Song: Jesus of suburbia by Green Day

Tw: Substance abuse(One part gets a bit disgusting/weird but like that's just how drugs are man don't do them), Remus being Remus so Sexual innuendos and gore (all of it is imagined though), self hate, Mentions of past overdose, (the text which is like this is his thoughts)

Also realized while writing this that Remus is kind of similar to Klaus Hargreeves and now I want to make a umbrella academy AU. 

An eating disorder and substance abuse really isn't that different. They're built on the same grounds. Lies, cravings and control.

You start taking pills or stop eating to control something in your life, to control yourself and then the cravings take over. The cravings for just one more pill or just one more kg and then everything will be perfect. So you lie.

You build a web of lies around yourself until you're so distanced from everyone you love the only one you think loves you is the disorder.

'It says home is where your heart is

But what a shame

Cause everyone's heart

Doesn't beat the same'

Remus loved drawing. He could sit for hours and fill pages with black and white sometimes adding red or green to make it more effectful. He never inked any of them. Actually he preferred if they smudged so much he couldn't see what it was anymore. Sometimes he would experiment with new techniques which meant him licking his art work or using blood (not necessarily his own) as a color.

Almost everything was inspired by his thoughts. It was like if he drew the ideas down it stayed on the page instead of plaguing his mind. He had an entire sketch book filled with drawings of him killing his brother. 

His thoughts didn't bother him that much anyway but it seemed to bother everyone around him. So he learnt how to silence them bit by bit so people would like him. 

When other people saw the drawings they usually called it scary but Remus disagreed. Reality was scary, you had no control over reality. He could control his drawings even when he couldn't control himself.

Right now he was sitting in art class. Their assignment was to draw a portrait of a human face. Remus was sketching out Dee's two parted face putting his whole body into it barely noticing when the pen broke. He used it as a chewing toy instead as he admired the other boys face.

He thought Dee was one of the most beautiful people he had even seen. The strange way tendrils and flesh went over the scarred right part of his face fascinated him. He could stare at him for hours(which he had) and never get tired of it. A few times when he had been in a good mood Dee had even let him lick it but mostly he just liked running his fingers over it.....fingers.

Inspiration hit him like a punch as Remus's mind started running and before he knew it he was drawing 4 chopped off fingers nailed to a chalkboard the blood still fresh. Bold strokes in coal slashing with running watercolors in red. Virgil who was sitting to the left of him ogled at the gory drawing suddenly feeling much less contempt with his own portrait of Pete Wentz.

The teacher came over gasping when she saw the bloody drawing "Prince the assignment was a portrait not horror. Can't you focus for just 5 minutes? Start over please"

"Go jack off to your own life crisis" He half yelled half whispered after her.

Dee snickered leaning over and whispering a rumor about the teacher which he may or may not have started to his classmate to which they both laughed. Meanwhile Virgil rummaged around in his bag trying to find confidence to speak.

"I ehm thought the drawing was pretty. If only I could do shading like that"

The artist's face lit up as he heard someone call his art pretty for the first time. "I cut up a goat and drank its blood to get drawing powers from Satan so thanks. Good to know I didn't do it for nothing y'know" He nudged Virgil's shoulder a bit but when he saw the frown on the touch repulsed boy's face he quickly stopped.

Pencil strokes and grey fingers from shading. When the teacher came over again her chin dropped. Remus proudly held up a portrait of a dog with her face on.

"Get it? You're a bitch" He cackled folding himself over the table. The emo couldn't help but smile.

'Everyone's so full of shit

Born and raised by hypocrites

Hearts recycled but never saved

From the cradle to the grave'

Remus ran up to Virgil sticking a half crunched together paper into his chest. With a big proud grin he watched as the shorter boy folded it out being meet with a weirdly realistic drawing of a rat coming out of his open mouth. His teeth were missing leaving dark empty holes in their place.

He retaliated a little dropping the paper as his fight or flight instinct told him to escape before the drawing became reality.

"Oops wrong drawing" Papers of people with their eyes scratched out and octopuses being eaten by the kraken flew by as Remus looked through his bag to find the right one "You called my drawing pretty so I wanted to do something in return" He bounced on his feet a little and did his best not to scratch at his arms out of nervousness. 

The drawing was of Virgil. It was fully inked and colored. He was sitting in a big flower field specifically one made up of daffodil and hydrangea. He was listening to music and looking tranquil.

"Th thanks" He said pretty caught off guard that someone would do this to him.

"Oh no worries. I just love making you all hot and bothered" He wiggled his eyebrows before half running away waving his hand.

You scared him

Good our genius plan of making him uncomfortable worked

You should take your medicationHe'll like you more if you're on it

I shouldn't

You have toYou know you will feel miserable with withdrawal if you don't

It's worth not doing it it in the end

Before you start the whole cycle over again

Nothing's worth it in the end that's why we should bang our head into the wall until we die

I can do better this time

You will never be betterYou're a bad person without your medicationYou want Virgil to not hate you right?

We should break his bones with a hammer

In the end the part of him who wanted to take the medication won, it always did.

He ran out into the woods that laid near the school building, digging around the dirt until he found what he was looking for. His top secret stash. With a contempt sigh he begun chugging painkillers down only taking breaks to flush them down with water. After the fifth he stopped as his head started feeling like it had been stuffed with cotton. For some reason his nose itched but like on the inside.

He sat down leaning against a tree waiting until a headache erupted and a smile came upon his face. The headache was the first sign that the pills were working and soon his thoughts would become a quiet mumble for just a little while and he would be normal.

He glanced over at the syringe laying next to the pack of painkillers whispering to himself. "Just one more time" With shaky hands he filled it with heroin but in the last second he threw it away deciding to keep holding onto the hope that he was getting better a bit longer. It had been 4 days since his last fix after all that must mean that he was making progress. Besides painkillers weren't really drugs right? If he took them every day he wouldn't be considered addicted right? If every moment he wasn't high on them felt wasted and pointless that meant nothing right?

His neck was suddenly so so very heavy and before he knew it he was laying limp in the grass. It took all his power to get up on his feet. When he got back he crashed into Virgil's room flopping onto his bed with arms and legs spread out like a starfish.

Virgil jumped up with surprise hesitating a bit before greeting him. "Sup Remus"

"Hi babe" He answered clasping his hands together and leaning his chin on top of them. "I'm high as fuck and I wanted to tell you that you are very cute. What I'm saying is that I would suck your dick if you asked me too. Nothing more than that though, I'm aro" He giggled a bit at how slow and muddled together his words sounded. His straight forwardness was the only straight thing about him.

"Ehm...thanks?" He pressed himself a little closer to the wall hoping that Logan or Patton would come back soon.

"Am I making you a bit anxy?" He waved his arms around as he continued "Sorry if I am"

"I. Kind of...Anyway. How do you even get the money for that stuff? Isn't drugs like expensive?" He did his best to change the subject away from himself. The stinky trash man was getting a bit too close for his comfort.

"My daddy is very rich. My parents are also rich" Remus answered looking very seriously at first before cracking up into a smile upon seeing how flustered Virgil became as he didn't know how to answer. "Jk. Oh you tickle me emo"

He patted the other's head a little stopping when he saw him squirm away from the touch. A crack began to form on his heart as he realized he was only making the situation worse. 

His memory was really really not good, like it was so bad he would sometimes start to wonder if something was wrong with it. The reason for it was that so much was going on in his brain all the time it got hard to take the outside world and then it's hard to remember stuff. Even so he did his best to remember something Virgil had said so he could make the conversation go better.

"Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Yousaid youwantedoto know how to shadebetter right?" When he finally remembered something he reeled it out in one breath.

"I guess-"

"I can teach you!" He jumped up from laying down instead opting for sitting on his knees and leaning forward with an excited grin. "As a professional shitbag I mean as a professional high class russian whore I mean as an amature artists it would be very neat to teach you some"

"...Sure why not. But maybe later" His phone beeped signaling that he had gotten a new message and from the fitting name on display (Princey) it was probably Roman. "I kind of have plans"

"Yeah, yeah of course you do" It was like all the air had been pressed out of him as his shoulders slumped down and he started staring down at his hands. "I also have plans since I am very popular. Goodbye fellow human" He hoped that rewatching 'My friend Dahmer' counted as plans because he did not like lying. He 

didn't give Virgil time to answer before hurrying out of the room but maybe he didn't even notice he left as he was busy typing something back smiling as he did so. 

Remus slammed his forehead into the nearest wall as it was a habit of his that helped him calm down.

He hates you

He thinks we're annoying

He'd rather be with Roman than meOf course of course why would anyone be with me if there's a better version right there

Anyone is better than youDon't blame Ro for you being so easily hate-able 

If he just held on to the feeling of his limbs being weightless and his brain loading and crashing he would be okay. He would be emotionless for just a little while longer.

Dee is right you're too weird no scary for anyone else but him to even stand being around

But Remy likes me

They just forces Themselves to hang with you out of pity

With slow steps he went over to  his desk taking out an almost empty paper with only some doodles from his brother in the corner. His brain got filled with ideas until he could imagine in exact detail how he would move the pen but he just couldn't. From out of nowhere a deep tiredness took over him.

The exhaustion laid down upon him like a weighted blanket. Slowly sinking into him until it reached every part of his body. His head sunk down onto the table as a cackle arose from his throat. Laughing at his own pitiful sorrow was the best relief he got.

He knew fully well this was the feeling he got when the painkillers started the process to exit his body. He crawled over to his bed laying down on his side with his arms around himself. Hate was the only thing he could feel expect for the deep tiredness.

Every day was the same and he hated it. He wanted to create so much. He wanted to fill walls with his drawings and now he couldn't even get the energy to stand up and he hated it. He hated that he would feel the same thing tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that. He hated that he could easily just stop or well it would be easy unless it felt like the pills was the only thing keeping him alive. Who would he even be anymore without them. He had been organizing his days after them for years, how many hours until he could get his next fix, how many lies could he tell to get away with it, how long would he have to hide the package in his pocket. What would he even do without them.

Sometimes when he was like this Roman would sit down next to him and sing until he either fell alseep or felt better but that was a long time ago now. He hugged a pillow pretending that it was a person and started half whispering half singing the text to one of his brother's favorite songs. 'Soldier' by Trixie Mattel.

Weirdness follows me wherever I go

Weirdness seems to know me even better than I seem to know myself

He smiled as he recalled Ro telling him he was the weirdness in his life.

An hour hand moves faster with a scotch And I drink a lot

But drinking only wakes you up at ten

Spend the day regrettin', but I'm bettin' that you'll do it all again

Next weekend

The smile turned into a frown when he related to the text in a whole new way.

Oh soldier, take your time

No one said the words all have to rhyme, and if they do it's fine

And even if they don't, no one needs to know

Woah woah soldier, you gotta let things go

He hid his face in the pillow fighting back the urge to scratch his arms open. 

"Are you alright?" Dee asked breaking through the spiral Remus was diving down into.

".....Just tired"

"Ah so it is that time again" He laid down on the bed so they were laying back to back. The warmth from him was enough for Remus to feel like he would be okay just a little while longer and the smell of smoke that always lingered on his clothing always made him calm down. "You're an idiot you realize that right?"

The boy in green nodded not caring that the one he was answering too couldn't see it. "This medication of yours won't help any of your problems in the end. It's an easy fix. It's destroying you Rem both mentally and physically. Can't you just stop?"

Can't you just stop?

Can't you just stop?

Can't you just stop?

Remus' breath started coming out in short choppy segments as his nails dragged up and down his arms embedding itself into his skin. "Stop making it sound easy!" He flinched from how angry it sounded and instantly wanted to apologize.

"Stop being childish by constantly putting your addiction before everything else in your life. It can't be that hard to just end it"

"Dee please-"

"What? I'm just giving you some realistic standards. I can not support you in all the things you d-"

Dee felt a pair of arms tighten around his waist and a head being pressed against his shoulder. In an instant the anger that had been bubbling inside his chest from Rem never changing his ways was blown away. He turned his head a bit nuzzling into the other boy's hair until he heard a happy sigh escape from his lips.

"Fancy hearing some cheesy pick up lines?" The snake like boy asked turning around so they were facing each other. "And don't say that they make you sick from how overly cute they are because I know they cheer you up"

Remus nodded eagerly twirling his mustache. Dee cupped his face with his hands saying with the most overdramatic tone he could muster "I'm holding the entire world in my hands because you are my world"

The boy in green's eyes widened but then he had to put a hand over his mouth to keep his laughter inside. "That one's so bad" He chuckled. "Oh OH I got one. Were you the one who left me bloody and beaten in a dark alley way after robbing me because you stole my heart"

"That doesn't even count as a pick up line"

"As if you can do better" Rem teased. 

"Watch me" Dee fake coughed to seem more neat. "Are you lost? Because hell is a long away from here"

"Hell yeah. It would be very fitting if I was a demon with horns because then I would be-"

"Don't"

"Horny all the time" Dee groaned for hearing that pun at least 10 times at this point. "Okay one last. The only flaw on your body is your lips, because they're not touching mine" He did finger guns but the other boy didn't seem to find it amusing. 

"Just so we're clear. This is just friendly banter got it" He asserted pinching the bridge of his nose.  

"Oh yeah yeah totally" Remus agreed moving a bit closer so his head was right under Dee's chin. "Just friends" 

If you would have hooked him up to a lie detector it would say that he was telling the truth. He was contempt with how things were and didn't want their relationship to escalate into something more.....The same could not be said about the other person in the room. 

'Dearly beloved are you listening?

I can't remember a word that you were saying

Are we demented or am I disturbed?

The space that's in between insane and insecure

Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?'

"So how are you dealing with your intrusive thoughts?" Picani asked 23 minutes into the therapy sessions.

Have we ever thought about maggots eating our eyeballs out? We should

We should force feed Roman 200 apple seeds so he dies

We could take Picani's pen and erupt his throat with it

"Great great! Never been better. Whenever they come I just ignore them. Works great"

"The reason you're getting better isn't self medicating I hope" The therapist answered pushing up his glasses.

"What? Nooo. Me and drugs are as unlikely as a fox and a spider fucking. Drugs was just an unhealthy coping mechanism I had before I knew what to do" He quoted Picani on the last part to which the older man seemed pleased.

Now came the part he hated the most. At the end of every appointment he had to take a drug test by peeing in a cup.

There are 3 ways to pass a drug test. 1 stop taking drugs and be sober. Remus had already failed that one so it was out of the question. 2 if you drink a ridiculous amount of milk and take a few special pills you will show up as clean....But it will probably kill you. Next. 3 Get someone else's piss. Easy right? The thing is that it has to be fresh since drugs tests can detect if it's warm or not.

There was only one window in the bathroom but it was screwed shut. Luckily someone who definitely wasn't Remus had shattered the glass with a rock. Every time someone asked principal Sanders about it he said they would replace it but they never did. The window was so big you could get out if you were okay with scratching your legs on the broken glass which he was.

He ran until he got outside his usual classroom. His twin sat closest to the window. It made it easier to daydream if you stared out the window longingly. The brother in green knocked mouthing that it was an emergency.

They had a deal. If Roman made it so that he passed the drug test every 2 weeks Remus would eat all the food his brother gave him without asking questions. The brother in red was used it at this point so when he saw his twin went to go see Dr. Picani he prepared for this. He opened the window slightly throwing out a bottle.

"You owe me at least 3 dinners for this" He whispered but the stinky trash man was already on his way back.

"Good job Prince. If you continue like this you'll be able to move back home in no time" Picani said after checking the results. 

Reality turned upside down at the prospect of returning home. Remus really really didn't want to go home. Even death was better than going back home.

'To live, and not to breathe

Is to die, in tragedy

To run, to run away

To find, what you believe'

Once again he was back deep in the woods next to the school where he hid his stuff. When he hid it in a bush a teacher had found it so he started diggin it down under the ground. But then Patton had found it when he was looking for stones and gems for his collection. So now his stuff was hidden under the corpse of a dead squirrel, he didn't mind and he hoped the squirrel didn't mind either. 

The stuff was 3 packages of 500 mg painkillers, The octopus plushie he got when he was 4,  2 bottles of water, a hammer and a syringe still filled up from the day before. He nervously passed around as he started taking the pills.

Every time he was at home it felt like he was being stuffed in a small box and the box got smaller and smaller until all his personality had been pressed out. Then he had to watch his personality slowly get executed. That's why he had started hanging out with...immoral people to say the least in the first place. To get away from home.

All his ideas were horrible they said. Everything he talked about was too gruesome they said. He was a bad person if he thought like that they said. It got to the point where he could barely walk around without his parents screaming at him. If you're going to get in trouble anyway why not getting in trouble for doing actual bad stuff?

Then the events of the 7th October entered his mind and he just got more motivated to continue taking the pills. The only way he would let himself come home was in a casket. 

When he tried to swallow the eight pill it just wouldn't. It's nothing unusual, it's just your body trying to protect to protect itself. Remus grabbed the pill forcing it down his throat until his gag reflex kicked in and then he chugged even more water to get it down. He hated doing it but it was worth it. 

He half stumbled back to his dorm after injecting the substance of the syringe into his vein. His pupils constricted and his nose began to run. It felt like he was trying to walk through jelly. Then it felt like his eyes were rolling into his skull. Rolling and rolling until he could see the stars and suddenly he was floating, His normally loud thoughts became a distant echo as nothing mattered expect how good he was feeling or more specifically what he was feeling right now. Nothing.

Luckily when he got back Remy was half asleep (for once) in their bed watching fab 5.

"Sup Rere" The insomniac greated.

"You know that one time a man got so drunk he threw up an entire fish he had just eaten? and then he ate it again. That is my goal" Remus ranted. 

"I get ya gal. Come on up to the chill zone" It looked like a hurricane had gone through the upper part of the bunk bed. blankets laid around randomly and snacks were hidden among them. They were trying out a new drink they had made up. It was a mix between an energy drink and high caffeine coffee. Remy handed the other man a beer asking. "You haven't taken those pills right?"

"No. No. I'm not that stupid or well some might think I am but no. I know what would happen"

"If you say so girl"

'And I leave behind

This hurricane of fucking lies

I lost my faith to this

This town that don't exist

So I run, I run away'

The next morning he woke up at 8 by Roman screaming about how he had awoken too late to put on makeup. The other brother who only ever used makeup to make his mustache more prominent opened his mouth to say that it was chill. He had the same face as moi after all but then an immense pain shoot through his body making the words get stuck in his throat. The world shattered like a broken spider web as his eyes filled up with tears.

You see the thing is. Never. Mix. Pain. Killers. And. Alcohol. It will painfully kill your liver and it takes at least 24 hours until you die. 24 hours of pain and Remus was only in the beginning.

"Wake up bro. It's breakfast time and you owe me" The hungover man just grunted in response "Whatever. If I gain because of this I will cut off your head with a sword" Roman took his bag and walked out of the room.

After around 10 minutes the brother left behind in the empty room started crawling out of the bed to get help. He realized his mistake the same time he realized he didn't want to die even though sometimes he wished he'd never been born at all.

After only taking one step his legs gave out under him making him fall down on the ground face first. His body twitched in pain and it felt like his skin was pulsing in rhythm to his heartbeats. He screamed out for help until it hurt just whispering and even then he stomped his fists to the ground trying to make any sounds at all. But nobody came.

Last time he had overdosed (26 pills, 1 heroin shot) waking up in the hospital bed with only his twin there watching over him hadn't been the worst part. It had been going to rehab. He was sick all the time and his hands shoke so much he couldn't draw. He had gone from freezing to melting in a second and he could never sleep. Now he feared having to go through that again. 

After almost 6 hours 'the good' twin came back from that day's classes. At first when he saw the unmoving body he said "Playing dead isn't fun Rem" Roman had been the one to find him half dead last time after all. He nudged at remus shoulder with his foot. It wasn't until he saw the tear streaks on his cheeks that he realized it was serious.

He took the other's head in his lap trying to remember what the doctors had done last time. Remus closed his eyes doing his best to go to his dreamland to get away from the pain and it worked as he fell asleep. Even though Roman shook his shoulders and yelled he wouldn't wake up.

'I don't feel any shame

I won't apologize

When there ain't nowhere you can go

Running away from pain

When you've been victimized

Tales from another broken home'