Title: BOYS: Her Addiction

Author: UntarnishedForever

Summary: 4/5

Good captivating summary! It gives away the right amount of information to keep readers hooked, but omits enough to make them yearn for more. Well done there! The summary does need some polishing – just for the sake of clarity. For example, the semicolon is used incorrectly – which will be explained in the grammar side of things.

Grammar: 3/5

Your grammar definitely needs some brushing up. I found quite a lot of minor errors – such as missing capitalisation at the start of sentences and missing full-stops at the end of the sentences. There were also some punctuation rules that need revising.

Firstly: semicolons. A semicolon is used to separate two clauses that can work perfectly as independent sentences, but are strongly intertwined. I've been told that a semicolon is even a good replacement for the word 'because' or 'so', in some instances. Now let's look at your example here:

"The reason behind her addiction; her mentality, after she got addicted."

The two clauses on either side of the semicolon cannot work as independent sentences on their own. Therefore, a semicolon is inappropriate in this instance.

Another common error I found was punctuation before the end of dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Just cool down." I say.

That above example is incorrect, since "I say" is a verbal tag. It should be:

"Just cool down," I say.

Character Building: 4/5

Kindla has a very strong narrative voice – amazing work there. I love her sarcasm and her obvious character flaws, and it's very interesting to see her heart chime into the narrative every now and then. I also like Hannah – I like that she is more than just a good friend, but potentially more than that. Most characters have very distinct voices, and the dialogue is always engaging. Great job there.

I found Zayn randomly moody? When he found out that Kindla saw him kissing Jessica, he started accusing her of not caring about their relationship. But then, very quickly, he's almost pleading for her not to go on a break. I found this a little contradictive – even more so when he came to pick her up from her house (which showed me he wants to stay devoted) but was okay with Jessica basically pulling at his sleeves.

And when Zayn was with Jessica, Kindla reassured herself that Zayn loves her and said she was sure of it. I think that could have been a nice moment for you to flesh out – you could have weaved in some memories of her and Zayn. Small things, right down to the way he looks at her. That way, the reader can understand her feelings and know why she thinks that. 

Writing Style: 3.5/5

Great description in the first few chapters! I loved the description of the setting – that was very beautifully done. I wish you extended this further and continued with that descriptive writing, especially when they went clubbing. I would love it if you could set the scene and keep giving us glimpses of that lovely visual imagery.

I will admit that, while I loved the way you manipulated sentence structure, the writing did feel a little jumpy at times. Again, I think this might be because of misleading punctuation. But there are definitely some moments that could have felt more professionally written. For example, when the doorbell rings, rather than writing 'ting tong ting', you can flesh that out more by describing the sound. Was it a sharp, ear-piercing trill? A gentle, low bell chime? Otherwise, good work here.

Plot + Uniqueness: 3.5/5

It's very hard to judge plot since the story is still getting its gears into place. But I can see the love pentagon taking shape, which is good. I hope it leads to one big climax soon, and I can't wait to see how everything plays out in the end.

There were a few things that pleasantly surprised me about your story. One was the state of Kindla's addiction – I didn't think it would be that serious until I actually starting reading and saw the physiological effects.

Another piece of advice I have for you as you progress with your story is to keep the writing purposeful. Do we need to see Kindla throw her clothes in the washing machine? Will it contribute to the overall plot? If the answer is no, don't include it.

Otherwise, good luck with the rest of your story!

OVERALL SCORE: 18/25

Overall, you've got some great things happening! You have strong characters, and an interesting plot. Be sure to brush up on your punctuation rules, and you'll be good to go. I hope this review helps!