Title: The Saga: Sucker for Pain

Author: lee-louw

Summary: 3/5

I'm definitely intrigued by this summary – it leaves so many unanswered questions that I'm just itching to hurry up and flip through the pages. You've started off this summary in a rather dramatic way, which I think works wonderfully, because it immediately draws my attention. Just a few notes:

You're missing commas. It actually made the summary quite confusing to read. For example, let's look at the following sentence:

"Amelia not being under her mother's wing was not something to be referred to as leaving the nest but rather escaping prison."

To make it less clunky, it should be:

"Amelia not being under her mother's wing was not something to be referred to as 'leaving the nest,' but, rather, 'escaping prison.'"

You also need to make sure that your final sentence ends with a question mark, since it is a question.

Next: your summary, while it leaves a lot of unanswered questions and intrigues the reader, might be a little too vague. I genuinely have little idea regarding what the main conflict is and what the stakes are. Maybe try drawing that out – is the main conflict that Amelia has gone missing? What does the whole car/house switch supposed to mean, and what is the relevance in the story? It's just a little unclear.

Once that's polished up, though, your summary will be great. 

Grammar: 2.5/5

Okay, so, I think you might need to go back and polish over quite a few things in terms of grammar and punctuation. Let's go through them now, shall we?

"Nightmares had given her space to breath..."

In that above sentence, you've used the noun, as opposed to the verb. It should be:

"Nightmares had given her space to breathe..."

Next, commas. I mentioned this above in the summary section, but you have quite a few run-on sentences here and there. I recommend that you go over your story, read it aloud, and read it according to the punctuation you have written. If you feel like a pause needs to be added for the sentence to make sense, add some form of punctuation. For example:

"Grief changes face that's all."

I definitely think there are two clauses in that sentence, so it should be:

"Grief changes face. That's all."

Another example:

"She gave up trying to find what guys, even girls saw when looking at her..."

Again, that sentence doesn't quite make sense. It should be:

"She gave up trying to find what guys – or even girls – saw when looking at her..."

Next, let's talk about tenses. For the most part, I think you're in past tense, but you occasionally switch to present tense for no particular reason within a single paragraph. For example, you wrote:

"She's never seen him yell before." [she's = she has = present tense]

Followed by:

"She yelled right back at him." [yelled = past tense]

You need to choose one tense and stick to it. In that example above, it should be, "she had never seen him yell before."

Now, let's talk dialogue. When you have more than one character speaking, you need to separate their dialogue so that each character has their own paragraph for their dialogue. For example, you wrote:

"Ha, Dimple! So?" He mimicked her and her actions. She burst out laughing at his silliness. "Where is the camera?" she questioned.

That should be split into:

"Ha, Dimple! So?" He mimicked her and her actions.

She burst out laughing at his silliness. "Where is the camera?" she questioned.

And since we're onto dialogue, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I received a phone call." He told her.

That is incorrect. It should be:

"I received a phone call," he told her.

Character Building: 3.5/5

I really liked the banter happening between Amelia and Wesley. But, first, let's talk about Amelia as a character.

She's brought up to be a complex character with a dark backstory that we are yet to fully uncover – I think that's great! I'm excited to learn more about her brutal past, and that leaves a lot of space for character development. From what I can currently see, she is very caring and practical – I loved the way she stepped in and got straight to action when Wesley mentioned his sister's crash. I loved seeing her immediately ask which hospital it was in, and practically drag them both there. That's great characterisation!

I also laughed very much at the, "It was decided: she was going to brood all day." I honestly found her very relatable. And the moment where she threw the jewellery in the fire was badass, and I liked that she was conflicted when Wesley killed someone – I like that she didn't just accept it.

Now, don't be afraid to flesh her out that little bit more. Let us know and feel what she is thinking. For example, rather than telling us:

"Amelia hated pity."

Try making us feel that hate. Why does she hate pity? How does she feel when she receives pity? We need to understand that to be able to understand her as a character. Don't just make something like that a throwaway line.

Next, Wesley. He feels a little... moody, to me? One minute he's yelling, then he's laughing and teasing, and even when he's slapped, I just struggled to find consistency within his character. He is already contemplated feelings for Amelia by chapter three, which, to me, was quite disconcerting considering they met each other not long ago. Remember to keep your characters realistic and complex. 

Writing Style: 3/5

I was totally in love with your use of rhetorical question in the earlier chapters, as well as the philosophical undertones you wove into the writing – the purpose of nightmares, the way the past can never truly be forgotten. Moments like those added sophistication to your writing, so well done!

I also thought the nightmares were easily the best part of your chapters. They were vivid, bloody, graphic – and though they were quite grotesque, they were very raw. I really enjoyed reading those and seeing all the vivid descriptions, as well as the manipulation of sentence structure. I wish you carried that through to the rest of your writing, too! I felt like the more mundane scenes just didn't quite match up.

The action you wrote was fast-paced, but I do think you could have fleshed it out that little bit more. Show us the sounds and smells, make us genuinely feel the fear that Amelia would have felt. Bring all that nightmare material into your action – it'll make it so much more engaging and thrilling to read. 

Plot + Uniqueness: 3/5

That prologue of yours was incredibly captivating – props to you for that! It led up to a final, philosophical moment about trust, which was great, and I could see that element recurring throughout the future chapters as Amelia tried to learn how to trust (she's not there yet – but we're only nine chapters in, after all!).

Since there isn't much posted, it's hard to judge an overall plot. Quick question, though: is chapter one missing? I could not find it at all. You had prologue, then straight to chapter two. Also, I think that, because chapter one is missing, that left a few gaps in the narrative for me – big gaps. Like, how on earth did Amelia even wind up in Wesley's house? I'm a little confused. I think it's because I'm missing the first chapter, though.

That aside, I think you have a promising character to build, and try to slow down the pace a bit so that the friendship that will eventually develop comes smoothly and naturally.

OVERALL SCORE: 15/25

Overall, an intriguing start with some sweet moments of characterisation. Please just remember to work on tense and punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!