Title: A Time to Heal

Author: bolatitoadeneye

Summary: [NO SCORE GIVEN – WILL NOT BE INCLUDED IN FINAL SCORE]

This isn't exactly a conventional summary, so it was too difficult for me to score. Sorry about that! 

Like lots of writers on Wattpad, you've chosen an excerpt from the book to use as a summary. Which is fine! Sometimes, it can be very captivating. I will say, however, that this excerpt is too long. Imagine that this story was published and we were looking at a hardcover copy – it simply would not fit at the back of the book. I suggest finding an excerpt that is snappier and more dramatic, that briefly hints the underlying conflict. Also, the grammar and punctuation in the excerpt needs brushing up – but more on that is in the grammar section of this review. 

Grammar: 2/5

The biggest issue, regarding grammar, was run-on-sentences. It can be a rather difficult thing to grasp at first, but no worries, I'm here to break things down for you! So, basically, you overused commas and longer sentences over sentences that should have been shorter. Run-on-sentences are important to avoid, because they disrupt the fluency of a story.

I would go back and revise your understanding of commas. Read the story aloud and see how long the pauses are between clauses. If you pause for a longer time, you probably need a stronger punctuation than a comma.

Another thing was punctuation before the end of dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Snacking again, I see." She said.

That is incorrect. Since the "she said" is a verbal tag and directly refers to the dialogue, it should be:

"Snacking again, I see," she said. 

Character Building: 3/5

There were some great moments of character development throughout your story. I loved that moment where Fatimah threw the Malteser pack in the bin after spitting the ones in her mouth – it was heavily symbolic and showed a change in character intentions. I also liked the conversational tone of her narrative.

However, I still think we needed more from her. It's written in first-person, so you could have showed us how she felt to a more thorough extent. You could give us physiological hints as to how she is feeling. Instead of saying she was scared, you could have showed us that her blood felt like ice in her veins, or that her stomach was rumbling with the might of a storm (these aren't my best examples and don't suit your genre – but I'm just showing how you could use those internal feelings to demonstrate emotions).

And these would have been great for moments when she was drunk. Sure, the dialogue made her tipsy, but the rest didn't. You have to remember that, if a character is drunk and the story is written in first person, the narration should also feel as if it has been written by a drunken person.

Also, maybe I missed it, but I don't think we got enough backstory from Fatimah? Or her parents? This will be broken down more in the section about plot.

Writing Style: 2.5/5

Description. Description. Description.

I need more of it. I didn't get enough description of the setting – and there were quite a few settings used in the story, so that is a problem. The reader should feel grounded, and even though they can make assumptions of what an office or house looks like, you need to give us descriptions to validate those assumptions. Use things like sensory imagery – sound, smell, sight – to help make your writing more vivid and detailed.

And don't be afraid to manipulate sentence structures. One-sentence paragraphs or one-word sentences are very effective. Otherwise, the story starts feeling quite formal and dry.

And use a bit more figurative language! I caught some beautiful moments when you used them, such as when Fatimah described the Maltesers as dust in her mouth – wonderful, wonderful writing there. Extend this figurative writing to the rest of your story!

Plot + Uniqueness: 2.5/5

I know how close stories are to the writers' hearts. So, if I say something here that might hurt you, I'm very sorry. Please remember that I'm trying to be constructive, and that all authors can improve their works.

I'm going to start by saying that you have a wonderful amount of conflict and tension. You have the right amount of antagonistic characters, and a steady build with a surprising climax that I'm sure no one really saw coming (I'm referring to that final moment with Alex).

Just a note: details. I mentioned description before, but now I would like to discuss some details that felt like they were missing. What even is Fatimah's job? What does she do? How did she get there? Who are her parents? What is her backstory? How did she get where she is? The whole story felt convenient in lots of places, so I'd suggest you consider fleshing out your backstories and characterisations. Stories should feel as if one thing leads to the next. There should never be too many coincidences. Otherwise, it feels like you're just trying to cover-up plot holes.

And another thing: be careful when writing about self-harm and eating disorders. I think you handled the eating disorder aspects of the story quite well, so I comment you for that. As for the self-harm aspects? I'm not feeling too confident.

For one, self-harm isn't just something that someone does because one single tragic thing happened to them. It takes development of time, development of character, and a whole lot of hell to get someone to reach that point. Self-harm, while triggered by specific moments, usually involve a harsh upbringing and low self-esteem. And, from what most people could gather, Alex absolutely did have a low self-esteem beforehand. In fact, she was confident that she wouldn't lose Kelvin because she prided herself. So, already, we can see contradicting characterisation.

And making an antagonistic character self-harm is a very, very dangerous route. Because, already, there were readers thinking that Alex is deluded and that does not make a good impression on other people suffering from self-harm.

Don't take this too close to heart. Most readers wouldn't pick up on this. But I'm studying psychology and have worked a bit in this field, so it's something I'm used to picking up on. I would suggest doing lots of research and fleshing out Alex's character if you're going to take this approach to the end. That, or consider alternate endings for the story. 

OVERALL SCORE: 10/20

You've got some great things happening here! You have some strong moments of character development and figurative language. I encourage you to take this even further and flesh out those characters and work on your punctuation rules. I hope this review helps!