Warnings: Fighting, panic attack, loss of trust, implied self-harm, implied eating disorders, major character death

Ship(s): Platonic Analogical and implied Romantic Logicality

Logan walked through the pouring rain, hands buried deep in his pockets. His face remained blank as water dripped down his nose and glasses, mingling and mixing with the tears there. His hair was soaked, as was his favorite suit, but he didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore.

"Why do you keep shutting me out?!" Virgil cried, grabbing his best friend by the shoulders. Logan pushed Virgil away, eyes blazing with anger.

"I've done no such thing! You're the one who has chosen to isolate yourself from me!" Logan replied with venom, glaring at Virgil and clenching his fists at his sides. Virgil laughed bitterly, shaking his head.

"Oh, so all the third-wheeling, the canceling of plans, telling me you don't want to talk to me anymore, that's my fault now?" Virgil hissed, his voice threatening to break. Logan groaned in exasperation.

"Why can't you just be happy for me, Virgil? I love Patton, and I while I cannot deny that I may have neglected our friendship, you were always welcome to join us-"

"Oh, and keep on being the third wheel? Yeah, no thanks!" Virgil growled. Logan's expression hardened.

It was his fault. It was all his fault. Logan shouldn't have yelled at him. he shouldn't have lost his temper. Logan's vision became blurrier and he stumbled inside the gates of the cemetery.

"You know what? Fine! If you don't want to even try to get to know Patton and keep being a selfish, stuck-up bitch, then leave me alone!" Logan snarled. The words he'd said didn't register, even when Virgil struggled to come up with a retort, choking back tears.

"Fine! I'll leave you alone! It's not like you wanted me there anyway!" Virgil said with a sob. Logan smiled coldly.

"Fine with me. And you're right, I don't want you. I don't need you."

Logan searched through the gravestones, legs shaking from having walked so far in the cold. He was shivering and was regretting not letting Patton give him a ride. But he needed to do this.

Weeks went by and Logan and Virgil never talked. Logan spent all of his time with his new boyfriend, Patton, and Patton's best friend Roman. He didn't notice Virgil getting thinner or the bags growing under his eyes. He didn't see the angry red scars on Virgil's arms and wrists that occasionally peeked out from under the sleeves of his sweatshirt. he didn't notice the bruises and busted lips Virgil carried after getting himself into fights. He didn't notice any of it.

Logan's breaths were coming out in sharp, harsh pants and he could feel the heat of his tears practically burning his face. He found the grave and collapsed to his knees. He stayed silent except for his heavy breathing, his tear-filled eyes looking at the name engraved on the

Virgil Sanders

April 5, 2002- May 23rd, 2018

"You were only 16," Logan whispered, surprised he could even speak at this point. "You had so much to live for. And I stole that from you."

It was late, almost nine o'clock at night, when Logan received the phone call. Virgil's little sister Amelia was on the other end, crying hysterically and babbling about how this was all his fault and how Logan was a monster.

"Amelia, I can't understand you, please slow down," Logan said into the phone, his heart clenching a bit at hearing the nine-year-old girl sounding so upset.

"HE'S DEAD! VIRGIL'S DEAD AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" Amelia shrieked into the phone, and then the line went dead. Logan dropped his phone in shock, scrambling up to the head of his head and hugging his knees to his chest. Virgil was dead. His best friend was dead. Logan wanted to scream. He wanted to scream an cry and kick and yell but he couldn't. He was frozen, petrified with fear and grief as his shoulders shook with sobs that wouldn't surface. His throat seemed to close and he couldn't breathe, he couldn't do anything. He slid down and laid flat on his bed, heart hammering in his ears as he trembled violently and gripped at the blankets beneath him fiercely, tears leaking from his eyes and rolling down his face.

Logan's mother found him like that, deep into a panic attack and struggling to breathe, his face and pillow soaked with tears.

Logan started to sob, grabbing at the grass and mud beneath him, eyes clenched shut.

"I'm sorry Virgil, I'm so sorry!" Logan said, weeping openly. Rain continued to hammer down on Logan but he didn't care. His body was numb but his heart was breaking, cracking, a pain, unlike anything he had ever felt in his entire life seizing his entire being and shutting him down.

"I loved you. I still love you. You were my best friend. A-And I...I let you slip away, now you're gone, and I can't get you back. I didn't w-want you to die, I promise. I love you. I love you so much!" Logan choked out, pouring out his heart to the lifeless stone in front of him. Virgil couldn't hear him, he knew he couldn't, but that didn't stop Logan. He bowed his head, sobbing so hard that his entire frame jerked.

"I was so awful to you. I was...I was blinded by someone I had just meant, and while I was happy, I shouldn't...I shouldn't have ignored you. You were always there for me, but now you're gone because of me."

The funeral was well attended. Logan looked around at all of his classmates who had come to the funeral, knowing that Virgil would have been touched to see that there were people who had cared for him. Virgil's parents avoided him until the very end of the ceremony when they came up to him and handed him a folded up piece of paper.

"This is his note. It mentioned you so we thought you might want to read it," Mrs. Snyder said, pressing the paper into Logan's hand. She kissed Logan on the cheek, smiling softly at him with tears in her eyes before walking away. Logan unfolded the note with trembling hands.

Hi,

If you find me, I hope that I didn't make anyone too sad. I'm not that important, really. You'll all move on eventually and forget about me. Some of you already have. Mom, dad, I'm sorry that I let you down. The meds weren't working and therapy made me feel like more of a freak than I already am. Amy, I'm sorry I couldn't be the big brother you wanted. I'm stupid, lazy, and clingy. Don't be like me, please. Logan, I doubt you care, but if you do, I hope that you're happy with Patton. Really, I do. I'm sorry about the argument that day. I should've just left it alone and let you be happy.

Please don't blame yourselves. You all tried your best to help, and I know you all cared, but it's all too much. Life is too much. I'm sick of getting picked on and belittled, and I know that people say that it gets better, but I know that it won't for me. Please remember that I'm in a better place now. I can't be hurt anymore where I am. I don't see my death as tragic, or as the end. It's just a new beginning. For me, at least. I'm sorry if this hurts any of you. I know it will because you're all such amazing people. You all care too much.

See you all in heaven.

-Virgil

Tears rolled down Logan's cheeks as he read the note. Virgil tried so hard not to make them feel guilty. He tried so hard to tell them it wasn't their fault. But Logan knew it was his fault. He had abandoned his best friend for a lover and left him to face the world alone. Logan hadn't even known Virgil was seeing a therapist, or taking medication, or any of that. Logan crumpled up the note and shoved it into the pocket of his suit jacket, tears falling down thick and fast.

"I do need you, okay? I need you so bad and I miss you so f-fucking much, but you're gone. I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Logan whimpered, bowing his head and wrapping his arms around himself tightly.

Losing someone you love is hard because no matter how much you regret, or how much you miss them, they're never going to come back.