Title: The Rise of the Shadows

Author: amyrobinNZ

Reviewer: lordedarylene

Character Development: 7/10

My perusal of this aspect will focus on Macey and Connor because they were the most developed. Still, I'll touch on the other personas in the story. Have I said your cast is amazing? No? Well, your cast is amazing. Your characters are unique. Thank you for making the effort to achieve this feat. It's great reading a story with characters who don't act as you expect them to. They are far from perfect which is another plus for me. Perfect characters are boring. Your characters have their individual strengths and weaknesses. The minor characters were just coming to light by the fifth chapter so, I didn't see much of them. In spite of that, it was clear they had good and bad sides. They were likeable and different from each other. They didn't behave according to clichés or stereotypes and that was nice. I couldn't really predict how they would act from the third chapter and that's rare for me. I don't think I have any tangible suggestions to make here. This part was great. 

Macey is an onion: full of many intriguing layers. I loved picking her apart and finding one thing or the other. She's the classic tough main female character yet she's not. I like how easy it is for her to blend into submissive roles despite her dominating persona. For example; she was fierce when dealing with Connor. When she was confronted by their professor, she softened beyond belief. That was hilarious and made her stand out from other badass females I've read about. She also has demons from her past I would love to unravel. I don't know why I like the fact that she has no backstory yet. Perhaps, the allure lies in the mystery that surrounds her behaviour. I really like her. She's like a combination of yin and yang; quite a lovely combo, if you ask me. The one thing that did confuse me, though, was her attitude towards female stereotypes. For such a strong female, she used a ton of them like the 'all girls like flowers' belief. I'm a feminist but I don't care that she believes such gender stereotypes. I like it because a lot of people do and that makes her realistic. What I do care about is how it contradicts her tough girl behavior. It's not a bad contradiction but it is one that could confuse readers.

Connor, Connor, Connor. Where do I start? Connor is the kind of main male character we need on this app. He has no interest in being the worshipped bad boy even though he has the looks to be one like his brother. He loves books. I repeat at the top of my lungs with a megaphone: he loves books. Marry me, please. Finding a guy who reads books -not comics or manga- for fun is tougher than finding a needle in a haystack. I'm overjoyed that you made such a character. I love the way his boldness contrasts with his shyness. He went from biting Macey's head off to fumbling around her. That's a strange difference I can't get enough of. I love his determination to be more than he is. Simultaneously, I love how much he hungers to leave his brother's shadow. That's a similar struggle I faced in high school. Luckily, I blew them away with my eccentric mannerisms. I understand Connor's pain and a lot of people will. It's a lovely point of connection to hold onto. I would love to see how he changes as the story progresses.

Overall, well done here. I'm pleased with your characterization.

Plot Development: 7/10

Before I analyze the plot in and of itself, I'll start by saying I love the plot concepts you've chosen for this wonderful story. They're quite captivating and have been manipulated in a way that opposes clichés that could arise. You have a certain flair I can't identify when it comes to presenting elements of your plot; I really love it. You twist individual elements which would be considered banal so that they become your own. That's just amazing and I plead that you keep it up. We do need uniqueness here.

Your plot presents a buffet of fantasy, action, mythology, adventure, romance, young adult, and other interesting genres. Who wouldn't want to dig in? If there's one thing I love, it's a story that's able to bring together various genres to make something beautiful. I applaud you for this. Another thing I like is your choice of urban fantasy kept on a mellow level. It's similar to what I call 'implied horror' as seen in works of authors like H. P. Lovecraft. You cloaked abnormal occurrences with an air of normalcy that only amplified them. I like that. It makes the story more believable because these characters have been living in this fantastic world since they could breathe. Of course, creating ice or fire would be treated like a normal happening. Even the part where you mentioned Macey's four legs flowed beautifully. I did a double-take; then, laughed at how inconspicuous that piece of information was.

Let's begin the analysis where I'll be stating what I like, don't like, and my suggestions on bettering the plot. First, I like the epigraph dedicated to the school in the part preceding the first chapter. It was beautiful and created the right atmosphere for the story's beginning. That's how to start a story surrounding undergrads (I'm assuming they're in a college due to their ages).

Concerning the words following the epigraph, I'm lukewarm. I can't decide whether I like them or not so, I'll just say -or write- how they make me feel. At first, I was scared the entire story would be in that format. Then, I realised that wasn't the case and settled enough to peruse it. I like the difference the format represents. It's a unique way to begin the main story and that's a plus. It reminds me of Liane Moriarty's 'Little Big Lies' where she mixes prose with her story. I like it when an author deviates from the norm and you did that. The content is a cliché way to start a story with the characters rising from bed. If we're honest with each other, our days don't really start till we've gotten that first shot of coffee to awaken our minds so, I don't get why stories must start from the bed. Writing it like you did distracted me from that cliché which is an evidence of that flair of yours. I'll consider this a pro. Pertaining to the con, it eliminates the possibility of a much more riveting start. The first line of the first chapter hit home. It would have been nice to move right from the epigraph to the first chapter. Such a transition reeks of professionalism. For a book to go far, it should have a balance of professionalism. 

However, if you do make such a change, I acknowledge the fact that you'll have to take out all the important terms you introduced before the first chapter. That's quite problematic but I also think it could be better. The first four chapters are essential. They need to rip through your readers with zero mercy whatsoever; that's why they're the toughest to re-write. Let's consider a situation where there's a short folklore surrounding the moon mage. Thinking of a short story of a thousand words or so will help the creative juices flow and add an extra touch to the start. You could begin with a folklore -featuring the past moon mage- written in present tense that ends with a cliff-hanger which can be explained as Macey's powers are explored. Perhaps, it could be one of how the moon mage came to be but met a bad end; then, a passing stranger or magic wielder awakened her. I don't know how it should go but you get what I mean. That will pull people in and give them a hook to hold onto: a firm reason to keep reading. The epigraph could begin the first chapter; then, we see Macey getting to class late. Even beginning from her late arrival to her mages' test sets a better mood for the story's introduction.

Now, this is where the main suggested twist comes in. I liked how Connor hated her immediately. No one wants another young adult novel with either of them falling over the other. At the same time, no one wants to see two people hating each other for the sake of a plot. He had a genuine reason for disliking her. I wouldn't change a single bit of their initial relationship. Nonetheless, I wouldn't begin with their dispute. You want readers to feel deeply connected to the characters first. A contrast could achieve that effect. What do I mean? It would be nice to have a class where she's treated like a normal student: where her disguise remains intact and she's not the center of attention. Just one class is enough and you can have a time skip to her going home. She could perform all those aforementioned activities in a reversed order so that we have all the information you removed earlier. All the extra bits could be woven into her activities so nothing is left out. The next day, the teacher exposes her and Connor who had been relatively nice becomes a devil. That will give a stronger jolt and readers will tear him to shreds before understanding him. So, that's my suggestion for this part. You can take it or leave it; it's your choice. Uniqueness should always be encouraged and I wouldn't want to be the reason you weren't which is why I added in the folklore to retain the break in writing style you incorporated. I'm just a lady who's married to novels. If a professional states the same, it could be a sign to act. If not, do what you feel comfortable with.

Moving on to other aspects of this section, I have to say you have excellent pacing. When I say that, I mean you know how to command your scenes so that time becomes irrelevant when compared to what happens in the story. I had no idea the first seven chapters were only a day or less! That's how well you manipulate things. It didn't even seem to drag on. Marvelous! Your world building is another area I'll have to praise you for. You've created an alternate existence with your books: one that we can relate to on a very human level. It's clear how much work you've put into terminologies and whatnot. You must have taken time to think of every detail and that's lovely. There's nothing better than a story with enough meat on it's bones. You did say it has a Harry Potter vibe but I think it's quite different. This is yours and you're doing well with it.

I did notice a discrepancy in your timeline after the epigraph. It's a small detail but every one is essential to effective timing. I read that at eight a.m., Connor walked to the institute. At twelve minutes to eight, Macey woke up. Then, at half-past eight, Connor passed his sages' test. It's possible that things happened in this order but every other aspect was arranged chronologically. It was either a mistake or an attempt to maintain the pattern of Connor-Macey-Connor-Macey. If it's the first case, it'll be nice to correct it as soon as possible. If it's the second case, you can keep both parts for Macey separated but they should follow each other. It'll still have a similar effect without messing up the timeframe.

Vocabulary and Sentence Structure: 2/5

In this sub-section, I came across a good number of issues which I'll point out below. That aside, I do love how you tried to use different words here or there to keep the sentences fresh. Although, there were some you repeated like 'curling her eyebrows' which can be replaced with 'dipping her eyebrows' or 'wrinkling her nose' or 'scrunching her face up'. I also love that you've embraced the use of italics to create impact in certain places in your storyline. Your sentences and paragraphs, for the most part, were arranged properly. You did a good job on that side especially as the chapters progressed. I did notice a remarkable improvement once I hit chapter five. You're doing good now and you show the ability to get even better. I'm eager to help you with that. Now, let's tackle the other side to this.

Excerpt: The room looked its age which was mostly a million years old with fire marks in the roof and the odd shard of metal hanging out of the side. The wooden panelling looked smooth and silky as the light from the crystal chandeliers danced in the graining.

Splashes of lime-green carpet with a gold embroidery flowed down the aisles, complementing the darker décor nicely.

Elemental sigils were carved into the walls and glowed their respective colour, letting off a magical energy while it pulsed along the wood.

The desks has a light rosewood texture that has the school emblem burning on the side; reminding everyone their perilous journey at the institute.

Consider: The room looked its age which was almost a million years old with fire marks streaking the roof and the odd shards of metal jutting out of the walls (or the odd shard of metal jutting out of it). The wooden panelling appeared smooth and silky as the light from the crystal chandeliers danced along the graining. Splashes of lime-green carpets with gold embroidery flowed down the aisles, complementing the darker fixtures nicely. Elemental sigils were carved into the walls and glowed their respective colours, letting off magical energy which pulsed within the wood.

The desks had a light rosewood texture that had the school emblem burning on the sides, reminding everyone of their expected perilous journeys at the institute.

When we look at the correction above, the first thing I changed was 'mostly' to 'almost'. 'Mostly' denotes a range wherein a million years is the highest attainable age. This means the room could be a year old or ten years as long as the age doesn't exceed a million years. 'Almost' means the age is as close to a million years as it can be. 'More or less' can be used to replace 'almost' because they mean the same thing. When you put 'streaking' after 'fire marks', you make the description come alive by painting a clearer picture. I'm assuming 'fire marks' are symbols revolving around fire. If they relate to burns in the case of a residential fire, 'burn marks' will be better. I pluralised 'odd shard of metal' and changed 'side' to 'walls' for the first correction. 'Side' sounds like you're speaking of the sides of the room and that can be replaced with 'walls' to avoid confusing people. Of course, 'odd shard of metal' would have to be pluralized to agree with 'walls'. I wasn't sure if by 'side', you meant the roof so, I added a second correction in the bracket. 'It' fits better if you're speaking of the roof.

Going to the description of wood, I wrote that the light danced along the graining not in it because when you use 'in', it makes it seem like the light is beneath the surface of the wood but if she can see it, it obviously isn't. So, it meanders along the graining of the wood like branches of a gigantic tree. For the second part where you said energy pulsed along the wood, I wrote that energy pulsed within the wood. From your description, the energy isn't quite visible and appears to come from inside of the wood which is why I changed the phrase. The 'decor' was changed to 'fixtures' because décor describes the entire design of the room. When you say darker décor, it means the entire design including the carpets falls on the darker end of the colour spectrum. Saying 'fixtures' separates the carpets and makes it clear that they're lighter in color.

I joined the first three parts together because they describe the room and all sentences relating to a single concept should be put together to avoid unnecessary pauses. I separated the last part because you're introducing the desks as a different concept.

Speaking on desks, I noticed you seem to have a problem with verb agreement. Plural verbs go with pluralized words and singular verbs go with singularized words. The same rule applies to every other aspect of sentence structure. 'Desks' should go with 'sides' not 'side'. 'Splashes' goes with 'carpets' otherwise you create an image of a large carpet being chopped into smaller pieces. I removed the 'a' before 'gold' to maintain the plural format of the sentences. You'll notice similar corrections to various parts of the excerpt. Maintaining one form for your words and verbs is important.

Lastly, someone can be reminded of something but can only remember something. So, you remind me of flowers but I remember flowers when I see you. You can't remind me flowers. I put 'expected' before 'perilous' to ensure the suspense in the story isn't tampered with. When you make 'perilous' definite, it can send the wrong message that everyone is going to struggle and most likely not make it. 'Expected' shows that it's going to be tough but leaves the question of who makes it.

Excerpt: It is here when both Connor Heslington and Macy Russells find out that . . .

Consider: It is here (where) both Connor Heslington and Macy Russells find out that . . .

'Here' deals with place and not time. So, I changed 'when' to 'where'. It is here where she fell in love is correct. It is here when she fell in love is incorrect. The 'where' was bracketed to show that it can be omitted without changing the structure of the sentence. It is here she fell in love.

Excerpt: . . . being easy on the eyes didn't simmer over the obvious asshole traits of a foul personality. It just made Macey snicker towards him.

Consider: . . . being easy on the eyes didn't conceal the obvious asshole-esque traits of a foul personality. It just made Macey snicker at him.

'Simmer' is a cookery term which means to let food heat slowly. It can't be used in this way. Even if it could, 'simmer' in the chosen context means that his good looks highlighted his foul personality. From deciphering 'simmer over' based on the way you used it, I can derive 'gloss over'. To gloss over something is to make something important seem unimportant. That doesn't seem suitable for the sentence. To gloss something is to make it appear attractive when it isn't or to give a false interpretation of it. That seems weird too. Therefore, conceal or hide slot in well. Both words send the same message without being out of place in the sentence. 'Asshole' is a noun. 'Asshole-esque' is an adjective which means 'like an asshole'. 'Asshole-esque' is formed by adding the '-esque' suffix to a word which usually isn't an adjective. Hence, 'tiger-esque' means 'like a tiger'. Do note that you snicker at someone or in their direction but you can't snicker towards them.

Excerpt: . . . and hums of rejoice.

Consider: . . . and hums of rejoicing or joyful hums.

Or: . . . and hums of jubilation or jubilant hums.

'Rejoice' is a verb. 'Rejoicing' is a noun. You can say 'hums of rejoicing' but not 'hums of rejoice'. I added the other corrections to give you other examples of how to correct this mistake.

Excerpt: Connor chuckled under his breath towards Macey. "Is fire that hard for you?"

Consider: Connor chuckled under his breath at Macey's actions.

"Is fire that hard for you?"

You chuckle at something or because of something. You don't chuckle towards it. Also, you can't chuckle at a person but at a situation or a person's condition or actions. That's why I changed 'towards' to 'at' and 'Macey' to 'Macey's actions'. You'll see that I started his words on another line. Quoted words should begin on another line. The exception to this is when actions affecting the quoted words precede or follow them.

For example: "I love you." He brushed Zenon's curls behind his ear and leaned in till they could breathe the same air -air as tense as the fragility surrounding them. Zenon caught his eyes with teary ones. "I really do, Zee."

The action in-between was significant to how his words were received by his companion, Zenon. Therefore, they can be lumped together.

Excerpt: He wasn't expelled and he can continue becoming the best student this institute ever saw.

Or: Now she's reading the elemental spells . . .

Consider: He wasn't expelled and he could continue becoming the best student this institute had ever seen.

Or: Now she was reading the elemental spells . . .

The story is written in the past tense. There were a handful of places where your tenses fluctuated as shown in the excerpt above. Your tenses should always be in the chosen tense for your story except in places where you deliberately change it. The past form of can is could; you got this right. I agree that 'ever saw' is in the past form. However, it's incorrect because when a story is written in the past tense, the past of the story will be in the past perfect tense. The past perfect tense uses verbs like 'had been' and 'had lied'. Hence, the past form of 'ever saw' is 'had ever seen'.

Excerpt: A deep grunt left her voice, thinking about how much Connor's face is so punchable and how much time she has to spend with him tonight.

Consider: A deep grunt escaped her. She couldn't help thinking of how punchable Connor's face was. To think she had to spend tonight with him!

In this correction, I wrote everything in past tense. When thoughts aren't quoted, write them in the same tense as the other sentences. 'Connor's face is so punchable' is not the same as 'she thought Connor's face was so punchable'. There's that variation in tense you have to maintain.

Excerpt: "Worse class ever!"

Consider: "Worst class ever!"

For the kind of phrase above, you use the superlative form of the adjective. You go from bad to worse to worst. Worse is the comparative form of bad while worst is the superlative form of bad. You can say he is worse than his brother but you can't say he is worst than his brother. That's why worse is the comparative form as it is used for comparisons. You can say this food is the worst I've ever tasted. That means there's nothing more terrible than that particular food. You can't say this food is the worse I've ever tasted. That leaves the question of 'worse than what?' because worse compares things.

Excerpt: Summoning her familiar to her side, the pair of them train together . . .

Consider: Summoning her familiar to her side, the pair train together . . .

"Of them" isn't necessary. Pair states that there are two people involved. You can only say something like 'the four of them' or 'the five of them'. There are other phrases that can replace 'the pair' such as 'the duo', 'the two' or 'the both'.

Punctuation and Errors: 3/5

I won't say much on punctuation because it was satisfactory. You have a good grasp of punctuation and you're not afraid to use different marks to get your points across. I'll just highlight some areas that need to be strengthened.

Excerpt: Macey Russells departs from the shower and ruffles her impossible to control hair.

Consider: Macey Russells departs from the shower and ruffles her impossible-to-control hair.

When words that aren't proper adjectives are used as adjectives, they should be joined by hyphens. You can say jet-black not jet black. Using hyphens ensures the arrangement of the sentence isn't scattered by tying the words together. Without them, I'm reading that she ruffles her impossible, her control, her to, her hair: basically, it's a jumble of words until you use hyphens.

Excerpt: Macey makes her way to a small spot she had found a few days ago, which she claims as her training spot.

Or: It was just a normal lecture hall, with a tinge of finesse.

Consider: Macey makes her way to a small spot she found a few days ago which she claimed as her training spot.

Or: It was just a normal lecture hall with a tinge of finesse.

There were many instances where you misplaced the positions of commas or placed commas where there shouldn't be any. Looking at the first excerpt above, there's no need for a comma before 'which' because the phrase 'which she . . .' describes the training spot even though it doesn't come immediately after 'spot'. Using a comma detached the description from the rest of the sentence and that's something that shouldn't be done. I removed 'had' before 'found' because this part of the story is written in present tense. The past should be written in simple past form not past perfect form: 'he lied', 'she sang', and so on. 'Claims' was changed to 'claimed' because she claimed the spot as hers in the past not at the present moment. For the second excerpt, I omitted the comma as it's not needed there. It describes the lecture hall so, don't separate it that way. It's like saying, 'he spoke to me, with a South African accent'.

Excerpt: . . . to conquer his first day at the institute; dressed to impress.

Consider: . . . to conquer his first day at the institute: dressed to impress.

'Dressed to impress' can't stand alone. It doesn't make proper sense unless added to a sentence. Colons (:) are used to join parts that don't make sense alone. Semi-colons (;) are used to join parts which can stand alone but speak of the same thing.

Excerpt: She mutters to herself one more minute.

Consider: She mutters to herself, "one more minute."

Or: She mutters to herself, one more minute.

It has to be clear that she spoke the words. That's why you have to put them in quotation marks. If she thought the words but didn't say them, the second correction is suitable.

Excerpt: While another one muttered, "Wow, the moon mage really looks like a potential . . .

Or: Breslin muttered. "Yes, you are . . .

Consider: While another one muttered, "wow, the moon mage really looks like a potential . . .

Or: Breslin muttered, "yes, you are . . .

In the first correction, you italicized the quoted words. I understand they were whispered but there's no need to put them in italics. Once you've used the verbal tag 'whispered', it's clear that the attached words were said in a hushed tone. For both corrections, I put commas before the quoted words. Verbal tags are those that deal with speech: 'he shouted', 'she ordered', and the rest. They have to be joined with commas to the quoted words attached to them. Also, you start the quoted words with a small letter not a capital letter. The exception is when you're beginning a new paragraph or sentence.

Excerpt: Macey threw her bag underneath the desk and sighed relief.

Consider: Macey threw her bag underneath the desk and sighed in relief.

Or: Macey threw her bag underneath the desk and released (or gave) a sigh of relief (or a relieved sigh).

A person can't sigh relief. A person or a person's looks can portray relief but sighing relief is impossible. However, you can sigh in relief or give a relieved sigh or give a sigh of relief or release a sigh of relief or release a relieved sigh. Following that pattern, you can release a frustrated yell or an ecstatic squeal.

Excerpt: Curling her eyebrows she turned to the guy who wanted to bitch at her and decided to stare daggers into him.

He's cute I'll give him that.

Consider: Curling her eyebrows, she turned to the guy who wanted to bitch at her and decided to stare daggers into him.

He's cute; I'll give him that.

'Curling her eyebrows' is a phrase; it can't stand alone. It's an adverbial phrase of manner which states how she reacted to his actions. She curled her eyebrows because of his hostile attitude. If you take out the phrase, you'll see that the sentence can make sense even without it. That shows that it modifies her reaction, gives it a clearer description so, it's just a qualifier to spice up your writing style. You'll have to attach it to your sentence with a comma. Also, you didn't punctuate a lot of their thoughts. Even thoughts have to be punctuated. I used a semi-colon because the second sentence relates to the first one. They both can stand alone; therefore, a semi-colon is used for such a purpose. 

Excerpt: . . . flowing a proficient dark green.

Consider: . . . flowing an effulgent (or a profulgent) dark green.

I think this was a spelling error. Proficient means skilled or fluent and that can't apply to a colour. Profulgent, though, means shining or brilliant. Profulgent fits in this case. However, it now considered an obsolete word. The recent form of it is effulgent which has the same meaning.

Excerpt: "This is the first day and I'm at risk of being expelled ?!?"

Consider: "This is the first day and I'm at risk of being expelled?!"

Or: "This is the first day and I'm at risk of being expelled!"

When using exclamation and question marks, you don't use more than one of either. That means you use one question mark or one exclamation mark. If you want to use the two, you use one question mark followed by one exclamation mark. Some people would say if you're using an exclamation mark and it's obviously a question, don't add a question mark. Feel free to choose any style you like but duplicating any of the marks isn't advisable. 

Narration: 3/5

Your story was written in third person multiple pov. So, you used she, he or they while fluctuating between characters for each chapter. That's a great technique I love. It gives readers the opportunity to see the story through different eyes. One thing I like is the fact that you didn't repeat whatever happened simply because you changed to a different character's pov. That's a rookie mistake you never want to make. Bravo for giving new content in every single chapter. You were able to keep the plot interesting by doing this. Inspite of how well you did here, there were one or two things I think could be better. I'll offer suggestions and matching explanations below.

Excerpt: Appearing in front of the class was a giant pyramid that glowed an ominous orange and green and had 10 sigils scattered amongst it.

Consider: Breslin stretched a weathered hand out, palm turned downwards. His spread fingers twitched as his lips moved with no sound. The sound of leaves rustling filled the classroom and a triangle bearing an inscribed circle materialised on the ground before him. Rays of light sputtered out of the shape, turning every which way like indecisive children. He lifted his arm, pulling his fingers together. The errant rays converged to a point. A rumbling emanated from the ground; then, a pyramid clawed its way out. He stepped back to accommodate the sheer size of the summoned object. The rays jumped from one colour to another until they settled on an intermittent orange and green hue. From her seat, Macey could see sigils, no less than ten, engraved into various parts of the pyramid.

I like how you twist magical elements into the story without making a big fuss of it. I do understand your desire to keep it mellow. Despite that, it's possible to make fetching water from a well with nothing but your mind a magical experience –I mean magical in the sense that you can make it fascinating for readers. What I wanted to show here is how much more vivid you can make a scene by paying attention to certain details. Macey wasn't shocked by it so, that veil of normalcy is maintained yet readers will have more to sink their teeth into. You don't have to be so descriptive for everything. Perhaps, a few every now and then to make the scenes as real as can be. Lest I forget, I wrote 'no less than ten' because we're seeing what happens through Macey's eyes. It's a pyramid so, she can see all sides of it without moving around. It wasn't stated that she moved or that the pyramid was transparent or rotating. Therefore, she could see only one or two sides. She couldn't tell the exact number of sigils. It's best to iron out even the smallest details like this one.

Excerpt: With pressed lips and crossed arms, Macey knew deep down inside she was being melodramatic. Looking around the room she saw other water mages and sages having a go, even ice. Taking a deep breath in she sighed and flaunted a shy smile.

Consider: With pressed lips and crossed arms, Macey suppressed an exasperated sigh. Her hands dropped from her precious hair to hold themselves behind her back. She really didn't want to practice any fire arts at the moment. The professor hadn't stopped staring at her, his brow now lifted in a gesture of impatience she ached to ignore. Her eyes drifted around the room to distract her mind from his unforgiving gaze. Other water mages and sages were having a go; even ice users were getting in on the action. Perhaps, she was being melodramatic. She had done this before, after all. It wouldn't be so troublesome, right? Taking a deep breath, she unclasped her hands and managed a hesitant smile. 

Here, I addressed the problem of arriving to conclusions. This is something everyone struggles with, believe me. It's that tiny thorn in your flesh you don't notice; then, when you do, it's hell to remove. Readers want to follow the thought processes of your characters and arrive at their own conclusions before being given the characters' conclusions. Writing exactly what the characters thought before settling on a particular reason for doing something -or an explanation for their actions- will carry your readers along. I asked myself why exactly she thought she was melodramatic. I just thought she was touchy about an experience and I couldn't understand why her explanation for her unwillingness to participate differed from mine. You never want readers to be left in the lurch so, take your time for such instances.

Excerpt: Deeply exhaling, Macey was down for a bite to eat and looked down at her watch. Macey had four hours left till she could eat which was way too long to wait.

Consider: Deeply exhaling, she was down for a bite to eat and looked down at her watch. The mage had four hours left till she could eat which was way too long to wait.

You tended to repeat names or pronouns like he and she. Spicing up your narrative style with different pronouns is advisable. Macey is a mage, a female, and many other terms you can use to avoid being repetitive. Breslin is a professor, a male, a sage and so on.

Excerpt: Luckily Macey was able to step to the side to avoid the flurry, planning on launching another attack against him, this time it was water. However the first attack was sent towards Breslin who –with ease– was able to melt the ice. But looking at his face he was not pleased at the conflict between Macey and Connor that exploded.

Consider: Macey sidestepped to avoid the flurry. Ankle rattling with the sudden change, she cursed, struggling to maintain her balance. Flipping fool on a flying futon. She would kill him. Her mind was moving at a mile a minute as she conjured more ice to her fingers. Icicles swept by her, some scratching her skin, leaving blood behind. Her own weapons had hurt her. Connor cracked his knuckles in preparation of an attack. Tendrils of flame stretched across his arms. She swung her hand out. A little ball shot out of her grip. It sucked up the moisture in the air, fattening up as it travelled towards her target. The fire sage swivelled out of the way and her heart dropped. Breslin stood there, staring at the approaching missile. The professor lifted his hand. Sparks danced over his palm and a wall of fire emerged. It evaporated the ice on impact and steam surrounded them. Macey straightened up, coughing away the heat that had travelled down her throat. She shivered when a cool draft of air began to blow around them. Connor had gone quiet while staring at her with a hardened expression. The haze of steam retreated to reveal Breslin ending an air spell. A little tornado sucked up the rest of the steam and sunk into his glowing belly. He rubbed his hands on his shirt, his deep scowl set on the volatile duo. His face had reddened and she doubted it was caused by exerting energy to use his magic. She could guess he wasn't happy about their confrontation.

A rusty example but oh well, a writer always thinks so. I think it's clear enough to explain what I'm trying to say here. Throwing action into the middle of a scene is a good technique for maintaining the tension in a story. Notwithstanding, I think you should have taken your time with it and explained some more. This was a fun opportunity to make things interesting and it felt rushed. Action should be fast-paced but when it comes to laying down the sequence of the fight, take things slower -not slow just slower than you did in the excerpt. It will make your mind work harder and help with creating powers as I had to do. I couldn't tell what really happened so, I pictured it in my mind and added a few extras. Not everyone will have the time or will to do the same. Readers shouldn't have to make up parts of the fight scene. It should be clear for them.

Excerpt: Swivelling through the stony halls and out the door into the courtyard, Macey's sneaker comes in contact with a tree root, sighing at what was about to come.

Consider: Trudging through the stony halls and out the door into the courtyard, Macey rounded on her victim, the nearest tree. Her sneaker clad foot rammed into the root with a crunch she had expected to be satisfying. It wasn't. The frustrated female shoved her hands into her pockets as she huffed at what was about to come.

Here, we analyze the impact of words. When you say she swivelled through the halls, it's like you're saying she twirled through them. Twirling one's body is associated with happiness, joy or excitement. She obviously wasn't happy about the upcoming class so, swivelling sounds out of place. Trudging is a slow, heavy walk because you're angry, frustrated, sad or tired. I think that explains her state of mind better. The following sentences show the same change in context to ensure her anger is portrayed well. Sighing sounds gentler than huffing. 'Came into contact with' sounds gentler than 'rammed into'. When showing emotions, use words that show similar emotions.

OVERALL SCORE: 22/35

We're done with another one. This was a lot of fun to do. Although, I think I went overboard. I do talk a lot, after all. Your story is great and is different from a lot of urban fantasies I've read. Keep up the good work. I hope this review was helpful. If you have any questions or thoughts, feel free to voice them. Thank you for patronising us.