Title: Only Mine

Author: iampromzy

Reviewer: GnomeMercy

Summary: 1/5

A good summary should establish some of your characters, the setting, the dilemma, and the stakes. None of that (except perhaps your characters) were properly shown, so it's very hard for me to figure out what the plot of your story is.

Let's dissect what you already have. Here is the first sentence:

When Ava Blake was sent out of her house and disowned by her parent because of a one night mistake.

She had now her to go.

I think you mean:

When Ava Blake was sent out of her house and disowned by her parents because of a mistake, she had nowhere to go.

The next line:

She came across ruthless billionaire Dian Lawson who pick interest in her immediately he saw her.

I think you meant:

She came across ruthless billionaire Dian Lawson who showed interest in her immediately when he saw her.

Also, this is a great time to show why. Why does this ruthless billionaire take interest in a disowned girl? It gives an element of realism to your story, and it's important you add it in!

It turns out that the mystery Ava has been trying to solve for months now was all Dian Lawson.

How will she take it when she finds out the truth.

Will there be love or hate?

Okay, that's got a bit of the dilemma here, but what is this mystery? Why is this mystery so important? Give a little bit of the stakes here: does she have to solve this mystery within a specific time limit? If she solves it will she be able to come home? Give us a reason for her to want to solve this mystery and raise the tension. Also, grammatically speaking, you must add a question mark after 'truth'. As of now, your summary doesn't give us enough information. Watch out for typos and try to add all of the elements needed (as mentioned above).

Grammar: 1.5/5

There were a lot of grammatical errors in your story. Please make sure to do your research on grammar so you can improve it when it comes to editing.

Firstly, verbal tags. I've explained this so much I could probably do it in my sleep, so here are some examples of properly punctuated speech (which, by the way, you had absolutely none of). Also, before I show these examples, you need to know what a verbal tag is. A verbal tag is anything from "she said" to "they stated", or anything along those lines. It's about the speaking and the way a character says it. Phrases such as "he grinned", or "she nodded" are not verbal tags and have different rules.

Correct use of verbal tags:

"Hello," she said.

"Hi!" he said.

"How are you?" they said.

Some examples of incorrect use of verbal tags:

"Hello." She said.

"Hi." he said.

"How are you?" They said.

"I'm fine" he said.

"That's good to know she said.

When there is no verbal tag:

"I'm doing okay." She nodded.

Next, typos. You had a lot of these, as well as a lot of misspellings. You also used 'i' instead of 'I'. Please do not do that, as it is grammatically incorrect. I recommend going through your chapter and editing before hitting publish. It gives your work a lot more quality. You also used 'tho' instead of 'though' -- once again, grammatically incorrect.

When using ellipses (...) please do not do this: ........ It is grammatically incorrect. Ellipses should only have three dots (...). Nothing more and nothing less.

Be consistent with your tenses. If most of the story is in past tense, stick to past tense. Don't switch between past and present as that is grammatically incorrect and can get confusing to read.

Please do not use commas like this:

"Hello,how are you?"

There should be a space after a comma, like this:

"Hello, how are you?"

Sometimes you censor 'fuck' and sometimes you don't. Be consistent with your censoring.

Overall, you had a lot of grammatical errors that could easily be solved with a quick reread and edit before you hit publish. This way, when you go back to edit the chapters later, there are less mistakes and it makes it easier for people to read. It also gives it a much more professional feel.

Characters: 1/5

I did not find your characters realistic. Please understand that in real life, nobody would fall in love with an abuser like Dian, especially if he was trying to kill your father. But let's backtrack a bit so I can explain the problems I had with your characters.

Firstly, logic. Your characters didn't really show much common sense, and a lot of their leaps of logic seemed very unrealistic. For example, Dian fired that first assistant for absolutely no reason. If she had messed up a lot, maybe he would have fired her, but she messed up once (and that was on a perfect record). No one in their right mind would do that, and it shows Dian in a very bad light. We're supposed to fall in love with him as Ava does, but instead, all I could see was how much of a jerk he was, and how manipulative, rude, and borderline--if not actually--abusive he was. Please, please change his character. I'm not saying this because I didn't like him, I'm saying this because he is abusive, and Ava's and Dian's relationship is romanticising that abuse. As someone who knows what abuse is first hand it actually hurts to see you show it in a romantic or 'dramatic' light. It's not dramatic, it's not romantic, it's terrifying so please stop.

Additionally, Dian met the new assistant and called her a bitch after her saying two (might I add polite) words. No, this is firstly very rude (if not even sexist). Just because she is a pretty woman does not make her a slut. It makes her a normal woman. If you want her to be a bitch, show that instead of an unreliable narrator randomly assuming it.

As you can tell, I already disliked Dian a lot. In terms of Ava, I was more annoyed--but she was also so unrealistic that I couldn't actually believe she was a character. After getting raped (or having a one night stand? It was rape in the first few chapters, but then it changed. Please be consistent with this, as the effects of both will be very different), nobody would be that interested in someone. Let alone someone who randomly takes them to their house and basically imprisons them. They wouldn't be thinking about whether or not they're married, and they won't be thinking about how pretty the house is, especially when he's so unnecessarily rude and almost threatened to hurt her. Ava would be terrified realistically, and would do her best to escape. She would not randomly fall in love with him--and nobody would let someone treat them like that.

Lastly, you had an incorrect representation of mental health. Ava describes Dian as 'bipolar'. Unless he was properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist, no, he's not bipolar, he's just a douche. Don't call anyone bipolar unless they are diagnosed. It shows a harmful stigma and harms those who are actually suffering from it. If Dian actually is bipolar, that is not an accurate representation. Bipolar disorder is not like that at all. Please do a lot of research if you want to incorporate that in your story.

Also, on an additional note: CONSENT. That isn't just about sex. It's about the smaller things, like asking to read someone's work or asking if you can look through their phone. It's also about kissing. Dian stated that he would kiss Ava whenever he felt like it (and he did it that one time). I don't care that she kissed back (which is very weird because he has threatened to hurt her multiple times. Nobody would ever kiss someone like that back). He didn't ask to kiss her, so it is technically assault. If he had asked beforehand (and she'd accepted) it'd be totally fine. Consent isn't just a yes out loud (though it can be). You can show them agreeing through their body language and actions, too. It's harmful to show non consensual relationships, because younger readers will think it's okay. It's not.

Writing: 1.5/5

There was so much telling and not enough showing. Show your characters' emotions--whether it is through body language, dialogue, facial expressions, or actions. Show their personalities--through choices, actions, quirks, dialogue, and expressions. Show their thought process by explaining why they do the things they do. And please make sure these thought processes actually make sense! Your writing could go to another level if you start showing more than telling.

Also, it switches between Ava, Dian, and third person POV in one chapter. Stick to either first or third person--do not use both. You don't see stories switching between the two, and this is because it gets very confusing for the reader very fast. Also, don't switch between Ava and Dian in one chapter. I recommend switching POVs with every chapter, so it's easier for your readers. 

Plot: 1/5

I'm going to be honest: I've seen this kind of plot a lot of times. Instead, try mixing things up a little. Add twists, subverse tropes; this makes it so much more original and interesting to read!

Also, Dian and Ava are in a toxic and abusive relationship. Unfortunately, this is also very common in the storyline you have, but it's harmful to show case this in a romantic light. A good way to subverse this is to maybe make Ava leave him once she realises Dian is actually a horrible person--or maybe even change Dian's character (not halfway through the story, but make it consistent) and make him nice and caring from the start. Nobody likes abusers and abusive relationships. Nobody.

There were also two very big plot holes that I noticed. One was that in the first chapter, it says that Ava was raped, but then when it's revealed Dian is actually the father of the baby, it says it was a one night stand. These are NOT interchangeable. Rape is a crime and non consenual. It leads to years of trauma and ruins people's lives. A one night stand is consensual, and a fun thing that happens once or twice and never really mentioned again. Please be consistent.

Another plot hole was Ava's pregnancy. One minute she's pregnant for six months, the next she's pregnant for two. Keep it realistic and consistent as it's a bit confusing.

OVERALL SCORE: 6/25

Firstly, I'd like to apologise for the harshness of this review. Please try to work on these issues and also try to improve your grammar and writing. There are many ways to do this, and it only requires a bit of research. I hope this helped.