This makes no sense, I'm supposed to be the dark and gloomy one, the trait that everyone hates and is afraid of....

So what am I doing here lying comfortably on Roman's chest, I can hear his heartbeat and his slow steady breathing, it calms me and let's me know that he's okay even with me here with him, he's not panicking and he didn't kick me out when I asked to sleep with him because we both had watched a scary movie before bed.

He accepts me, gloominess and all, and I can't stop this swelling in my chest that threatens to overflow a smile forms on my lips and I shift to my side to get myself comfortable making sure not to disturb Roman of his much needed rest I huff and snuggle closer to him, and in response almost instinctively he wraps an arm around my torso and pulls me closer.

I blush and lightly trace my finger over his chest outlining a few random lines until I start to mindlessly trace random words like 'love' and 'hero' there's even an occasional 'darling' but I stop myself before I think of some inappropriate words, I let my hand rest against his chest and just lie there soaking in his warmth and quietly listen to his soft breathing hating how much I love him.

When I'm with Roman I feel like Icarus, the boy with fragile wings made of nothing but the thin feathers of birds glued together with wax,  and Roman is the sun, shining bright and strong and giving a tremendous amount of warmth and security, a sense of protection, and the more closer I get to him the more my wings deteriorate, even so I still fly closer to him wanting to make the feeling of being loved last longer.

I'm afraid of losing this feeling, the warmness in my heart, the skip in my step, the smile still lingering on my lips, the new shine behind my eyes. I don't want to lose any of it, I'm terrified that one day I'll get too close and I'll fall, I know I should be keeping my distance from him knowing that in the end I'll possibly end up even more messed up than I already am, but I don't budge.

Roman shifts around and yawns, I quickly sit up my heart pounds hard against my chest and I scoot away from him, his eyes open and shift around the room until they land on me, I freeze and shrink under his gaze feeling like I was caught doing something bad. He slowly sits upright and leans against the dashboard of the bed. “Good morning sunshine.” He gives me a grin and opens his arms out inviting me for a hug, I crawl over to him and immediately jump into the warm embrace.

He holds me in his arms and rubs his hands up and down my arms, I want to kiss him so badly that I don't care about pushing the limits anymore, I don't care about being too close to him. And when he leans forward I don't dare to hesitate. Slowly. Softly, I kiss him, resting one hand on his shoulder while I card my fingers through his hair, he wraps his arms around my waist as he draws me closer. I love that I can feel his body heat through his shirt and how his skin smells of blankets and sleep it stirs something in my chest, grinding and whirring, I'm suddenly not in control of my actions.

It's not until we pull away that I recollect myself, we are both breathing heavily and it takes a while to catch our breath. Roman chuckles and gives me a chaste kiss on my temple his lips lingering there for a long moment, I don't push him away as the minutes drag on, he pulls away and brushes the hair away from my face and eyes. “Did you sleep well?" He asks and carefully holds my face in his hands running his thumbs under my eyes where the dark shadows rest.

I look up at him and smirk. “Of course I did, you were with me after all.” I claim and clasp onto his wrist. “That's the last time we watch a scary movie before bed.” I warn. “Agreed, let's just stick to Disney next time.” Roman pleads with a small pout, I smile and give him a weak nod, it was my idea to watch the scary movie because I thought it'd be cool to watch something different, but in the end I only ended up scaring myself, Roman, and Thomas. I gave him nightmares and he didn't get to sleep well.

I'm always bringing unwanted feeling, always ruining plans, always somehow hurting someone. How long will it be until I hurt Roman? I shudder at the thought and hold myself, I suddenly have the urge to curl up and hide myself, I'm too vulnerable and I can't hold myself together for any longer, but strong arms encase me once more holding me together so that I don't have to and I'm pressed against Roman's chest, my cheek and ear over his heart, a hand runs through my hair and massages my scalp and I go slack.

He always knows how to calm me in my difficult times. “What's bothering you?” He whispers in my ear, I swallow hard and grasp onto his shirt. “...me.” I choke out and hide my leaking face, Roman presses his lips to my hair, his breath tickles and I enjoy the feeling of his body against my own. I don't deserve this, I know, but when he's holding me like this it makes me believe that he cares for me, that he really, truly, loves me.

“You know you're not a bad guy, I hate that you hate yourself so much Virgil, it pains me knowing that your only enemy is yourself. You should love yourself as much as I love you.” Pain constricts his voice. “But Roman, how can I do that? I'm such a nuisance to everyone and to Thomas especially, he'd be better off...” I trail off, I don't want to start an argument, it's not exactly an argument, it would be only Roman yelling at me and telling me how important, loved, cared, and special I was.

Roman always has this image of me, his sweet and adorable boyfriend, and he is in love with this image. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that he was in love with not so simple, complicated, and messed up Virgil. And at times I didn't know how to tell him that I wasn't all those beautiful things he thought I was. That things changed, and I felt it but I couldn't put it into words.

Sometimes I felt like a fraud, standing beside him and loving him.

Roman tightens his grip on me. “Virgil
Thomas was reckless without you, you keep him safe and healthy, and even though you may make him a bit well, anxious, it's not you're fault. Everyone needs a voice inside their head to help them choose between right and wrong.” He explains in a quiet voice "even if it annoys them?" I mutter, Roman chuckles and his chest moves with his laughter. “Especially if it annoys them.” He proclaims with amusement.

I feel the doubt I held in within myself begin to fade and I'm able to breathe properly, I find myself flying again, soaring, the giddiness in my chest rises and I can't hold back the smile that pulls at my lips. “You're very good at making me smile, and I'm supposed to be the angsty one.” I joke. “I'm a prince, if I'm not able to make someone happy then what am I?” He responds.

I look up and. “'You're more than a prince,” I say and kiss his cheek, when I pull back to meet with his eyes I melt and have the urge to kiss him again, I scold myself for thinking of such things and hold his warm hands. “you're....my hero.” I tell him with all of my heart, something fills his eyes and I feel like I've said something wrong, but when he smiles widely I am proven wrong and eased of my worries. “And you're mine.” He states.

We both hold each other, I don't dare think about the bad things, and Roman wallows in the comforting silence resting his head against my own, and for this moment only I forget about all the bad things knowing that everything I did in the past doesn't define who I am, what I decide to do now is what makes me who I am now.

And right now, I've decided.

I'm going to keep on loving Roman. And....

I'm going to love myself just as much as Roman loves me. And knowing him, I might be spoiling myself a bit by doing so.

Note: gonna be honest, it wasn't my best (pls help) but it's still something! Also what the heckity heck!? 1.1k reads!? Thank you all so much!!!

Ps: I made this with an app and it is now my screen saver, I love the purple color and space aesthetic 👌