First Published: July 26th 2017

Pairing: moxiety

Genre: deceptive fluff, crushing angst

Word Count: 881

Warnings: implied/referenced character death, implied/referenced suicide, sad ending

Summary: Patton reflects on all the times he gave Virgil a piggyback. He's fine, until he's not.

*This one is one of my favourites because it's actually a rewrite of one of my first ever fics. And it's sad. As hell.

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"Hey, Virgil?" Patton asked, then continued without waiting for a reply. "Do you remember when I asked you out? You were so shocked and it took me ages to convince you I actually meant it! After you finally said yes, I hoisted you up onto my back and I carried you around the house. Roman was so confused and Logan just walked out of the room! It was one of the first times I had seen you smile like that – you looked absolutely delighted! My love for you tripled after that."

He took a breath, and let himself smile, wiping the tears that had begun to trickle down his cheeks. "Do you remember when we reached our first year anniversary and I spent the day spoiling you? At the end, you asked for a piggyback ride, and how could I ever say no to you? Seeing your childish side was quite cute. You don't often let down your defences like that, but I love those moments.

"Do you remember when Thomas moved into a bigger house? You realised that I was disorientated because of the change and you helped me get used to it by jumping on my back and ordering me to piggyback you through the rooms. That was fun, wasn't it? You were so excited!

"Do you remember when I asked you to show me your music? Your eyes practically lit up! I was cooking breakfast at the time and you came up behind me and hugged me. Then you ordered me to give you a piggyback to your room. You trusted me with your prised headphones as you showed me all those obscure, emo bands you like. They were actually really good! You opened up to me and... I love you for that.

"Do you remember when you disappeared for the second time? I was so scared that you wouldn't come back this time, as you went missing for days on end... When you showed up, with heavy bags under your eyes and all hunkered into your hoodie, I just wanted to hold you tight and never let you go. Instead, I simply gave you a piggyback. It was the first in a while. Maybe if I had asked more, you wouldn't have convinced yourself that you needed to leave... You know I love you, right? I should've said it way more, I know, but I was always scared that I would make a fool of myself, as I'm no good with words. That day, I ran around with you on my back for ages, until you eventually gave in and laughed.

"Do you remember when, right after that, you broke down crying and told me everything? I wiped away your tears and clutched you tight as if I could keep you from falling apart. You kept trying to console me, which was kind of funny, now that I look back on it. When you got me to smile, you demanded I give you a piggyback until all our problems faded away. You didn't say the last part, but I knew what you were asking and was all too happy to oblige."

Patton paused to take in a huge lungful of air. The breath caught in his burning throat and the sobs he had tried to suppress for so long forced their way out into the open. "I-I guess you would remember that. It was only... only last month. They say... They say that..." He cut himself off, pressing a hand to his mouth. He couldn't alert anyone else to his cries. Not tonight. He forced himself to continue. "They say that so much can change overnight. I guess they're right!" Morality chuckled through his tears, still trying to pretend that he was okay, despite the fact that his entire world was crashing around him.

"Verge, I'm... I'm so sorry. For everything. I love you. I love the memories that we made together and I just... I just want you to know that even though these memories will fade, I will never stop loving you. And maybe that's what hurts me most. That they will fade, just like you did. But you didn't deserve to. You didn't, damn it!" He took a moment to attempt to wrestle his breathing back to a normal rate. Being the emotional side had its downfalls, and one of them was feeling too much all the time.

With something like this, the emotion tripled painfully. "Why'd you have to leave?" He whispered, sliding down against Anxiety's closed door. It hadn't opened since Virgil had slipped from his room, placed a note in Patton's room and disappeared into the night. No matter what they all had tried, he didn't come back. "I'll never see that smile again. I'll never see those moments where you let down your defences again. I'll never see you get excited again. I'll never see the way your eyes twinkle when you're talking about something you love, nor will I ever get to see you again, my light."

Patton pulled his knees up to his chin and wrapped his arms around himself, the darkness around him isolating him from any positive emotion that survived the loss of his beloved.

"I'll never be able to give you another piggyback, will I?"