Title: He

Author: Tinydreamer01

Reviewer: joanna388

Title + Cover: 5/10

To be honest, I think you can find a better picture to use as a cover. The Photoshop used to swap the faces made it a little awkward to look at, which means I'd probably skip the story while browsing through books to read. There are a lot of ways you can use both their faces for it, one being using two separate photos and doing a collage. You'll have to make sure the colors and saturation matches though, so be thorough. The cover is the first thing that draws a reader in, so it's important that you make it as good as you can! I like that your title is big and visible in the middle, right over your name.

The blurb has real potential! You've written about your characters and what they're like, the general plot, and have in general cleared that this is a romance book. Information wise, your blurb is really good, but you'll have to work on editing your grammar and punctuation. I'd structure and change your first paragraph a bit as well if I were you. While you get the main point across, the paragraph lacks cohesion and fluidity between each sentence.

Intro: 2/5

I like how you decided to start off with a paragraph that makes you question the subject in your head. It brings a philosophical touch to it that I, as a reader, greatly appreciate. But you'll have to edit it grammar and punctuation wise both. When one of two is not used correctly, it really messes with the flow of the story, which makes your reader get tired while reading.

You also started off normally, and then added the 'Lydia's POV', and after that the 'IN LOS ANGELES'. I'd recommend:

a) To put the POV at the very top, before the story starts.

b) To add the location in your paragraph, while she explains where she's from and all that. But be careful not to info dump everything at the start! It might seem like an easy way to introduce your character to your readers, but it just makes it a very long, boring paragraph.

Plot + Originality: 5/10

There are a lot of romance books out there, which means that sometimes, a certain plot is being used over and over by a few. Even after taking into consideration that every writer writes his/her story differently, it can look the same; so it sometimes feels like reading the same book with different character names.

It's not the most original plot I've ever seen, (sorry!), but I like the way you approach the subject. She lands a role on Netflix, which is awesome by the way, and happens to be in the same series as her idol. It's a pretty basic plotline, but still effective. I do think that your pace is a little too fast though.

Grammar + Punctuation: 3/20

Here's the tough part. You're going to have to work and study both of them thoroughly, including sentence structure at certain parts.

To start with, there seems to be a lack in definite and indefinite articles. (a, an, the)

Articles are used before nouns or noun equivalents and are a type of adjective. You can Google them, they will really help you with your writing now and for the future!

Relative pronouns and adverbs also seem to be a problem when reading through your work. (who, whom, whose, that, which)

Where is a relative adverb.

Researching about these will greatly improve your writing.

I've noticed that you sometimes don't put a space after using a comma, but that's nothing a little editing can't fix.

You also use quotation marks about what she's thinking, which is incorrect. I thought she was speaking out loud, which is the point when using them, so there is no need to quote something that she's thinking.

There is very little punctuation in general. That makes your sentences hard to read, especially when speed reading. Speaking your paragraphs aloud will really help with that. You can tell when to stop when speaking, so it'll help when trying to use commas; but that won't be enough for the entirety of your book. You'll need to do some research.

Sometimes you seem to have a hard time separating when to use past, or present tense. While that wasn't something I saw happening a lot, I still recommend revising your work to make sure you've got it down.

You also capitalize when it's not needed, or don't when it is. Whenever you start a new sentence after a full stop, you capitalize. Names are capitalized. You don't capitalize after a comma, especially if that's in a sentence.

I'll go through a few things I noticed while reading:

"Let... me... goooo" (shouting).

First of all, there is no punctuation. Dialogue needs punctuation too, which will be explained more down below.

You've also bracketed the word 'shouting', which isn't needed. You can just say it. I also understand that you want to show struggle, but it's better to write that than just using ellipsis (...).

For example:

"Let. Me. Go!" She shouted, struggling over the woman's hold.

That could work as well. Every word is being punctuated, and there is no need for bracketing.

Example:

"I was busy with stuffs."

I saw that quite a few times. 'Stuff' is correct here.

Example:

"I am going to romance him" was another thing I've noticed you use a lot. That doesn't make any sense in a sentence, and while I, and everyone else can understand what you mean, it's not correct.

Example:

'Then we leave the airport in hasten'

hasten=> haste

goin quiet=> going quite

afore me=> before me

leak=> lick

Towards, onwards etc, don't need the 's'. => toward

'I bounce in surprise' => I jump in surprise

'Stressful af.'

I recommend either using the actual words, or saying something else entirely.

Also 'Statue avatar'? What?

I'm not going to lie, I thought there would be an 'Avatar: The Last Airbender' reference somewhere in there when I first saw it. But it just kept being repeated over and over without such context. It really messed up with the flow, and made me go back a couple times at first. I won't correct this one, because it didn't make sense when used. Not just because of the grammar, it just didn't stick in with the sentence.

Example:

'I bid a bye to Freya, She wishes...'

For starters, it's actually bid goodbye. You also capitalize the 's' after the comma, which I've already explained was incorrect a few paragraphs up.

Melodius voice=> melodic voice

Writing Style: 3/10

I'll be honest here; your writing style is being overshadowed by your grammar and punctuation. Something that I've seen constantly being repeated is that you write, not show.

Example:

I say being confused.

There should be a comma after the 'say', and the 'being' isn't needed, but the main point here is that you say she's confused, not show it, which happens quite a lot. Try to show that more with action rather than just write it.

If she's angry, make her ball her hands into fists. If she's scared, make her take a step back, or widen her eyes. If she's surprised, part her lips. I think you understand where I'm going with this.

Show more, don't just tell.

Example:

"Hi, Lydia. I am Simon... Simon Collins. Nice to meet you, girl."

This sentence was pretty awkward to read. It felt too forced, like something someone would say while being held at gun-point maybe. Put yourself in their shoes, what would they say, how would they act?

Picturing yourself in their situation might help you imagine how the dialogue would go.

Character Development: 3/10

To be honest, I haven't seen much of their characters while reading. You've focused on the general plot mostly, passing over their characters and opting to show the romance. That alienates the reader, and doesn't help with identifying with them.

You should write a little something about them too, I think it was lacking on that part.

Did they have any other dreams before they started acting? Did something happen when they were young that traumatized them? You don't have to overload the readers with information, just make sure you add some when writing.

Dialogue: 5/10

I noticed that your punctuation when in dialogue is a bit off.

When your characters are in dialogue, you need to know whether you need to end the sentence with a comma, or a period.

If the sentence is followed by a verbal tag, you use a comma. Example:

"You blamed me," he whispered.

If it's followed by an action, you use a full stop.

You also sometimes close your dialogue before a full stop. Example:

"Yes".

The correct punctuation would be:

"Yes."

Always close after you punctuate.

OVERALL SCORE: 26/75

I really hope I've helped you and your writing by pointing these out, and don't come out as rude or anything. I'm just really trying to help!

Thank you for choosing me as your reviewer and have an amazing day!