Song: Cancer by My chemical romance

Tw:Eating disorder, talk of death, bad parenting, weight mention, Roman is a stupid bitch who doesn't want help but he's totally wrong

It almost surprised Roman that he woke up from the fainting. When he did it was dark outside. He must have slipped into a slumber. His body was stale from lying on the floor. There was an unese in the air or maybe it was just the smell of rotten food. 

It irritated him how the old floorboards creaked as he walked out into the hallway. It was nearing 2 am and the moon was out as he came into the living room downstairs. The light coming through the windows was the only thing lighting it up. The outside was so enticing. How long had it been since he had been outside. Time had been fleeting lately. He pressed his fingertips against the glass. Why did people keep locking him up he wondered. First the hospital, then the school and now his own family. It made him smile to think that if he got sent to the hospital again the bracelet around his wrist would hang even looser.

The sound of a door slamming shot rang through the room and Roman's forced out of his thoughts which made him back away from the window. He looked around but nothing looked like it had moved. The entrance door was still locked. Just to make sure he tried to open it. There was a sudden warmth on his shoulder he could swear on it. The low light draped a ghostly feeling over the room.

Roman took a few unsure steps into the light wondering if he was imagining things or not. The warmth on his shoulders came back. When he looked down there were hands there. The fingernails were blue. He held back a scream telling himself that he was just imagining things and if he woke anyone up they would get mad.

"Why didn't you stop him Roman?" He whimpered when it spoke. He reluctantly turned around and looked at his brother.

There was blood coming from his nose and his pupils were rolled back only leaving the white of his eyes. Remus head twitched making his neck contort and crack. There was a red mark on his cheek. his dark skin looked ashen and his breathing was erratic.

"Why didn't you stop him?" He repeated with a voice dripping of sadness. Roman tried to back away but his blue nails dug down into his skin. "I wouldn't have killed myself if you had helped me"

"You...you're not real" Roman meekly answered.

"Why didn't you stop father?" He continued.

Roman forced the hands off of him and was going to back away but his legs buckled under him and he fell down. "I'm sorry" He cried closing his eyes so he wouldn't have to look at 'Remus' anymore. What if it was his ghost. No. That would mean he was de...Which he wasn't. People told Roman he was but they were wrong. They. had. To. Be! He was still out there, he would come back soon. Ro couldn't give up on him.

"I'm sorry the house doesn't feel safe enough for you to come home but please do anyway. I hate it here without you"

Remus gave him a pitiful glance at him before saying "Don't be sorry bro-ro, you don't have a lot of time lef-

Roman woke up in a cold sweat with his heart racing. He grabbed around the room to make sure he wasn't dreaming anymore. Welp guess he wasn't coping with that as well as he thought.

The words Remus had said felt so real so real that Roman had to fight back memories keeping his hands over his ears as if that would help that resurfaced from the things he'd said. The memories turned into flashbacks and he started to quietly beg his brain not to make him go through it again.

Still the events of 7th October flooded back to him.

The ordinary school they had gone to had called. When their father heard that Remus had barely been in school for a long time and when he had been he'd gotten into fights with other students he in a moment of seeing red slapped the then 15 year old. He immediately apologized and he meant it. It was the only time he was violent but it was enough for Remus to snap.

He stormed out of the house not returning until the 8th of November. When he did he crawled in through Roman's window and laid in his bed. Quietly crying into his shoulder until near dawn. The 'good' twin pretended he was asleep until the other left. Soon after he heard a thud as if a body fell followed by choking and gurgling sound. When he ran to look what it was he found Remus already half dead from the overdose. Nosebleed running, lips and fingernails blue and his skin slowly turning ashen.

It took 2 days before he woke up. The moment he did Roman would put as one of the happiest in his life. They spent the entirety of a week together, barely leaving each other's side. Then suddenly Remus was forced away to rehab and he was all alone again. No one even told him that he'd gotten out of rehab and was living at a school instead.

In his lonesome Roman's eating habits got worse. Much worse. So bad he didn't eat for 2 weeks. All he remembered was walking back and forth in the living room to lose calories and in the next everything was dark. Until there were strangers around him and everything was bright and a woman was looking at him with a kind expression. He had been hospitalized.

He screamed and screamed as he was forced to the hospital room. Why wasn't his parents helping him. He was begging them and they were doing nothing. The doctors were going to poison him couldn't they see that. The strangers would destroy their nearly perfect son, why didn't they stop them. 

When his father talked to him he barely had the energy to turn his head to look at him much less act like he'd been told to act. He got so scared he would make him mad but instead his father patted him on the shoulder and told him to get better soon. He didn't understand. He wasn't even sick.

His mother was there as a psychiatrist diagnosed him with anorexia. He tried to tell her that they were lying. That he needed to get out of here. He was trapped. He couldn't control anything. Not even the food. The food was all he ever could control. 

After a few weeks they told Roman he was starting to become healthy. Everyone said that. Even his parents. He had gained so much he couldn't be healthy. He'd been destroyed.

For him to continue being healthy they told Roman it was best if he went somewhere. There was a lot of time spent waiting outside rooms as other people talked about what to do with him. Ro thought it was quite rude of the doctors and his parents to assume that they could control his future like that. Which is why he bit at least 3 people when they tried to make go somewhere.

Even as he tried to fight back he ended up going to some school. It hurt to see his parents leave him there without a second thought but it was made up for by seeing Remus again.

Now when he thought about it it felt like his life was going in a loop. He couldn't be hospitalized this time though. He had to be here when his brother got home. Which he would. It was just a matter of time. Ro was sure of it. Remus couldn't be gone.

The prince shook his head and forced a smile on his face hoping it would make him happy. He dug around in his drawer taking out a big tube of golden glitter and throwing it at himself. Everything got better with glitter, hopefully even his mood. His phone had been cast aside forgotten somewhere under the blankets as the day had transpired. A bit unsure he picked up the phone and dialed a number. It rang and rang and thinking about the time it was unlikely that anyone would pick up. Right before the last signal they did though.

There was a yawn first of all then "Wh-who is it?" Patton whispered probably so he wouldn't wake anyone else up.

"It's prince Roman of course! It may be 2 am and I may just have gotten glitter into my mouth but I have good reason for calling! You see I had nothing better to do" And he was lonely so so so lonely.

"I'm ha-appy you're talking to me-e again. Thought you went and started to d-dislike me there for a hot se-econd. So how-" There were low sounds as if someone on the other side was talking to Patton. "It's just Roman. I don't kn-now if he's okay. Just g-go back to sleep m'kay"

"Ehm you can tell me if I should hang up. I can go back to sprinkling glitter"

"No-o it's okay kiddo. I'll g-go into the hallway so no o-one can hear me. Logan move your arm. Dear-r I can't get up. Thank you" There was a short pause. "I'm in the hallway n-now. Sooo how you doing?"

"Fine" He was in fact not fine "I'm more interested in how you're holding up? Gotten that second dog yet?"

"Sadly n-no" Patton sighed. "I've gone to the zoo thoug-gh, with Vir-rgil. The penguins were so cute and the butterfly cabinet was very p-pretty" The smile he had on could almost be heard through the phone. "The s-snakes were really creepy though-h"

"That's nice padre" He put more blankets around him as he started to shudder out of nowhere. Roman gulped before continuing. "Now when you mention Virgil is he?" He didn't know exactly what to ask so he left that sentence hanging.

"He's doing okay. He's go-otten really focused on some show-w lately. He tried to show but you know me not much-h for such horrory stuff"

"Tha" His voice broke for a moment. "That's nice padre" His chest ached and it made him feel even  worse. If hearing that Virgil was doing good made him feel bad he couldn't have been that good of a boyfriend to begin with. 

"Hey Roman I'm st-till worried about you. Dealing with Remus being g-gone must be har-"

"HE'S NOT GONE!" He yelled not thinking before doing it.

"S--s-sorry-y"

"I'm doing great okay, fantastic actually! Everything is fine Pat, I have to go. Someone is calling my name so"

"At 2 am?"

"Bye padre"

"Roman please-e it doesn't sound lik-"

"Love you. Talk to you later. Totsie lo" He hung up.

---

40,3 kg

Still not good enough.

Roman hid down under the blanket again trying to stifle his sobbing by pressing his hand against his mouth. It had been 3 days since he left his room and the only thing he had gotten in him was few sips of water that he nearly spit out. 

He was afraid if he fainted he wouldn't wake up again. He didn't want to die but he didn't want to eat either. If he did he wouldn't be perfect and as we all know perfection and starvation taste the same. Right now he was at the stage hell he had even passed the stage where he had imagined he would be able to see himself as perfect. Somehow the mirror still spelled out that he wasn't good enough.

There was still so much to improve about him. When he sat down his stomach wrinkled. He couldn't reach his hand around his upper arm yet. His collarbones could barely be seen. There was too much fat on his ribs. The bones on his chest shouldn't be so hard to feel. His jaw line had to be more prominent. Why wasn't his cheek bones better. He hated everything about his legs. There was too much useless fat. When he sat down they just grew and somehow got even more disgusting. He could pinch it and hold fat. Everything was wrong about him.

Maybe he deserves nothing less than feeling his flesh rot away into nothingness.

He wrote a long message to Virgil. It was dramatic like a disney characters last monologue. He apologized over and over. For not being strong enough. For being the kind of boyfriend that left him. For ever daring to exists in this Pathetic form. For becoming a corpse instead of becoming perfect. 

He assured Virgil that it would be okay. That if he still cared about him somehow to not break over his death. That he deserved so much more. That one day he would wake up and be happy and his anxiety problems wouldn't be as frightening anymore.

Then he deleted it.

If Virgil hadn't tried to reach out to him maybe he didn't care. Maybe this message would do more harm than good. Maybe he wouldn't even know about his death. Maybe he was just a bother.

It hurt so much. He wanted to see Virgil again. Wanted to hear his laugh and see his smile and hug him and sit next to him and just be with him.

He wanted to spend another hour listening to Logan rambling on about space. He wanted to have another cartoon marathon with Patton. He wanted to try on new outfits with Remy again. He wanted to see Remus again. He didn't want his brother to come home and be greeted by his funeral.

As he got up and went into the hallway he could feel the fat on his legs jiggle and he felt absolutely disgusted by himself. He wanted to cry and starve

And starve

Andstarve andstarrve

And Starevr And starevee and starve

And starve and

Starve and starrve 

Starve starrvestarevstarve

He didn't deserve to live when he looked like this and he was sick of existing in this pitiful form but oh god he didn't want to end like this.

With wobbly weak steps he made his way to the kitchen. Grey pigments danced around his vision because of low iron in his body. If Remus was there he would have taken him on his back saying something inappropriate about how he's been ridden a lot of times.

Roman wanted to be able to do cheerleading again

With shaking hands he put a mini pizza(250 cal) in the microwave. It was one of his trigger foods so not the best decision. The second he took a bite he regretted it running over to the trash bin to spit it out again. Then he reminded himself of how he had felt the latest months when he thought Remus died and put a hand in front of his mouth forcing himself to swallow. Shallow tears went down his cheeks.

Roman wanted to daydream about what he would be in the future.

As his body wretched and shook from crying and regret he continued to eat until the plate was empty. With a sob he wrote how many calories he'd eaten on his wrist.

Roman wanted to continue living.

There was a creek from the hallway as the door opened. Usually no one was home at this time, that's why he had gotten the courage to go down. He wiped the tears away before opening the cupboards and looking around. He took as much of his safe foods as he could hold before running up to his room again. He could hear a yell of his name echoing after him.

Roman even wanted to have another breakdown because at least it meant he was still alive.

So he ate. He started with a ricecake(35 cal), he thought it was a good start. It made him feel horrible that he had even eaten this much in one day. Once he started though he couldn't stop. He binged. It almost made the hunger go away. If he didn't feel hungry he felt guilty.

He breathed heavily as he felt disappointed in himself. Tomorrow he was going to try again he told himself. He would have more control tomorrow. Less binging but he was going to eat. He was going to stay alive even though he would hate every step of the way.

Roman was still trying to calm when there was a short knock at the door before his father demanded to be let in.

Roman didn't even think about not doing what he told him. The neatly dressed man took a few steps into the room looking around at the mess with a sigh. His father was slightly taller than him so as he stood in front of him Roman was literally standing in his shadow.

"You should clean it looks and smells horrible in here" Was the first thing he said

"Sorry" Roman dragged the sleeve of his shirt up and down. He had forgotten about one of the rules he had made up. He was supposed to keep everything perfect around him.

His father snapped his fingers next to his ear "Don't zone out" He stated looking down at him. He walked around the room looking at the mess "I suppose I should ask how you're doing"

"Good"

"If you were doing good you would be doing something with your life" He or Elias which was his name replied coldly.

He stopped walking when he felt himself step on something. He looked down at a few messy drawings left from Remus. He picked it up carefully before tracing his finger over the sketchy lines which made up his son's face.

"I want you to get better son, I really do" He said to Roman "Do you remember by any chance when...." He stopped not wanting to say his name, it hurt too much "Your brother went to rehab to get help"

"Of course"

"Well I have reached the conclusion that mayhaps it would be for the best if you too got help in that way. Of course you would go somewhere for...your kind" He didn't look at Roman as he explained it, he kept looking at the drawing.

Roman wrinkled his nose at the thought of inpatient care "I can't" He disagreed for once "I have to be here when Remus comes back!"

The drawing got crumbled as his hand changed into a fist and he glanced back at Roman "Remus. Is. Dead" He bit out.

"No he just he-"

"The last time he disappeared for a month he nearly died and it was my fault. Now he's been gone for several months, do the math yourself. He won't come back. It's for the best if we don't talk about him any more"

"But-"

"Enough"

"You can't-"

"Roman, enough"

He stared down at his shoes as he said "Sorry"

"It's alright" He assured. "I have been trying to understand why you are so persistent to getting better but I've come to the conclusion that I don't understand it"

"I am trying to get better" He nearly whispered out tracing his fingers over his collar bones without thinking about it. "I ate today"

"Well normal people eat everyday so really it is no extraordinary feet" Roman shrunk in on himself gripping onto his arms. "Do you know what they called people like you on your grandparents time?"

".....No" He mumbled.

"Insane. Do you know what they did to insane people?"

"No" He stared down at his feet. Logan had told him about it some time but he hadn't been listening.

"They drilled spikes and bolts into their heads to fix their brains" Roman was pretty sure he stopped breathing. "Don't deny help next time" He said walking out into the hallway again. "And son"

"Yes?" He looked up slightly.

"Don't go around and mumble, speak clearly"

"Sorry"

After he left Roman breathed out, his heart was practically beating out of his chest. Great now his intrusive thoughts are making him think of his heart exploding. Or stopping. Or going too fast. Or- could his brain just shut up already.

He sighed as he sat down on his bed with his head in his hands. His eyes shone up with sudden hope as he formed as an idea formed. it was so simple, how couldn't he have thought of it before. His mouth got pulled into a grin as he took out a backpack and started shuffling down clothes.

--

A few days later Roman whispered one last goodbye to the house and everyone in it before walking towards the door. He was determined to 1.Not get sent away to get help and 2.Find Remus and by god if he didn't succeed he'd rather die than come back here.

He had barely taken a step outside the porch when someone grabbed his wrist forcing him to stop.

"Where are you going?" His mother asked.

"Some friends from my old school called. Said they wanted to meet up. Jake, Dylan you know those guys" He lied.

"Have you forgotten that you're grounded. Besides can you really be with them when you look like that" She said it with such a loving tone.

Roman yanked his hand away crossing his arms and keeping them close to his chest. "Like what? Disgusting? Wrong? Imperfect? Are you getting ashamed over me being your son. Guess you don't have Remus anymore to fill that role so you had to take me" That was the most defiant thing Roman had ever said.

"Don't raise your voice at me. This isn't like you"

"You don't even know me! I'm just just some kind of thing to make yourself feel better about how good I am because if I'm a good son that means you're a good mother" Roman had officially lost all his fucks to give.

"I'm just trying to help you. I don't think it's a good idea for you to run around when you're barely eating"

"I ate 3 meals yesterday. 1065 calories in one day. I am trying very hard an-and nobody seems to notice. Not you, not father. I thought you'd at least be proud of me or something but I suppose my imagination has always been quite wild"

"Of course I am. It's just hard to know when you never talk to me" She protested while putting her hand over her heart.

"I can't talk to you because you are have so many problems right? your life is so hard it would be a shame if I dared giving you more. Which is why it's so good that I'm going away"

"What?" Her eyes were wide in surprise as she said it.

"I'm not coming back until I've found Remus" Roman confessed.

"Honey, you can't expect that" She responded sadly "It's so hard to say this but he is probably-"

"Don't finish that sentence" She tried to hug him but he just backed away.

"This has been hard for me to but I've tried to stay strong for you. It hurts so much and I want to turn back the clock but time doesn't work backwards. Sometimes people in our lives leave us way too soon. People we love"

"No" He protested "You never loved him. Love is.." He thought about Virgil and him. "Love is about being there for each other and listening and putting someone elses need in front of your own so they can do the same for you later" 

"Of course I've done all those things" María tried to convince him "But it's hard when-" 

"16 years is a little bit to start coming with excuses. Yesterday I thought about whether I should let myself starve to death to make you happy and I'm not so sure that's okay anymore" He said with his eyes narrowed to the ground. he didn't have the strength to look her in the eyes as he talked.

"Oh sweetie you should have told me. Come back inside. I can make some tea and we'll talk about this. Doesn't that sound good" She smiled at him putting a reassuring hand on his back. "We can start over. Try to piece together the remnants of our family and be happy again"

Roman wanted to. Just talking back this much had taken the energy out of him. All the thoughts going through his brain told him how he wasn't a good person for talking back, that she would be mad if he continued. He walked with her inside.

Then Roman reminded himself of how Remus could very well be hurt or cold or alone or dying or all those things at once and he reminded himself that he couldn't leave him like that. He reminded himself that maybe his childhood hadn't been that okay and that maybe he should be allowed to be angry about it.

"When you still thought I was going on your diet you kept telling me how great I was doing and that I would look even better if I continued" He whispered it out just loud enough for her to hear. "I was starving myself. I was actively destroying my body just to find some sort of relief. Finally you were praising me. Finally I was being a good son....now you're telling me I look disgusting. Isn't this what you wanted. WILL I JUST NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH"

He slapped her hand away and backed of while yelling. He held back tears and clenched his fists. It was too late to stop now so he just continued.

"I didn't know I could tell me people about my problems. I was so disappointed in myself over every mistake I've made. I thought I couldn't complain about how you made me feel because you always said you cared for me. I've been so afraid of being loved again because I thought that it would always come with conditions and doubt whether I was good enough. I hate myself so much because I thought I had to be perfect in every way for you to actually love me"

He stepped outside and as he walked away he growled. "Right now I couldn't care less about being perfect"

And so he ran. He could hear his mother call after him but he didn't look back. He never looked back.