Title: Mind Reader 

Author: PenWriter16

Reviewer: ScarredHeroes

Description + Book Cover: 2.5/5

Your book cover is appropriate and average, allowing people to relate your book's genre with the cover. But, in order for your book to stand out, you can put in just a little bit more effort to create a more personalised book cover that intrigues people.

Many people don't judge a book by its cover, but a random image with the title slapped onto it does not seem catchy and will fail to impress people. This is not in your case, but to prevent being thrown into such category, it is imperative for you to try making alternate book covers or find people on Wattpad who can make such covers for you.

On the lines of description, it seemed blunt and almost bleak. You've merely introduced Denise Easton, her clairvoyance and an unlucky life that seems to indulge into danger.

For example: 

Life's hard, especially when you're the world's most unsuccessful psychic. Denise Easton is gifted. She's a mind reader, clairvoyant and has the power of persuasion on her side. But yet so unsuccessful in her psychic business. She's about to give up until someone comes seeking help for their lost friend.

Rephrase this: 

Denise Easton is gifted. A mind reader, clairvoyant and armed with the power of persuasion.

But that's not enough for becoming successful in the battle of the psychic business. When all fails to go her way, she's on the verge on giving up.

Until a young girl comes seeking help for her lost friend.

A promise of mystery, danger and unraveling secrets, Denise has to rely on her powers and instinct.

Because everything including her life and business is on the line.

By bringing spacing between lines to enhance the dramatic sense, it gives your description the power of intriguing the readers to read your book almost immediately. Rephrasing is very powerful, especially for fantasy and mystery novels.

Grammar + Punctuation: 3/5

Unnecessary words. For example, the first paragraph: 

I closed my eyes and clutched the picture of the white Persian cat tightly. I cleared my mind and tried to concentrate. I kept envisioning the image of the cat repeatedly until I found a clear picture.

I kept envisioning the image of the cat repeatedly'- 'Repeatedly' is not necessary since 'kept envisioning' itself allows the reader to learn that the action is done persistently.

But with editing and thorough reading, this issue can be resolved. Expanding your vocabulary by using alternatives in the right manner can help you avoid this.

Writing Style: 2.5/5

Overall, I liked the way you write. But there are some deep loopholes that makes your book appear to be written vapidly. 

Phrasing is the biggest flaw in your book. Almost every line needs to be looked over and be re written. I've spilt the two types of rephrasing that you must do-

Description/Paragraph Writing: 

Almost most of your story requires rephrasing, as you're just beginning to write, this is one of the roadblocks in writing. Rephrasing your sentences to provide a crisp paragraph will not bore readers.

Let's take the same example from abobe: 

I closed my eyes and clutched the picture of the white Persian cat tightly. I cleared my mind and tried to concentrate. I kept envisioning the image of the cat repeatedly until I found a clear picture.

Rephrased: 

With my eyes closed and fingers clutching the picture of the white Persian cat, I cleared my mind and tried to concentrate. I kept envisioning the image until I found a clear picture.

The rephrased version is short but clear enough to know the character's action and their intention behind it.

Let me give another example:

I made a quick stop at the dumpster. It was such a chore trying to coerce the cat into my arms. It was smart and knew not to go close to a stranger. After a long while, I was able to get hold of the cat (whose name was Tamara) but not before needing a few tetanus shots.

Rephrased:

A quick stop at the dumpster took a long time since I needed to coerce that cat, Tamara, which was smart enough to not go close to a stranger. But I was able to get ahold of it, not before requiring a couple of tetanus shots.

Finally. 

I'm not saying what you've written is wrong, but writing a mystery story requires crisp scenes so that the story captures the attention of the readers and allows them to relate.

Don't be hesitant to add your MC (Main Character's) thoughts, not too much, but enough to maybe add some humour or terror, which also allows readers to connect more deeply to the story.

Dialogue: 

"Harvey, come on, I know you don't really know Lily but she's a person in trouble and she could be hurt." I pleaded and watched triumphantly as Harvey softened.

Rephrased- I pleaded and rejoiced in triumph as his face softened.

Here 'rejoiced' allows the reader to know that she's satisfied as she's convinced Harvey to help. Thats what you want your readers to know.

And the fact that it was so well hidden made my stomach flop. She sat in front of us. "Harvey! How have you been?" She grinned. "It's you again," her smile turned dark.

"It's Denise." I smiled nervously.

Rephrased: 

My stomach flipped at the well hidden fact as she sat in front of us with a huge grin. "Harvey! How have you been!"

The moment her eyes met mine, her grin morphed into a dark scowl, revealing her true self.

"Oh, it's you again."

A nervous grin settles as I speak up, "I'm Denise."

Allow your readers to see the actions and not merely read them. Your writing is the eyes of the character, serving the reader to see the story from a comfortable, front row.

All of this entirely relies on your editing and knowledge on writing, which will expand as you read more books of every genre.

Every genre has its style. When it comes to mystery/ thriller, you have no space to allow readers to get bored. Your story must grip them tightly and pin them so hard, they forget everything around them.

Reading every good book you have your hands on, gives you ideas and inspiration and teaches you the art of writing.

This is something that every beginning author goes through, with lots of reading, writing and learning more and more, you'll get the hand of it.

Characterisation: 3.5/5

The points I've mentioned above impacts your character build and writing, and since you're still in the learning phase, your characters are not throughly developed. From the excerpt of nine chapter's that I've read, I was not able to grasp your character's personality.

But, I have taken a liking to every character you have written. Let it be Denise, the woman who tries to help or Evan, the boyfriend who takes care of her and the best happens to be Kara!

It's truly refreshing to read dark character's and as humorous as you've depicted her to be, but there's a lot that happens to be missing.

Your character's are your creation, you have to be close to them, give them intimate details and traits that come into play.

You have to construct situations that force your characters to reveal their abilities/ flaws. The main point here is that you should not delay this, implement this after you've established your setting- after your second chapter.

I liked Denise in this aspect because you've made her a kind of person that sees someone's pain and strives to help them, and I like that a lot. I noticed this aspect of her as your chapters proceed.

Personalising your characters by giving them traits/pet peeves/likes/dislikes/fears/allows readers to empathise. Give your characters spotlight, make certain moment memorable, because every paragraph you write, adds to your story.

Your story requires momentum, which I've found is present but not enough to empower emotions. As Denise takes up the case, delve into the action part right away. Maybe give her clues, or make someone who is connected to the victim approach her.

You've done a formidable job in this aspect, but try to improve. Like I've mentioned a lot, rephrasing provides this certain clarity.

Plot + Originality: 4.5/5

Refreshing plot! I've not read mystery book like this, so all flaws apart, I was thoroughly impressed!

You're originality shines in this aspect and I'm absolutely hooked! You're portrayal of a strong female lead (I think so) who has powers but is human enough to help is admirable.

Try building on this and don't be afraid to implement action or any other part of mystery to spice up things. Make sure you don't slack somewhere in the middle, it may ruin your book.

As for the plot, with the things I've mentioned and some refining, everything will be smooth. Make sure you add twists, cliffhangers and gripping storytelling techniques by creating scenarios and characters.

Be thorough in your story's intention and have a rough draft or sketch of how your story will progress and end, include every plot twist and crevice. Have intentions of trying to help your reader understand everything, but not too early enough to spoil the plot. Take your time with writing and allow the creativity to flow to aid your in the writing process.

OVERALL SCORE: 16/25