Title: The Guardians

Author: SydPanda5

Reviewer: awesomeSTG

Summary/Blurb: 3/5

Your blurb is already pretty interesting already, even without that excerpt. It's not everyday one can construct a story's summary in just a few sentences you know! 

In my opinion though, it was pretty unnecessary to add that said excerpt of yours in the middle. I mean, I didn't see the point of that. I know this is a very common method in Wattpad, though if I have to look at it in a professional manner, then it's a no-no. 

Okay, so last one explaining something about Lauren is what piqued my interest, though it would've been better if you introduced Atlas's character a little too. After all, he kinda shares almost just as much POVs as Lauren. 

Also, what are the stakes? I was bummed out because I found no reason to be invested in 'some random character who can control the sun,' (that's how a reader usually sees a character for the first time) so I suggest you place what will happen to Lauren if she doesn't do this and that. 

Then there's this: 

"She gains the ability to control the sun, and travel through elemental realms..." 

The comma was also unnecessary. Why? Because it makes the thought sound choppy. After all, there's only one subject. A comma is usually added before the word 'and' when there's another subject participating and connecting the sentence. 

Other than the things I pointed out, your summary's already very decent!

Description: 2.5/5

Actually, to be honestly honest, one of the reasons it took me such a while with this is because I struggled to get past your first chapter. I had no idea what was happening yet at that point, and there was just a lot of telling. You took me for a wild spin, and so my head's filled to the brim with questions. Of course, this is also pretty subjective because a person is the one who decides what is interesting to her/him. It's just that I tend to focus on more details about the surrounding area and plot that's all. 

Okay, back to the main point! You were using tell and not show. I know for one that this can be exhausting if not with practice and time. There are certain things that work better with showing, such as emotions, sensations, mental thoughts or memories, and world-building and magi. Then there's also the limited showing, built specifically for action and fast-paced scenarios. Numerous times I wanted to put my phone down because I was tired out of my wits, and numerous times more because the constant telling of emotions in bland words kinda lulled me to sleep. Yes, I'm telling that it can put the readers off. 

An example of this is Lauren. She's... um, how do I say this? She's a nice character and all, though I've seen that you tend to narrate her emotions flat out instead of slowly letting us digest them. Anger and embarrassment, for instance. When she hated how her cheeks unconsciously turn red and stuff when she's embarrassed and stuff is another example. Don't just tell us! How are we supposed to know how she feels? That's why you need to show us her hate, her frustration, a special trait that only her POV possesses. 

As far as I know how, there are two ways to show such things. One of them is the common "feel the vibes" showing, such as the 'his blood ran cold,' or 'her heart died'. Then there's the "playing with your character's vocab vibe," which is something I've actually grown fond of using. It's something that makes use of your character's personality without saying out loud that "she's a badass jerk," or whatever quirks she has. Their reaction to things around them and how they describe it is a pretty effective way to show too. And, you'll give your character depth and consistency too. 

Okay, I'll show you something: 

"Asagai muttered another curse as his foot got stuck in another overgrown root, having grown particularly tired of the repetitive, never-ending scene of trees and roots and elves — not to forget the faeries swarming around his hair like pesky locusts." 

To make that stupidly long paragraph short, Asagai was annoyed/frustrated out of his wits already, just from the usage of pesky locusts. Also, you can tell that he's not really a goody guy, since he just cursed. And yet, we actually got the gist of it even though there was no "his blood boiled a thousand degrees Celsius," thingy. I didn't think it was the best example, though it was the shortest I could find.

Grammar: 2/5

The flow of your grammar is pretty neat, so I don't have many qualms here! The pace was nice and comfortable, and I'd like to point out that you did a great job at your manner of switching their POVs. It wasn't the choking kind that makes no sense sometimes, such as adding in too much. 

I'd like to point out that there are also things you need to work on in this department. First up, your tenses. They jump back and forth from past to present. 

'"Ow!" I groaned. I glance up at my attacker...' 

Groaned = past tense

Glance = present tense

This happened quite often in your story, and I must say that it's pretty disconcerting and can mess up your story's mojo. So, I suggest that you look at both tenses carefully and choose what you prefer the most, or use the one most beneficial to the story's flow. 

Then there's your misplaced commas. I found a lot of them scattered around and it felt a tad choppy. 

'My mouth went slack, as I took in his features. '

'The guy walks up to Mr. Jenson, and hands him the pink detention slip...' 

'The freshman caught me staring, and grinned at me.'

I believe I already explained this type in the summary corner? 

I was thinking that perhaps you were afraid of encountering a run-on sentence, so I've got a few tips. Let's start mending the first one, shall we? 

'My mouth went slack as I took in his features.' 

'My mouth went slack when I took in his features.'

No comma works perfectly fine, don't you think? Or... if you really want to place one on this sentence, just invert the words around. 

'As/When I took in his features, my mouth went slack.' 

As for the others, they can function likewise. Next: 

'"What is it Atlas?" I ask annoyed.' 

'"Um... Atlas?" I ask uncertainty.

On this part, I suggest that you add some commas if you want to tag a following action after the verbal tag. On the first example, I'll also advice you to add a comma before Atlas's name. You should always do so when making your characters tag the other's name. To determine whether you should use a comma or not, read your work aloud. It's really embarrassing, I know, but it's really effective! You can't trust your mind reading for you — it might have gotten used to your style of writing, therefore unable to detect inconsistencies like misplaced commas, unlike the mouth. 

Also, on the second example, I believe the proper word is "uncertainly"? 

This is what we're going to discuss next. The other element I found in your work is that you have a lot of words/phrases that don't make sense/doesn't sound right sometimes. 

'Atlas must of snapped out of his trance...'

This should be changed to 'must have' because the word you used wasn't appropriate.

'With a sigh, I swivel on the piano chair to leave, when I see him.' 

This can be confusing to some, because the words you used weren't really the proper threads to weave. Also, the 'piano chair,' is unnecessary. We already know what she's playing, so you don't have to include that. Shouldn't it be more like:

'With a sigh, I swivel the chair to leave, only to see him.' 

It's simpler this way, no? There are more of those around your chapters, especially those under your part 3. I suggest editing and revision. 

Also, I think you need to tell the difference between 'your' and 'you're'. 

'"You're... creatures could've killed her!" I yelled.' 

'"I'm, sorry. You're playing... reminded me of someone."' 

Okay. 'You're' is simply 'you are,' shortened. Now if you were to say 'you are' in those small phrases I've extracted from your story, it would seriously sound really weird. The appropriate word to use is 'your,' which pertains to something that belongs to said person.

Characterisation: 3/5

First of all, I want to applaud your creativity in introducing Atlas's backstory. You did it in a unique manner. In fact, he's actually my favourite character! He's not perfect but is struggling to gain power. He's interesting, but I felt like most of his powerful potentials went down the drain after Lauren. Don't get me wrong though, I don't dislike Lauren. It's just that she's a tad cliché. 

Desire for power isn't something one can discard so quickly, and by the way things are going, I have a feeling that he'll be converted to the 'goody guy' who only struggles sometimes and no one will think twice about him anymore. He's got a lot of potential. You could make him do much, much more with this character, and you chose to let him turn into a cuddlebug. In my opinion, his perspective on things shouldn't have changed 'that' quickly.

Then there's Lauren. Could you... um, probably give her a clearer personality? She really needs a lot of polishing up. You're merely telling us her emotions instead of showing them to us. And so, my imagination gives me the insight of her visually, but I can't feel her. She can't make me feel anything, and to be honest, she's bland. Like I said, I don't dislike her. It's just that she's like most of the female leads on a typical fantasy story, out running to fend herself from monsters because apparently, big bad and melancholic — as always, apparently — Hades (I'm not going to assume that he's the 'bad guy,' because there's no such things) is after her. And because she's one of the chosen ones, there's this hidden power. Hopefully, there are more twists to this than the usual. (Sorry, I'm ranting.) 

Though, since your story is pretty much a series, there's a ton of room for improvements. I just hope those characters won't turn out two-dimensional. 

Plot: [no score]

Okay. Since you told me not to read the chapters under the label 'Part 2,' I decided not to give this category a score, since I don't think I can follow everything properly from then on. So instead of the flow, I've decided to focus more on the overalls rather than the pacing. In terms of uniqueness though, I'm going to be blunt and say that this trope is common. But then of course, what I'm reading just scratches the surface. There's tons of room for improvement, and since this is a series, I'm hoping that there will be more to this than the usual.

Realism: 3/5

One thing in this is that issue I've had with Atlas. Dude, what's with the sudden urges of desire? Does love... does love seriously go 'that' fast? It's rushed, I tell you. It was just chapter 3 when I first saw the signs. Good thing this isn't like the highschool romance ones, or I'd be flipping like a pancake. And when I skipped over to Part 3, I was SHOOKED at what was going on, the two of them acting so lovey-dovey. It's like I've missed an entire season in the Part 2, and that's why I didn't go as far as go to your plot. 

Shouldn't Atlas be more determined, for one? I mean, he's always dreamed of power! I mean, in my opinion, unless love is necessary to the plot, I don't think it should be relevant. If it is, then it shouldn't be so soon. I didn't know that excerpt on your summary would go as fast as appear on chapter 5. (Was it chapter 5?) 

Okay. Another one in this department is Lauren. She really made me flip when Hades appeared before her. He's THE Hades for sakes! Well, I was thinking that maybe Lauren would at least recognize a Greek God. I mean, the God of The Underworld is a famous figure. Maybe the Gods aren't as known as they are in the year 2022? (But that's just three years from now.) Realistically, it's still pretty close to the present. I was thinking that maybe you should've explained your world properly in the first few parts before we begin to question the holes in your story. 

Her reaction is also suspiciously calm, knowing that she hasn't encountered anything magic yet. She tried to run, yes, though if it were a normal person, they would've hyperventilated and screamed and demanded that the situation should be explained to them in a shrill tone. After all, it's in the human nature to fear those they don't understand. If she doesn't know anything about magic so far, why is she talking to Hades as if he were nothing more than a long-forgotten uncle? It's actually at this point that showing is necessary. We need to understand the kind of thoughts, emotions, and sensations running amok in her head. There's none of that, so I was seriously befuddled. 

OVERALL SCORE: 10.5/20

Hello there, Syd! Thanks a lot for placing your trust in me. Sorry if I've been blunt on the most parts, though as I've previously stated, there are some things that I've kept subjective. Hopefully you have learned something from this review and apply it to your story. Thank you!