Title: Obsession

Author: elladonkoh

Reviewer: miaamigo

Number of chapters read: Five.

Disclaimer: 

These are just my opinions. You do not have to like them. I do not mean to discourage you. But I don't really sugarcoat things.

Characters: 

Your characters are okay. I'm not impressed with them. I personally think every charecter should have at least one special and unique trait and I didn't find any in all your characters. They weren't anything special. They were basically an outline of every other romance book I have ever seen that is set in high school and I hate to say it, but they were plain boring. There was no aspect about them that made me go wow or excited me.

You actually portrayed all the usual characters -- that is nerd, tough guy, vsco girl.

Grammar/sentence formation/word choice: 

This section was poorly done. I highly recommend getting an editor to edit your book. I suggest editing your own book after writing it. Editing is a very important part of writing a book and I always recommend doing it right after you write a chapter. Your grammar was okay but your word choice and sentence formation could use some work.

Here are some examples I caught hold of:

- Gushed what? You stopped the sentence at gushed and it made no sense.

- '(I was puzzled...anything)'

Why are texts in brackets at all? Almost everything you have put in brackets can be removed. Refrain from using brackets as much as possible in books.

- 'I saw something that made grin'

Made grin? What is that supposed to mean? How can one make grin?

Correct sentence: 'I saw something that made me grin'.

Please don't omit necessary words.

- 'His eyes. They are mesmerizing. I kept staring at them.'

Refrain from creating small sentences. This entire thing could have been made into one sentence like this : His eyes, mesmerizing, kept me staring. Or it could go like this - His eyes were mesmerizing and kept me staring.

- 'Filled with facts!!!!!'

Why are there so many exclamation points? One exclamation will do the job.

- Suggestion: Use 'not human' not 'inhuman' in this specific context. Although inhuman would also be considered correct, 'not human' would fit better. This is mainly because people usually link the word 'inhuman' with cruelty.

- 'I start flipping through to see what he has done'

Where is the full stop after this sentence? It is not only this sentence but quite a few where I noticed that the full stops were missing.

- 'I closed my eyes awaiting my soon.'

This sentence seems to be incomplete or just doesn't make sense.

- 'Just the an arm....floor' (I didn't write the entire sentence)

What does 'just the an arm' mean? There are just so many silly mistakes in this sphere that could have been avoided.

- ' But i took off...get up'

'I' is always capital. This was a mistake made multiple times.

- 'He gave this cute chuckle. I smile.'

Smile is actually incorrect here. Your entire story is written is the tense of past participle. And the past participle of smile is smiled. Please brush through your tenses once again because I noticed that this is a recurring mistake.

- ' "Our introduction wasn't really the best one, wanna start over?" He said. '

Here, said would be incorrect when it is clearly seen that the character is in fact asking. Correct would be : ...over?" he asked.

Also, pay special attention to the fact that the 'h' of 'he' is small and this is the case for all similar sentences.

- 'I took me just a second to hold myself.'

Here, I took me makes no sense.

- "Not like that, tell me something about them" he asked. 

"I wanna know you well."

Here, I think 'said' would have done better than 'asked'. And put the dialogue of the same character in the same line to avoid confusion. Also, 'wanna' is a slang word and not actually a word per say.

Correction: "Not like that. Tell me something about them," he said. "I want to know you well."

- 'Ready??'

One one question mark will do.

- 'Woah, did that just come out of you, no way" I day shocked.

Day? Again, please edit once before you publish.

- "That just thrust me back to the weird dream I had this morning"

I am not sure if 'thrust' is the word to be used here.

- 'My Mom we entered my eyes locked with familiar brown ones'

What is this supposed to mean?

- 'The lesson dragged on for hours and was soo boring.''

'So' with one 'o' will do.

Plot: 

I didn't feel like the plot was original. I have read many books with pretty much the same plot but considering there are only five chapters so far, I won't be judgemental about it. But I think you could spice it up a little with a never seen before twist. The pace of the story, for me, went way too fast. On the second day of knowing Matthias and Em is already saying - this is not like you. They have literally known each other for one day. I honestly got exhausted of reading it by the time I came to chapter three itself. The beginning had no kick. There was no attention seeking punch to it.

Enjoyment: 

This one depends. I enjoyed it somewhat. Would I recommend it to others? Probably not.

Other aspects: 

1. Refrain from overusing contractions. A certain amount of contractions is good but I feel like you over did it.

2. It would be good if you could leave space between dialogue of different characters. Paragraphs seem way too long otherwise.

3. There is no need to bold certain letters and ruin the flow. Give your readers some credit. They will understand even without bolded words.

4. There are so many unnecessary commas.

5. Try not to put pictures in between text. Put them at the very end or beginning.

6. I think you need to learn to be more formal in your writing. When I say formal, I don't necessarily mean Sherlock Holmes formal. I mean learn to write like it will be printed. Which means no !!!! or ?? or ?! or anything minor like that. I would say write more professional. To help this, you can ask yourself the question - would this be in a printed book I read?

7. Now, the most important thing I noticed throughout your story. Punctuation errors. I'll be telling you about a specific error made.

You have not put commas before you close quotation marks.

What you write: "Jeff sucks" he said.

Correct version: "Jeff sucks," he said.

Do you notice the minor comma difference? Sometimes even full stops are used and I'll just quickly explain what to use when. It might get a little confusing so read a few times.

Dialogue tags are basically - he said, she said, etc.

Actions are - he removed his shoes, she tucked her hair behind her ears, etc.

'She said with a smile' would still come under dialogue tag because it contains 'she said' but if it was 'she smiled', it would be considered as an action.

So when to use a comma:

A) When there is a dialogue tag

Example: "Go away," she said.

B) When there is action is between a sentence

Example: "However," she added, shifting in her seat, "it is not forgiven."

Pay attention here that the dialogue continues with a lower case letter.

When to use a full stop/period:

A) When the dialogue is followed by an action and not a dialogue tag.

Example: "True." He took a deep breath and sat down.

B) When an action is included between two sentences

Example: "True." She glanced at me. "I don't like you."

Pay keen attention to the fact that this is different from point B of using a comma.

When you can use neither a period or comma:

A) When a sentence if being interrupted by an action. This can be done in place of the comma as well and is easier to comprehend.

You can use a double hyphen in these cases. Double hyphens form an en-dash.

Example: "And--"she pointed at the board--"I will be working on the project as well."

I hope you understand this concept as it is very important for all writers.

8. There has been some arguments over this. Using capital letters to emphasize a sentence is often used but not always liked. Some people think it is a good choice while others don't. I personally think it is okay. Most of the times, it hurts the eyes so try to refrain from doing all caps and using exclamation marks instead. You can also use an action to emphasise it.

For example to show the person is angry you can write: "I hate you!" he said kicking the cupboard continually before smashing his hand into the mirror.

Here, the action shows that he is angry. It is not necessary to write - "I HATE YOU." he said.

OVERALL ADVICE:

 Let yourself get more creative and think out of the box. I think you can come up with much better ideas and concepts. Apply for editing in a community maybe to help you edit. Work on your punctuation. Read through punctuation rules online and take your time to go through articles to help improve grammar, word choice and sentence formation aspects of your work. There are many articles on the net that help a lot with these matters. Brush through your tenses once again. I think you are very talented and can do so much better and improve a lot if you train yourself to do better.

I hope this review helped you. If not, I'm very sorry. I tried my best.