Prompt:

Fandom: Thomas Sanders – Sanders Sides

AU: None

TW: Self-Deprecating thoughts

WC: 1088

Date: October 28th, 2019

"No one actually likes your ideas," Remus said to the mirror in front of him. Most days these thoughts didn't bug him, he just didn't care. Today was different. Today they echoed in his head like a beating drum, intruding into all of his senses. Today they echoed and he could see the cracks in his face and mind.

"You are the ugliest one here."

"No one wants to hear you talk." He gripped the mirror and looked at himself in the mirror, hair a mess, eyes red, face broken in a manifestation of his feelings. He had never been taught how to fight these thoughts. He had never been shown that positive affirmation could help win the war inside of his head. Help like that wasn't offered to the 'dark' sides.

"Ugly, useless, pathetic." He growled, not sure if he was in pain because of the words in his head, or angry at having to deal with thoughts like these. "Ugly, useless, pathetic." He pounded against the glass, repeating the same words over and over until the glass shattered.

"UGLY! USELESS! PATHETIC!" He shouted, knowing no one would hear him, and even if they did, he didn't care.

~*~

Patton was aware that, though he was the heart and the core of Thomas' emotions, the other sides also had their own troubles and trials they dealt with. Logan would never admit it but he had a bit of a temper, Roman was self-conscious, and Virgil had to deal with a lot of things. His own anxiety, obviously, but also his desire to be understood without sharing information. Fighting with their emotions could send them all into a turmoil and spiral that affected Thomas.

That was why, when Patton heard the first dark thought, echoing through his head, "No one actually likes your ideas," Patton was quick to act. He always heard the thoughts before they affected Thomas. He had to protect all of his kiddos.

"You are the ugliest one here." Those words sounded like self-doubt, he would check Roman first. Patton hoped that the prince was not going through a bad day. "I think your ideas are wonderful. I think you are handsome," he spoke the words out loud, trying to force them into the conscious to negate the negativity.

Knocking on the door, he racked his brain for compliments and jokes. He needed everything prepared to make Roman feel better about himself. It seemed it wasn't needed, Roman opened the door with his normal flourish.

"What can I assist you with on this fine day Padre?"

"I just wanted to check and see how my favorite prince was doing!" Pat said, looking him over. He seemed perfectly fine.

"I am doing marvelous, but I am in the middle of preparing for our next video. Can we postpone our time together until after dinner?"

"Of course! I can't wait, maybe we can watch some Disney movies together."

Roman smiled, missing the flinch from Patton as the next set of words echoed in Patton's head. 'No one wants to hear you talk.' Waving goodbye to Roman, Patton went looking for Logan. After their conversation about moving on and being more honest with emotions, Patton had told Logan about hearing the buildup of negative thoughts. Logan was the one who had helped him research how to handle these thoughts. He also apologized if he was ever the cause of those thoughts.

"Logan?" He knocked, "I can hear the thoughts again."

'Ugly, useless, pathetic.' That sounded like Virgil. He would still check on Logan but it was worrying Patton that the thoughts were only growing. "You are handsome, you are valued, you are perfect just the way you are." He whispered to himself, rocking on his heels.

Patton could hear shuffling in the room before the door opened. "I am focused on scheduling, so it is not my thoughts. Have you already checked on Roman? Virgil is here with me, helping to make sure we are planning things safely."

"Hey Pop."

"Hey, Virge. Yep, I've already checked on Roman." Logan narrowed his eyes in thought, nodding lightly.

"Please let me know once you have figured out the source and if I can be of any assistance."

Patton nodded. "Ugly, useless, pathetic." The thoughts were in the mindscape now, echoing softly through the walls. If it wasn't Roman, it wasn't Logan and it wasn't Virgil, then who was it?

"You are handsome, you are valued, you are perfect just the way you are." Patton countered, heading back to his bedroom when he went to grab the doorknob it clicked in his mind. Did the others really have this much power over Thomas that their dark thoughts could affect him like this? Patton frowned, slowly making his way towards the area of the mind palace he never wanted to go.

"UGLY! USELESS! PATHETIC!" Patton whimpered at the sound of the voice, now echoing deep in Thomas' mind.

"You are handsome, you are valued, you are perfect just the way you are." He made his way to Remus' door and sure enough, he could feel the darkness radiating off of it. Patton did not like Remus, he never had, but Remus was a part of Thomas.

"You are handsome, you are valued, you are perfect just the way you are." He repeated it like a mantra, sitting just outside the door, saying it loud enough that the person on the other side could hear. This was for Thomas.

"You are handsome, you are valued, you are perfect just the way you are." The darkness began to fade a little bit. Patton didn't hear the voices echoing. He may not have believed that Remus was any of those things, maybe this dark side of the mind palace was encouraging him to lie, but Patton continued.

"You are handsome, you are valued, you are perfect just the way you are."

~*~

Remus heard the words repeated over and over from behind his door.

"Ugly."

"You are handsome."

"Useless."

"You are valued.

"Pathetic"

"You are perfect just the way you are."

He didn't believe the sweet words, didn't believe that the person saying them actually cared, but it was what he needed.

"Handsome."

"Valued."

"Perfect."

He would try to focus on that. Crawling under his bed, he closed his eyes to sleep.

"Handsome. Valued. Perfect." Deceit was such a wonderfully sweet liar. Remus smirked. These words would be his comfort as he drifted off to sleep, and hopefully, he would feel better when he woke up.

AN: Remus would like you to know, that suggesting someone sleep off a problem, is the human equivalent of asking someone if they have turned themselves off and back on again. I would like you to know that I am currently participating in Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month) so I'm sorry if the quality and word count are a bit lower than normal.

Also! I was tagged, it's a first for me. I'm not big into Tagging but I was tagged by Host1akaAj and I wanted to make sure I answered it for them at least. 

5 Things I like about myself

1. There are worlds inside my head, some half-formed and nebulous, some concrete and easy to explore. I love these worlds. It's why I write.

2. I am a Dungeon Master for D&D. When I was younger I never thought I would have the confidence to be able to DM. The fact that I have taken on that responsibility is amazing to me.

3. I'm willing to put other's wants before my needs. This isn't always a good thing but I think it speaks to my compassion. I want others to be happy, so I'm willing to tire myself out if it means they can be.

4. I normally try not to post a lot of personal details online, but I am a natural blond. It's this really beautiful color that isn't a bright blond but more of a sandy blond with natural highlights and my hair is so soft after I've washed it. There are few things I like about my body but I love my hair.

5. Finally, by some grace, I have managed to write something that people really enjoy. I am so thankful to all of you who enjoy my writing and leave such wonderful comments. There are other places in my life where I don't have a lot of support and so to have it from all of you is amazing.