TW: Swearing, toxic relationships, several mentions of vomiting, self deprication and fighting.

September, 3rd.

I saw you in the cafeteria. You're kinda cute, not gonna lie. You were fighting someone, so I'm sure he deserved it. You broke their nose and it was hilarious. Meanwhile, I had to sit with my brother who gossiped about this emo boy we saw on our summer holidays. I hope I can talk with you one day.

September, 5th.

You came into the cafeteria a little later today and, let me just say, you gave me such a better view than the jocks did. Like, damn, man. You had someone else with you and the two of you seemed pretty close. I gotta say, I hope you aren't dating him. He looks kinda familiar, too.

September, 9th.

For once, you didn't have that boy with you. He's really emo, did you notice that? I got in a fight with the same person you got in a fight six days ago. I hope you noticed, my brother scolded me though, so I hope you didn't notice that. That would be pretty awkward.

September, 12th.

Do you actually like the sandwich you had? I mean, seriously, dude, you left to go to the bathroom so I smelt your food and you had salmon in your sandwich! I really wanted to sniff the rest of your food but your emo friend saw me, mainly because he was still sitting at the table, and told me to scram. My brother was sooooo embarrassed.

September, 13th.

The emo boy and you kept looking at me weirdly from across the cafeteria. He was pointing a whole lot and the two of you were talking together. I think my brother believed the emo was talking about him. He's gotten quite a crush on him, y'know!

September, 18th.

You got moved to my science today. That means you're now in the top set. People get confused about how I'm good at science because it's complex and I'm an idiot. Honestly, I have no idea. I really hoped that the Professor would put you next to me because no one ever sits next to me but no. He put you next to Logan Croft. I hate Logan now. Which is a shame because he's honestly pretty cute. But you're hotter.

September, 20th.

My brother's holding a huge party for Halloween this year and I told him to invite you. He looked at me oddly, especially because I didn't give a name because I don't know your name and you should tell me your name even though I sniffed your sandwich a week or so ago. I'm a great guy, all my friends would say so if I had any. Although, at lunch, you weren't eating salmon. I should know, I took a picture of you to keep in case you moved schools or something and your sandwich was in the shot. It had cheese in it, I think.

Cheese is cool. I can forgive you for eating salmon if you eat cheese.

September, 24th.

So, brother didn't invite you, instead, he invited the emo boy and gave him a plus one offer. I hope emo boy takes you. Wait, no, I don't. I got those pictures of you on my phone, what if one of you get in? Would that ruin my shot with you? Whatever, it's not like I'll get them printed out or anything. I don't need to worry too much.

October, 1st.

I got the pictures printed out.

October, 3rd.

I pinned the pictures to my drawing board. I wrote different post-it-notes and added them to each photo. Each one said why I took the photo and why you're so beautiful and why I don't deserve you. I don't deserve anything nice, I'm such a stupid whore.

October, 4th.

My brother is judging me severely because he saw me putting heart stickers around your face.

October, 5th.

My brother asked me to get a good picture of the emo boy. He's learning so well from the master of stalkers. I hope you don't mind that I took a picture of your friend. He was waiting for you outside of class, in the corridors, so I took a picture for my brother. Then I took a picture of you bickering with the teacher. You're hot when fighting.

You're hot all the time.

October, 8th.

The emo boy cornered me during break and told me to lay off his cousin. I think he means you. You don't look anything alike if I'm honest. He was probably adopted or something... Just so you know, I didn't listen to a word he said and I watched you all though out lunch! You shouted at a first year, which was hilarious. I think she pissed herself.

October, 12th.

We had to get the house decorations from Walmart today so you better be coming! I hate that place and all the, "Have a good day,"'s' that you hear. I saw you at lunch again too. You were wearing a fedora and it suited you.

October, 18th.

Honey, I swear I saw you drink iced tea during the science lecture today! I mean, you've looked pretty gay but now you're actually stooping to the stereotype so I took a picture and then got my phone confiscated for texting during a lecture. Also, I learned that your name begins with a 'J' or something. I don't know why but I always assumed it'd be something with a 'D' instead.

Your name better not be James, I want it to be similar to mine. That's cute.

October, 21st.

You nearly caught me taking a picture of you again. I hope you don't think I'm a stalker or anything. I'm just really bad at talking to people, ask my brother! Everyone thinks I'm weird, anyway. I'm not a yandere or anything but you're the first person who's caught my eye like this. Honestly, everyone gets someone when they do stuff like this but you'll probably just bitch slap me, which I'll probably deserve.

October, 23rd.

The party's getting closer and I'm getting nervous. If you don't come, I don't know what I'll do. Hell, I don't even know what I'll do if you do come. I'll probably just watch you from the side of the room. Why can't I just not be creepy for once? I'm just too shy to say anything to you but I'm too determined to leave you alone. My brother's started to chat up your emo friend and he's sitting with you now at lunch. I know he never wanted to sit with me but he did to get the pity, probably. Everyone pities the people who put up with me. It's probably because I'm fucked up, just like they say.

Well, I didn't ask to be the younger, accidental twin. It isn't my fault my parents wanted one child, not two. I didn't ask to get starved of attention.

I wonder if your parents love you. If they don't, they should because I hope you know that you're beautiful and smart and charming. I see the way you make people laugh. I wish you could make me laugh, I guess I need to experience a proper laugh at least once in my life... I won't deserve it though.

October, 24th.

You bumped into me in the corridors today and I mooed at you.

I'm really sorry, I kinda freaked out. I played it off pretty cool though, I just laughed as I ran down the corridor. Then I skipped my next lesson to sit in the boys' bathroom crying and vomiting because I messed up so bad and you probably think I'm the freakiest person ever. The emo helped me, though. I think he had a panic attack.

He said that some people vomit when they feel anxious about something that's happened but it's pretty uncommon. I nearly got detention for getting to the science lecture twenty minutes late. The teacher knew I'd been vomiting when I spoke to him with sign language. I use sign language with all my teachers when I'm upset and they actually take it upon themselves to learn.

That's why I like Mr Bailey. He didn't ask me any questions, either.

October, 25th.

My brother tried to sit with me at lunch today, I guess the emo told him that I'd been vomiting because of anxiety in the bathroom. I got defensive and pushed him away. We got in a loud fight. The entire cafeteria was listening because we started shouting. I stormed out and hid by the dumpster behind the school. I never usually walk away from a fight.

You're really fucking me up and you don't even know it.

October, 26th.

I didn't go for lunch today. I didn't want to humiliate myself in front of you again. The emo, Virgil, I think his name is, found me and gave me some of his lunch. We didn't speak, but it was nice having someone there. I think he's forgiven me for taking pictures of you or something. He said before he left that I'm an okay guy. I'm glad he left before I began to cry happily. No one's ever said that to me. It was nice.

You were giving me weird looks though when I refused to let Roman drive us back home. You probably think I'm insane. I probably am. What kind of freak takes pictures of the person he likes, moos at them, sniffs their food and never says a word?

I never had any friends, and I don't know how to act because no one bothered to teach me. I got in a fight with Dad again, today, so I guess that happened. He called me a slob and a fat, bumbling rat. Mom didn't offer any sympathy. We rarely get along. The moment I mess up, I'm getting shouted at. At least they behave in front of Roman. I may be the younger twin but, sometimes, I think I'm the older brother.

I hope you'll come to the party.

October, 27th.

I messed up again.

I went too far and now the emo hates me. I made fun of his name and he snapped and left and now I don't even have a friend to rely on. I don't know why I took this book to school with me I guess, since you arrived, it's been my only way to rant about how unfair the world is. Roman was never a good outlet, he'd always relate my problems to his problems. He doesn't mean to, I know he's trying to help and he thinks that I'll believe I'm not alone if there are any similarities in the gossip he hears and my problems.

However, I finished my homework during lunch, because I didn't go to the cafeteria and I did it behind the dumpsters, so I got a whole free couple of hours. I set up the house for Romans' party. I don't know why I did. I guess I was trying not to be a fat, little slob or anything because, boy, am I a fat, ugly, lazy slob!

Roman loved it but my parents nitpicked every little detail. Roman said it was perfect and it was exactly how he wanted it to be. He even hugged me. It feels nice to be hugged. No one's ever hugged me before unless it's for a family photo but then they're forced to and it's not real, just like your smile.

Wow, that got dark. I'm such a wannabe edgelord, just like Roman once said.

You probably think I'm a creep but I looked over your shoulder when we were leaving the science lecture today and I saw you had your notebook name-tagged. Your name is Janus Viper.

Janus. I think it's a beautiful name, much better than being called something ugly like Remus. Remus is such a dirty name, it's always for that idiot, over-the-top villain. Janus, though, is really cool. I googled its' meaning and, although I didn't find any, it relates to this old god who had, like, two faces.

You're beautiful, just like your name.

October, 28th.

I went to the cafeteria because I kinda hoped Roman would sit with me after yesterday but he was too busy trying to copy Logan Croft's' homework. I sat at our usual table and was going to eat alone but Virgil joined me. Your cousin is super nice, by the way. He forgave me for making fun of his name and apologised for snapping at me but he looked kind of worried when I said that usually I always have to apologise because I'm a stupid, lazy rat who doesn't know anything and it's always my fault anyway. I don't know why he looked so concerned, it's just what I hear from home a lot.

You kept giving us weird glances though and it made me panic. You probably hate me and I'm too shy to ask you. I never thought I'd be shy, you just have that effect on me. You make me trip over my own feet and overthink things and you also make me produce weird animal noises whenever I come in contact with you. This break, I freaked out when you came up to talk to me and I just told you, in sign language:  No, you're too beautiful for me to handle and I don't know why you'd want to talk to a freaky idiot like me, I'm not even that smart! I'm sorry I sniffed your sandwich back in September but I started to eat salmon too and did you know it's actually really nice? Oh my god, I'm rambling in sign language, you must think I'm so creepy and crappy. Jesus, voice box, will you just work and let me say 'hi,' or am I just too shy to do that? Definitely too shy to do that, oh, no, he's still looking at me, abort, abort! Then I mooed at you again.

You walked off after that, looking pretty stunned because I gestured very quickly. I've definitely got no shot.

October, 29th.

Tomorrow's party day. I was sitting with Virgil at lunch again and he said he was going and that he was bringing you. I told him that it'd all look shit because I set it up and pretty much everything I do is shit. He watched me nervously. I don't know why.

But you're coming to the party, so I guess there's that! Even though I won't be able to talk with you, I get too jumpy. As I'm sure you know because you've practically memorised what a cow sounds like by now.

I hid the photos of you and the post-it-notes in my desk drawer. I don't think you'll even bother to go to my room anyway. You probably don't even know who I am.

Janus. Your name is so beautiful that it still amazes me. Remus is an ugly name. I'm glad you don't know that I'm called Remus.

October, 30th.

I'm writing this before the party starts. Mom and Dad are going to be staying in, only because they're gonna act like guards/police and stop anyone from doing something they really regret.

Dad told me the decorations look awful. I'm sorry you're gonna have to see them.

October, 31st.

I'm still in shock for what you did for me. I hid in my room for most of the party because I didn't want to ruin the evening for you and Dad came into shout at me.

Apparently, I gave a poor boy in my year a panic attack because he was afraid of spiders and I had put spiders on the bannister of the stairwell. He called me a thoughtless idiot and he said I should've been more considerate and he just had to call the boys' parents and ruin his night because I couldn't use my brain. At least the boy wasn't Virgil. That'd have been even worse.

My father was shouting at me and I was just holding onto this book because I had nothing else in my room that I could clutch. If I grabbed a pillow, he'd call me pathetic and Virgil had told me that I shouldn't squeeze my arms or fists when I'm in that type of mood. The book was already in my hands.

But then you come in and you shout at my father. I didn't think you'd care. I thought you'd agree with him, just like my mother does. You got my father to go away and you shut the door. I  was never more thankful that I took down the photos. You'd probably yell at me if you saw them.

You sat next to me on my bed and you wrapped your arms around me and you mooed. It made me giggle even though I was crying. I think I cried myself to sleep. Neither of us said a word. You probably think I'm mute or something.

I woke up and you weren't there anymore. This book was sitting on my dressing table and I don't remember putting it there, so it must've been you. I really hope you didn't look through it, you probably already think I'm an idiot.

November, 2cnd.

I was the one who tidied up all the mess left over from the party. I had to do it alone because I gave a boy a panic attack and ruined his evening so I technically deserve it. I stopped Roman from helping me, it's a punishment and he shouldn't need to make the punishment nicer by giving me very welcome company. Cleaning made me late for school. I got shouted at. I pretended I didn't care and I sat at the back of the classroom, trying to catch up on sleep. I stay up late a lot. Mostly, it's because I correct the errors in Roman's' science homework. He doesn't know that I do.

I just don't want Mom and Dad to shout at him if he messes up, it's better they shout at me. I'm not as important as him anyway.

You were looking at me today. You talked to my brother, though, not me. You were probably asking him why I was so mentally damaged. Roman looked a little upset because no one wants to admit that their brother is spastic. Especially when the said brother is as spastic as me. Honestly, my parents are saints for keeping me around. I put your pictures back up, though. It was comforting, being able to see someone so beautiful again.

November, 6th.

You are sitting with me at lunch. We haven't said anything but I think I squeaked when I saw you sit down opposite me. You mooed at me though, so I probably squeaked. You are so cute. You're sitting across the table from me while I write this down. I need to go to the bathroom to breathe properly. Do I take this book with me or is that weird? Probably weird.

I'll just leave it here.

...My book was moved slightly when I got back. I put it upside down but I picked it up with the front cover facing me. I'm probably panicking visibly because I keep looking around nervously with a frown. You look shy and a little uncomfortable. Probably my fault.

November, 10th.

You talked to me again today. You weren't put off by my signing when I freaked out. You asked if I wanted to go for coffee with you tomorrow. I nodded at you and meowed. You laughed and hissed like a snake. It made me giggle.

November, 11th.

I'm waiting for you at the table you reserved. I  brought my book because I don't know if I'll be able to speak around you. You take my breath away. Oh, god, I can see you walking down the street and you look amazing. I just took a photo, I don't want to forget how beautiful you are. You're coming in so I should put this away. Aw, you just mooed at me.

I hissed at him, copying his snake impression he did yesterday.

He's asking if I can speak. I just said, "Probably, I don't know anymore." He laughed. He looks so good.

Oh, no, he's noticed I've been writing. He wants to see what I've been writing. I've told him that he'll think I'm weird. He just shrugs and says, "Everyone's weird. You're a good photographer, though." I don't get what he means by that, I don't think he's seen me take a

Remus blinks at me slowly and then it hits him. His face goes bright red and he barks quietly, hiding his face in his hands. I laugh again, probably sounding like a real jerk.

"Sorry," I apologise. "I notice you take a lot of photos and I found a few of me in your room."

He pales at that and he looks up at me, eyes wide. I smile gently. "And, for the record, I think that Remus is a lovely name."