Title: When Inyanga Gets Into Magicians College

Author: MiaManns

Reviewer: SilasNevrin

Cover: 3/5

I don't have a problem with your cover. That doesn't mean that I like it though. You've got your title so props for that.

Your username is really what should be on the cover instead of your actual nickname because it's how people can find you. I know 'constellations' is also a book series that you're writing, so it's hard to differ between if you're trying to label the book as being part of the series of if you're trying to put your name on there.

Either way, put your username on your book. Don't like your username? Change it, or make a new account.

Now—know how I said I gave you props for putting your title on the cover? That doesn't mean you should make the title the size of the bloody cover! Yeah I get it, you've got a big title (which I will address later on) and need to make it bigger so it's seen properly but it just looks like a bunch of text shoved onto a picture. Now that's a long title. Like a seriously long title. If you're adamant about keeping the title the way it is then I'll give you some pointers for how to lay it out on your cover.

'When Inyanga gets into magicians college'

Which words there do you think are less important? (Lol I feel like my English teacher way back when). 'Get and into' are less important. Here's why:

When—is important because it's setting a time space for the reader.

Inyanga—obviously important because she's the main character.

Magicians college—the location, the setting of the entire novel.

So your cover should showcase these important parts of your title because right now you've shrunk Inyangas name right down and straight under it is GETS INTO which is kind of an eye sore.

Also this way you save space, so shrink GETS INTO and increase the size of Inyangas name—you will see an improvement I promise.

By the way—why is the picture of a galaxy? I know there's a lot of talk about drawing magic from the stars and imagery of that but it's not clear to the people who just happen to come across your book. I'd expect to see someone doing magic, a powder trick or something or have a girl staring up at the stars showing Inyanga off to your readers.

You don't want to make the cover too complicated. It'll distract your readers and make it hard for them to focus on points you want them to focus on. The background of the cover should be simple not a supernova. I like the idea, but if you're going to write about magicians—most people at first glance won't think about magicians when they see the stars.

That's your job to show them.

Because you've got such a complex storyline it's harder to get a cover that will fit your story. You might want to refer to a graphics specialist, maybe someone over at Emeralds graphic store to help—try and get someone to have Inyanga herself pulling magic from the stars.

Now that would be cool.

Title: 3/5

'When Inyanga Gets Into Magicians College'

Now that's a long title. Like a seriously long title. I mean, does it serve its purpose? Sure.

But it's not exciting or frankly very unique. I mean you're just telling us what the bloody book is about! That's what the summary is for!

Okay, take Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone for instance.

It's obviously highlighting our main guy Harry there which you've done by pointing out Inyanga to the readers. But Rowling over here has pointed out the specific focus of the book which (isn't that Harry gets into Hogwarts) is that he's got some connections to the philosophers stone.

And then in the SUMMARY you can tell everyone all about her getting into magicians college. Just make it a little more exciting, I don't know, this is your book, your baby—you don't have to stick with the traditional John/ James names.

You could've named it: Inyanga and the magic in the stars, or a witch and the stars—something that highlights your main character and the focal point of the book which is the magic being pulled from the stars.

Have a brainstorm, take a minute and just really think. Mind maps help.

Summary: 2/5

Your summary could use some work. 

It's spineless, I mean sure you've established that Inyanga wants to find out if magic can indeed run out or not and why the magicians college is exclusive but you haven't told me what's at stake.

Is she risking the respect of her family, risking her life, risking losing her place at the college—spill the tea.

"Inyanga doesn't think her mother, Kyuma, understands how magic works."

You don't need to say the mother's name, it just bulks up your summary unnecessarily. Your summary should really only be 150 words at max so every word counts. Also, this sentence kind of doesn't make sense in a way.

Not in terms of grammar but in relation to your story. If she's got all these questions about if magic can run out and how it works then why isn't she talking about everybody and not just her mother.

It would sound better to say "Inyanga is different. Unlike everyone else, she's curious about the magic she's been gifted with" or something along those lines.

It establishes that Inyanga feels isolated in her curiosity and that she feels like she's the only one who wants to find out about the magic.

I wouldn't use the exact questions she says in the novel because it's just downright repetitive and jus let doesn't fit. Tell us something about the college (also...magicians college? Seriously? Why not call it some fantastical name or something? It's a magic college for gods sake) like it's shady or Inyanga thinks there's something deeper to this than everything thinks etc.

Descriptions/Imagery: 4/5

What you have lacked in the summary department you do make up for in descriptions.

I like reading through them. That being said (because I am a misery guys) I found myself skipping or wanting to skip through after a while. They tend to drag on a little and especially because you've implemented a whole new glossary to the story so the reader, as well as having to read through the actual description, they also have to check what your 'new' words mean. 

I like them, but maybe keep the new glossary in short supply of mention in each paragraph instead of using up to four or five new words like in some of the paragraphs I read.

Other than that—I'm not in complete disarray about it.

Dialogue: 4/5

I have no real qualms about your dialogue, it's realistic and even sometimes funny (which is a compliment from me). You've used the correct grammar and kept within the guidelines of English 101.

You could use a word other than 'said' so many times because it just gets real repetitive after a while. You could use: murmured, whispered, hollered, mumbled etc.

The world is your oyster.

Plot: 4/5

I like the idea.

It does sort of remind me of Wizz from the musical Wicked where they're using magic for bad purposes but it differs from this because your MC is finding out if magic can indeed run out which is something I haven't heard of before.

Is it something that grasps me inexplicably? No. Because you haven't amped it up, you haven't sold it to me as a reader in your summary.

Work on that and then we'll see.

Characterisation: 4/5

Inyanga she's nice and funny, she has wit and isn't afraid to go after what she wants which I like. She's assertive, a little on the rebellious side but then again I like that. 

Storm, I like Storm. She's smart and helps Inyanga when she's not sure of something. She knows her stuff about the rules and magic at the college but isn't afraid to get involved with Inyanga.

I can't say much more, other than keep doing what you're doing, because I like it.

Character Relationships: 3/5

I like the thought you've put behind these relationships. Granted, girls that age usually don't spend all day talking about if magic will run out but that's the gist of the story.

Everything can be tailored because it's your world that you've created.

I would like to see Inyanga get stressed out and angry at some point just to see how she would deal with that, as well as dealing with other people when she's angry.

Other than that, good job.

OVERALL SCORE: 27/40

Not bad at all. Like I said just really hone in on your cover and your summary because your writing is close to golden. I could actually see that in a hardback one day.

Keep it up.