Title: Dayao: Last Man Standing

Author: neomanuisarang

Reviewer: Marykhah77

Summary: 4.5/5

I'll start off by saying that the summary is really well written. It introduces the character without going too in-depth. The only issue I have with your summary is the fact that the world wasn't identified. I know that there are kingdoms across this world, but what is the world? Other than that, your summary is pretty spot-on.

Grammar + Punctuation: 3/5

The grammar and punctuation, from what I could tell, was pretty cleared. However, I did pick up on misuses of semi-colons, colons, and capitalization. Let's look at examples:

After another long moment, she said,

"They're going to make me marry soon."

In this example, you should've used a colon since you skipped a line.

After another long moment, she said: 

"They're going to make me marry soon."

Let's look at another example:

The older of the Princes looked at his brother: a pure soul who had done no wrong except to be born of the Queen and thus laid claim on the court's approval as his birthright.

In this example, you did use a colon, just not in the correct way. A colon means "that is to say" or "here's what I mean." They are not to be used instead of semi-colons.

This is the format I use to whenever I write with colons. Feel free to use it. 

(Introduction): (List)

Colons usually are used to list things. Semi-colons are used to join two related sentences or to separate items in a series that have commas.

Here's the format I use when using semi-colons. Feel free to use it. 

(Introduction/Idea); (Why/Explanation)

Now, let's talk about capitalizations. You capitalized the characters names and areas of your world, but you didn't capitalize titles. Let's look at what I mean:

"Her highness, Princess Dayao, has arrived"

When writing, make sure to capitalize titles like Your Highness, Your Grace, Your Majesty, Your Majesties, etc. These are all nouns, so be sure to capitalize them.

Now, let's look at the common mistakes a writer does. 

I'll be very blunt in this section because you can pick up quite easily here.

Forwards should be forward. 

Towards should be toward. 

Alright should be all right (Alright is a slang word, but all right is more formal and correct to use when writing). 

Afterwards should be afterward. 

Backwards should be backward. 

Anyways should be anyway.

I think that should be it, but knowing me, I probably missed one or two.

[actually, though, quick note from Sunshine: I kind of disagree with these points above, but that's because I spell using UK English. I've found that, with words such as 'toward/towards', US English uses 'toward', whereas UK English uses 'towards'. So, it doesn't really matter which one you use - just make sure it is consistent.

Next, the slang. 'Anyways' and 'alright' are considered slang, yes. However, if you are using it in dialogue, then it is totally appropriate to use the slang, as it can be used to show how informal the situation is. Hope that clarifies any confusion!]

Plot Development: 3.5/5

I tried not to be too picky about the pace of the plot since this is a fantasy story and fantasy, in general, takes time to develop.

The story itself starts pretty soon; the characters are defined and the situation is placed. I liked how the story had multiple third-person P.O.Vs; I'm a sucker for a good switch-up. The characters themselves were interesting, but I won't be covering that here (see Character Development and Characterization). 

I found that there were a lot of information dumps, or more commonly known as info dumps. These can be extremely helpful, but they can come across as lazy or weak. Before the chapters even began, you gave us paragraphs about each Kingdom. When I read, I want to learn about the the world, not already know about it.

As the story progressed, there were fewer plot-related info dumps (notice how I said plot-related). The Kingdoms weren't defined in the story, but were replaced by the information you gave us beforehand. Without that info dump that you gave us before, I would've had no way of differentiating between the Kingdoms. 

Again, just me being extremely picky. 

Plot-related info dumps can be useful, but the way I found you using it was kind of sloppy. You rarely described the Kingdoms in the actual story, but you did give us a glossary before the story. 

The plot itself (ignoring the info dumps), was intriguing. The story took its time to escalate. You gave us the stakes, the requirements, and what would happen if she failed (in that case, I mean if she doesn't get married).

Overall, this was well-paced. Just be sure to add more information about Kingdoms throughout the actual story. 

Character Development: 3.5/5

All right, let's get down to business (not a reference to Mulan or anything, but did anyone see the Mulan live-action trailer? Pretty cool, if I do say so myself).

I adore Dayao. Simple as that. She's kickbutt, regal, and in her own, special ways, she's fun. The way that she goes along with the reasonable approach is very realistic. 

Also, am I the only person who sees a possible relationship between Dayao and Abian? The only thing that could make me go against this is if they have an age gap.

Let's steer away from the main protagonist for a bit. 

I like how you have the male characters their own chapters; it gave a window to allow the expansion of the world. However, that's not at all what happened.

Instead, you focused more on the characters and their stakes. I appreciated the glimpse you gave us into their lives, but that only lasted for a couple sentences. 

Remember how I talked about the plot-related info dumps? I'm about to talk about character-related info dumps.

The entire chapters revolved around the character. Usually, a few sentences could be enough to describe the characters. You could probably pull off a paragraph or two. 

But an entire chapter that focused minimally on the plot and more so on the character? I found it redundant and a waste of useful information. Instead of giving us that plot info dump at beginning of the story, you could've split it up very strategically. 

This is an example of me being picky yet again.

I found myself growing bored of the redundancy of the characters. The chapters that didn't have Dayao were very flat and boring. In all honesty, I could've enjoyed it more if there weren't any other P.O.Vs. 

If you find a good balance between character dumps and plot dumps, I think your story would be that much better.

Characterisation: 4.5/5

The characters could be told apart easily, and I could confidently say that I love Dayao. She is relatable (minus the part she is a princess and I am not).

The story is about Dayao, but I loved the characters in court. Abian, Queen Altair, and every other character just seemed so pure. I could tell you put so much of yourself into them. 

There was only the issue that the other male characters were very, very faintly similar, but that's it. Character-wise, you did an excellent job.

OVERALL SCORE: 19/25

This is an excellent story with an intriguing storyline. I could definitely see how your story is similar to The Selection. I think you could improve your story by fleshing out the world and splitting up the info dumps and using strategies to learn about colons and semi-colons. 

If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask Marykhah77. Please leave feedback, as this is my first time and I do hope I covered everything you wanted me to.