TW: Uncensored cussing, gore, intrusive thoughts, stabbing mention, eyeball gore, slight creativitwins angst, Remus angst, Roman angst, platonic anceit angst, implied PTS, masochism, mentions of death (kinda), car crash, s*xual jokes

Also contains: Platonic LAMP/royality, platonic anceitmus kinda, Remus(/Roman?)-centric, small mentions of Christianity kinda, 

If any of this bothers you, I encourage you to not read this. 

 This was inspired by me almost stabbing my eye out with a fork, so yeah.

Let me know if I missed anything and enjoy!

Human AU

(Btw, everyone uses he/him except Logan (they/them), Janus (he/they), and Remus (it/its). Roman is gonna use he/him for Remus a few times because he didn't know it was using it/its. 

Remus also has an incredibly high pain tolerance in this, which might explain some stuff.

Roman's POV:

I jolted awake,  panic flooding my senses.

The sharp rings of a phone quieted, and for a second I thought I had dreamt them. I relaxed a bit, trying to remind myself where I was. Something heavy (a human. Patton?) lay on my chest, still breathing stea-

*Briiiiiinnnnngggg*

I jolted violently, twisting my head around so quickly I thought I'd snapped my neck. Red-hot pain flooded it as I choked out a gasp.

The phone was still screaming, somewhere. It sounded like it was coming from beside me, but lower, somehow.

Someone groaned. The weight on my chest snuggled further into my shirt.

"What is that?" Whisper. Logan.

"Who the hell is calling me at... 2 in the morning?" Angry. Virgil. He groaned again.

I focused on my breathing as Virgil had taught me.

In for four... hold for eight... out for seven. That was louder than I wanted it to be.

"Ro-ro? What's wrong." The voice was sleepy and light. It was Patton's. He was looking up from my chest, worry sketched onto his face.

"Nothing, I'm wonderful, darling. Just a bit startled." I forced a small smile and kissed him on the forehead.

He laughed and lay his head down in my chest again, this time tilted towards our two friends currently on the floor.

Virgil had a hold of his phone and swiped to answer it, abruptly cutting off the ringing.

Thank god.

"What the fuck do you want?" Virgil said, too tired to remember to censor himself. No one seemed to care.

There was a pause. Then; "Get to the point. And this better be an emergency."

I'll say. I was having a wonderful dream. What was it about?

Another pause, longer this time.

Virgil's face suddenly lit up as something clicked, though I couldn't tell if it was good or bad.

"Oh shit. Oh shit!" Bad. Virgil pushed himself up hurriedly as he grabbed his jacket from the floor beside him. "Why are we even talking, you should be calling an ambulance or something!"

Patton sat up. "Virgil? Kiddo? What's wrong?"

"Who needs an ambulance?" Logan asked, getting up with their floor buddy.

"How can I help?" I asked, pushing myself into a sitting position and bracing my feet on the floor.

"I-" Virgil's panicked eyes snapped between all of us hurriedly, and more talking came from the phone.

"Breathe, Virgil. Everything is okay." Logan said.

Virgil spit out a quick puff of air and did his best to take a deep breath. "Uh- whew. My friend really hurt itself, and it won't get an ambulance. I have to go help it. I'm sorry." He pushed away from Logan and speed-walked towards the front door.

"Virgil, you can't drive!" Logan yelled after him, slightly ending forward.

He was right, too. Only me and Logan really could, but I was the only one that ever did at night.

"Virgil, wait!" I yelled as I pushed myself off the couch and ran after him. I glanced back to the other two, who were up but hesitant to follow, not wanting to overwhelm Virgil, and I smiled. "Nothing will harm him, I promise."

Then, I dashed out the door in chase.

Remus' POV:

"No! If anyone tries to put me in one of those I'll shove my eyeball down their throat!" I screamed into the empty air, though aiming at the phone I had thrown on my couch a few seconds ago.

"Okay! Okay. No ambulance, I promise. But we have to take you to a hospital!"

"Great! Just no squeaky death cars!"

"Great." Virgil's still sleep-husky voice filtered through the phone, on speaker so I could hear it.

Satan, how I wanted to strangle him when he sounded like that.

Not the point.

"Where's Dee? Aren't they supposed to be with you?"

"He went out a while ago, probably to see his fuckbuddy or something. The bastards too... busy to answer his phone right now." I growled a bit and crawled back to the phone, almost unsuccessfully restraining myself from chucking it again.

Virgil wasn't saying anything. Did he snap his neck or something to get away from me?

No. He was breathing, heavily, and 'EMOBOY' still glowed at the top of my screen. The clock hiding somewhere in my floorboards kept ticking, even though I had tried thousands of times to get rid of it. 

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

Uuugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Tick

Tock

Tick

I wiped some of the blood off my cheek.

Tock

Tick

Shit, did he die?

Tock

C'mon Virgie, the silence is killing me! Where are you?

Ti-

"Okay."

Finally! Goddamn ghosty, could you be any more fucking deficient?!!

"Seriously, Remus?! You're hurt so badly you could barely talk for a while, and the only thing you can think to do right now is insult me?"

Shit. I said that out loud.

"Yeah, you did, dumbass. Now get outside."

"Whatever, bitch boy."

I slammed my front door shut behind me and hopped down the steps. Every smash of my feet against the stone shook The Fork, which made it feel like I was getting repeatedly shot with an exploding bb.

Kind of felt good.

A white Subaru pulled up in front of my apartment and a very agitated Virgin got out.

He was kind of hard to see in the dark. Plus there was the fact that my only working eye at the moment was, like, super blurry. I did notice him trying to hold back puke.

"What the fuck, Remus?!" He asked, holding his mouth and nose shut.

"I told you it was bad, ViVi! Else I wouldn't have interrupted your orgy or whatever."

"It wasn't-! Whatever, you're not gonna listen to me like this. Just get in the car."

Roman's POV:

'Remus?!'

The word echoed through my mind, not quite sticking anywhere, but still kicking up hundreds of harried thoughts and melancholic memories.

It couldn't be my Remus, right? It couldn't be the kid that had broken into my room hundreds of times just to hang out with me and whose favorite way to get my attention was to attack me...

That boy was dead. He had died ten years ago in a fire. And he wasn't coming back.

Right? 

The back door slammed shut. 

A glance in the rearview mirror showed Virgil, hands covered in blood, trying to stop the bleeding from-

Oh, Santa Mozzarella. 

(AN: Yes, Roman unironically picked up some of Giulia's catchphrases from Luca, fight me.)

Its mustache was acting like a strainer, letting the bright, dirty blood ooze out of it in long drops. Caught inside the light orange hairs were tiny bits of black plastic and pieces of food long forgotten. At some point, it had wiped some of the blood away, staining its normally sickly skin a crusty, wooded red. 

It laughed, though the sound was closer to that a squishy little baby would make as they choked to death on their own tears. The sound twisted my intestines into knots that shoved themselves back up my throat in an attempt to escape. 

The collapsed mess above its nose entered my vision for a moment, and I snapped my eyes away.

Puke that tasted like copper welled in my mouth.

I slammed my foot and we lurched off into the darkness.

It had been almost fifteen minutes since we had picked up... Remus from its apartment. My mind was still going a thousand miles a minute, and I was barely able to focus enough to drive without landing us in a ditch. 

Virgil kept calling the... person- thing- extraterrestrial being in the backseat Remus. I hadn't heard that name in years, except when it meant the character from Harry Potter. It's not like it was a popular choice among parents. 

And how many had the sheer audacity to stick a fork in their own eye and then act like it wasn't even a big deal? How many were even able to still be conscious in this situation? How many were gingers?

What would it even mean if it was my twin in the backseat? I loved him, yes, but... he was bad.

Wa-

"Roman, watch out!"

I slammed the brake as the car in front of me pulled to a full stop.

A black and red blur flew past my head. 

Something moist and gummy-like hit the back of my neck. 

"Fuck!"

I startled violently and twisted the steering wheel. 

Someone screamed. 

Tires screeched against asphalt.

My head flew to the side.

Something slammed my face back. 

Everything went black. 

.....

My ears are ringing. Are those... sirens?

.....

"Sir. Can you hear me?"

"Mhnohhhmashed,,,po...."

.....

"No! No! I'll fucking kill you! I'm not going in there! No ambulance- esssss... fuck yoouu."

Thud. 

.....

"Hang on, sir. You're gonna be okay."

.....

1 hour after the crash, Virgil's POV. 

A little bit of Unsymp!Janus and Virgil here? Maybe?

I turned on my heel again and continued to pace through the waiting room, the hundreds of thoughts swarming through my mind making it impossible to understand any of them. 

Logan stood up in front of me, sighing. "The doctors are taking care of them. We can't do anything now, so we may as well try to sleep. It is still early in the morning."

"I know, Logan! I just-" I was cut off by my phone suddenly ringing for the second time that morning. "Gah, what?!"

I pulled it out of my sweater and groaned when I saw the username. 

"Are you actually serious right now, Janus?"

"What is your problem? And why do I have so many missed calls from you and Remus?" A very sleepy, very hungover, snake bastard responded. 

"Wh- Are you kidding me? Remus is in the hospital right now because he stabbed himself in the eyeball with a takeout fork when you were supposed to be watching to make sure that didn't happen!"

"No, I wasn't. You're supposed to come home after classes. I had a date scheduled tonight that I told you about ages ago. I mean, is one night for myself so hard to ask?"

"Of course not! But I never remember you telling me about any sort of date and I texted you literally, like, ten minutes after class ended saying that I was going to a study group with college friends, one of whom is also in the hospital because of this, by the way."

"That's not my fault, and I didn't see any such message."

"Serious- you know what- whatever. Did you forget Remus stabbed himself? Get over to *hospital name*. Now."

I hung up and sighed angrily. I mean, who does this snakey bitch think they are?

"Virgil? Who was that?" Logan was staring at me slightly hesitantly, still standing up in front of me.

I sighed and shoved my phone back into my pocket. "Ugh, um. He's me and Remus' friend."

I could see Logan holding back correcting my grammar, and I chuckled a bit. 

Patton spoke up hesitantly from a chair beside us. "That was your friend?"

"Yeah," I said, taking another deep breath. "I mean, we've known each other for ages and we even live together usually, it's just that sometimes... communication makes things hard between us."

"And this... 'Remus'. Do things like this happen often with him?" Logan spoke up.

"Not... really. But he has been known to be kinda masochistic and impulsive, and sometimes it gets hard for him to control his... thoughts. So, we usually have to make sure someone's with him to make sure he doesn't lose control or else... this happens."

"Oh..."

"Yeah."

"..."

Movement in the side of the room caught in the corner of my eye and my head snapped up to the opening door, and the doctor coming through it. 

"Ms. Ramirez?" The doctor asked, looking up from their keyboard. 

Shit.

This 'Ms. Ramirez' got up from where she had been sitting, smoothing out her skirt as she walked up to the doctor. "Yeah. How is she?"

The doctor smiled slightly. "Your girlfriend is in good condition. She woke up a few minutes ago and is asking to see you. If you'd just follow me I can take you to her."

"Of course. Thank you!" Ramirez smiled and followed the doctor back out. 

The door clicked behind them, shutting us back in this stupid room without so much as a glance from the doctor.

I groaned and collapsed back into a chair. Maybe Logan was right. I should at least try to relax.

Logan sighed and sat down beside me. "Thank you."

*Spongebob voice*: Twenty Minutes Later

The door opened again and my eyes lazily looked up to it. 

Standing in the doorway, looking majorly pissed, was Snakeface himself. His clothes were more rumpled than I had ever seen them and the little bit of hair I could see under his hat was tangled and messy, but at least he was here. 

I got up and approached him. "Finally."

I don't have the motivation to finish this right now and I really want to publish something. I might come back to this later.

Basically, Virgil and Janus kinda fume at each other while Patton kinda tries to break the tension and Logan just sighs and reads a book.

Eventually, the doctor comes for them. Both of them are okay-ish. Roman took the brunt of the force, broke a few bones, got a concussion, but he'll be fine. Remus' main injury is it's eye. It will heal mostly but for now he's gonna have to wear a bandage over it. 

After it heals, it still looks kinda weird and Remus can't see out of it still so it gets a wide array of eyepatches that it usually wears. Whenever it wants to freak a Karen out or something it takes it off and shows off it's eye. 

Sometimes it takes it off just to chew on it. Because of this, Roman ends up getting it a few chew stim toys. 

Speaking of, Roman and Remus make up mostly. Turns out Remus had almost died in that fire but hadn't and their parents just didn't want to deal with it anymore so they put it in foster care and told Roman it was dead.

Virgil and Janus also chill out. Like Virgil explained, they were friends they were just having a fight then because they miscommunicated and partly because of that this happened. 

Remus and Janus end up joining the friend group and after college is finished they all move close to each other as they do their respective jobs. Yeah.

Anyway, byyeeeeee!