Title: Everlyn and Derrick 

Author: The_Sunset_Writer

Reviewer: awesomeSTG

Summary: 2.5/5

It was short, kinda catchy at first, but it didn't really pique my attention. When you're writing a summary, you should always aim to hook and lure us in, not in the terms of click baiting, but by using information about the story to make us care to the point that we would actually try to go as far as check out what's in the first chapter. To do this, you need to start with some information about your main characters, like occupation and age. What is their standpoint in society? Where are they, what's going on, and how are they involved? 

Also, while you're doing it, you might need to make sure there aren't any grammatical inconsistencies that might turn off potential readers. 

Since your blurb is short, my only problem is the incomplete sentence. 

For example:

'But as Everlyn uncovers her dark past and its bloody secrets and Derrick faces his greatest fears.' 

...erm, what's next? Why is there a period? That sentence is thereby incomplete. I don't really know what you want to add, but do consider omitting that and replacing it with a comma instead, so the sentence can be linked to your rhetorical question. 

Description: 1.5/5

Um, yeah... first of all, I want to point out that you have like... a whole ton of of very short sentences. While I think that they're good measures to avoid twists and grammatical errors caused by overcomplicating sentences, they're annoying when used too frequently. To be blunt, it's making your entire paragraphs look dull and lifeless, since not only does the book have overly bland sentences and telling, it also possesses a whole lot of incomplete sentences. 

For example: 

'I was shocked, embarrassed, and wary of the situation.' 

This is an example of telling. You can't just let Everlyn plainly narrate all those things. Show us her shock! Show us her embarrassment, and show us how wary she is!

Grammar: 2/5

Well... I guess it's pretty readable... for the most part. But then I won't tally any longer and get to the topic at hand, since grammar is going to take a whole lot. 

Messed-up tenses:

"The shop wasn't really big. There were four stands. Each full to the brim with colorful and intoxicating smells. I walked behind the cashier desk. It was small but it got the job done." 

This is an example of one of your short sentences. Anywho, what I want to say is to take notice of the word, "were, wasn't, and walked," were all in past tense, but the word, "full," is in present. There are more of these scattered all over your story, so I'd suggest revisions. I also suggest that you either change this to suit the rest, or try to find out your stronghold in tenses. Others are actually better in using present tense, others in past. Experiment on your own writing to see if it helps.

Another:

'I closed my eyes to squeezed back the tears.' 

Well, you're technically right about keeping the "closed," in past tense, but be reminded that when using a word after "to," it will ALWAYS be in present tense. There's always an exception to every rule, no? 

Verbal Tag Issue: 

"You're no fun." She mumbled.

Okay. Verbal tags are pretty easy, really! When doing so, please be reminded that when a person adds something to what s/he said/muttered/asked/whispered/screamed, then they are officially called verbal tags, and at the end of the statement, a comma should be placed because a tag indicates that the sentence isn't over yet. 

If the following statement is an action, then that's when you use a period. 

Incomplete Sentences: 

'Biting my tongue to silence a scream as pain shot through my body.' 

...yeah. In this part, you're missing the subject, that's why it's incomplete. Also, the formation of words kinda sound awkward when spoken out loud, don't you think? 

Revised version: 

"I bit my tongue to silence the scream as pain shot though my body." 

Punctuation Marks: 

'"How may I help you?" I asked I tried not to flinch at how high pitched my voice.' 

First of all, it's strange to just randomly add a second 'I,' when there's only a single word blocking the other one. It's seriously unnecessary because we already know she's the one trying to flinch at her own voice. Second, this sentence is also incomplete. 

Revised version: 

"...I asked, trying not to flinch at how high pitched my voice was." 

Redundancy: 

To be perfectly honest, this is one topic I found rather annoying too. In your Everlyn's POV chapters, I noticed the repetitive words you used to describe her actions, and it was seriously ticking me off.

"I frowned softly." 

"I laughed softly." 

"I said softly." 

"I sighed softly." 

I don't think I can stress this out enough. Can't you find another word? There are a ton of words other than "softly," to describe fragility or gentleness. Or maybe you can change the style of how you add adverbs. One more softly word like, "I cried softly," and I'm going to start thinking that Everlyn's a living marshmallow.

Another: 

"The violence never ends. Our district is one of the most run down and dangerous districts."

Well... that's two "districts," in a single sentence already. Also, I'm going to refer to this sentence when we get to the plot. 

Suggestion: editing and revisions. I also suggest you read other people's works, too... but not here in Wattpad.

Characterisation: 2/5

Well, I'll cut to the chase and state what I think about your characters so far. Their outlines are pretty vague, and to be blunt, I don't really sense any kind of personality coming from them at all. Is Everlyn already adept in using a gun, or is she a complete amateur? Why is she hyperventilating when she just shot the man without batting an eyelid? How come no such ideas of hesitation entered her mind? I can't deduce her persona and voice because — aside from the fact that I can't hear/feel her unique vibes — I have no idea because your statements about her contradict each other. 

Derrick... well I don't really have anything else to say about him because his POV is too short for me to deduce anything. Sorry... 

Also, when you're describing your characters, make sure you only mention relevant ones. Don't waste time in describing characters that aren't important, because it just isn't healthy and simply adds unimportant lengths, like that random guy serving caviar. If a person only appears once and serves of no importance in the future chapters or plot, then you don't have to bother going all out. That's how a reader usually determines whether a character will be an important asset in the future chapters: the amount of details. 

Plot: 2.5/5

Actually, I'm quite confused. Let's go back to the sentence I mentioned in the Grammar section, 'kay? 

"The violence never ends. Our district is one of the most run down and dangerous districts." 

That is literally the only thing I found out about your setting, so I don't understand anything. Are the "Twelve Bloody Snakes," and the "Two Headed Wolves," notorious gangs or something? I know you're trying to keep it mysterious and all, but if we have no clue why those terms are popping out of nowhere without any standing ground, then 

I know you want to jump into action right away, but without any beginner's info, then we readers are like lost children in the forest. I suggest that you first give us adequate information about your world before hurrying it up with the "fateful encounter".

Realism: 4.5/5

Since your story is still pretty short, I have but one concern. 

How did Everlyn end up in Derrick's bathroom?

This might be a misconception and all, because the facts weren't really there to explain it. But I'm wondering how that happened when she's wounded and all. Feel free to tell me in the comments section! 

OVERALL SCORE: 15/30

Hello there! Thank you so much for choosing me to be your reviewer. I'm sorry if I've been pretty blunt on most parts... I really am. But if you have anything to defend or ask, please don't hesitate to ask and we'll discuss things at the comment section!