Title: A Twisted Deception

Author: SydPanda5

Reviewer: Addison-AJ

Summary: 4.1/5

Starting off, you had a fantastic summary! It had everything the reader needed to know and was very intriguing. There was the plot, the characters, the conflict, and a marvelous quote at the beginning. Now the summary was well written, but there were a few things with room for improvement. One of these is the pace of your description, which I'll be talking about first.

The pace was amazing at the beginning, with Raven's regular life as a thief. Then, you moved on to the agent's offer with the other criminals. This was where it began to feel slightly more rushed, in my opinion. The question and information in the second paragraph could have been smoother. You went from an independent thief to a criminal team offer in just a few sentences. I would suggest that you even it out more.

To do this, I encourage you to describe the plot in more detail. Give barely enough information in between the lines. There was definitely some detail, but I think there's room for more. When you talk about the MI6 agent, try to add more about his personality and how he found her. Usually, summaries have enough information to pull the reader in and create interesting questions. But there's not so much that it answers all of them.

There was one major question at the end, but perhaps you could use more throughout? Talk about how she begins to fall for one of the members on the team. What brought them together in the first place? Was it the typical 'love at first sight?' Try to give the reader an idea of what to expect with these questions, and make sure to add enough to actually make them. How was an MI6 agent able to track her if she was the most-wanted thief? How many other people had tried to track her down?

To emphasize this, I'd like to talk about the other x-criminals. Maybe you could use some more information about their life, in contrast to Raven's. How did they become partners with each other in crime? Overall, I encourage you to work on the pace a little bit and take a look at the placement of the wording in paragraph one. But otherwise, I think you've got a pretty great summary! It's intriguing, and I can't wait to start reading the book.

Character Building: 4.4/5

      Okay, so you have some amazing characters! Raven was amazing as the protagonist and the reader's first impression was written perfectly. Her relationship with Tilt (loved the name), was beautiful at the start. His death was unexpectable and Drake's personality was clear to the reader. The introduction to Matias was also fantastic. Wonderful job there!

There were a few parts that I felt could have been edited some, however. First of all, I'd like to talk about the DNA test in the hospital. At the time that happened, Matias was beginning to grow on Raven. He knew that Tilt and Raven loved each other, so I would just suggest making that clear to him. It would have made more sense if he hesitated more to tell her since her outcome would have been unpredictable.

To explain this more, I'll be talking about his expression when Tilt was about to propose to Raven. Did Matias seem jealous at all, or was it covered up so she didn't see it? Since Tilt ends up being his brother, did that bother him and his relationship with Raven? I would suggest that you include more information about how much Matias cared about her in this particular scene.

The only other part that I wanted to mention was the descriptions of the characters in chapter three. I thought you introduced these very well. There were facial features, personalities, and other detailed descriptions. Now, this was definitely one of those parts that could have been even with the pace of your story. There was quite a bit of information for the reader, and that made it slow down the pace. To fix this, I'd like to give a few examples.

One part that could have had a smoother transition was the first paragraph to the second one. You talked about how she notices the seven other people in the van. Then, it goes on to their personalities and characteristics. I recommend giving more detail before going into the details. Perhaps you could talk about what Raven thinks of them at first glance, but it's up to you. Even an overall idea would improve the flow of the chapter.

Another example would be how you move from the descriptions to the security guards. While these are definitely detailed, I think it could have been easier to follow. You described it with the words 'the one' and then what direction they were from Raven. Maybe you could have used more detail to even out the pace? But other than that, I thought the characterization was nice. I would just suggest that you work on the descriptions of the characters and Raven's time at the hospital.

Grammar: 4.2/5

Barely any grammar errors! Wonderful job with that. It didn't disrupt the flow of your story too much, although there were a few mistakes here and there. Let's take a look at them. But no worries! It was only a few punctuation errors and capitalization after ellipses. I'll start with the first one.

Okay, so this was a mistake I found mostly in the second half of your book. Probably after chapter seven. Just remember that there should always be punctuation after each sentence. Sometimes, I found that you placed it in the incorrect spots. Here's an example from chapter seven:

Before Editing: What part of we-just-met. do you not understand pipsqueak?

In this example, there shouldn't be a period after 'we-just-met.' Instead, it should all be one question together.

After Editing: What part of we-just-met do you not understand pipsqueak?

Here are a few more examples that should be corrected:

Before Editing: A pair of men wheel out a large projection screen from the halfway to the left of us, and place it behind Matias

After Editing: A pair of men wheel out a large projection screen from the halfway to the left of us, and place it behind Matias.

________

Before Editing: Finley then points in the direction of my hospital room's door

After Editing: Finley then points in the direction of my hospital room's door.

Just make sure to go through and revise these minor errors. I'll now be talking about the capitalization after ellipses (...). The first word after ellipses is usually capitalized when it begins a new sentence. This applies to most of the times they were used in your book. For example:

No... they disappeared when I was very young, so did my brother.

Since this begins a new grammatical sentence, the word 'they' should be capitalized. The same thing happened in this sentence:

Drake and his gang are here... they're coming for you!

Just make sure to go through your writing and capitalize the words after ellipses. At least the ones where a new sentence begins. Regardless of that though, your story was great to read through because of the minor errors. Nice work with that!

Writing Style: 4.5/5

Your writing style was amazing, especially from Raven's point of view. I loved how her thoughts and opinions flowed so well with the story. Even the descriptions were beautiful. You definitely know how to keep the reader engaged with your writing, and that's spectacular. The only thing, as I mentioned before, is the pace.

I'll be giving you an example that can be fixed with your writing style. In chapter one, perhaps you could make Raven meeting Drake easier to follow. It seemed more rushed, and I have a few suggestions for this. I encourage you to give the reader more time to think about who it could be. Give them hints of information about who Raven encounters. How surprised was she of Drake finding her so quickly on the inside?

When you're writing stories, I would recommend slowing down the pace at action scenes. Add more detail so that it becomes equal with the rest of the book. When the pace feels too slow, that's usually because of all the information. This happened with the introductions of the characters in chapter three, as I mentioned before. Try to shorten the detail if possible. If not, then you can split the detail into parts.

But the pace is minor and only happened very few times. I thought your writing style has been marvelous so far. The excellent descriptions have made it very enjoyable, and you're very talented with them as well!

Plot + Originality: 5/5

Your plot is very unique, and I love the mystery included with Tilt's brother. It was unpredictable until Matias got the ring tested. I'm interested to see what happens with Finley and Matias against Raven. As I said before, Matias's attitude at the hospital was slightly confusing though (I put that in the characters category). Just make sure that his personality is consistent throughout.

For the uniqueness part, I think you did it perfectly. You took two different stories and tied them together with the x-criminals and the offer. After that, there were twists and turns in every chapter. You also give the perfect amount of hints to the reader. They have an idea of what's going to happen but don't know for sure. You have a great plot, and it's creative too. Fantastic job!

OVERALL SCORE: 22.5/25

      Overall, you've created an awesome story and I can't wait to see where it goes. Just try to work on the pace and descriptions of the characters. Then, it'll be even better. But your plot is original, and I loved reading through it. I hope this review helps you in some way!