Title: Be Still, My Heart

Author: ihavenowheretobe

Summary: [no score – will not be added to final score]

I decided not to score your summary, simply because it isn't exactly a traditional summary and that makes it a little hard to discuss. However, I do like the use of binary disposition – with the 'one is this, one is that', and I love how you end it with the two contrasting people colliding. I think that this type of summary would draw in a lot of readers, so well done!

Grammar: 2/5

Alright, so, there were quite a few grammatical issues I found in the story, and I think most of them come from just not knowing the rules (which is fine – I've noticed that the specific grammar rules in writing aren't really taught in schools that much anymore). So, I thought I'd break them down for you.

First of all, let's talk dialogue. When your characters are talking, whenever a new character talks, their dialogue must be in a new paragraph. For example, you have written:

"Have you been experiencing any chest pain?" She gives me a second to think. Yes, I did felt some but I would just brush it off because most of the time they subside. "Yes, occasionally."

In that example, you have two separate characters talking – the doctor, and Belle. Also, 'I did felt' doesn't make grammatical sense. If we rewrite the sentence accurately, it should be:

"Have you been experience any chest pain?" She gives me a second to think.

Yes, I did feel some, but I would just brush it off because, most of the time, they subsided.

"Yes," I answer. "Occasionally."

Since we're already talking about dialogue, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Hodor" I whispered with a sigh.

There must be some form of punctuation before the closing inverted commas. Since 'I whispered' refers directly to the dialogue being spoken, it should be:

"Hodor," I whispered with a sigh.

Another example:

"Two dollars cheap." I said playfully.

Again, since the 'I said' refers directly to the words being spoken, it should be:

"Two dollars cheap," I said playfully.

Next, let's talk about tense. You kept switching back and forth between past and present tense, and this sometimes even happened in a single paragraph. You need to choose one and keep it consistent. For example, in one chapter, within a few paragraphs, these were two sentences:

"I just shrug it off," I answered. [answered = past tense]

"Call me Belle," I interrupt. [interrupt = present tense]

You need to choose one and stick to it.

Additionally, you tend to have quite a few run-on sentences. Along with this, when you do use commas, your commas tend to be sticking to the wrong word. Let's look at an example:

"I am walking down the hall with my two best friends ,Anna and Leona talking about..."

In this example, the comma is spaced away from the word 'friends' and is stuck to the word 'Anna', when, in fact, it should be the other way around. The comma should be right next to the preceeding word and be spaced away from the subsequent word. Additionally, you're missing a comma after the word 'Leona'. If rewritten accurately, that sentence should be:

"I am walking down the hall with my two best friends, Anna and Leona, talking about..."

Apart from those errors, you tended to have lots of typos. You wrote 'flincling' instead of 'flinching', 'cardilogy' instead of 'cardiology', and there were many other instances of a single word spelt incorrectly. I suggest going back and revising those. 

Character Building: 3.5/5

I think Belle is a very relatable and entertaining protagonist – well done! I love that pizza is part of her basic needs in life, and I love that she's a professional couch potato. Her sarcastic chirps when she envisions what her heart must be saying are just hilarious, and I burst out laughing whenever she faceplanted into a door or said something awfully witty like, "Is this how I die? Drowning in fries?" – well done at creating such an engaging main character.

I also enjoyed the depth she showed. I felt very moved when she discussed her conflict regarding wanting to go to college, and not really being able to. My heart also ached for Cade when he lost his sister – his reaction, his internal monologue, and his denial was so heartbreaking to read, but were also so incredibly realistic. Again, well done for crafting such moving characters. His nightmares were so sad to read, but they added so much more depth to his character.

Seeing the two characters interact was simply adorable. It was very romantic-comedy like, with the banter, the witty quips, and the playfulness. I can't wait to see them get to no each other more, and I can't wait to see how their friendship progresses into what I presume will be romance.

A bit of advice from me regarding characterisation: when it comes to appearance, don't stop the narrative to describe it. Instead of stopping the action and plot to say, "she has blonde hair", try weaving those descriptions into the writing by saying, "she swept aside her blonde hair as she strolled up to the hospital bed". Not my finest example, but you get the point – keep the characters moving, even when you describe them.

Also, keep characters purposeful. The best friends at the start almost seemed to have no purpose at all, apart from maybe asking Belle if she was alright and calling for help. If that's the case, keep it to one character. However, if they do end up coming into the plot later in the story (after all, you've only uploaded eight chapters thus far), then don't worry about that – keep them both! Just make sure each character carries a significant weight within the story. 

Writing Style: 3.5/5

Again, I think you've done a fabulous job at writing in the perspective of Belle in particular – I like that you pepper the writing with her witty quips, her sarcasm, and her overall commentary. I also loved how you described the pain she felt in that prologue – the pain that clawed in her heart, the light-headedness. It was a great way of really taking the reader there.

Additionally, I'm really glad you described the whiteness of the hospital room and the sounds of the machines. I do wonder, however, whether you could extend that to every setting – describe to me what the school looked like, or what their homes or offices look like whenever they are at home or in the office. Describe to me the cafés – the smells, the sounds, the looks. It'll help ground the reader more.

Also, for the sake of professionalism, avoid writing things such as, "Okayyyyy". Rather, describe to the reader that the character stretched out the word. That way, it seems more professional and also describes the purpose of the paralanguage to the reader.

I did really enjoy your one-word sentences! They were very powerful. Instances such as, "It's what I hated most. Silence." – they were incredibly impactful, and the dynamic change of pace was a great way to keep your reader engaged. Well done! 

Plot + Uniqueness: 4/5

Your opening was very intense and tragic. However, I thought it was a clever way to introduce your story, because, later on, as the story progressed, we saw the two sides of that prologue intertwine. I like how Cade's story tied to Bell's – I'll admit, I was definitely sad when his sister died, but when I realised that it would probably be her heart going to Belle, I was very, very intrigued. That's such an interesting concept to play with, so great choice there!

It's hard to judge the plot, seeing as the two characters have only just met. However, you've set up a solid foundation and I can't wait to see how it progresses.

OVERALL SCORE: 13/20

Overall, a heart-warming concept with wonderfully entertaining banter. Just work on your grammatical rules, as outlined above, and you should be good to go! I hope this review helps.

And that, folks, is our 150th review! I can't believe it! Thank you to everyone who has requested a review, but most of all, thank you so much to our dedicated reviewers who have been working tirelessly to complete the reviews on their waiting list. Soon enough, we'll be at 200!