Title: Ruin Me

Author: Dangerously_Cold

Summary: 3/5

Okay, so, there are some good things happening here! I love the use of rhetorical question at the end, and the entire summary is fluent and engaging to follow. It introduces the protagonist, the conflict, the creepy notes, and the stakes as well – well done!

You do have space to stretch your summary out a bit longer and hook the readers more by exploring this serial killer. Perhaps you could mention the previous murders, or perhaps you can mention how she found that first creepy note/message.

My biggest issue with your summary, though, was the tense. It kept flicking back and forth from past tense to present tense, and often, you did this within a single sentence. You need to ensure you're sticking to one tense. I recommend present tense, so the reader feels as if they are about to read something that is yet to happen. Let's look at some examples of incorrect tense:

"When Blake Cruz finally comes back to the town she calls 'home', she immediately notices that something was amiss."

In that sentence along, you switch tenses. Let's break it down:

"When Blake Cruz finally comes back..." [comes = present tense]

"... something was amiss." [was = past tense]

I would go back and polish your entire summary to ensure that you are sticking to one tense. 

Grammar: 2/5

While your story was quite easy to read and follow, I definitely think that you should go back and polish your grammar and punctuation. I've broken down all the issues I have found in this review.

First of all, all proper nouns need to be capitalised. This includes names, and even if sacred names are being sworn in vain, they need to be capitalised (for example, God). Also, speaking of inappropriate capitalisation, I found errors when it came to capitalising words such as 'Mum' and 'Dad'. It's a tricky rule to follow – you're only supposed to capitalise 'Mum' or 'Dad' if they are being used as the name of the person. When you use mum/dad in general meaning and as a common noun, you do not capitalise it. For example, you wrote:

"No wonder dad was in an affair with this woman."

This is inaccurate. In this instance, 'Dad' is used as a proper noun – it is used instead of a name. It should be:

"No wonder Dad was in an affair with this woman."

Another way to make this accurate is by changing the 'dad' to make it a common noun. So, another accurate example is:

"No wonder my dad was in an affair with this woman."

There were also a few minor errors throughout the story. Here are a few that I found:

"Everything became quite all of a sudden..."

I think you meant 'quiet' instead of 'quite'. Another one:

"She took a huge breathe while nodding."

It should be 'breath', not 'breathe' (breathe is the verb).

Onto bigger issues, the dialogue and the dialogue tags were not used appropriately. Whenever you have a dialogue tag to support the dialogue, it should be in the same paragraph as the dialogue itself. For example, you wrote:

Without looking at me, my dad said.

"Honey, I am sorry about what happened. But can we try and start over?"

Not only is that grammatically inaccurate, but it also makes it more difficult to pinpoint exactly who is saying what. For clarity's sake, as well as the sake of grammar rules, it should be:

Without looking at me, my dad said, "Honey, I am sorry about what happened. But can we try and start over?"

Again, as mentioned above, tenses need work. You keep changing back and forth between past and present. For example:

"I drag my bags to the room..." [drag = present tense]

"I opened the door..." [opened = past tense]

You need to choose one and stick to it. 

Character Building: 3/5

Okay, so there are some things that I absolutely adored about your characters. In particular, I think the banter and friendship between Kate and Blake. It's comedic and contrasts the rather serious, dark undertones of your story.

There are definitely some things that I think you could improve on. First of all, let's talk about first person: when you write in first person, we need to live and breathe the characters. So, in that very first chapter, when we meet who I assume is the serial killer (which, by the way, was a fantastic and chilling way to start the story), the chapter is in first person. That means that we, as readers, should feel and at least attempt to understand what this serial killer is feeling. When he shows his manipulative side by going from screaming to speaking in a sickly-sweet manner, we need to see these changes or at least the motive underpinning these changes in his internal monologue.

As the reader, we need to feel his anger – or at least feel glimpses of it. Show us some of the physiological reactions he might be feeling – maybe his blood feels hot? Maybe he gets a little bit of a tingle or a rush of excitement in his gut at the sight of blood?

Also, while I think Blake makes a good, grounding main character, I felt almost nothing from her. When she talked about her mother in rehab, it felt almost robotic. You really need to show the emotion in her internal monologue, so that the readers instantly feel an emotional connection with her.

You did this quite well a few times. For example, when you used rhetorical question when she couldn't believe that her dad only had to say 'sorry' – that was a brilliant moment of characterisation. I could feel her disbelief and exasperation. Keep that up! But, in other moments, you could improve this. For example, when her finger is pricked by the thorn on the rose, you could have inserted a single sentence to show us the pain she may have felt rather than skipping straight to the note.

Also, while I absolutely adore Kate as a character, I did find that she often contradicted herself. She occasionally seems like the voice of reason, reminding Blake not to trust anyone, but then she also flicks to 'I am totally in!' when Blake tells her about her crazy scheme to catch the serial killer. That felt a bit odd to me, so maybe consider making her character a bit more consistent? Or you could add a third friend who could be the voice of reason while Kate remains as the somewhat comedic and fun best friend. 

Writing Style: 2.5/5

Okay, so apart from the use of first persona and overall tenses that I've been hammering on about in the review, there are a few more things that I think could help your writing style become more engaging.

I'll start by saying that I quite enjoyed your simplicity and your playfulness in the internal monologue, as well as the dialogue and banter throughout the story. However, if we look at this story from a professional point of view, there are things that are quite unprofessional. First of all, your use of ellipses. When you use ellipses, try not to overuse them – otherwise, it starts to lose its effect. Also, when you do use ellipses, make sure you're using three dots only (...) – not more, not less. Another thing: when you're trying to depict screaming or yelling, avoid using capitals to show this. It is more professional to use italics.

Finally: descriptions. I feel like you could have included more. As a reader, I want to feel like I am there – I want to hear everything, see everything, and smell everything. And you can use this to your advantage – you can shape your setting to make your story more tense and suspenseful. You can really build your setting using descriptions to make it more gothic, or more eerie, if that's what you're intending to do. Figurative language and literary devices can help you do this.

Plot + Uniqueness: 3.5/5

I'm going to start by saying that the first chapter was a brilliant and powerful introduction to your story. I loved getting a glimpse of the killer himself – I thought that was a very clever way to play with the structure of your story. Great work!

I also liked the pop culture references throughout the story – such as Regina and Cinderella. Though, since we've mentioned Cinderella, I will say that the whole concept of the horridly bratty step-sister, the oblivious father and the wicked step-mother is quite a common trope, the surrounding context is quite unique. I like the mystery/thriller element to your story – it's a great genre to dabble in.

I'm glad you haven't revealed the killer just yet. It seems that reveal will be the final, climactic point of the story. It does seem like the story is geared towards making the reader thinking that Kyle is that killer, and I'm secretly hoping that there will be some major plot twist that shows that the killer isn't Kyle. I would literally scream if the killer turned out to be Kate (though the killer is a male, so never mind), or even Blake's dad. I think that would be a crazy plot twist that would just make this story incredibly unique and intriguing. 

OVERALL SCORE: 14/25

Overall, an intriguing start to a story! You just need to work on your grammar, as well as your description, and you'll be good to go! I hope this review helps.