instead of venting i'm gonna write angsty scenes for fanfic oneshots i'll never write that are centered around comedy musicals lol, have someone yelling at mckinley because he reminds me too much of myself which isn't good considering he's a total dickweed

•••

"connor—"

"mckinley." connor corrects, his voice sharp. he doesn't want to be called connor right now.

"fine, mckinley. working so hard that you practically pass out isn't gonna change— it's not gonna change that you— that..." chris trails off, apparently thinking better of whatever he was about to exclaim at him.

that makes connor unexplainably angry, and the distant coolness he was trying to have just... snaps.

"oh, no, go on! it won't change what, exactly? won't change that i'm a failure? it won't change that my parents don't love me? it won't change that i'm— that i— go on! go on, finish the sentence!" he snaps, bordering on yelling.

chris looks stricken for a second, but doesn't back down— which is very unlike him. "it won't change you, connor!" he exclaims back, clenching and unclenching his fists. "overworking yourself won't magically make you into the person you want to be! your mission won't suddenly be a success, you won't magically be straight, and your parents will still be mad! can you just— just accept that already, so that everyone isn't getting sick worried over you?! you're not the only one with issues, you know, but you are the only one still trying to fucking deny that they exist!"

"nobody's worried sick over me." connor spits out immediately, hugging himself so tightly it feels more like someone's grabbed him. "and of course i know other people have issues-"

"are you sure?!" chris cuts him off sharply. "because i'm not certain you do. maybe the connor who held me when i cried over my sister did, maybe the connor who was my best fucking friend did, maybe. but you? you, the mckinley who, among other things, shoved price away after he'd just been traumatized and had a nightmare about it—"

"i had my own reasons for that!" connor says sharply, before getting interrupted again.

"oh, right. okay. what were they? huh?" chris accuses, and connor's afraid he might scream. connor's already yelling, so it might be fair of him to. "'cause i've narrowed the list down to two options. either your ambitions made you forget elder price has fucking feelings— or you're too scared of your own. either way, you're too trapped in your own little world—"

connor absolutely will not let someone lecture him about kevin price. he doesn't even want to think about kevin price. "—oh, so we're saying i'm self obsessed now? that i think soooo highly of myself that i don't see anyone else—" and chris interrupts him again.

"no." he says, and then he gives connor a look that's half-sympathetic and half-angry. "it's not that you don't see anyone else. i think you just hate yourself so much, and it encompasses so much of your thoughts, you just don't care."

chris takes a breath before continuing, which is good because connor can't begin to respond to that. "...i'm not saying you should care more about others than you do yourself. absolutely not. but you don't care about yourself, i don't think. you care about... about the perfect, heterosexual district leader you want to be, and you're so obsessed with it that you bring everyone else down, even— especially you. and connor, we care about you! i just wish you cared about..." he sighs slightly, before continuing. "...about anyone, anymore."

chris storms off after that, probably to rant to that guy he hangs around all the time. connor should remember his name, but he's too angry to.

because chris is right, painfully right, but connor refuses to believe him. he can't believe him. working as hard as he can will be perfectly fine, and— and he's okay. he won't be who he is, he'll change.