Title: Queen of LA

Author: Strangegurl3000

Reviewer: joanna388

Cover + Blurb: 6/10

First of all, I'd like to say I love your cover! It really has a vibe of its own, and the title is all big and pretty in the middle. Perfect.

The blurb has real potential. It's on point, and it gives us a rough idea about what we're about to read, but I think there's something missing. You need to add something that catches our attention, that intrigues us. If you make us wonder over a sentence, or even a word you might add, you got us.

Editing it grammar-wise will also help with the overall image, but I don't want to dwell on that for longer than I have to so I'll ask the more important questions:

What else is going on in the book?

Does the character find herself in too many kill-or-be-killed situations?

Why do people call her a monster?

If she's done some really terrible things, tell us when you introduce her. We know her overall role in the book, but we don't see anything about who she is, her character, her wants.

That goes for Noah as well. All we know is that he's unafraid and comical throughout, nothing else. What about that strawberry guy? Why is that the only thing we read about him?

Characters and the way they're introduced to us play a very big role when deciding to read a book. We like to know a few more things about them, to sympathize, to put ourselves in their shoes. So please add a little something about them, it makes a big difference.

Intro: 5/5

The story begins with an action. There's no waking up in bed, nor are there any long paragraphs about what she looks like, what she's wearing etc etc.

It honestly felt like an intro to a movie to me. I could almost hear the curator's voice in my head, reciting it gravely, with a certain dread that makes your brain jump to conclusions. And that foreshadowing part makes it even better.

Simply put, it's a really good way to start!

Plot + Originality: 5/10

In terms of originality, mafia books aren't that scarce on Wattpad, but I like how it's not the kind of book that keeps milking on that plot alone. It's not about a mafia boss who falls in love with a quirky girl, enthralled by the fact that 'she's not like other girls'. For starters, the mafia boss here is a girl, and a pretty badass one at that!

But, there are a few questionable parts as well.

To start with, when Noah first enters the coffee shop, he finds himself being held at gunpoint. Of course, the logical thing in a situation like that is to raise your hands to show you're not a threat, which is what he did. But right after that, when they capture him and take him back, he doesn't utter a single word. I might have thought that was because he was too scared to, but when Hades looks at him, she says he's defiant, so there goes that.

While I could understand the silence, mainly because he'd been working for less than ideal people in the past, there's pretty much nothing mentioned about him while they're on the road.

Think about it, put yourself in his shoes, how would you act? Even when trying to act tough and unafraid wouldn't you fidget? Maybe tap your finger anxiously? Look around for any possible escape?

He might try to look unafraid on the outside, but he's afraid, isn't he? Even in the slightest? So show us that, make him react to his surroundings. To the car coming to an abrupt stop, to the doors being slammed shut, to the seatbelts fastening or unfastening or whatever else might trigger a response from him. It feels a lot more realistic that way.

On another note, when Hades fires the gun and sees that he's not dead, she is shell-shocked and proceeds to say that to Noah when he asks. I would have been less surprised if she hadn't shot that woman unblinkingly only two chapters up. But then she's flabbergasted when it's him? Who is still a complete stranger I might add.

After that, the story jumps to three weeks later. We don't see the character's original reactions at being held captive, or his relationship with Hades, which is quite disappointing. I would have loved to read about them learning about each other.

Also, since Noah wasn't a part of the mafia, why make him get a tattoo? I mean, "you're part of this now."? He's not trustworthy, he literally tries to escape whenever he finds a chance to after that, and judging by the flashback with Sam, it feels like she's looking for trustworthy, so why? That might be a little too sudden, so I suggest you either add a little something more about their relationship in the three weeks that pass, or slow it down a tad.

Noah also tries to kiss her, while also desperately trying to escape that place? I suppose that has something to do with the weeks he was there, but we see none of that. It just seems to be a little too soon, making it a bit unrealistic.

Then there's the fact that her mom was stabbed at 6 months pregnant and one of the kids survived...? Is that even possible? The fetus is not fully formed then, so maybe changing that to 9 months would be better.

Grammar + Punctuation: 17/20

Your grammar has been pretty spot on throughout the book. There were a couple of sentences that could've been phrased better, and a few punctuation errors that caught my eye, but that's nothing a little editing can't solve.

Good job!

Writing Style: 8/10

Your writing style is clear and very easy to read. That's really good, considering I like to binge-read, like a lot other readers, which means I don't get tired while reading your book.

Consider adding something more when describing your characters. Are they tall? Stocky? Skinny? Just the color of their eyes and hair doesn't help us picture them wholly. Learning about their built, for example, will make the characters more clear in our minds.

Also, at the end, when she let's him go, there's another jump to a week later, but in the next chapter, Noah's POV is the continuation of that day. It's better if you just show that before the time-jump to avoid any confusion.

Character Development: 2/10

When we're first introduced to Hades's character, she is shown as a strong, independent woman who had to take over a family business she never wanted. I'm all up for that, in fact, I love it! But hear me out here:

When that whole scene with the knife happens, why doesn't she react? She's a mafia boss trained in combat and literally has bodyguards everywhere around her, waiting for her beck and call. Ignoring the first time she tried to break things with him, which he refused, I don't really understand why—after all that time and training—she just doesn't react and fight back. In one chapter we see her as a cold-blooded killer, there's also the whole 'monster' nickname, and then she can't even fight back?

And then Noah comes, whom she'd literally beaten in training like a few minutes prior, and he saves her? That gives me white night and damsel in distress vibes.

Hades is still human, she has feelings, she makes mistakes, but that's completely out of character. It's like reading about another person.

Make her fight a little. Maybe he even brought her a drink and drugged her; but being passive just for the sake of the plot—which translates to Noah rescuing her to add more romance points—feels wrong. Let Hades stick to her character, she's awesome!

Dialogue: 8/10

I noticed a small punctuation mistake in your dialogue but it wasn't a repeating one.

When your characters are in dialogue, you need to know whether you need to end the sentence with a comma, or a period.

If the sentence is followed by a verbal tag, you use a comma. Example:

"You don't want that," he said.

Also, there's a paragraph where another person starts speaking but the dialogue isn't split. That causes confusion so I suggest you edit that part as well.

OVERALL SCORE: 51/100