Title: Ethereal Thread

Author: MusicalKehleigh

Reviewer: eliza-lou

Firstly, thanks for lettingme read your book! And thank you so much for your patience in waiting for thisreview during the craziness of the world right now. It's always a vulnerablething - letting others read and critique the ideas and characters that mean alot to us - so thanks for putting your work out there. With that, let's getstarted! 

Title/Cover/Summary: 4/5

Title: 

It's unique and to thepoint! I like it! Definitely sets the tone that this is a fantasy book or hassome sort of "other-worldly" aspects. With that, I'd remove "First draft" fromthe title - it makes the title way too full and busy. You include a warningabout it not being edited in your summary - you don't need double warnings! 

Cover: 

I like the image of the cover a lot! I think you could play more with the fonts. Your title is legible from the small thumbnail, but your author name isn't - so maybe look at different fonts that could help both the title AND your name be visible! :) Also, I'm not sure what the "2k, 8k, 20k" little things in the bottom are for? I'd either make their purpose more clear, or remove it. You cover needs to be clean - picture, title, author name. IF you have any badge from an award, strategically place it to not cover anything. Other than that, nothing else should be on the cover.

Summary: 

What a great foundation! :) You are very clear as to the importance of the beams, that you have to be skilled to harness them correctly, and the main plot of the book - to unite three tribes, Celisae must create three dresses. Nice work. I'm going to be picky in this portion to push it even further.

A rule of thumb (in my opinion) for summaries is:

- introduce your main character (maybe one other character alongside of your MC)

- the main conflict of the story

- the stakes: what could happen if the MC doesn't accomplish their goal?

- the cliffhanger/hook to draw the reader into wanting to find out what happens

Let's see what's covered so far & what can also use improvement:

- Main character? Yep! Your main character is Celisae.

- Main Conflict? Yep! Celisae must create three dresses from sunlight, moonlight, and starlight to unite three tribes.

- The Stakes? The stakes are clear, but I can feel them having more of an impact. The impact of the importance of Celisae accomplishing these dresses, feels like it should pack a punch, and I want to help make that last sentence a wallop of a cliffhanger. In the first paragraph, you say that Celisae is the only one who can capture the light and spin it into thread. But, at the end you say she can't weave it together. So this implies to handle the "ethereal thread" - two people are extremely important. One to capture the light, and one to weave it together to create garments to harness the lights' power.

I think this point needs to be established in that first paragraph. Your second sentence says, "If you know how, you can catch it. If you don't you destroy it."— I think this is an opportunity to talk about how you need both people. So maybe something like, "Few know how to capture the beams without destroying them, and even fewer know how to mold them into woven creations of light." (That's just a sentence I came up with off the top of my head, don't feel like you have to use this!)

Make the reader understand there are 2 CRUCIAL parts to being able to create garments of woven beams of light. That makes the last sentence, "There's only one problem; Celisae is not a weaver." MUCH more impactful.

Cliffhanger? This goes alongside of the stakes. What I said above - establishing the fact that Celisae is not able to create the garments, needs to be all the more impactful. Give the end of a bit more oomph by telling the reader what could happen in Celisae does NOT succeed: Will she find someone who knows how, before the alliances run out of patience? Will the alliances be at war with one another? Will someone be killed? Will Celisae be killed?

Tac that on to your final lines, and the ending is golden. Example below:

"There's only one problem; Celisae is not a waver. And the tribes' patience grows thin."

**Final Random Note:

Including the fact that this is a first draft is fine, but put this at the end, not at the beginning. I would remove the fact that "the plot doesn't begin until chapter 10" — to be blunt, that immediately makes me not want to read this because I think nothing will happen for way too long in the book. In addition, after reading the first three chapters -- your plot definitely begins in chapter one. I'm not sure why you feel that the plot takes ten chapters to get into.

Hook + Plot Uniqueness: 7/10

Hook from Chapter 1: 

Again, I'm going to picky because you have a GREAT foundation. I just wanna push you to go a bit further and clarify some things! :) These are the four main things that stuck out to me. I hope this isn't overwhelming - please message me if you need any further clarification!

1) Firstly, I read one of your comments about having a grand reveal of your MC (main character) and I think in this context it does work. I enjoyed starting within the tribes, and then having Celisae be introduced when the tribes come to that political alliance in chapter two. I think however, the introduction of the tribes was rushed and was difficult to keep straight. In your first chapter, you want to be sure to establish your world, and as few characters as possible.

How to Improve:

I think this needs to be slowed down, simplified, and more description and building of each tribe as they are introduced, would be helpful to keep track of who is who.

Aapo & Fairuza - leaders of the ?? (Praises and forest dwellers)

Nal m'se - leader of the Nuotomins (mountain dwellers)

Fa - leader of the Eredst (location??)

This took me a while to skim through chapter one to find all of info, because it was spaced out so much. Also there were some gaps - what is the name of Aapo & Fairuza's tribe? Who is the Shaso tribe that Nal m'se talks about? Where do the Eredst people come from? I'd encourage you to dive into each tribe, as each leader arrives. I think this would help the readers remember who is who. Also, add some descriptors of what these people look like! What distinctive features do they have to look different from one another? How are these tribes unique from one another?

2) There were way too many names. The Fantasy genre makes this difficult when names are unique and not something readers hear everyday. So that fine line of introducing characters has to be walked carefully. Each tribe leader, names of the tribes, then random members of the tribes were named when they did a small action or response. It was a lot, and to be honest, I had to re-read a lot to remind myself who was who.

How to Improve:

Only name people of importance. For example, instead of naming the woman that retrieves Celisae, you could instead just say "one of the matriarchs" - this helps tell the reader the names we need to remember because those characters are crucial to the plot of this story.

3) I think Chapters One & Two could be combined into one. (This is my personal opinion - please do what you think is best for your book!) When I was reading chapters one and two, I felt like it was such a cool and powerful Prologue or beginning to your story. When Chapter three began, and it was in Celisae's POV, that's what solidified this thought for me. I think having this huge world building first chapter is an INCREDIBLE start - but I think having it chopped up into two chapters prolongs the story's beginning of Celisae's journey.

I'd encourage you to combine those first two chapters, slow it way down, add descriptions of the environment and characters, & use it to establish each tribe, their leaders, descriptions of who they are, and the assignment given to Celisae by them. Let that be the catalyst into Celisae's story.

4) The importance of the dresses & who is wearing them. These dresses hold the weight of this political/military alliance between these tribes. And if feels like random members of each tribe get to wear them. Why not the leaders of the tribe? Or someone of great importance in the tribe? It felt like random characters being chosen, which took away from what is supposed to be the grave importance of these dresses. I think the character wearing the dress greatly impacts the importance of the dress.

Plot Uniqueness: 

This story is incredibly unique and such a cool idea! :) I think you do a great job in creating a very unique world with unique laws (like how these tribes have a trade alliance and how they meet to discuss trade). This story doesn't lack in creativity or unique ideas - I think all of that skill you have could be brought out even more by clear world building, as I wrote above in the "Hook of Chapter One" portion. That is how you'll make this idea shine!

**I am going to point out a plot hole I found:

In Chapter Two, Nal m'se calls Celisae a weaver, several times. In your summary, you say that Celisae clearly does not know how to weave - that's one of your biggest plot points! Check out chapter two in Nal m'se paragraph when she's speaking to the other tribe leaders:

"...This girl has learned how to find these stray beams of light, capture them, and turn them into thread...I propose that this young weaver make three dresses..."

"This is the weaver who can spin dresses of light?" Aapo verified.

Character Dialogue: 4/5

- I enjoy the dialogue between the tribe leaders, you do a great job in making their dynamic easy to follow and how each of their personalities differ from one another.

- Celisae's introduction was great in seeing her personality right off the bat - quiet, demure, and shy. (At least that's how I interpreted it!)

- As I previously mentioned, the more time spent in chapter one establishing who these tribes are, the more their personalities and dialogue will be reinforced.

Writing Style: 8.5/10

Overall, your writing was very done and grammatically clean! I found small things here and there, but most things were just comma misplacements and simple fixes! :) (Examples below) Nice work!

Double check periods vs commas:

"Alright, I am in favor of this alliance," Aapo announced. —edited— "Alright. I am in favor of this alliance," Aapo announced.

Elipses are no longer than three periods, followed by the capitalization of the next word:

"So.... what should we do about this?" Aapo asked. —edited— "So... What should we do about this?" Aapo asked.

Add-in statements in sentences are framed by two commas:

Nal m'se, followed by the six matriarchs was the first to approach the stones. —edited— Nal m'se, followed by the six matriarchs, was the first to approach the stones.

OVERALL SCORE: 23.5/30

Thank you for letting me read your book! :) I truly hope this critique is not too overwhelming and is helpful. Best of luck to you!