Title: Rogue in Paris

Author: SydPanda5

Reviewer: ScarredHeroes

Description + Book Cover: 4/5

The book cover is absolutely stunning to the eye! I loved the mysterious yet aloof vibe it gave me. I would deem this to be a very good cover to bring forward a lot of views.

But don't be hesitant to make more as your story progresses, because at one point of time, you won't really be satisfied with it.

After being shot in the arm from her last mission, Agent Harper Medley and her best friend Amber Talle fly to Paris on a mission to find two missing agents, one of which saved Harper's life, and the other possibly rogue. In hopes of paying back a life debt and earning back her pride, Harper thinks this mission is the perfect way to prove that she's not as useless as she thinks... but when more agents go missing, the world's most deadly assassin leader Camille Aguste's kill-target revealed, and one handsome Frenchmen walks into the picture, Harper begins to think that this mission is more than she bargained for.

1) There's a lot happening here.

Descriptions are just a short introduction to what the readers are going to expect when they decided to read the book.

It should be clear, crisp and eloquently written.

For example, the description of Die Hard

New York City policeman John McClane is visiting his estranged wife and two daughters on Christmas Eve. He joins her at a holiday party in the headquarters of the Japanese-owned business she works for. But the festivities are interrupted by a group of terrorists who take over the exclusive high-rise, and everyone in it. Very soon McClane realizes that there's no one to save the hostages -- but him.

Here, the plot is clear: John McClane has a mission in his hand, and he's the only one that can save the hostages from the terrorists.

There's a reason, there is requirement and there is the action that this description.

I'm not saying that yours has to be the same, the key points to be taken here is that:

a) Your bring your main character.

b) You give her a challenge

c) Just give minute information on the obstacle she might/ will face.

c) Just give minute information on the obstacle she might/ will face.

You have given all of these, but you've also given to much of information that prevents people from taking in all the important stuff.

Let me give a preview of a rewritten version, just from my point of view:

Agent Medley and her best friend, Agent Talle, fly to Paris on a mission to find two missing agents, one of which saved Harper's life and the other possibly rogue.

In hopes of fulfilling payback a life debt and winning back her lost pride, Agent Medley finds this mission to be the golden opportunity to prove her abilities.

But with more agents going missing, the news of the kill-target of the world's most deadly leader of an assassin group, Agent Medley begins to realise that this mission is more than what she bargained for.

Added to this chaos is one handsome Frenchman entering into the picture, loving her being his only intention.

I feel like you just need to write your description on a piece of paper and read it aloud, slowly and then fast. I think you'll be able to notice a couple of 'extra' information that you edit out.

Grammar + Punctuation: 3.5/5

Your punctuation is pretty good, appropriately placed in the right time.

But I do suggest you short down your sentences to prevent the extremely frequent use of commas.

For example: 

The only people I'm close to is Ames, because she's been there for me...

You don't use commas when you have subordinate conjunctions like 'because'. Or for any sort of conjunctions. Basically, conjunctions are words that join two phrases.

Either you can use commas or use conjunctions. (see what I did there? with the 'or')

Grammar wise, I suggest you can replace certain words with better, more enhanced versions with the same meaning, provided you phrase it in the appropriate context.

I would laugh, but the fact that I didn't notice a hot guy is seriously freaking me out. Not because I really want a boyfriend, which I kinda don't really, but the fact that my observation skills seem to have a gap. That could be bad during a mission when I'm supposed to be aware of my surroundings.

Rephrased: 

I would laugh at her words, but the lingering thought of not noticing a hot guy bothers me to a huge extent. It's not due to the fact that I don't have a boyfriend; I don't require any sort of relationship like that, but the fact that I overlooked him depicts a gap in my observation skills.

Which is a huge warning, considering I have to be on alert of my surroundings during every mission.

What you've written is not wrong, but the second version sounds more polished. Which is what readers will notice.

[though, ray_of_sunshine9 here to chime in -- I disagree. I think the original version sounds more natural and human, which is what you should aim for in first person. The second version feels a little redundant and forced, but it could work perfectly if your character is the type to sound formal and professional when she thinks.]

Writing Style: 2.5/5

The previous group, I rephrased a paragraph with more 'enhanced' vocabulary. That was from the grammar point of view.

But rephrasing plays a major role in your writing style too.

1) Rephrasing- it allows your writing to be smooth and provides the exact information you require the reader to know.

This is the first chunk of words I found unnecessary. Unnecessary as in needing more polishing. Not that this paragraph is not wanted.

I plopped down into her desk chair and spun around, as childish as it sounds. I love it when Ames gets like this, her nose thrust in the air, her eyes narrowed in disbelief, knowing that what I could say next might make her want to grab me by the shirt and start shaking me. I guess you could say I'm a horrible friend for wanting my best friend to yell at me... but what the hell? I don't get much interaction with anyone I know these days. The secret services are always throwing me into the next mission in some distant land, with foreign people who I have to trick into trusting me so I can exploit all their secrets.

Since you're describing Amber's personality- at least a part of it, I would suggest you split the paragraph into two- first, Harper's action and then her describing Amber's reaction.

I mean this:

I plopped down into her desk chair and spun around like a child.

It was amusing to see Amber acting like this- her nose thrust in the air, her eyes narrowed in disbelief, knowing that what I could say next might make her want to grab me by the shirt and start shaking me.

I guess you could say I'm a horrible friend for wanting my best friend to yell at me... but what the hell?

I don't get much interaction with anyone I know these days. The secret services are always throwing me into the next mission in some distant land, with foreign people who I have to trick into trusting me so I can exploit all their secrets.

2) Colloquial Slang-

This is something people will peer through every word once they spot usage of language that is not really advised while writing.

It may sound easy when speaking, but it its highly advised against. Using colloquial language might help the reader understand, but it only diminishes the polished writing and style your story tries to deliver.

At times while writing action, this will reduce the effects of the emotions you are trying to portray when your character is placed in a difficult situation.

To me, I was unable to feel Harper's emotions, primarily due to your usage of colloquial language.

For example: 

The only people I'm close to is Ames, because she's been there for me since the 4th grade and won't let me ghost her without dragging my butt back to HQ and finding a way for me to stay there for the next week being questioned, my little sister Caroline because she's the only sister who doesn't hate me, and I love her, duh, and my mom, because well, she's my mom and the only parent I got left.

Here, you are portraying the relation between Harper and Amber; the strength their friendship holds and why Amber is important to Harper.

Rephrased: 

The only person here I'm close to is Ames because she's been there since 4th grade. She would never let me ghost her, always drove me back to HQ and found a way to stay there for the next week being questioned. Apart from her, I loved my little sister Caroline; the only sister who doesn't hate me and then my mom. The only parent left.

The 'duh' here isn't really appropriate. I can comprehend that you're trying to connect to the readers, nut instead of using such words, I suggest you use minimalistic words, that are neither to hard to understand nor too beginner.

3) Action writing- I have seen only a couple of actions scenes and they're good. But it would help if you do some research on action writing and maybe various forms of fighting. This will refine and hone your skills, allowing you to write more efficiently.

Characterisation: 4/5

In this aspect, you've done such a good job! Even though there is less than twenty chapters, you've done well in terms of introducing them, establishing their foundation and managed to put them in certain situations that bring out their other sides.

But, personally, I feel like there has to be a little more personalisation of your characters. Pet peeves, fears, abilities.

This prevents your book to fall into the click action formula; allowing your book to be different and a fresh read.

Don't be afraid to give them huge flaws. Give them even harder situations that forces their egregious side/ vulnerable side to everyone.

Also, please don't write flashbacks as a whole. Maybe introduce them piece by piece, allow the reader to muse and ponder, allow them to debate over what actually happened and then piece the moments together in one chapter. Make it short, don't explain it too much. It's a pro tip, helps the reader invested.

Also, add more humour and scrams during the dark times. Trust me, it helps adding the tension even more.

I would also recommend you to make the reader more human rather than fiction, because this will allow the reader to invest emotionally.

Your writing style hindered me from really capturing your characters, it took me a couple of days to really get to the zenith of their personalities. I'm really intrigued by them, I hope you don't go astray by framing them as the cliche 'action' characters.

Plot + Originality: 4.5/5

I've read many actions books and only a handful has managed to impress me. I can confidently put your book into the 'good' books because it has shown great potential.

On the lines of originality, I would say this isn't really different because most of the books involve the same plot line. But don't worry, this isn't bad!

This would be a plus point because readers might know what happens, but if you write with plot twists and mystery, just like you have, I'm sure no one would really care if it's the same.

As for the plot, it was explosive! I'm invested in your story and I have some theories of my own. You've done an outstanding job in building the pressure and mystery.

Apart from some major flaws that can definitely be corrected by practice and editing, maybe even reading some good action books and watching movies, this book will be something big.

Don't give up in the process even if you have some doubts, you can definitely approach me! Don't be hesitant for ideas, cause I have a ton of them!

Thank you for being so patient and considerate after everything!