Summary: Remus enjoyed going through Logan's things. Sometimes, he found interesting trinkets. He almost wished he had never found this.

AU: Canon Adjacent

CW: Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts please read with caution

WC: 1389

Date: 12/31/2021

"Hey teach? What's this?" Remus asked, holding a crisp envelope in his hand. He had been digging through Logan's closet again, his curiosity was completely insatiable. Logan never seemed to mind though, as long as he put things back where they belonged. It was a boring task but he always found interesting treasures in Logan's storage. He had found a book called "The Writer's Guide to Poisons", that had been an amazing read. He had also found an entire collection of bones, properly categorized by species and age. Each new adventure into Logan's room was an exciting time, but this letter didn't spark joy.

The whole lot felt wrong. There had been a box of them, completely the same with one exception. There was no address, no label denoting its contents in detail, nothing that would initially make him think of Logan. Even for his own notes, Logan tended to be very verbose, leaving not only a table of contents but a glossary of terms at the end. It made it easier for Remus but it really wasn't necessary.

These letters, however, had nothing except a notation at the bottom corner, SN-20200420. The others were also numbered, but it wasn't sequential. The number had a specific meaning and Remus had a feeling it wasn't about 420 no matter how funny he thought that number was. He wanted to know what it was, even if that meant grilling Logan until he found out. Not literal grilling though, he enjoyed Logan's company most of the time.

The nerd finally abandoned his work and looked up at Remus, his face easy to read as it cycled through emotions. Surprise, consideration, then finally the mask of indifference that Logan liked to hide behind. He wasn't as good at hiding as Jannie was though. "During some of my more vulnerable moments, I like to write letters. I tend to keep them as a reminder to myself."

"A reminder of what? Do you have them all memorized? All of these are sealed?" Remus' head was buzzing, thinking about all of the things that could be in this letter. "Who are the letters to?"

He had Logan's undivided attention, which was always nice, but he also knew it could get him booted out if Logan was busy. He had to walk a very fine line but his mind was racing to quickly to be controlled.

"To everyone, mostly."

Which also meant to him right? "Can I read them?"

Logan quickly stiffened, and he was quiet for a while. Remus watched him with his natural intensity, not abandoning his quest. "I don't think that's best. This could potentially make your intrusive thoughts worse, and I didn't really have the intention of opening those letters again. They are simply a form of catharsis."

"Like when I create a copy of Roman and throw him out the window!"

"Yes, very much like that."

"So why not burn them?"

That seemed to take Logan off guard, his eyes grew wider and he looked down at the letter in Remus' hand. "I... I keep them as a reminder."

Why though? If Logan never read them, and he knew what was in them, and he wasn't going to give them to the people they were for, why keep them? Why not burn them on the pyre and let all of it disappear in the wind. "But you remember everything right? So why keep it?"

"I just... I don't think that's best."

"I don't understand, I just don't get why you would want to let them sit here." He cocked his head to the side. Logan was hiding something, and Remus wanted to know what it was. He didn't like invading his friend's privacy but he got this weird feeling, it was like rats crawling their way up his back, and not in a good way.

Maybe Logan just needed someone to support him. There had been plenty of times that the world was too much for Remus, and having a friend always helped.

"We can read them together!" He shot up, grabbing Logan's hand and dragging him towards the bed.

"Remus, I must insist this is a bad idea."

"You are always there for me, Specs, let me be there for you." Remus plopped himself in the bed, almost pulling the nerd into his lap, but Logan resisted.

"I...." His walls were falling, but his shoulders stiffened as he saw the number on the letter. "just not that one." Why not that one? What was so bad about this one? It looked the newest.

Logan held out his hand and Remus slowly handed over the envelope. He wanted to know what was in that one, but maybe if he could get Logan to open up about the others, he would have reason to go back to that one.

"You can't keep things buried, like zombies, things tend to come out in the light, but I guess baby steps are fine."

Logan took the letter and walked to the box where the others were, gripping the white paper until it creased, breathing in a slow measured way, he was starting to panic but he was regulating. More than ever, Remus realized this was needed.

"Are you certain you want to hear the contents of this letter?"

"Yes!" He said without hesitation, making grabby hands at Logan. There were multiple reasons that he wanted to hold Logan, not just because he could tell his friend would need it, but also because... reasons. Besides, Logan needed the comfort, and, although he knew Dr. Jekyll would never admit it, he loved to cuddle.

Logan sighed as he sat back down on the bed.

"Last chance to back out Remus, this could make things harder on you."

"Hey, Lo, I'm here for you, and I think this will be good for you."

He watched as Logan swallowed, before opening up the letter in a single swift movement. He took out three sheets of paper and set the envelope on his lap.

"Dear Patton,

I want to be frustrated that you didn't listen to me today, but I can't. I don't have the energy anymore, it is difficult to keep fighting. I am certain there is something very wrong with my brain and I'm not certain I can continue this farce that I am okay. I know that I am needed. I know that I need to continue fighting. Thomas needs me. You all need me, but I am tired. I want to do something that I can't take back. I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I hope you don't have to see this.

Logan."

Remus' arms tightened around Logan, pulling him even closer.

"I told you this wasn't suitable reading material."

"Lo, there are a lot a letters in that box."

"Yes, that is true."

Remus refused to pull away from him, "The numbers on the letter... are those dates?"

Logan was quiet but eventually nodded.

"So... the letter you wouldn't let me read was after...."

"Yes."

"Lo, I thought we talked about that day? We had a long discussion about how it affected us both. I apologized you "

"We did,"

"But you didn't bring up this!"

"I didn't think it was necessary, I had already worked through my emotions."

"Did you? Did you really? Because there are so many letters in that box. You-" Remus wanted to pull at his hair, to fight the thoughts in his head, but that would mean letting go of Logan.

"What if... What if I had lost you?"

"It is not that serious, Remus. I always find a reason to stay."

"But what if next time you don't?!"

"History shows that that is unlikely. I always have."

Remus was crying into Logan's shoulder. "Please, next time, instead of writing a letter come talk to me, or Janus, or anyone, please. Don't stay alone."

He couldn't let go of Logan. "I don't want to lose you. I know... I know I push too hard sometimes but you are one of my two favorite people. Please don't leave me?"

The silence, every time it permeated the room, left Remus with the pounding thoughts in his head and he hated it.

"I don't want to leave, I just get tired sometimes."

"Then, I'll be here to help you rest."