Point of View: Logan, First Person
Timeline: Present Day

I dropped my head into my hands, tired eyes making the world spin around me.  I reached up and loosed my blue and black stripped tie, running a frustrated hand through my hair before glancing over at Roman and Virgil.

Roman and Virgil were curled together on the chairs next to me.  Roman was wearing a bright red long sleeve shirt and pair of black skinny jeans.  He was currently curled into a tight ball, arms wrapped around himself as he finally fell asleep from exhaustion.  

Virgil was in his usual black ripped jeans, dyed purple shirt, and purple patched hoodie.  He was in the chair between Roman and myself.  He had his eyes shut, but I could tell he wasn't asleep yet.  

Like me, there was no way either of us were going to be able to fall asleep with Patton -

I sighed, running a hand through my hair again - resting my elbows on my knees and tiredly as I reached forward, slipping one of my hands into Patton's unconscious one, whispering tiny prayers that I didn't even know if I believed.

And it came to me then - that every plan - is a tiny prayer to father time.  That's all I was asking for really.  Not for him to go back to normal, not even from him to go home, none of that.  But for me to have just a little more time with him, just to have a couple more minutes that I wouldn't waste in front of my desk - too focused on my work to give him the attention he deserved.  If I had just - just -

"Logan," Virgil said, jolting me out of my thoughts and I twisted to face him.

Virgil looked just as bad as me, dark circles under his eyes more prominent and obvious then ever.  His whole body seemed to be slouched and I'm sure I looked the same. 

Virgil's been here the longest, he was here first - racing here as soon as he got the call.

And me?

I didn't come for hours because I turned off my phone - annoyed about all the notifications coming on my phone while I was trying to work.

Little did I know that my husband was dying and everyone was trying to tell me.

"Logan, how about you go get something to eat?" Virgil pushed, gently.  "You haven't eaten since you got here and I'm sure you're running on empty."

"B-But I - I  CAN'T," I choked out, hating how broken my voice sounded.  I sounded like a child, I couldn't even think.  My elaborate vocabulary apparently vanished when my stupid co-worker - my stupid co-worker stopped in, casually mentioning how she was surprised to see me working while my husband was in the hospital to only find out that clearly had not been informed of the situation.

"Please Lo," Virgil tried, setting a hand on my shoulder and I visibly flinched at the name.

"Don't call me that," I snapped, tears beginning to burn behind my eyes.  "Patton is the only person who gets to call me Lo."

Virgil got quiet for a moment, eyes dropping to his bright purple socks - he'd taken off his combat boots a while ago and now they sat in the corner of Patton's hospital room.

"I'm sorry," Virgil apologized.  "But we love him too - don't forget that," he said, soft, but firm.  "Now go get something to eat - now."

"How do you expect me to -"

"Logan Sanders," Virgil said sharply.  "How do you think Patton would feel if he saw you right now?"

"Don't play that card," I spat.  "You have no RIGHT to use him against me!"

"Says the guy that showed up HOURS after his husband was admitting into ICU!"

I didn't respond immediately - surrounded by the overwhelming loud sounds of my own thoughts, as I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409.

Did they really not have a better room for the love of my life - who did I mention was DYING.  Dying, in this stupidly white room, with it's  stupid white floors, stupid white ceiling, stupid white bed, stupid white sheets, stupid white chair, stupid white cabinets, stupid white monitor - 

And I rationed my breaths, as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today, I thought as my eyes intentionally flickered to my briefcase.  It would just take a moment to reach inside the inner pocket and pull out the secondary case filled with my pills.

They were made to help me focus, but they also help quiet all the voices in my head and even though I've already taken as many as I usually dared.  And I couldn't help the way my fingers twitched wanting - no, needing the stupid drug.

I was supposed to be in Patton's place - passed on in a stupid smelly hospital room due to an overdose on those stupid pills.

And here Patton was, because of stupid carbon dioxide poisoning of all things.  All because he accidentally left the gas to the stove running.  If I was home, I could've noticed, I could've saved him, I could've turned it off but no I was out getting a refill on these stupid pills.   I wasn't even at work, but giving into my addiction once again.

I brought my eyes back up, eyes locked on the monitor as each descending peak on the LCD took him a little farther away from me.

Away from me...

"Fine," I said getting my feet and doing my best to avoiding grabbing my briefcase along the way.  "Call me if anything happens," I muttered, hating myself as I left the room in search for the nearest edible hospital food.

It took some time, but I found a 24/7 cruddy coffee place.  I wasn't even sure if I should eat anything but the way Patton's room smelled but I was too tired to care.  I couldn't let myself fall asleep, I couldn't.

I paid way too much for this stupidly expensive amount for this stupid coffee and I made my way back to Patton's room, hating myself for even leaving for a short while.

Along the way, I glanced at the waiting rooms - filled with sleep deprived worried people, munching half halfheartedly on a probably overpriced granola bars. They were sitting amongst the vending machines and year old magazines - broken expressions reminding me that we were currently in a place where we only say goodbye.

I came to a slow stop, trying to remember the last thing I had said to him.  Had I remembered to say 'I love you?' No, probably not.  What had we talked about? What were my last words to him? Had I paid him any attention at all?  Did I even speak to him this morning?  

Or did I just leave him alone, leaving him to wake up to an empty bed?

It sung like a violent wind - not only that there was a nearly impossible chance that I had said goodbye when I left this morning, but that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds.  And that I couldn't help trying to remember exactly what Patton's laugh sounded like.  

Was it because I just wasn't paying attention or because he was just not happy around me?  Have I made him laugh recently?

Gosh, I don't remember, I just can't.

I walked back into the stupid room, eyes immediately landing on Virgil - who had, inevitably, fallen asleep and was currently using Prince's shoulder as a pillow.  Realizing that I was, technically, alone with Patton, I walked over to him - eyes burning with unshed tears.

"I - I'm sorry, for everything," I whispered, reaching forward and grabbing his hand.  Why was his hand so cold?  I gently pressed little kisses all over his hand, trying to warm them up.  

I didn't usually take much time for little things like this, kisses and hugs and cuddles or date nights or anything like the sort.  I didn't think it was important.

Boy, was I wrong.

"I'm sorry for not giving you even a quarter of the love you show me back in return," I continued.  "I love you, even if I don't show it much," I trailed off, clearing my throat which had grown unusually tight.  "And if you decide to leave me tonight, I - I understand.  Or at least, I'll try to.  But don't think for a second that I didn't love you, because goodness I love you so much.  And I knew that you were truth I would rather loose than to have never lain beside at all," I whispered, voice cracking and tears falling making their way down my cheeks and onto the flimsy blanket below.

...

Was... was it just me, or was the steady beep of the Patton's heart beat getting slower?

I jumped up, staring in disbelief at the monitor.  

Oh no, it was - it was so so slow... no, no, please no -

I pressed the nurse button frantically, tears racing down my cheeks as I gasped for air - choked back screams coming from my throat.  "Please, Pat, please," I managed, the rest of my words slurring together in a desperate prayer.

Virgil and Roman were at my side in an instant - eyes bouncing between Patton, the monitor, the door - desperately waiting for the nurses to come in.  What was taking them so long?! Didn't they understand?!

And then the heart monitor went flat.

I screamed - just as the nurses finally come in.  I screamed, a screaming, sobbing mess and Roman and Virgil had to pull me out of the room, and tried to fight them - not wanting to leave Patton's side.  I could faintly hear the nurses yelling amongst themselves, fighting to save him, and I couldn't help sobbing, collapsing in Virgil's arms before the stress finally overwhelmed me and I finally passed out.

----------

I woke back up around 2 am, silently hating myself as I sat in the stupid white waiting room in this stupid white chair in this stupid white hospital with no idea if the love of my life was even alive or not.  And I looked around at all the other people, eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself - playing some show no one was paying any attention to.  The few sleepy faces - some that I saw from earlier, some new ones but they looked just as discouraged.

Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room - just nervous paces bracing for bad news -

And then the nurse comes round and everyone lifts their head, some with tears in their eyes but I don't even bother to look at the nurse.

"I'm looking for relatives of Patton Sanders?"

I finally looked up, meeting her eyes.  "Yeah, that's - that's me," I said, rising to my feet.  "Is..." I trailed off at the pity that filled her eyes.

"I'm sorry..." she started, but I'm not there at all, I can't hear anything that's she's saying, and I see Virgil place a hand on my shoulder, and I can see his mouth moving, but there's no sound.  I can tell they're talking to me, but I'm thinking of what Patton said to me back when we started dating...

"Patton?" I asked, carefully - thinking of how I wanted to word this.  I set my book on the coffee table in front of me, giving Patton my full attention.

"Hmm?" Patton giggled, coming around the corner from the kitchen over to me and cuddling next to my position on the couch even though there was more than enough room for the both of us.  However I didn't mind him being close, I found it oddly comforting.

"H-How would you define... love?" I asked, adjusting my glasses as I winced inwardly at his slightly stunned expression.

Patton didn't say anything for a moment, thoughtfully fiddling with the sleeves of his cardigan.  "What kind of love?" he asked finally, big brown eyes blinking curiously at mine from behind his black framed glasses.

I paused, taking a moment to consider Patton's question.

"The most powerful kind," I decided.

Patton didn't say anything for while, humming thoughtfully.  Then, slowly, he slipped his hand into mine - our finger fitting together perfectly, like they were made to be so perfect for each other.

"I... think that..." Patton started slowly.  "That love is watching someone die."

I thought about that for a moment, stupidly not thinking my next question through.  

Maybe if I had I'd never have to see that hurt expression on his face, or my memory of that day wouldn't have turned so sour.

"So who's gonna watch you die?"

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