenient. They could at least look through it, not understand anything in it but assume none of it's a threat, then give it back to her.

Some smaller notes/thoughts:

I don't think the flashback in the beginning of Ch. 4 is actually necessary. We've already gotten the information of her arrival from Faye, and I'd rather just continue with the story and see how Maggie is coping.

In Ch. 5, Elle jumps to the disappearing door into another world assumption a bit quickly. Perhaps if more of a meal was made of this realization. Does Elle remember not seeing the door where Maggie has drawn it? Does the door remind her of something? Perhaps she thinks it could lead to a trapped space or something, as opposed to another world entirely. She could jump to more logical assumptions before leaping to the other world theory.

I love the juxtaposition between Maggie experiencing Aeterna and Marcellus experiencing our world.

Love how Marcellus relates his friends to Pokemon. He's found a way to connect with our world, and it's adorable, hilarious, and insightful. Really clever!

The dancing to the gods stuff was cool, particularly Kindle's internal struggle about it. How he had forgotten but his passion was reignited.

A lot of the information in Ch. 26 about the order and Loftwood seems like it should come much sooner.

Why wouldn't the professor just keep the door safe in her apartment at all times? No one else probably goes in there... whereas anyone can walk into a school building.... Definitely agree that the art teacher could be brought in sooner.

Great twist with the time jump when Elle and Marc go to Aeterna!

I don't really understand the why of practicing the memory trick with Carlisle. Why does Maggie care? What is she hoping to gain? What's her goal?

Would Amaranth not be having Maggie watched, making sure she doesn't try to contact anyone after she reveals she knows Maggie's plan? Unless Maggie contacting the Order is all a part of Amaranth's plans? She does start having her watched the next day, but not before for some reason?

The mythology - Parlakh, seems like something that could be introduced sooner? Seems interesting!

OVERALL SCORE: 20/25

I am sorry I'm so loquacious. I'm wordy because I care! This is a wonderful story, popping with fun characters, an engaging plot, and some really fun twists and turns. It's a wild ride of a read, and I was engaged with it the entire way through. You masterfully wove the three storylines together, and made it so that the reader cared equally about each one. You had some wonderful hints of romance that were just the right kind of slow burn, especially considering there will be further chapters. You definitely created a fan in me! I will be reading book two for sure. For Wattpad, I think this story could be totally great as is. But I think if you wanted to look beyond Wattpad, you could work a bit on character arcs and really solidifying that plot and making sure everything shines through the way you want it to.