Title: Xalvandor

Author: VAMP1R1NA

Reviewer: rrc_loves_donuts

As the book is not completed yet, the focus points will differ from the ones in my other reviews. If there is one thing that I noticed, it is that your writing style completely changes over the course. I'll further elaborate in the form of different categories if this change is an improvement or not.

Description: 4/5

The description that you provide is rather mysterious, as it doesn't let anyone know even the name of the characters. 

It also leads to many questions and curiosity. As the last line in 'her' (the last thing she needs is a mate) suggests, it's obvious that she is going to meet her mate sometime in the journey.

However, what isn't that obvious, is who the mysterious mate is, 'he' or the more secretive 'his brother'.

The only problem is that the description is missing of something. While it is enough to lure in almost the whole of the romantic side of wattpad, it won't be enough on a professional level.

To be honest, what the summary lacks is compactness. You have to show the readers a thing that will separate your description from all others. By far, the whole concept of 'his' and 'her' is very cliché and overused. 

If suppose you were to publish this book, you'll have to write a much shorter one with such catchy or iconic phrases that it peaks interest in a single paragraph.

Surprisingly, I won't suggest a title reference here.

Character Development: 4/5

The character of Sapphire is very unsteady at the beginning. From the very start I notice the underlying strength in her, but it still lacked realism. After so many years of torment, it is humanely impossible for her to feel love towards her family. Many people, after such a traumatizing experience, often say they hate the one inflicting the pain on them but still hold love for them secretly. I don't think it's very realistic of Sapphire to so openly love them, however kind and forgiving she may be. 

And then even when she can't help her friend at the beginning because of her sprained ankle even though a such a crucial moment would make her body go on an adrenaline rush, she very perfectly runs away from the monster afterwards. That's not realistic either.

But this is where the change occurs. As I read on, Sapphire's character becomes very steady and shows only a couple of definite characteristics. Now, this is a major improvement. I wasn't very sure as to how to rate your book on the basis of character development because, as I've mentioned, your style changed drastically along the way. So I rated it an average of both marks (beginning version-3.5; improved version-4.5).

Errors: 3/5

There are errors all throughout the book. This is something that didn't improve. There isn't any special category in which you lack here; there're problems where you missed a word, some places where you misplaced words, and some places, where you made errors concerning tense.

You will also have to study the sentence structure. 

For example, the way you use this line: 

"If it was not because life is more important than anything else, I would have rather stayed in that cell, that way, my body will not be displayed like this."

While this may be grammatically correct, it sounds better when written like this:

"Had Life not been the most important, I would've preferred to stay in that cell; that way my body wouldn't have been displayed like this."

But, they do not make the book all that cringey. 

You often repeated pronouns where they didn't need to be. But, the reason that it's not cringey, is that you don't use 1st standard English. I mean, there's not much of depth and you don't use big or complex words, but it is still average English. It doesn't feel like a childrens' book and is almost simplistically beautiful. 

I did see you mention that English isn't your 1st language so I would greatly suggest you to hire an editor. They do not change your sentences or plot or interfere in your work; they just correct your errors. You can find one in almost any community, including ours. 

Writing Style: 4/5

Now this is where I see the biggest improvement. In the first chapter itself, Sapphire 'states' the traumatic and gory incidents of her life. She doesn't describe them with any emotion, even though the incidents are tragic. Even when she does, it's just a single sentence and feels like she's monotonously reading a book.

I also see a very different type of style where you often leave sentences uncompleted with a mysterious vibe (eg- they never cared....). However, you did use this style in some places where a full stop would make it seem more heavy.

For example, when writing 'then again...', use a comma; it makes it seem more accurate. 

Again, as I read on, your writing improves. You start beautifully describing emotions, and stop using '...' completely.

Once again, this rating is an average mark.

Plot Holes/Absurdity: 4/5

Once again, it's an average rating.

The earlier chapters lacked realism, and were filled with absurdity and plot-holes. As I read the paragraphs, it felt as if I was jumping from one to another and skipping some lines in between.

As I mentioned before, it slowly improved.

TOTAL SCORE: 19/25

Somehow, I don't stand by these marks. As I said, your style drastically improved halfway through and I didn't know how to rate it.

I, myself, take a long time to complete my books and everytime I see an interesting writing style, it influences my own style. A couple of weeks back, I was replacing 'because' with 'for' and now, I don't know why, am using a lot of semi colons. 

I would suggest you to hire an editor and just go back and rewrite the first few chapters once you complete the book. 

Also, just buy a 8th and 10th grade English grammar book and study it. From what I saw, these two grade books will help you improve. While an editor will help you, I noticed your talent in the plot making and think that with some improved grammar, you'll make a great author.

Hope this review was helpful and helped you improve!