Title: The Tangled Princess

Author: nonameleftxx

Summary: 3/5

There are some great things happening in your summary! You introduce the pivotal characters, and the introduction of the world is cohesive, fluent and not at all overwhelming. Great job with that! The end of your summary is also quite impactful – I like the way you combined the two characters in that final sentence, as it follows a similar convergence structure in your story itself.

However, I found your summary a bit vague. I feel like I'm missing an overall conflict – and I'm definitely missing the stakes. You definitely have space to elaborate on some points – for example, who is this potential 'enemy'? What is the 'turmoil'? What is at stake? Make me feel invested – make me read on for the sole purpose of making sure the protagonist doesn't find themselves facing these stakes!

Also, a quick grammatical thing:

"... the crown princess of witch kingdom."

Since 'witch kingdom' is being used as a proper noun (name of a kingdom), it should be capitalised like this:

"... the crown princess of Witch Kingdom." 

Grammar: 3/5

Okay, so, overall, your grammar was pretty good! You obviously have a solid understanding of English grammar, and you've mastered the punctuation rules within dialogue – and that is something a lot of writers struggle with. Well done! However, there are definitely a few recurring mistakes throughout your story, so let's break them down:

Okay, first of all, commas. There were quite a lot of instances where you were missing commas, which ultimately led to run-on sentences as well as sentences being misinterpreted. For example, here's a clear example:

"Our goddess deemed me worthy enough to have power over four elements – water, fire, earth, and air for which I will always be eternally grateful."

In that above instance, the lack of a comma after the word 'air' makes it seem like she is only grateful for the air part. I suspect, however, that she is grateful for all of it. Therefore, you need the comma after the word 'air'.

Next: semicolons. A semicolon is used to separate two clauses that can work perfectly as sentences on their own, but are strongly intertwined. I've been told that a semicolon is even a good replacement for the word 'because' or 'so' in some instances. Now, here you have written:

"You think I'm trying to scare you?" he asked; his voice deeper than usual.

'His voice deeper than usual' is not a complete sentence. Therefore, this is an incorrect use of a semicolon.

Also, as I mentioned in the summary part, beware of nouns being used as proper nouns – especially when you're not sure when to capitalise them. Another incorrect example I found was:

"Ignore him, dad, he must be hungry."

In that example, 'dad' is being used as a proper noun. It is not 'the dad' or 'my dad' – it's just dad. Therefore, it should be:

"Ignore him, Dad. He must be hungry."

There are also some instances throughout your story where you capitalise words even though it's not necessarily a proper noun, nor is it the start of a sentence. Watch out for those.

Character Building: 4/5

I think Evanora is a fantastic main character – she's clever, smart, a little cheeky, and her narration is always engaging and always easy to connect with. Well done! I like that, despite her amazing abilities, she's not just perfectly perfect. I like seeing the training scenes – those were executed exceptionally well, as it showed the way she has to process the magic. It's not just a flick of the wrist and bam, magic. I'm glad there's complexity behind it all.

Conrad is quite fascinating, too. I was very worried when Cassie first described him – after all, she pictured him as a rather classic example of an Alpha Werewolf with the stoic, cold heart. When we did meet Conrad, however, it was interesting to see that the stoic side was there, but there was also the potential and warmth for him to develop into something more.

The dynamic between Conrad and Eva worked very well. I love the banter, and right from the first chapter where Eva noted that they looked at food the same way, which ultimately let to the 'food soul mate' moment, they seemed like a great match. It does, however, move quite fast. In Chapter 7 already, there are moments of intimate forehead kissing. Perhaps slow down the pace a bit on those terms? Otherwise it makes their relationship seem somewhat superficial.

Writing Style: 3.5/5

Okay, I have to say, I'm in awe of your descriptive abilities. I loved the sensory imagery you provided when describing settings – from the smells of jasmine, to the spiralling chandeliers, and the sparkling jewel-like people.

You know what else I adored? The description of the magic! I like that you show it to us when her magic erupts, and I like that it's not rushed over. You take your time to describe it and stretch it out, and that made some moments throughout the story incredibly powerful – for example, when she more or less teleported and materialised into the room, you described all of it in such a magical way by including sensory imagery and memories and it was simply fantastic.

An issue I did have was that you often used redundant sentences. Redundancy is fine, if it impacts the mood and tension of the story, but in some cases, it really stuck out and sounded awkward. For example:

"Douchebag?" I questioned her, not being able to understand who she was talking about.

The second part of the sentence is redundant. We already know that she doesn't know who Cassie was referring to – otherwise, she wouldn't have asked. That, or you could characterise it more so it's not awkward and formal. So, perhaps:

"Douchebag?" I asked. Who was she even talking about?

That's very rough, but at least it's less awkward. Another thing I found was that you sometimes fell into the trap of telling, not showing. For example:

"I wanted to talk to you," I answered, suddenly feeling nervous at his proximity.

Don't tell us that she feels nervous – show it to us. Perhaps her heartrate increases? Perhaps her blood feels as if it has turned into metal? Perhaps her fingers turn all cold and balmy? Show it to us.

And, also, be wary of using words that are 'extra'. It can detach a reader, and sometimes, it can be too vague for the context. For example, using the word 'cajoled' instead of 'pleaded' just felt really awkward. Remember the style of writing you're in, and manipulate your vocabulary to suit this. 

Plot + Uniqueness: 4/5

I am an absolute sucker for prologues like yours where it ends with the 'this is my story' sort of line. I thought yours was executed extremely well, and it was a great way to engage the reader and drag me into the next few chapters.

Also, your world-building is great. It is smooth in terms of learning new things about witches, covens, royalty, and werewolves. Even rather complex world-building, such as elements about powers and werewolves having two powers or being part of both species, was handled with care and precision, and it was easy to understand. Great work!

There definitely were some cliché elements to the story, such as the classic soul mate and royalty undertones. However, it was spun in a world that didn't feel cliché at all. It's not every day you see werewolves and witches mix with elemental magic and cross-species. Really great work on that part! I did feel, however, that the beginning of your story lacked an overall tension. I wasn't reading to make sure the protagonists succeeded. Rather, I was reading for the banter and the character development. Valid things to read for, yes, but I think a bit more tension could be employed – what are the obstacles in Eva's way? Really stretch them out for us. 

OVERALL SCORE: 17.5/25

Overall, a promising story with lots of unique elements. Just be careful of run-on sentences, but otherwise, you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!

Also, this review marks the 125th review of The Sapphire Review Store! How exciting! To commemorate this, I've opened a cute little rant book titled '101 Writing Tips from an Exhausted Reviewer', with the help of the wonderful awesomeSTG.

Thank you to everyone who has requested from the store, and here's to many more reviews to come! Before we know it, we'll be at 200 – and it's all thanks to our dedicated reviewers and our brave requesters. Thank you to everyone!