Song: We are ignited by Natewantstobattle

 Tw: Past child abuse, fire, mentions of death, self hate //Sorry if there's some broken English, proofread it at 2 am//

Get ready for me to vague post about the snake bitch's sad anime backstory

Long sleeved shirts hides a lot. It hides the small golden tattoo of a snake no one stoped him from getting on his wrist at 15. It hid the phone number to the helpline he scribbled down in yellow marker at 8. It hid the circular scars trailing up his lower left arm from the cigarette burns he got as a kid.

When Decan 'Dee' Prevara first came to the school the death of his mother wasn't fresh anymore. Neither was the burn scars over half his body from the fire she died in. But it still felt like it happened yesterday.

There were 5 people in the class when he joined. Elliot, Kai, Remy, Logan and Patton. 2 of them later got to go home.

He loved Patton from the start. Loved how pure and naive he is. Loved his freckles and soft hugs. Loved his caring looks and kind eyes. Loved how quiet he was nodding along to everything he said. Loved how starved for love and attention he was. Loved how he would do anything for it. Loved how he could hurt him as much as he wanted mentally and he still stayed in the hopes of getting just a bit of love again.

The first time they met was a moment he would never forget. During his first day he tried to not even look at anyone else afraid of what they might do to him if he showed any glimpse of vulnerability. When a sunglassed wearing fellow tried to introduce themself ("My name is Remy or as some call me, a hazard to society") he had just walked away as fast as he could. 

As lunch came around he stayed in the classroom. Patton had to tap on his shoulder to get his attention.

"What?" He had bit of barring his teeth to seem more threatening so he would leave sooner.

Since it was during the time when Patton wasn't talking he just placed his hand on top of the other's and smiled kindly at him. It was such an unfamiliar gesture it made butterflies flutter through his stomach. The then stranger signed something with his hands before pulling him up on his feet and with their hands still together he made him follow him out of the room.

In a way it was like he got pulled out of his shell that day. As they continued down the hallway the only thing he could look at was the back of Pat's head and a long since forgotten feeling of admiration returned to him.

When they stopped outside the cafeteria he tried to run though. He couldn't trust anyone yet and if they outnumbered him there was a bigger chance of him being hurt. Once more the bubbly boy tried to sign something but when he noticed that the other clearly didn't understand it he tried to convey with an expression that it was okay if he was scared and opened his arms. Slowly the other sunk into the hug letting his defenses down just a bit. Decan melted at the affection and never wanted to let go of him again. 

Instead of forcing him to be with the other's Patton took him outside and showed him different kind of flowers. The only form of communication they had was one of them writing in a notebook and the other replying to it but honestly it was enough for Dee to just be with him. 

During the coming time Patton was the only one he talked to and allowed near himself. He never understood what the other saw in him but he was just grateful he had someone to be with. Someone who even seemed to like him. Whenever he was close to him he felt safe. It was like the quiet boy was on a personal mission to break down all his walls and he had no way to stop it. It was like the warmth from him made the dark parts and doubt and fear in Dee slowly melt away bit by bit until one day he could smile back at him. 

------

Almost every night he had nightmares. Actually it was less like nightmares and more like a bunch of memories thrown together into one where he was forced into his old body and had to watch on as he re lived his trauma.

This night when he entered the dream he looked around and sighed when it was just the same as usual. Judging by the parts of his body he could see he was at least 7 and he was sitting at the table in the kitchen in his old house. Next to him was his mother. He couldn't remember her face anymore. All he saw her as now was a cloud of grey smoke with long silky hair trailing down over her shoulders. The red nightgown she often wore had always reminded him of blood and the smell of her cigarettes made him more stressed than anything else ever could. 

He sat in the third chair which was the farthest away from her. Kids were supposed to be seen not heard so he drew a picture of a butterfly in blue crayon as quietly as he could. When she wasn't looking he pinched himself so he would wake up sooner. It didn't work. 

Afterwards when he finally woke up he always got angry at himself for being so afraid during every dream. It had been years shouldn't he be over it by now. Yet every time he saw her fear seeped in under his skin darkening his eyesight until all he could see was danger. It made him so frustrated, he just wanted to be able to control what his brain felt and when it felt it. He was so tired of living with his defenses up.

The nightmares were long and treacherous. Hours on end filled with him desperately trying to come up with explanations or rather excuse why she would ever have hurt him.

"Why did you do it?" He asked pointing at one of the scars on his arm. At this time they were few and far between. 

"You weren't behaving on par of my standard. Too much constant talking. I'm the one providing you with food and shelter and you keep wanting more. You could even say I own you so you have no right to ever talk back to me. You hear that. I own you" She answered with a robotic tone. Who could blame her for sounding that way when it was Dee controlling what she said. It was his dream after all. 

"Why did you do it?" He growled remembering one of the many times his head had been slammed down into the table leaving his ears to ring and another bruise to form. 

"You deserved it. You reminded me to much of someone I hate and I have to stray you away from that path at all cost" Dee furrowed his eyebrows at the answer. Talking bad about the dead was far too disrespectful even for him. 

"Why did you do it?" He asked with a sharp tone standing up and leaning over the table.

"I just never liked you" That one was the one that hurt the most hearing. 

"Why did you do it?" He sneered extending his arm not even fighting back when she pressed a cigarette right down over a vein. 

"I understood that you would never stop with your stupid habits or learn my lessons unless you had constant scars on you" This one he disliked less. It made sense he thought. every scar had a lesson attached to it. Never interrupt her. Never become like the one you hate. It just went on and on.

"Why did you do it?" He winced closing his eyes from the pain. 

"The real world is unstable I was just trying to make you the strongest most perfect version of yourself"

He slammed his fists down into the wood as his calmness ran out. No matter what he did it wouldn't change what had happened. It didn't even make him feel better to get mad at her anymore. All he got was an anger blooming up inside of him. A fire that never died down.

He hissed at her. "I was a child. I didn't need to be strong I needed to be safe"

The smoke hiding her face started to blow away but before he could see anything he woke up with a panting breath. 

At first he thought something out of the dream had crawled out into reality because there was a heavy weight over his feet but then his eyes got used to the dark and he could see that it was just Remus sleeping like a dog at the end of his bed. Curled into a tight ball, his arms crossed over his chest with his hands on opposite shoulders. 

Dee sat up, for a while just doing nothing but feeling his heart beat out of his chest. The stuffed snake Patton had bought for him helped when the panic got to much. Looking down and seeing neon yellow from his shirt lighting up at him still surprised him but he'd loved the Christmas gift from Remus a weird amount so now he used it to sleep in. Also apparently before he got it Rem had used it which was very noticeable since it was a bit too big for him and it smelled bad. It was somehow reassuring to Dee to know that the other had used it, it made him feel less alone during the (few) nights he didn't wake up with the other in his bed. 

When Dee stood up the boy in green whined a little and his arm instantly reached out to him even though he was still fast asleep. As quietly as he could Decan fumbled around with his hands on the floor until he touched a soft fabric and gently placed The Duke plushie between Rem's arms and tenderly brushed the hair out of his face smiling a little to himself when Remus went back to looking peaceful.

It was easy to walk over to the bathroom without waking anyone since he was used to sneaking around. It was either way just 1 sleeping person in the room since Someone (Mr. Roman mctraitor mcbuttface Prince) had once again ditched their awesome stinky little dorm room for his boyfriend and Remy well they were sitting in the bathtub (there wasn't any water in it) posing to their phone while taking selfies. They just shoot fingerguns to the other when he came in. It wasn't the first time they had meet in the middle of the night to say the least.

Decan went over to the sink splashing water into his face to make the sweat on his forehead disappear. He frowned into the mirror. Somewhere along the way the passage of time had made his mirror show someone he didn't know. Both literally with the burn scars and metaphorically with how every now and then he looked back at things he'd told Patton and felt shame.

Carefully he traced the scars with his fingers. It was like a constant reminder of what had happened and he hated it. 

Before he left he threw a pillow at the insomniac just saying. "Sleep"

"You too babe" They replied waving cheerily with one hand and typing on their phone with the other. 

A strip of light illuminated Patton's room as Dee entered. He climbed into his boyfriend's bed snuggling up to him. For just a few seconds Pat opened his eye slightly just to see who it was. Then he pressed a kiss to the other's forehead already knowing that if he slept here it meant he had had a rough night which was why he almost every night woke up with him entangled with him. Dee just pulled him closer mumbling "I love you"

He didn't expect an answer since there was already snoring coming from the other. With a more calm feeling in his chest he closed his eyes and when he opened them again he was surrounded by fire.

The air was black from smoke and in the distance sirens could be heard. To his surprise he was still wearing the neon shirt and he was still in his 16 year old body. He hastily looked around until he spotted what the was looking for. Stuck under pieces of fallen wood laid the younger version of himself screaming and crying and wishing that death would come faster.

With a snap of his fingers time stopped and everything went quiet. 

Somewhere in the house his mother was dying. One time in one of the many dreams reciting this event he had tried to go up and look at her corpse. It hadn't worked. It was probably for the best. A part of him still wished that the fire had taken them both. 

He hunched down next to one of him frozen in fear and patted his head saying with an ice cold tone. "You were so naive. So stupid. You should have known better than to ever trust people. Everyone will leave. I wish I could have told you that. You have to make sure no one ever does again. The best way too keep yourself safe is to never let anyone close ever again" For a moment he smiled closing his eyes and laughing at his own stupidity. "But I've already made that mistake haven't I. Twice even"

You found a way out of this place, It's a permanent escape

Before he had time to continue a fluttering glowing light of blue catched his attention. There was a blue butterfly roaming through the small room. It was almost like it was staring at him. When he stood up it flew away out of the house. He ran after it in hopes of seeing something new in his nightmare. 

Just take a chance and save it for a rainy day

The moment he exited the house the nature and his clothes changed. Suddenly he was wearing a cheap black suit and it was raining. Hushed whispers surrounded him. "10 years old and all alone. Poor kid" "No relatives left" "She was such a lovely friend. Lost to soon"

The fact that they buried his parents next to each other always made a satisfied happy feeling flood through his veins quickly followed by guilt over feeling malicious towards the dead. He knew it would have made his mother pissed if she knew she had to lie next to the one she hated the most. 

In the distance among the woods the blue creature waited for him and he left the graveyard as fast as he could. 

You found an open door inside

When he lost sight of the butterfly he was standing in his room in his first foster family. It was a kind old couple but he ran away before they had the chance to let his hopes down and hurt him. Out of the room he continued on following the soft tint of a blue trail left for him.

But the journey isn't right

Second family. Good hiding spots. Never had any use for them since it was yet another relatively nice family at least in his standard. His was standard was very low though. He just kept on running after the butterfly.

The room's too small to spread his wings out and take flight

With his heart beating rapidly and his breathing raspy from running Dee stopped putting his hands on his knees to save energy. When he looked around at ever so changing surroundings his breath stopped completely. 

"Nonono" He whispered to himself backing until his back hit a hard grey concrete wall. 

When his whole body wanted to give out and sink down to the ground he tried his best to remand himself that it was just a nightmare. One which just happened to feel very real. 

Tall old buildings surrounded him. In the corner between two of them sat a shaking figure. It was  cold almost freezing and the person clearly wasn't dressed for it. The figure was yet another younger version of Decan this one almost 13. It had gone a week since he had run away from the second foster family. He was so afraid of someone finding him and forcing him back. Nothing bad had happened, he just couldn't stand having to trust other people yet.

Later on through a lot of therapy he realized that his standard for a nice family was a neglectful one. One which never even tried to find him when he disappeared. 

The older him stood behind him and hissed at him mockingly. "Stop worrying so much idiot. No one will come. No one is looking for you. No one cares. You're alone"

The butterfly circled around him almost so near that he could reach out and touch it but before he could it had gone on out of the alley. He shot one last pitiful glance at the frightened kid before continuing. 

Don't look before you take a fall, Who knows when you could lose it all

The setting was eerily similar but this time he wasn't alone. This time the young him was following someone. From the clothes alone the one who was aware it was a dream knew he had been homeless for a little over a year. By the way him barely eating during this time is the reason he's short, it kind of stunted the growth. It was edging on summer.

In the distance he saw the ones he was following. It was group of 5 people but he kept staring at one of them. one which had short black hair and a lip piercing and blue bracelets covering his wrists. The young him hid behind the nearest object peaking out every now and then to look at him. He was overtaken by the feeling of being attracted by a boy for the first time. 

Suddenly the group stopped and he could see a slightly older guy come down the street, one which the group seemingly didn't know. Dee went over to his younger self putting an almost protective hand on his shoulder and saying.

"Do something. Don't just stand here. Go up to him. Stop him. Everything could have changed. Do you even know how many nights I've spent thinking about what I've could have done. Do something!" His tone turned more aggressive with each word. "If you don't go up to him now you're worthless. Hear that. You're nothing. No one wants you"

Of course the other couldn't hear him and no matter how much he tried he wouldn't be able to change what had happened. For some reason he kept coming back to this moment. Kept thinking that maybe he could have befriended the mesmerizing boy. Maybe he could have gotten a place to stay at regularly instead of finding the warmest place every night. Maybe he'd never even have had to go to the school. Maybe the other hadn't have to either. It saddened him to think that he would have never met Patton but it also made him happy to think that he would have had a shoot to have a more normal life. 

"Get away from me you stupid piece of shit!" The stranger yelled. 

Dee immediately turned away not wanting to watch what unfolded again, hunching down and covering his ears. He tried to make his younger self do the same but he just kept watching still trying to figure out what the things he was feeling make sense. Then the hope inside of him was snuck out as the fight started. When the first hit landed and with it the first beg to stop Decan winced out of sheer instinct knowing exactly how being hit like that felt.

The butterfly landed in front of him waiting for him to follow. After taking in a few shaky breaths for air he followed the beautiful creature being extra careful not to look back on the violent scene unfolding behind him. 

The medications, new sensations have left you out in the cold

The rest of his stay on the street goes by in a flash. He just keeps running. Running through the times he'd been mocked for his scars. Running through the moments of kindness from strangers. Running through his first relationship. A quick one. One which he had entered more to feel safer than because he actually liked the other. 

Then suddenly he was back in the social office and a lady was talking with a comforting voice to him. Somehow after all this time they had finally realized he was missing and that maybe his second foster family wasn't the best choice but this time he would be placed somewhere nice she promised. In the next second he was standing in the green grass outside the school and the butterfly had finally stopped moving. 

He reached out his hand almost instinctively and the butterfly landed. It was so light and it started to glow more than before. The glow got stronger until he could barely see anything and when he regained his sight the butterfly was gone but he was holding Patton's hand and his lovely boyfriend was standing beside him smiling up at him.

He pulled him into a hug which turned into the first step of a slow dance and he could swear that the sun dimmed a little as if nature was changing the scenery into a dance floor. He rested his head against Pat's shoulder and held onto him so hard his soft blue shirt wrinkled.

"I want to wake up" He mumbled to the other. "I don't want to have to relive it again. Please don't make me go through it again"

The reason you should never start a fire on top of a rock or a rocky hill is that the smoke goes down into the rock creating crack in it's cores and even though it's not noticeable at first the damage is forever lasting. Decan was like a rock with too many cracks inside of him. On the outside he seemed stone cold, emotionless sometimes but the cracks were slowly tearing him apart and all it would take was a little more smoke and he would fall apart completely.

Patton didn't respond. Instead he spun him around giggling a little when Dee stumbled nearly tripping over his feet. As the dance continued the sun slowly got lower until it was completely gone behind the trees. The only light was the silvery shine from the moon.

Suddenly the dance stopped and Patton let go of his hand. He started to walk away, disappearing into the darkness. Dee tried to run after but something took ahold of his feet making him fall down on his knees. He reached out towards the other calling after him.

Broken distorted sounds came from everywhere around him making him tense up. He tried to kick the things holding him back off of him but it just made them slither farther up his legs.

'You're my sunshine' Was the words he could make out from the sounds.

Before Dee had time to do anything else the things moved up to around his throat. He let out a startled yell before his air was cut off. In a panicked state and with the small amount of light he could barely make anything out but as his eyes adjusted to the dark he saw the things strangling him were green tentacles. They continued to swarm around his chest and shoulders making him unable to fight them off. Suddenly he was being lifted off the ground which made the last air in his lungs get forced out.

Surely he should have died in the dream and woken up by now. Surely it had to be over now. Then he realized that it only felt like he couldn't breath. It hurt. It hurt so badly but he was being kept alive.

Around him the blue butterflies swarmed picking at his skin, his hair, his eyes. They stared at him with black eyes. He wasn't the type to yell out for help so he was alone in the darkness. Quiet winces leaving his mouth when the pain go to much. 

'My only sunshine' The sounds continued.

The sounds of buzzing interrupted the singing. Hesitantly he opened one of his eyes and instinctively gasped for air when the tentacles gripped onto him tighter.

"P...Patton" He whispered out for help with a raspy voice.

As if the dream was listening a small square tv materialized out of thin air hovering a little in front of him. To his left another one appeared and to his right and more and more and if he could have turned his head he was sure that there would be more behind him. 

'You'll never know dear, how much I love you' The distorted singing continued.

The butterflies got more violent. Tearing into his scars. The first tv turned on showing a quite recent memory. It showed the time he had gone to hang out with Patton and he'd found him teaching Logan how to dance. The memory was overflowing with jealousy and distrust and hate. It was like mist flowing out of the screen and moving into him making his chest burn with the feelings.

The other tvs turned on showing similar memories of seeing his boyfriend being with other people specifically one. Dee gritted his teeth. No one else even knew Logan the way he did. He had to stop him from taking his love. He had to destroy him.

'Please don't take my sunshine away' The distorted sounds stopped coming and the silence was even more unsettling than the song. 

The loud unnerving sound of another tv turning on would have made him flinch if the tentacles weren't keeping him in place. At the same time he reacted to the memory shown so did the tentacles. Shooting up so they were keeping his eyelids open. 

The memory one was just a few days old. In it he had woken up alone in his bed which was unusual in of it's own. Then when he had gone over to Patton's room he had found Virgil and Remus having a horror movie marathon night...and he had looked so happy without Dee. It hurt. 

What if he realized there were better people than Decan. What if he left him forever. What if he stopped constantly following him around and saying his stupid gory charming idiotic thoughts every chance he got. What if Patton and Remus started to hate him and found others and he was all alone again. 

Dee covered his eyes with his hands trying to get away from the memories. He was gasping for air and his fingers had gone numb. Everything was spinning around him and his thoughts were muddled together leaving only the loudest ones to be heard. The ones about how he would never be loved. Then maybe it was the dream affecting him but the angry thoughts got louder.

The ones that told him that he wasn't to blame if anyone left him it was the other person's fault. How dare Patton talk back to him after everything he had done to help him. How dare Remus avoid him when he had been the first to even try and reach out to him. How dare they try to anger him when he always did his best to stay by their side.

Or maybe it wasn't even their faults. Maybe it was the people around them. maybe Remy and Virgil and Roman and certainly Logan was to blame. Maybe he just had to..push them aside a little to get what he wanted. 

A wicked smile filled with glee spread against his face as a marvelously horrible plan started to manifest in his brain. If his appearance changed depending on how 'evil' he acted the burn scars would have turned into scales and his tongue would have gotten longer and his teeth would have turned sharp and pointed almost as sharp as his elongated nails. He was fully aware of how bad the things he was thinking of were but then again wasn't in his right to find a little happiness after everything's he's been through. Just a shame really, that that happiness had to make someone else miserable. 

Slowly he lifted the hands covering his eyes away and looked around at the memories. He growled to himself. "I will make sure no one ever leaves me again"

You pray and hope for better days
You're just a kid who lost his own way

......So that was dark.....sorry?.....Here's some cute cat pictures to brighten the mood