Title: Beauty of Wrath

Author: hiatuskh

Reviewer: lordedarylene

Title: 5/5

The title is quite haunting. It's stayed in my head since you applied for a review. This is the kind of title that leaves a lasting impact even if the summary hasn't been read. I love the paradoxical quality it possesses. What can I say? I'm addicted to paradoxes and oxymorons. At first glance, the words that were used seem simple enough to decipher. The simplicity only makes them that more addictive. They look easy to interprete; then, I try to break them down as a whole and I'm left speechless. I always have something to say but in this case, I'm stunned. That's how brilliant this title is. Wrath is not a pretty thing at all. It consumes one whole with a ruthlessness that leaves nothing behind. It's an emotion many are advised to stay away from because it rules over you and makes you it's puppet. Yet, you've made a name that suggests a hidden beauty in the darkness 'wrath' represents. That is just beautiful and holds the same allure a stereotypical bad boy does. You know it's bad but you want to learn more about it. What is even more beautiful is that the confusion arises when I try to pinpoint what that beauty can be. What sort of loveliness can we get from rage? I have no idea. Perhaps, this beauty speaks of the human left behind after being ravaged by its force: someone who has been wizened by experiences brought on by anger. But we both know such people are usually broken afterwards: survivors not winners. There's nothing beautiful about that unless we want to be poetic. The only other form I can think of is someone wielding anger like a metaphorical weapon to escape enemies. That gives me a jolt where it matters. It leaves a wide range of interpretations to focus on. Could it be an orphan finally taking life by the reins after losing a dear friend? Or a child avenging its mother's death? I really don't know which direction this title points at yet I know it'll be amazing. Left, right, up, down: wherever it goes, there's something great to work on. Every interpretation of the title leaves me hungering for more. When you've achieved this effect, you've hit the bull's-eye. This is a gorgeous title.

Cover: 4/5

The cover is absolutely stunning. I give you a round of applause for the overall effect achieved with this work of art. I took a look at it and just stopped moving for a couple seconds. That's the kind of reaction it provokes. Whoever picked it knows the importance of correlation between the title and cover. It goes so well with the title that I'm pleasantly shocked or as youngsters would say, 'I'm shooketh'. It's beyond brilliant.

The most striking part of this cover is the image, of course. That's the first aspect that caught my eye. When I study the image, I see the desolation around her which can represent the ruin wrath can birth. It destroys everything in its path as shown in that picture. There was nothing left to hold onto. She looked like she was caught in the line of fire yet prevailed in such a way that she began to lead the tirade. She basically took control of the destruction around her and became its driving force. The haze of smoke drifting out of her mouth tied the entire picture together. She's become one with the very thing people avoid. Perhaps, she even started it. It's just magnificent. The most interesting part of this is how beautiful this image is. Even though it shows an ugly occurrence, it's stunning. It fits the title so well! This is truly the beauty of wrath.

I like the placement of words on the cover. The title was centred as it should be while the author's name was written along the bottom. I also love the phrase tacked on above the title. Every word stands out in a manner that balances its neighbours out. Speaking on color, I have no complaints. You picked the classic dark background and light font for yours, and you executed it perfectly. Using light colors for the words made them stand out without being exaggerated. Most of the little details were handled meticulously.

The only suggestion I have for the cover is to reduce the size of the author's name. It's usually much smaller than the one you used. The author's name shouldn't be so bold so that it doesn't compete with the image or title. The red lines beneath the name should be removed. They seem misplaced when the cover is considered as a whole. They just don't suit the cover. Putting red lines there could give the impression that the cover was cropped badly; thereby, leaving lines that weren't meant to be there. Apart from that, bravo.

Summary: 3/5

I love that you made the effort to make your summary catching. You put a lot of elements which writers are advised to add into it. I like the first two lines and last line the most. Every summary should have a sentence or two that packs a heavy punch. You've got two hefty blows. To top it off, you didn't end with a direct question. That's a little amateurish so, I usually advise against that. No book with literary awards ends summaries with question marks. Well done for not doing that.

Nevertheless, I do like the summary but I think it could better. You've painted a clear picture of the world within the book: a too clear one. In this case, I think less could be more. Why? You've presented three major hooks here and ended two of them before the book even started. Summaries should give a glimpse of what to expect but not everything. Most importantly, they should never expose any of your plot twists. The two mysteries you solved were major plot twists in the storyline.

What do I suggest? Two or so changes starting from the first two lines. I believe that sentence at the very beginning should be scrapped. Hold on. Before you get skeptical, let me explain. I'm in love with that sentence. It was crafted with utmost ingenuity. In addition, it relates to ninety percent of your story; hence, it's very important. I wouldn't want you to toss it away completely. Notwithstanding, I saw it one too many times in the story: the summary, preface and prologue. Repeating it like this doesn't make it stick; rather, it strips away its allure. We like scarce goodies not circulated ones which is why this sentence should only appear once in the story. Where? In an epigraph. Making it an epigraph will make it stand out even more with no stress. Another bonus is that it won't compete with the other heavy punch in the summary which I'll name soon.

Now, that leaves the question of how to maintain that zing you need to begin your summary. That's where we bring in the second punch: 'Damsel. Daughter. Defiant.' I didn't like the fact that this gorgeous tool was given the post of a backbencher when it should be in the front row, leading the class. It's perfect as a summary beginner and will pull readers in well.

Let's continue with other aspects. After changing the one-liner, I'd continue with 'Unlike the maidens . . .'. Another thing I would remove is the (~). I can't remember the appropriate name for it now. However, I think it disrupts the flow of the summary. It doesn't create the kind of pause needed in a summary as it is usually used to break chapter scenes. There's no need for such a long pause there. I would change 'Ivelle grew . . .' to 'She grew . . .'. We already know we're dealing with Ivelle as long as no other female is introduced. Stating her name again makes readers stop in anticipation of a new character but there's no new character. You can name her again after a few more sentences when 'she' becomes repetitive.

At this point, I'll consider another major tweak. I would remove 'And on a . . .' as well as 'If the hunters, . . .'. Why? This is the first area that ruined the first hook of what happened after she encountered a shadow. I know she survived as later sentences revealed but not telling me how she survived maintains the suspense of the story. It will also make the appearance of the Hunters a lot more interesting. What's even better is not telling me she nearly died. That way, the shock of her attack will hit harder.

After '. . . under the moonless sky.', I would continue with 'Years after, . . .' and stop at '. . . to tyrannize it.'. Why? The following sentences are the second area where the second hook was murdered. When writing a summary, give a little but never enough. That's the number one rule. Consider it a tease of sorts; a flash of skin and a sultry smile yet no more. You want to give a portion of a morsel and leave us begging for a plate. Her father's sickness and the consequent switch of their places should only be revealed in the book. Similarly, we don't need to know about the summon. Let these occurrences be new to us when we start the story and let us come to our own conclusions as we read the book. Then, dash our expectations. That's guaranteed to blow us away. You'll also realize that omitting these parts will make the summary mysterious while still telling enough about the book.

To maintain the flow of the summary, I'll remove 'But as realization dawns' because it doesn't fit anymore without the preceding sentences which I suggested you remove. Consider a sentence like 'With fate tossing her life around, Ivelle is forced to make dire decisions. She finds herself . . .'. A sentence like this can bridge both sides of the summary. For the last sentence, the mention of the male assassins says too much because it still speaks of the Hunters which I suggested you keep a secret till the prologue where they appear. 'Ahead of her lies a grim battle where her face won't be the only thing to conceal.' achieves the same result without breaking the secrecy I'm trying to keep here. Plus, it's still a pretty good ending.

Alright, I've given my advice on this section. I know it seems like I tore your summary apart and I apologize for that. It is a good one which is why I tried my best to help out wherever I could. You really did well on this. If you take a rough sheet and scribbled down the suggested summary, I'm certain it would highlight what I'm trying to show here. You don't have to do exactly what I said. But I do hope what I meant was clear enough.

Before I proceed to the next parts, I'll admit that I don't have much to say for the character and plot development. I review a minimum of five chapters but I forgot to take the length of each chapter into account. I had only five short chapters to work with so, it was difficult to get a good idea of the storyline. Despite that, I'll do the best I can with what I have. It probably won't be much but it'll be something, at least.

Character Development: 7.5/10

By the fifth chapter, your cast looked promising. We were about to delve into intricate personas and I would have loved to continue that journey. All the main characters introduced in the last chapter made me itch to keep reading. I don't know much about them yet so, I won't say much about them. What I will say is that I like how they compliment each other especially Nicholas and Adrian. These two appear to contradict each other in a way that showcases their strengths and weaknesses. That's a beautiful technique to bring characters into the spotlight without making them flamboyant.

Moving on to your main character, Ivelle, I'm happy she's taking different routes and has different goals when compared to other maidens in her hometown. She's a very determined person who takes on challenges with no sweat. Also, her vulnerability when it comes to her attack makes her relatable. It would have been a tad bit odd if she hadn't been affected by it. I like that it's one of the challenges she has to overcome.

As for the other characters introduced in earlier chapters, they can be taken as minor characters so, I won't dwell much on them. I love that you didn't give any backstory on them unless when necessary as in the case of her father's secret identity. Focusing on their present actions instead of individual pasts ensured you avoided the dreaded information dump. Well done. They came in, played their parts well and left at the appropriate times. I love how you used them to set different moods in the story to spice up your storyline, from the judgemental hunter's mother to the nosy parcel deliverer. That's how to use minor characters well.

Plot Development: 7/10

Your plot is still at a developing stage so, I can't say a lot but I do have a couple words. I was hoping for another update to get more material to work with. Despite that, I was able to get a grasp of what was going on. I like the concept you've chosen. Then again, I like most story concepts as long as they deviate from the norm. The telling factor is how well you can manipulate this deviation which is something I wasn't able to see. It'll be clear in subsequent chapters and from the way the fifth chapter flowed, I could tell you have the potential to throw in good plot twists. I certainly encourage that.

Back to the plot layout, I don't think the preface is necessary. Honestly, without mincing words, I'll remove the part repeating the summary and one-liner concerning a damsel's scar. As explained earlier, repetition is something to avoid like a plague when writing books. If an editor picked up a manuscript, read the summary; then, started reading the summary again, they would toss the manuscript aside. That's an occurrence to avoid at all costs. Instead of writing that part again, I'll start with the author's note following it. That can still serve as a good introduction.

Next up is the prologue which I love. Using the prologue to show that part of her past was great. It was a good way to begin your story. I also loved how it ended with a cliffhanger. The events of that day are vague because there are many little details to iron out. I'm assuming that was done on purpose to give room for some revelations in later parts of the story. On the other hand, it could just be a way to show how disorientated she was after getting infected. Whichever effect you were aiming for, I liked it. The only downside to this is that I knew what would happen from the summary. That's why I suggested you remove some parts from the summary. It killed the suspense which was essential here.

The following scenes of the story were laid out well. I have no complaints there. You went straight into another conflict: her failed marriage proposals and a potential failure. That maintained the pace of the story and everything else fell into place. If you can maintain the momentum you've set, your story will be riveting. You know how to eliminate unimportant parts of the story to focus on what we need to know. We got scenes that were relevant to the story's plot instead of filler chapters that do nothing whatsoever. Many people don't have that skill. Please, do keep this up.

Vocabulary + Sentence Structure: 3/5

Your vocabulary was good. I love that you tried to keep it fresh by using different words for the same things. I even had to look up one or two words. You have a good grasp of the English language; although, there were a few places that need some brushing up. You're at a very good level now and your manipulation of words brought your plot to life. Now, I'll point out a couple tips below;

Excerpt: The forest seems as if all the lives that once lived here either are destroyed by an apocalypse or have abandoned it because of a whooping fear.

Consider: The forest seems as if all the lives that once lived here were either destroyed by an apocalypse or abandoned it because of a whooping fear.

In the correction above, I changed 'are' to 'were' because the potential destruction of the mentioned lives happened in the story's past. What that part of the sentence means is that the forest looks deserted because the lives there were probably destroyed at some point in the past. 'have abandoned' is a tense called present perfect like 'has killed', 'have loved'. It is a tense used for something that happened in the past which is still happening in the present or affecting the present. For example; 'I have loved him for many years' or 'Our suspect has killed another child'. The abandonment of the forest isn't ongoing and doesn't affect the present activities in the story so, 'have abandoned' can't be used. Also, since your story is in the present tense, when referring to the past, all past sentences should be in the simple past tense like 'killed', 'loved' and 'abandoned'.

Excerpt: Ivelle must have listened to what the people of the town said . . .

Consider: Ivelle should have listened to what the people of the town said . . .

Grammatically, there's nothing wrong with the excerpt. But in terms of context, 'must' doesn't send the correct message. This excerpt was taken from her attack. When you say that she must have listened, it's like saying she took the hidden advice of the townsfolk. It's saying that she had no option but to heed their warnings. She obviously didn't and was probably regretting not doing so since she was remembering what they said while being attacked. That's why 'should' fits better. It gives room for the mistakes she made which led to her attack. She should have listened but she didn't.

Excerpt: I am sure I look paler than a ghost and more bewilder than a lunatic.

Consider: I am sure I look paler than a ghost and wilder than a lunatic.

'Bewilder' is a verb which means 'to confuse'. From the meaning, it's clear that it can't be used in the way it was above. So, I cut out 'be' to leave 'wilder'. When we study 'wilder', it has two forms. First as a verb which means 'to confuse' but we can't use that form in the above sentence. It's probably where the error happened. The second form is an adjective which means 'untamed, disheveled or unruly'. That slots in effortlessly and gives a clear interpretation of the sentence.

Excerpt: . . . a young man by the hedge. He was examining our cottage with immense surprise.

I walk towards him, his eyes still fixed at the cottage.

Consider: . . . a young man by the hedge. He was examining our cottage with raised brows and a parted mouth. I walk towards him while his eyes remain fixed on our house.

I killed two birds with one stone here. Firstly, a person's eyes or sight or gaze can't be fixed at something. They can only be fixed on something. Secondly, you have a habit of separating paragraphs at the wrong places. I noticed this mistake a lot. When the next sentence isn't introducing a completely new idea, don't separate it from the rest; otherwise, you create unnecessary pauses. You must have noticed that I changed 'immense surprise'. There was nothing wrong with that part of the excerpt. I simply wanted to show that you could improve description by tweaking small details like that. In the correction, it's easier to picture his surprise because it's been described vividly.

Excerpt: He is not an acquaint . . .

Consider: He is not an acquaintance . . .

'acquaint' is a verb which means 'to know'. It cannot be used as a replacement for a person's name like 'my acquaint' or 'his acquaint'. 'acquaintance', though, is a noun which means 'someone with whom you are acquainted'. Now, that can be used to replace a person's name to avoid repetition.

Excerpt: With mind riddled with deep thoughts, I . . .

Consider: With my mind riddled with deep thoughts, I . . .

You were probably trying to be poetic here and I like that. Poetry makes your writing style interesting. However, you have to ensure you do not break any grammatical rules when trying to make a difference. It has to be obvious she's talking about herself. Without 'my', that phrase does not connect to her or any other character in the book. It's like saying 'with head in hands, I . . .'. That raises a lot of brows but 'with head in my hands, I . . .' is a lot more acceptable. It still passes a few red lines yet it sounds poetic without losing its meaning.

Excerpt: . . . straight through Father's icy gray ones, which has been a shade of midnight blue a fortnight before. He was no longer the sturdy man I once knew.

Consider: . . . straight through Father's icy gray ones which were a shade of midnight blue a fortnight before. He is no longer the sturdy man I once knew.

Here, the first problem lies under punctuation; nonetheless, I'll address it now. The comma before 'which' is a stray comma because it doesn't have a purpose if we analyze it properly. You're describing her father's eyes immediately after introducing his eyes. There's no need to separate the description from what it describes. Both parties should be together unless the description refers to something else. I changed 'has' to 'were' because you reverted to the past. Therefore, the tense used should be the past tense as his eyes are no longer a shade of midnight blue. They were that color sometime in the past not at the present moment. I changed 'was' to 'is' because his physical deterioration is in the present not in the past. He is still a shadow of his former self even as she takes note of the change. She's telling us that he was a sturdy man but he is no longer a sturdy man.

Excerpt: . . . And me, I will be leaving at the first sight of . . .

Consider: . . . And I . . . I will be leaving at the first sight of . . .

Or: . . . As for me, I will be leaving at the first sight of . . .

When a conjunction starts a sentence, that sentence should be one that can stand on its own. If I omit 'and', 'me' cannot start that sentence in the way you used it. 'me' is used as the object of a sentence but you used it as the 'subject' who is the doer of an action. That's wrong. The correct form is 'I'. 'I hit him' or 'I shall leave' not 'me shall leave' or 'me hit him'. I used an ellipsis (. . .) after 'I' to show that there's a significant pause there. An ellipsis is better suited for breaking up words or sentences to indicate that the person speaking paused before continuing. In the second correction, I showed how you can make use of 'me' without committing any errors.

Excerpt: "Martha, I will die in glory on knowing that my daughter is a warrior than a bride."

Consider: "Martha, I will die in glory knowing that my daughter is a warrior not a bride."

There's no need for 'on'. You're not introducing a date like 'on Monday' neither are you introducing his place of death like 'on these filthy sheets'. 'on' doesn't do anything for the sentence; hence, you should just continue with the next word. 'than' is used to compare. She is more a liar than a thief. He is more a fighter than a peacemaker. You'll notice 'more' accompanies 'than'. So, you could say 'more a warrior than a bride' yet I didn't. Why? That'll mean she's a bride and a warrior but performs more duties of a warrior than the duties of a bride. She was never a bride which is why I can't say that. So, 'not' fits better.

Excerpt: "I have had ample of sleep and great if you had that too."

Consider: "I have had ample sleep and great if you had that too."

Or: "I have had ample sleep and it would be great if you had that too."

'ample' precedes the word it describes immediately. That means there's no need for 'of' because you're obviously describing 'sleep'. The second correction is to show how to tie in the other half of the sentence correctly. However, it's not necessary. Quoted words show what the characters said. Characters aren't perfect and make mistakes. That makes them natural because most people don't speak fluent English, not even professors or natives. I just added it incase it was a genuine mistake on your part. Personally, I would leave it that way to flesh out the character's speech.

Punctuation + Errors: 4/5

Your story had very few errors. It was great in terms of error checking. I didn't even notice any spelling errors so, I applaud you for that. The punctuation, though, left me desiring a lot. It wasn't bad but it could certainly be better. The reason I didn't dock many points here is that most of the problems were repeated. Let's assume you had five problems and they appeared in twenty places. That's a lot better than twenty problems in twenty places. Here are a few examples below;

Excerpt: There is a loud thud in the forest floor, which is veneered with thick moss, each time the giant paws strike it.

Consider: There is a loud thud on the forest floor -which is veneered with thick moss- each time the giant paws strike it.

A thud is made when something strikes a surface. So, something has to land on that surface. The key word is on. The thud doesn't come from within the forest floor but its surface. I changed the two commas to hyphens. When adding a phrase that disrupts the flow of the sentence, you use hyphens to show that the sentence flows better without reading that part. It doesn't relate to the concept of the sentence so, it's not a major part. Using hyphens makes that clear.

Excerpt: . . . and freezes mid-air as myriad of arrows strike it . . .

Consider: . . . and freezes mid-air as a myriad of arrows strike it . . .

Or: . . . and freezes mid-air as myriad arrows strike it . . .

'myriad' is a collective noun. Inspite of that fact, it's still a noun not two or three. That's why 'a' should precede it to show you're using its singular form. If you want to pluralize it, you can say 'myriads of arrows'. The second correction is another way to use the word like an adjective. It means the same thing. The only difference is that it becomes an adjective by removing 'of'.

Excerpt: The giant falls next to her, one of its meaty paws however makes it way to her.

Consider: The giant falls next to her. One of its meaty paws, however, makes it way to her.

Or: The giant falls next to her. However, one of its meaty paws makes it way to her.

This error occured a lot in your story where you joined different sentences with a comma. Sentences that speak of one thing can be joined with semi-colons (;). However, when they show different actions, they have to be separated as shown above. Both sentences describe the giant's death. But they show different actions that don't relate to each other directly. You can't join them like you did in the excerpt. The second one should stand alone. 'however' is a conjunction that should always be separated with commas. It's not like the main conjunctions which are 'and', 'but' and 'or'. Conjunctions like 'despite', 'inspite', or 'nevertheless' should be separated from a sentence with commas. If they are in the middle of a sentence, they should have commas on both sides. If you want to start a sentence with them, they should have a comma after them. If you end a sentence with them, they should have a comma before them.

Excerpt: . . . the afflictive scar, and not the tale that lies beyond it . . .

Consider: . . . the afflictive scar, and not the tale that lies behind it . . .

'beyond' means there's a tale after the scar. That's stating that something else happened after she got the scar. We're left wondering what it is, and I don't think that's the message Ivelle was trying to pass across. 'behind' means the scar has a history -a story that tells how she got it. That seems more appropriate. This is a small error but you can see how it changed the meaning of her thoughts.

Excerpt: . . . her mellowed blue ones, I am silenced. "Now, Ivy, listen to me . . .

Consider: . . . her mellowed blue ones, I am silenced.

"Now, Ivy, listen to me . . .

Quoted words should always begin on another paragraph. The exception to this is when actions come inbetween a single character's speech. In that case, put them in a paragraph. These actions have to be related to the words; or else, they seem irrelevant. For example;

She turned to the door, fingers gripping the fragile wood as she said, "I hate you." Her wet eyes lifted and locked with his. "I really do hate you." The hurt female looked away, crossing the threshold with her bag slung over one slumped shoulder.

Her actions show how her words were delivered and putting both in a paragraph shows when they were said. Also, her actions relate to her words. Otherwise, her words have to be put in separate paragraphs. For example;

"I hate you."

The words sent a chill through his bones. He wanted her to deny them. With every part of him, he needed her to take them back. Still, he bit his tongue to keep his pleas in. This was for the best. Her eyes met his in the small space between them. Anguish, betrayal, and love mingled within her gaze. His hand itched to wipe the tears away but he wrapped it around his crutch. She deserved so much better. Inspite of the pain swirling within his chest -a searing pain similar to the ache from his phantom foot-, he remained quiet.

"I really do hate you."

Her eyes slid away and her reluctant shadow retreated.

Excerpt: A fortnight before something happened and since then he lies lifeless on his cot.

Consider: A fortnight before, something happened and since then, he lies lifeless on his cot.

In this excerpt, you omitted commas where they were necessary. 'A fortnight before' is a phrase that asks the question of when. It states that something happened at that time. Such phrases are seperated with a comma. 'since then' is a similar phrase which asks the same question. It should also be separated with a comma. These phrases can be moved around without changing the sentence. For example;

Something happened a fortnight before, and he lies lifeless on his cot since then.

There's nothing wrong with the sentence above. I removed the comma because when you change positions like that, there's no need for them.

Excerpt: As we follow, Mother nudges me, "I told you to sit properly."

Consider: As we follow, Mother nudges me. "I told you to sit properly."

This was another repeated mistake. After actions, always use a full stop. You use commas only after verbal tags like 'he whispered' or 'she said'. Words that describe the way speech is made are verbal tags. All other words should be ended with a full stop.

Excerpt: The glistening malicious eyes on the walls . . . the harrowing memory . . . the agonizing scar and the cold grimness that consequently follows.

Consider: The glistening malicious eyes on the walls, the harrowing memory, the agonizing scar, and the cold grimness that consequently follows.

When listing the qualities of anything, you do not use ellipsis. Otherwise, you paint an image of the character pausing dramatically after noticing each feature. That disturbs the pace of the story. You can use commas for the excerpt above as you are describing an environment. It's similar to when someone says, 'she's a tall, curvy, dark-skinned woman'. You can't say 'she's a tall . . . curvy . . . dark-skinned woman'. Imagine a male character stopping like that after each word. He sounds like a right pervert, doesn't he? This is why the pacing of words is very important.

Excerpt: Dumb, a very dumb act.

Consider: Dumb. A very dumb act.

Or: Dumb: a very dumb act.

Dumb can't stand on its own because its a single word so, it's advisable to join it to the rest of the sentence. There are one or two rules to take note of when doing this. First: a comma cannot be used for this purpose. A colon (:) is used to join two parts of a sentence when one or both cannot make sense alone. It's used especially when one part relates directly to the other as it does in the excerpt. Second: thoughts of characters don't have to be punctuated meticulously. This was a thought even though it wasn't italicized in the story. When writing in first person, thoughts don't have to be italicized. Since she was thinking the words not saying them, they are thoughts. It's okay to use a full stop instead of a comma to indicate the pause before she continued. Despite that, a comma is not suitable for this purpose.

Excerpt: Gaining back my balance, I notice the sudden oppressive heat on her cheeks. "DON'T EVER . . . NOT EVEN THINK!"

Consider: Gaining back my balance, I notice the sudden oppressive heat on her cheeks. "Don't ever . . . not even think!"

In the excerpt above, you capitalized her mother's response to her decision to replace her sick father. I understand that the woman was furious, shocked, desperate and whatnot. She had a ton of emotions clashing inside of her that burst out through her exclamation. Still, capitalizing words isn't advisable. It's actually considered erroneous. It's tempting to do so to show how hyped she was when saying those words but you shouldn't. Using an exclamation mark is enough to show how shocked she was. If you want to take it further, you can describe how she said it by stating she was red-faced or something like that.

Excerpt: "So, you mean to tell her the torment her dear father suffered. To tell her, whose fault it was when she first stepped into those formidable forests . . .

Consider: "So, you mean to tell her the torment her dear father suffered? To tell her whose fault it was when she first stepped into those formidable forests? . . .

I changed the full stops to question marks. The statements above are obviously questions her mother asked her father. When a statement can be answered in any way, it's a question even if it's a rhetorical one. She wasn't expecting him to answer immediately after she asked them. Still, they could be answered with yes or no or any other kind of answer.

Excerpt: "Teach no manners . . . bloody selfish beards."

Consider: "Teach no manners. Bloody selfish beards."

Or: "Teach no manners: bloody selfish beards."

This is not an improper use of an ellipsis. It means the character waited a moment before saying the second part. However, if that's not what you meant, this is a mistake as I've pointed out above. You can use a colon since 'bloody selfish beards' can't stand alone. You can also use a full stop since it's dialogue. Speech doesn't have to be impeccable.

Narration: 2/5

You chose the first person pov for this and you stuck to one character, Ivelle. I have to say you're making very good use of all the tools at your disposal when adopting this style. It's quite limiting in areas like description but you do that very well. You know how to paint your environment with no stress. You also managed to stay in her head. That means you didn't head-hop and tell us another character's thoughts: a huge mistake a lot of people make. I do have some places to make suggestions. There were areas you could have put in a little more effort to make your narration even more vivid. Consider some of the points I'll raise.

Excerpt: I am still annoyed by what happened this afternoon, and I don't want a letter-carrier to poke his nose like my neighbor did.

Consider: The haze of anger that had draped over me since our return still remained. From the afternoon's events to the prying eyes of our neighbors peeking between curtains, everything made the hair on my skin burn. I understood how a screaming kettle felt with all the emotions bottled up inside me. What I would give to practice my archery at the moment: to have something to throw the frustration at. The letter-carrier hadn't stopped running his beady gaze around. My hand fisted my dress, teeth biting back an insult. I didn't need him poking his filthy nose in our affairs.

There were a handful of places where her emotions were not explored as deeply as they should have been. When writing such scenes, you want readers to experience things through her eyes. Therefore, sink into her mind and write things as she sees or feels them. Let those random thoughts filter through so it's as genuine as possible. Don't just tell me she's angry. Let me taste that anger. Above, I tried to break down the excerpt into steps to lead up to her dislike of the letter carrier. It gave me the space to describe her anger as clearly as possible. Writing like this will keep readers connected to the plot.

Excerpt: Tugging the strands of my golden hair that have come forward, back behind my pink ears, I glare back at him. The young man still seizes my wrist . . .

Consider: My body jerks back, my knees knocking together as I struggle to keep upright. One hand grapples the air, latching onto the unreliable fence yet I sway like a falling leaf. It takes digging the heel of my shoe into the pliant soil to steady my limbs. I huff out a shocked exhale, the golden mist of curls in front of my eyes lifting before draping across my vision again. The feel of most fingers around my wrist registers and my eyes drop to where the audacious male holds me. How dare he? Brushing back my hair, I turn a glare on him. His upper lip quirks. Perhaps, he's amused by my improvised acrobatics. That foolish smile brightens at the sounds of my labored breathing. There's a heat from the exertion rising up my cheeks and I'm certain my stinging ears are a betraying pink hue. I frown, twisting my hand as hard as I can. His fingers tighten and nails dig into my flesh.

Physical description of characters is a tricky aspect of writing. I usually advice against adding such details unless very necessary. However, I acknowledge the fact that most people love to know what the characters they're reading about look like. A lot of writers will say they use tricky ways to show such features but to be honest, a lot of them look too obvious. The excerpt shows a method to many people have adopted. If we're being frank, she's not going to be thinking of the color of her hair but how uncomfortable it is to have it in her eyes. Also, she's not going to be thinking of the color of her ears but how hot it is. I didn't want to remove both to make the transition I did in the correction easier. There, we explore the exchange and find a way to make the reveal less obvious. I tried to create a scenario where she thought of her physical features at the right moments.

Excerpt: There's something perturbing about them but I can't put a finger on it. The grimness, perhaps, is because of the absence of the amiable aura of my house. I sniff off the musty smell, I am longing for the fragrance of newly blossomed roses. My ears are straining for the melody of birds and surprisingly, for Mother's monotonous tirades.

The next moment, my vision goes cloudy and I realise I am about to cry.

Consider: Although, the hostility and mockery surrounding me aren't bothersome, I can't help the unease settling on my shoulders. There's an irresistible urge to be somewhere else, somewhere far away from these unpleasant men. It has nothing to do with their spaced dentitions or crusty skin yet it does. The change from warm laughter and supportive words to cruel jibes and discouraging taunts weighs down on me. This feels nothing like the amiable aura my home possesses. My home. As the coach travels father away from our cottage, I wonder if I can still call that place home. The unease morphs into a heaviness that threatens to drag me through the wooden boards beneath me. I draw in a shaky breath, muffling a cough when musty air invades my nostrils. Instead of the intoxicating fragrance of newly blossomed roses, stale bread doused in cheap beer fills my lungs. My hand flies up to right the scarf guarding my nose. The man across me watches the way I shudder and he smirks. His companion hisses out another insult; a sharp contrast to the soothing melody of birds I usually wake up to. Some of the rest join in to mumble a buffet of hurtful words spiced with raucous laughter; a breakfast fitting for a spoilt rich kid. That unidentifiable ache squeezes my ribs. Even Mother's monotonous tirades are more desirable than this. My hand slides off my face, dropping onto my thigh. I stare at it in a bid to block them out. They shouldn't mean anything, afterall. Still, my vision goes blurry, hot tears pricking the corners of my eyes.

Alright, the above is my last suggestion for this review. Here, I wanted to raise the issue of showing versus telling. I believe a good balance of both techniques is essential for effective writing. For most parts of the story, you told even when showing would have been better. If you want to know if you're telling, skim through the story. If you describe actions a lot more than emotions, you're telling. If you use words like 'I feel', 'I can', 'She should' a lot, you're telling. If it feels like you're speaking to someone, you're telling. Ivelle's experiences always felt like she was speaking to me, recounting (telling) me what happened to her. It's not bad but it's not the best for a story. We need to feel these things too. In the correction, I tried to show more emotions and thoughts than simply stating them. We're getting deep into Ivelle's head here. Instead of saying she was about to cry, I showed what led up to it in her mind. This will make readers feel more connected to the story. We'll feel like we're living her life and that's what all readers want to feel.

Total: 35.5/50

We're done and I had a blast. This was really nice to review. It helped me broaden my knowledge in certain areas and really tasked me in others. I'm glad I was given the opportunity to do this. I apologize for the time wasted. Life did happen but I'll admit that's a fault I'm working to rectify. Your book is very promising. I would love to see how it goes. I have no idea how Ivelle is going to survive and I'm eager to see what happens. There's also so much that could happen with other aspects of the plot like the fight against the beasts. It's quite promising indeed. Keep up the good work. If you have any questions or complaints, please, feel free to ask. Thank you for choosing our community.