Title: Script [Forest] 

Author: ItsKatthological

Reviewer: lordedarylene

Title: 4/5

The title is as strange as the cover and I've always loved strange things. I love when it's hard to decipher a title because that intensifies my desire to read the story. I can't give an accurate interpretation of this title. It's just so unpredictable that I can't say, in exact terms, what it'll be about. But if I do dig deeper, the first word reminds me of a situation where you make characters that live fictional loves as can be seen in a play or drama. They have certain made-up societal norms that guide their behaviors and they probably live in a fictional world. That's how most dramas are so, it's not hard to arrive at such a conclusion. However, when I get to the second word, I'm stumped. You basically threw me off a moving train before my destination. I'm lost now. What would a forest have to do with this story? Perhaps, this fictional world is set in a forest or jungle, or a place close to a forest. I have no idea, and I absolutely love it when I have no idea what's going to happen in a story. There's so many ways this story can go. I'm eager to find out.

I flipped through the first few pages and my assumptions were close to the truth. Now, I'm hyped to read this book. Before I continue, I did notice something a little off with the title. After reading the summary and the map, I realised the title now appears a little confusing. It's a good title yet it now seems less appealing than it initially was. The first thing that itches the wrong way is the fact that 'forest' is bracketed. The name of the forest is the 'script forest' so, I don't see the need to put the second word in brackets. Maybe that's to show that 'forest' isn't important and can be omitted without ruining the name of the place. Still, the brackets aren't quite needed after seeing the map. It's the 'script forest', after all. Bracketing it is like someone writing the 'Amazon (Forest)'. Looks a little odd, right? I would suggest taking out the brackets. If you don't want to do that, there is a way to keep them while eliminating the confusion they cause. I think adding 'of Noqi' to 'forest' gives the latter a flair that will make it stand out well. That says that Script is not just a forest but the forest of Noqi. Compare the current title and a title like 'Script (forest of Noqi)'. We could both agree that the second produces more intrigue. People will start to wonder what Noqi is. It also gives room for the touch of fantasy the story appears to have.

Cover: 3.5/5

Your cover just screams originality. This was a cover crafted around your story not an image adapted to fit it. Well done for going out of your way to give us something like this. It was obviously made with your story in mind.

I'm judging your cover first so, I haven't seen the summary yet. That usually messes up my headspace when reviewing. The first thing that stands out is obviously the stag posturing proudly in the middle of your cover. If that doesn't exude importance, I don't know what does. I love that you picked one element from the story to pass across a strong message. I'm not sure what the message is but I do know this creature plays a significant role in the plot. It could either be relevant to a particular character or the plot. Whichever option it turns out to be, I'm loving this effect chosen to highlight the creature. Said effect makes me think of a game or animation. I have seen them being made and this stag is portrayed in one of the phases the pixelated creatures pass through. Am I right in assuming your story will revolve around a game or animation? I don't know but I love the image.

Another aspect of your cover I like is the color palette used. You stuck to yellow and black. When using colors that usually don't mix, you're advised to stick to the barest minimum. You took that advice and it turned out well. Alternating between both colors ensured your cover didn't turn out messy. I also like the way you separated certain areas with boxes. That was beautiful. It's a subtle detail yet one that made a huge difference.

Despite the good elements this cover possesses, there are one or two areas that made me think twice. The first would be those boxes on either side of the title. I love them but I'm not a fan of the squiggly lines inside them. If they were meant to represent something, I have no idea what they represent. At first, I thought flames; then, I couldn't get what they meant. Perhaps, the silhouette or outline of trees or mountains would be better. That relates better to the title and won't look out-of-place on the cover. If they weren't meant to represent anything, they're supposed to be an artistic touch that fell short of the mark. It has to be clear they have no meaning and simply enhance the aesthetic quality of the cover. I think a pattern would be better like swirls. That way, readers won't get confused.

The author's name made me pause for two reasons. The white color used for it doesn't fit in with the palette for the rest of the cover. It makes the bottom a tad bit messy. I didn't notice it till I clicked on the larger copy of the cover. I know some folks would say it breaks the monotony but sometimes, less is more. That saying certainly applies here. Yellow would look a lot better.

Lastly, the font size for the author's name and title knocked off some points. It's advisable to make the author's name smaller than you did especially smaller than the title. Here, it's bigger than the title which is something people avoid. The title should be the boldest font on the cover. Yours doesn't look bold enough. A bigger font size would make it stand out more. Reducing the font size of the author's name will also help with that. It doesn't have to be so small that we need a microscope to see it but smaller than what's currently being used.

Apart from that, I like this cover.

Summary: 4/5

The first good point here is your grammar. Your sentences are well structured. There are no spelling errors. To top it off, your punctuation is impeccable. One way to chase readers away is making mistakes right from the summary. That gives off the impression of a lazy author. I'm glad you didn't do that.

I like how you delved right into the juicy part of the summary by starting with the game. That's sure to reel readers in. You also navigated important issues well, for the most part. You introduced Reese at the right moment without giving away too much about her. The same goes for her friends and the world around them. You were able to hold back those compelling details while delivering an impactful summary. What we needed to know about them, we knew. What should be revealed in the storyline, we didn't know. That's how to give a proper sneak-peek. Bravo, dearie.

Although, the same can't be said for the game. I do love that you began the summary with it; nonetheless, I don't like that you continued with the game. What do I mean? That second paragraph reveals too much about the game. That's something that should only be revealed in the story. It kills a lot of the suspense that was needed in the first five chapters I read. The controversy surrounding the game's release is something that will create a spicy plot twist in the story. You could reveal that in later parts of the story. If you don't want to do that, it's a great prologue. Imagine a scenario where two professionals are arguing about the release: one being against it and the other (the boss) for it. Then, the boss shuts the reluctant partner up, overlooking the potential consequences in favor of gaining money. We don't even need to know it's the game. They could argue in cryptic terms. That's a great mood-setter, don't you think? In addition, you'll notice that if you omit that part, it doesn't ruin the flow of the summary; rather, it removes the pause before Reese's introduction and adds a great dose of mystery to the mix.

The last thing I suggest you omit is the rhetorical question at the end of the summary. It's not necessary because it reiterates what has already been stated. We know it's not going to be a standard game from earlier sentences so, there's no need to ask us if it is. That takes away the effect of finding out the game is something more sinister than expected.

Character Development: 8/10

Let's start with the protagonist, Reese. She's a very realistic persona and that makes her quite likeable. She doesn't fit into any stereotypes because she's her own person. Her likes and dislikes aren't banal. I love how they seem to be a mixture rather than a definite group. They aren't what you would expect of a cliché female protagonist. Similarly, she has an unpredictable behavior especially when it comes to her reactions to some situations. That's how to make an original character.

I'm not sure I can call Connor the antagonist because the entire cast hasn't been introduced. He doesn't even seem to be against her. He's more of a limitation: a stumbling block to overcome. I'll just settle for saying he's the opposer. Adding him gave the cast a great boost. No one wants a story where everyone is made of vanilla and sunshine. That's not real life. There will be bad people. Connor's a representation of that hard truth. I love how his possessiveness is portrayed: the way he acts like he owns not just her but her world and everything in-between. He truly believes he's in the right. He's Connor, after all. He can never be wrong. That's the vibe he gives off. Well done for showcasing it properly.

I do have a suggestion pertaining to him. It's nice that he's the way he is. Inspite of that, I feel like we weren't given enough of the other side of his personality. How do I mean? Controlling people are bad. Yes, you know that. I know that. Everyone knows that. Controlling people never know they're bad while the people they hurt are always the last to know. I would have loved a more gradual change that could constitute a character arc for Connor. He doesn't have to start off good or stop being a pain. He should remain as he is but some good characteristics should be introduced. When he does one or two good things for Reese, we're given a good reason to give him the benefit of a doubt as Reese must have done at some point. It'll explain why she didn't realise how terrible he was until they got to this bad point where she's even scared of leaving. No one starts a relationship with an abusive person. There must have been some good she was drawn to.

Chandler: doting Chandler. I'm really loving the tension he brings into the plot in terms of his affection for Reese, and ability to stir trouble due to his strong-headedness. I won't be surprised if he gets into some nasty situations in the future in a bid to protect her. He's very endearing. Every story has one character everybody just has to like. Chandler is that loveable character in your story.

The story is written from Reese's pov but it's quite surprising that he's the most developed character so far. That's another thing I like about him. It's easy to tell who he is because he's so bold that you must notice his quirks. He doesn't back down from a fight whether emotional or physical. You bring him down, he'll rise right back up. He's a bonus that brightens your cast. In addition, he's a character that has the potential to fuel many changes in the plot. Such characters are very important. I would love to see how his actions affect the story.

His most important role is highlighting Reese's weaknesses. This brings me to the aspect of strengths and weaknesses. I like how he and Reese contradict each other: not conspicuously yet not vaguely. An example is when she was scared of cutting her hair even after deciding to shorten it. That showed her indecisiveness. Chan contradicts this trait by being the picture of decisiveness. If he sets out to do something, he sees it through to the end. Another example is her inability to break things off with Connor. Chan provides a good contrast by practically being ready to end things on her behalf. The list goes on. It's a great technique to shed more light on your characters.

I won't say much about the minor characters. I'll need to digest more chapters to be able to dissect their personalities. Nonetheless, I will say that I like how realistic they all are. Her mom forgot where her phone was in a haste to leave. Every mom goes through that. Her brother made childish mistakes that were quite adorable like coloring water red. Toddlers always do that. Her other brother, Kai, appears to be on an escape of sorts to achieve a semblance of independence all young adults want. What's more relatable than the things I've stated? Portraying characters this way allows your readers to connect to them properly.

Plot Development: 10/10

I just wanted to say this story was an invigorating read. You kept me intrigued right from the start to the last word of the last chapter. I know it's not finished; it's only just begun. Still, I can tell it's going to turn out magnificently.

You initiated and terminated chapters well which was the first thing I noticed. The sentences you chose for this effect were weighty in the sense that they carried deeper meanings: connotations that held promises of bigger secrets to come. There's nothing more satisfying than a chapter that ends with enough substance to digest. I guess it's like a perfect ending to a wonderful day. Everything went smoothly in each chapter; then, we got special treats to walk away with. That was great. It's a sure way to keep readers coming back for more.

Your plot hasn't reached a turning point; however, you've set obstacles to catalyse impending plot twists. These obstacles come in the form of the emotional conflict the protagonist faces. I love how you introduced her problems subtly. Of course, you made them clear but you kept them a little vague to maintain suspense. Who doesn't love a little suspense? You give a hook to bait us and leave us to fester in the ensuing mystery. If there's one element every story needs, it's suspense. I'm eager to see how she will solve these internal issues as the story progresses.

What's even better about your conflict presentation is what I term association. This is where the sweet vagueness comes in. Her emotional problems weren't stated directly. We associated her experiences with certain emotions to arrive at some conclusions. This is yet another way to keep readers engaged. We're doing some of the work here, playing detective without even knowing it. You used her experiences to showcase these problems; then, showed her thoughts. The major difference you have from other wattpad books I've read is that you let us connect the dots. One example of this kind of scenario is her volatile relationship with Julian. We were able to realise how controlling he is through his actions. We got how she was affected through her actions and thoughts. Nonetheless, there's enough of a gap between both ends to leave some suspense. I get that she's very scared of him but I have to wonder why because she seems like a bold person. I have to wonder why she sinks into a shell around him -as opposed to her interactions with Chandler- because there's still that behavioral gap to explore in following chapters. I love that.

Bringing up Chandler in the previous paragraph reminded me of another aspect of your plot development I love: contrast. You highlighted the severity of some occurrences or behaviors by writing counter-scenes that focused on the opposites of these occurrences. Consider her attitude when she met up with her friends in school. She was subdued and had to swallow her thoughts. Now, consider her interaction with her family where she didn't have to walk around eggshells or pretend. For the second example, consider Julian's suffocating influence on her. Now, consider how uplifted she is around Chandler. Studying the two scenarios I just mentioned, you'll notice how they contradict themselves in such a way that they become more pronounced. You did this in a handful of places and I encourage that.

Focusing on your plot concepts, I won't say much because I don't know what the main concept is. It'll be clear as more chapters are posted. For now, I have to consider all the concepts I've encountered minor concepts. You brought a mishmash of various issues to the table and I'm glad you did. That gave the story a good backbone.

There's the problem mixed folks face; a problem which is becoming noticeable in recent times. It's an issue many people overlook. I'm happy you chose it for one of your concepts. Then, you have the abusive relationship. I love how uncertain their future together is right now. She needs to cut him loose yet I don't know if she'll be able to. You compounded this by adding the best friend syndrome. Having a best friend who's in love with you only complicates things further. This also spices up the plot with that special touch of unrequited love that many readers unconsciously crave. Even their potential future as a couple is uncertain. I'm sure you're going to have readers shipping them soon.

The plot concept I would love to explore is the game. Well, I wouldn't call the game itself a concept; rather, a concept revolves around it. I have no idea what's going to go wrong. Anything could go haywire. Boy am I itching to know! The impending doom is amplified by the kind of game it is. Bravo for picking a virtual reality game where players literally live the lives of their avatars. I was expecting a system that includes a keyboard or gamepad. Instead, I got a game I've been wishing for since my birth. They actually traversed the barrier of normal human existence and took on virtual personas that could feel and taste. That's a gaming sanctuary right there. My geek-esque tendencies aside, this kind of game leaves an abundance of possibilities. I'm even dreading how this could turn out.

Honestly, I don't have any complaints about your plot. We could be here all day praising your book. You're doing very well so far. If you can keep up this pace and style of delivery, you'll nail this story.

Vocabulary and Sentence Structure: 3/5

Firstly, your vocabulary is great. I almost had no corrections to proffer under the aspect of vocabulary. Even the single one I suggested has no grammatical errors. You tried to use fresh words frequently and that kept your writing interesting. Your delivery of words was colorful, to say the least. I'm quite pleased with your grasp of the English language. The main problem in this section was sentence structure. I noticed a major issue in so many areas. It's an error everyone commits but not one that can be overlooked.

Excerpt: It takes only seconds to bleed black streaks on asphalt streets.

The blunt perched between my lips takes even less time to spark up.

A stark white sign suggests a careful speed of twenty-five but Asher is a speed machine. Thirty-five seems more appropriate.

Or: . . . my sacred place now seems like the cleaning isle in every grocery store hardly makes it worth it.

A quick shower offers me a more invigorating redolence of Warm Vanilla Sugar and removes any stubborn traces of weed.

Two bundles of fur cut through my legs and down the . . .

Consider: It takes only seconds to bleed black streaks on asphalt streets. The blunt perched between my lips takes even less time to spark up. A stark white sign suggests a careful speed of twenty-five but Asher is a speed machine. Thirty-five seems more appropriate.

Or: . . . my sacred place now seems like the cleaning isle in every grocery store hardly makes it worth it. A quick shower offers me a more invigorating redolence of Warm Vanilla Sugar and removes any stubborn traces of weed.

Two bundles of fur cut through my legs and down the . . .

Above is a recurring glitch throughout the story. Now, I do know that for the first excerpt, the first sentence was seperated intentionally. You did that in the other chapters. That's fine. Notwithstanding, I did join it to the second sentence to show a problem I saw in other places. Even when these sentences weren't beginning the chapters, they were broken up. Perhaps to emphasize them or something of that nature. I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that spacing out sentences this way doesn't look good. Joining them doesn't diminish the feelings they evoke. They're written well enough that they could be in the middle of a lengthy paragraph and still shock readers.

The second excerpt focuses on a slightly different problem. There were places where you broke off paragraphs at inappropriate times. A good example is highlighted above. If the sentences relate to a single issue, they should be in a single paragraph. If a new issue is introduced, it should be in a different paragraph. The way you cut off paragraphs is very important. The fact that you're bringing up a new idea in a new paragraph has to be very clear; otherwise, people will get confused. Above, the first two parts I joined together deal with the smell of her room. It's a transition from not liking the smell to scenting a better one. Both parts deal with the same issue so, they should be together. The last part introduces her pets which is obviously different from the rest. Therefore, it's started on another paragraph as you already did.

Punctuation and Errors: 4/5

Your punctuation was satisfactory. You made minimal errors and showed good use of punctuation marks in numerous situations. There were a few problems I took note of but they were the usual. Everyone makes these kinds of mistakes. Even though I stated them, they weren't enough to disrupt the flow of the story and they were very few. As for the aspect of errors, you deserve a standing ovation. There were no errors in your stories. If there were; perhaps, one or two. Your spelling was faultless and you didn't misplace any words.

Excerpt: . . . essence of oregano and freshly made pasta sauce welcomes us, a figurative finger beckoning us towards the kitchen.

Consider: . . . essence of oregano and freshly made pasta sauce welcomes us: a figurative finger beckoning us towards the kitchen.

Without considering the meaning of the excerpt above, there's nothing wrong with it. The problem arises when you derive the meaning. 'Figurative' means the finger isn't actually there; the finger is metaphorical. That leaves the question of what you're metaphorizing. You're stating that the aroma from the kitchen is a metaphorical finger beckoning them over. Using a comma separates this description from what it describes. It's like you're introducing the finger as a different entity. A colon is better for this purpose. It's used to join a part that makes no sense on its own to the rest of a sentence. In addition, it's used to describe words or phrases as shown above.

For example: . . . the tantalizing aroma welcomes us, a siren calling our names.

Consider: . . . the tantalizing aroma welcomes us: a siren calling our names.

The first part makes some people wonder where the siren comes into the sentence while the second part makes it clear the siren describes the tantalizing aroma.

Excerpt: "Maybe if you invited me over, she wouldn't have to," Chan whispers the joke between us, prompting a curt roll of my eyes.

Or: "Maybe if you invited me over, she wouldn't have to." Chan whispers the joke between us, prompting a curt roll of my eyes.

You only separate quoted words from a sentence when they are preceded or succeeded by verbal tags. 'whispers' is part of a verbal tag like 'he whispers' or 'Chan whispers'. Despite that, when you make it an action, you can't use a comma anymore. Adding '. . . the joke between . . .' makes it an action not a verbal tag. So, a full stop is better. If you say, 'Chan whispers, prompting a curt roll of my eyes.', you can use a comma because the verbal tag remains a verbal tag.

Excerpt: . . . over Naomi's almond colored arm. It's for me. "I finished your dress for the play. I know . . ."

Consider: . . . over Naomi's almond colored arm. It's for me.

"I finished your dress for the play. I know . . ."

You're allowed to start quoted words in the same paragraph as actions or thoughts. However, these actions or thoughts must relate directly to the quoted words. Above, the words do relate to Reese's observation. But when you consider the fact that Naomi was the one speaking, and for the first time, there's a disjoint. If the quoted words had been Reese's, they would have fit in properly. Here, they just didn't. Those words can be considered Naomi's verbal introduction into the plot. It's like your character describes someone; then, this someone says hi in the same paragraph. That doesn't fit just as Naomi's words can't be grouped with Reese's thoughts.

Excerpt: And of course dinner just wouldn't be dinner if father didn't bring up my crumbling relationship with my boyfriend Julian.

Or: If he wasn't such a loser I might have actually laughed.

Consider: And of course, dinner just wouldn't be dinner if father didn't bring up my crumbling relationship with my boyfriend, Julian.

Or: If he wasn't such a loser, I might have actually laughed.

I noticed commas were omitted where they were needed, although, not all the time. There were instances when commas could have been used where they weren't really important. You didn't use them there. That's encouraged because it shows that you know how to punctuate well. Still, there were areas where they were required and weren't used.

Let's consider the first excerpt. 'of course' is another way of saying 'yes' or 'surely' even though it has a broader usage. There are times when a comma isn't used after the phrase while there are times when a comma is used. Usually, if it precedes a pronoun, there's no need for a comma. 'dinner' can't be considered a pronoun so, a comma would be advisable there. I put a comma after 'boyfriend' to show that the following name applies to 'boyfriend'. Without that comma, 'Julian' becomes a misplaced word. It's similar to saying, 'my servile butler Chase'. People will wonder what 'Chase' means there. Do you mean an actual chase or a person? When you say, 'my servile butler, Chase', it's clear what you mean.

In the second excerpt, you used the phrase 'if he wasn't such a loser'. This phrase asks the question of what will happen if Chan wasn't a loser; therefore, it's an adverbial phrase. Adverbial phrases always ask various questions from those of time to those of manner. Once there's a pause that prompts a question in a person's head, it's an adverbial phrase. They must always be separated from the sentence with a comma unless in a situation where they end a sentence. If they appear in the middle of a sentence, you put commas before and after them.

Narration: 4/5

You used first person pov for your narration with Reese as your main character. I love how you start your sentences. You know how to use words to eliminate the limitations of this pov. Usually, it's hard to describe situations because of the pronouns you're restricted to. That doesn't seem to affect you. You basically weave sentences together however you please and they turn out great. Bravo. The best part is your use of metaphors like where you attributed her guilt in the fourth chapter to the weight of Chan's coat around her shoulders. Adding these little touches gives your narrative voice an identity that's solely yours. I do have one or two things to state concerning the improvement of your narration.

Excerpt: I reach to scratch him behind the ear and he swats my hand away with a hiss that probably translates for me to go fuck myself. What an angel.

My bed beckons me away from my pets and I embrace it without hesitation.

The case from my game rests atop my bedside table and I reach for it while twisting my new necklace between my fingers. I come to the conclusion that whoever developed VR is a genius.

Why bother with your own miserable reality when you can just make a new one?

Consider: I reach to scratch him behind the ear. Monty swipes his claws at me as he releases a hiss that probably translates for me to go fuck myself. I yank my hand back, giving him an unimpressed stare. He purrs in satisfaction and stretches his back. What an angel. Well, don't mind if I leave, your feline Highness.

The exhaustion from an eventful day settles in as I ascend the stairs. My room seems a reprieve from the aches presenting themselves in my joints like obnoxious salesmen at our door. You don't want them but they show up anyway. My eyes set on the smooth sheets adorning my bed. I can't help a relieved sigh. Tossing my sweater off, I embrace their cottony arms with joy.

It takes only a few seconds of idle breathing to understand that sleep has decided to abandon me. More like Connor has refused to release me. The memories of yesterday keep pushing through the numbing barriers I've set up. A shudder races through me, the ghost of his bruising hold sending tingles across my side. My hand rises to the chain around my neck as though my subconscious knows where or who I always draw support from. Still, the shudder turns into a shiver that rattles my heart and raises goosebumps on my skin. I can feel the burn of his nails now. Even thinking of Chandler's encouraging gestures don't help.

I flip onto my back, looking around my room for a distraction. A dull gleam from my bedside table draws my attention. It's the case of my game highlighted by the sun's rays bouncing off it. Sitting up, I grab it while twisting my new necklace between my fingers. My sight skims the words on the back and an unidentifiable ease washes over me. The smile that graces my mouth must rival the shine of the deer kissing my sternum. Whoever developed VR is a genius. In my hands is an escape from all this anguish I've been enduring. I can be whoever I want wherever I want. It'll be like taking a hot bath after strenuous workout. No, not like but better. I can make a place he will never break into. A home he can never taint. My smile stretches into a grin. Why bother with my own miserable reality when I can create a new one?

Here, I wanted to show the problem of telling which occurred in the story. You're doing well by avoiding the repetition of 'I' especially when starting sentences. That's a major sign that you're telling even when showing would be better. However, there are other less noticeable signs that you're telling when you shouldn't. Let's look at the excerpt above. She's describing her environment a lot more than her thoughts. That's telling. I like the fact that the words are poetic but the way they're laid out makes the scene feel detached from our connection to her emotions. Her bed beckons her, the case rests, she reaches, she arrives at a conclusion, and so on. We're not seeing the story through her eyes. Imagine you're in her shoes and write as you would experience things while adding a touch of your emotions or thoughts. It'll feel a lot less emotionally detached. As a bonus, you'll be forced to show more than tell as emotions can't be seen; they have to be shown.

Excerpt: I tell her she should sell them but she's content with just making them for family and friends. A kiss and hug later and I'm cruising once more.

Consider: I dally in the kitchen to wrap up the treasures I pilfered off the tray on the chipped island. The lemony scent invades my nostrils and it's only right I acknowledge the beauty of the treats laid out before me. I snag one, popping it into my mouth before tying up the rest. The beeping from my watch tells me I'm running late. My feet hurry towards the door but a weathered palm grabs my elbow. Grandma stands there with a soft smile.

"I see you took some souvenirs."

She quirks an eyebrow as amusement makes her dull eyes twinkle. There's no need hiding the evidence soiling my hands and mouth. I shrug, dusting my hands on my shirt.

"I can't resist your lemon bars."

"You never could."

She gives a raspy laugh. Her hands join the fight to make me look presentable; a feat I consider impossible yet I let her arrange my curls and clothes. Grandma has a heart too big for her dainty frame. She's always looking for the next person to fix either physically or otherwise. Her gaze drops to the foil shoved into my bag. I push it down some more, turning away slightly like she'll steal it. Another laugh escapes her.

"They aren't gold."

"They're better. You should seriously sell them, Ma."

Pulling my coat around my shoulders, she ushers me through the doorframe. She shakes her head in lieu of a response to my suggestion.

"I'm serious. You'll be rich."

"It's just for family and friends, Ree. You know that."

She clicks her tongue when my chest puffs up in preparation of a protest. This stubborn woman will never change her stance on this issue. With her skills, she should have a shop. My watch beeps again. Dad will be waiting. We'll have to call this one a ceasefire.

"As you wish, Ma."

I lean down, tugging her into our customary goodbye hug. She presses a kiss to my temple and shoos me off the porch. Her attentive eyes watch as I get in my car to make sure I'm safe. It's a good neighborhood but that has never stopped her from looking out for us.

In this correction, I don't have a problem with the excerpt, at least not the same problem I have with the previous excerpt. There's nothing wrong with how it was written. I simply want to use it for a suggestion. I wasn't happy with how brief her interactions with minor characters were. Minor characters are important to break the monotony of always being in the lives of the major characters. Learning more about her grandma would have been a nice distraction from the usual. You can even use it as an opportunity to develop the personalities of the minor characters.

OVERALL SCORE: 40.5/50

This was very satisfying. I enjoyed this story. You're quite talented and I can't wait to see how far you can take this story. It's obvious you have a great plot planned. This story can only get better. If there are any questions or complaints you have, please, do let me know. Thank you for choosing our community.