First Published: July 9th 2017

Pairing: none

Genre: coming out

Word Count: 725

Warnings: none

Summary: Anxiety isn't a guy.

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anxiety always wonders, in the back of their mind, if they could be something other than a boy. sure, they dont mind being referred to as "he/him", but they just... want to try something out. they had been reading up on it for months now, gathering information and trying to connect themselves with the definitions thrown at them.

it feels hopeless when they cant work it out right away.

anxiety learns "genderfluid" and thinks maybe. however, it doesnt feel right.

they gather up the courage to ask a favour from the one person they trust not to spill their secret. as theyre asking, anxiety cant help but to feel as if though theyre faking. still, they push through it.

the logical side nods, unaffected by anxiety's request. they bite their lip to contain their joy.

logan only refers to them with gender neutral pronouns now, after getting the all-clear to use it in front of the others. anx feels happy - but the "what if" continues to nag at their mind.

after a couple of weeks, he/him sounds like nails on a chalkboard and they flinch every time they're referred to as such. they dont correct anyone, and instead spends more time around logan. he never pushes about anxiety's gender, but sometimes they wish he did so they can finally talk about it with someone.

they blurt the new pronouns out in the middle of an argument, unable to contain it. they feel sick as they do it, because /what if/ the others see them as a faker? however, patton claps them on the back and calls them "kiddo". roman asks if they're alright with his gendered disney references, and they shrug, hiding a smile because they're so damn pleased.

anxiety decides that they/them is much easier on the ears.

the search for a word that describes themself continues, but with help. anxiety still feels the what ifs gnawing on their bones because when someone out of the loop sees them as a boy, they dont mind as much as they feel they should.

they toss the term "demiboy" inside their head and tuck it away. to anxiety, thats too complicated and no one would believe them anyway. if they could find something more understandable to other people, then that would ease their nerves. or so they told themself.

logan brings up the idea of nonbinary. anx searches it up and sees that its more of an umbrella term for genders that arent strictly female/male. (they also find out from google that yes, demiboy does count as nonbinary.) they decide to go by that for now.

having a word, even if its a broad one, calms them. for a while.

anx starts to worry again, because surely there must be a better word. or what if they're faking? occasionally they slip up and misgender themself, so to anx, its a possibility. patton reassures them that whatever they end up as, theyll still be his kiddo, and somehow, thats the most comforting thing theyve ever been told.

(demiboy, they think as they stare at the screen. partially boy and something else.)

the definitions arent "clicking" like theyve heard it should. because what if what if what if.

they toss the idea of using both he/him and they/them, but then the anxiety (hah) comes back twice as hard. now everyone will truly believe they're faking. they push the thought aside, even though it makes them a little sick in doing so.

roman sends them a text late at night with a link. anx opens it, reads the information on the page, and then feels excitement bubble up inside.

"demiboy - this can mean two things: halfway between androgynous and boy on the spectrum, or gender fluid with the primary gender being boy and occasionally feeling feminine, androgynous or any other gender"

the last bit resonates with them. they want to shout it from the rooftops.

nonbinary demiboy. it makes sense to them.

(the three other sides are put into a groupchat at 3am by anxiety who uses capslock for the first time ever. "I FOUND A DEFINITION THAT MAKES SENSE!!!" followed by the link then "im pretty sure im demiboy and look! theres other people like me!! im not alone".)

the next day, they reintroduce themself as a demiboy who uses they/them pronouns, followed by their name.