• • •

Kensley Parker

Alex and Nia had a nice bathroom. I took the time to observe it when I was done throwing up in their sink.

Then, back to the kitchen to make another drink. It was a tequila type of night, but it also was a make it home safely type of night, so I poured mostly cranberry juice and grabbed the Casamigos from the counter.

Nia reached for the bottle when I was finished, "I was excited to finally meet you in person. With how much Alex talks about you, I thought it would've happened before now."

"I hibernate for most of the year."

"Glad we could bring you out." She laughed, "The only time I meet his co-workers is if I stop by the office. I told him to invite them– you're the only one who got an invitation." Nia paused and shook her head, "I think he's hiding me."

She actually wasn't far off. Alex went to great lengths, such as not wearing his ring, to avoid all talk of his personal life with the rest of the office. I didn't understand but also didn't ask about it.

"In his defense, they do have horrible taste. Only thing I'd accept from them is a candle.... And it'd probably stink."

"As long as they had gift receipts. Most of this stuff is going back Monday."

Laughing loudly, I tried to remember if I gave a gift receipt, "You'll have to get store credit for mine."

"We really do love the picture. Thank you again."

"No, it's too late– I'm already crying on the inside."

She was the one I was talking to for most of the night while Alex played host, only speaking to me in passing. Talking to her was as easy as it was her husband, as they had the same sense of humor, never taking anything I said seriously.

It helped that I pre-gamed prior to getting here, so the part of my brain that thought about what I wanted to say before I said it was slowly losing its function.

We got our cups and made our way into the living room where the rest of the guests were seated. Alex's brother, Mason, scooted over for Nia to sit while I stood by the arm, watching them try to figure out how to work a karaoke machine that had been gifted at the start of the night.

Once they got it to turn on, Alex stood up and looked in our direction, "The homeowners go first."

"The flexxx." Mason laughed, "Why would I move out mama's house when I live there rent-free? Y'all have fun paying them bills."

"We have a lotta fun in here."

"That's why I only talk to women with their own place– we have fun at they spot."

Everyone laughed as Nia scrolled through songs, stopping on the one that she wanted, "Okay!" She handed Alex a microphone, "You better show out, too."

I watched in amusement when the song began, the smile slowly falling with every line that they sang, envying the simplicity of a relationship where all Nia had to worry about was why Alex didn't invite his co-workers to their gatherings.

Leave it to me to fall in love with a crazy person.

"And if loving you is a crime, tell me why do I bring out the best in you?"

I would've preferred them to sing any song besides that one, hating that I found a way to apply it to my situation.

"Cross the line, speak about my mine– I'ma wave this Tec, I'ma geek about mine."

But, they could've probably sung about the Statue Of Liberty and I still would've thought of Elijah.

"They can take me. Now that I've found the places that you take me."

They were a nice, normal couple, swaying back and forth, crooning the lyrics without a care in the world. An actual lawyer who comes home from a real firm and can tell his wife about his day without having to wonder if she'll be questioned about anything that he shared with her.

"I know it's crazy but, I don't care I'll never give it up, give it up, give it up, give it all away."

That part... Hadn't I already done that?

• • •

I didn't wake up the first time Jai called my name or the second for that matter.

It wasn't until she started pounding on it that I sat up too fast, placing my hand on the bed to stop the spinning.

"Kensley?"

"Yes?!" I shouted turning to face my door.

Jai pushed it open, "I'm about to leave."

I wondered why she didn't just text me that so I'd see it when I got up, "Okay."

"...With Eli. We're going to Top Golf— Mariah and Zi are coming too."

Apparently, I hadn't realized that their friendship extended beyond us being together. Sure, it was inevitable that they'd talk when we stayed at his house, but she never mentioned communicating with him since the night she let him into the apartment.

"Great."

"You're welcome to come."

I didn't want to go, simply because I knew my energy would be off, and it'd affect everyone else. I'd rather lay here and finish the dream I was having.

To be honest, I didn't want Jai to go either, but she was free to do whatever she wanted. Had it been her and Coby, I would've declined the invitation, though.

"No thanks. Have fun."

Jai sighed, "Did he hit you? Cheat on you? Tell me something 'cause I'm not getting why you're on the Eli hate train when all I've seen him do is whatever you ask him to."

"I don't have to explain it to you. Go to Top Golf with Maria, because her name isn't Mariah, and Zi, have fun, I'll see you when you come back."

"I'm probably staying at my house tonight. You've been in a bad mood for days— it's getting old."

"That's fine too."

For the short time that I hadn't been talking to him, I tried to find something to do to keep me busy, and Jai never wanted to do anything.

Then she wakes me up to tell me she's going somewhere with Elijah and a girl whose name she doesn't even know.

The more I thought about it, the angrier I got, getting out of bed and looking for something to put on.

She was still standing there, so I dropped the shirt I was holding and turned around to ask, "We barely talk. How would you know what typa mood I'm in?"

"'Cause the 'woe is me' thing doesn't look good on you. It's people with real problems, people like me, and you're throwing a temper tantrum about something that couldn't possibly be that be bad."

"I was a daily guest to Jai's pity party– with no other intent but to help you feel better, but the one time I need you to be a friend in return, you tell me I needa get over it? Just go before I say some shit I can't take back."

"Eli is my friend too, Kensley." Jailyn explained, "He's helped and is helping me in ways you don't even know, and he's having a hard time too. This, on top of everything else going on in his life, once again, you're not the only one with problems."

When I told her to leave before I said something I couldn't take back, I meant it. It took everything in my soul to squeeze past her to go in the bathroom and not say what was on my mind.

Despite this argument, I knew we'd both get over it and start back talking. If I said the thoughts that were marching around my head....

I didn't know if we could move past that.

Of course, I wasn't the only one with problems, but it was insensitive to say that just because someone was going through 'something worse than me' that I had to pretend to be happy.

And it wasn't like I was telling anyone with an ear what was going on. That was the whole idea behind me being scarce– to avoid having to make anybody think I was feeling sorry for myself.

Which I was, but that wasn't the point.

Dragging a line of toothpaste on my toothbrush, I let out a long breath when I heard the front door close.

It wasn't long after, that I was locking the door behind me, descending the steps to go to where I'd been spending most of my time.

My parents were more than happy to have me over, and it helped that they didn't question my sudden obsession with their home, acting like it was nothing out of the ordinary.

I used my key to enter, going straight to the dining room and sifting through their bar cart, finding a different brand of tequila, and making my way to the kitchen for ice and something to mix it with.

"Hey." My mom was standing by the stove, "I didn't hear you come in."

"Y'all should get a security system."

She observed me reaching for two glasses, her eyes falling on the bottle, "Again?"

"It's Sunday. Sundays are for drinking."

"So are all the other days of the week, clearly. I'm sure your liver is begging for a break."

"I got my liver from dad's side of the family, so this is light work." I dropped ice in the cups, "Speaking of, where is he?"

My mom pointed towards the back door, "Have you eaten?"

Food wasn't on my mind until that moment, and I realized I hadn't eaten since Alex's party– a small plate of chicken dip. An appetite wasn't present, though, and she was already looking at me like she was concerned, so I lied, "Yep. I ate on the way over here."

Dad sat at the table sketching, looking up at me when I sat the cup in front of him and began pouring. He'd drink with me without issue or comment.

While he continued to draw, I began writing.

The same notebook I'd been gifted was only now serving its purpose, receiving every thought that I didn't speak aloud.

Pages and pages of nothing, pages of everything, just pages.

• • •

Elijah Baker

Zi set the box down, "You owe me. I paid good money for these."

I pulled the hat over my eyes to shield them from the sun, "Like always, I 'preciate you. You a real one."

"Ion know too many niggas that'll do nun like this for somebody."

He was right. I wouldn't do this for just anybody. Matter fact, I could count on three fingers the people I'd have no problem putting them in my car for.

Making sure the gate was secure, I took the top off of the box and watched happily as the chickens started running around.

The clucking was loud, making me smile wider, and I turned to grab the corn going to the patch of grass that I'd dug up, "You wanna help me plant these?"

"Eli.... Be a hunnid with me... You on some? Ian judging but I needa know so I can see how to approach the situation."

"It's corn. I joined this lil farm page and they said that fresh corn better for them."

"Old Mcdonald." Zi mumbled, but he grabbed the gloves and kneeled beside me, "I know a dude with some goats."

"I was thinkin' some smaller....Rabbits?"

We tried to decide what the next addition to the farm should be while dropping the seeds into the ground. It was a peaceful moment for me.

It didn't last long at all.

"So, you talked to Ken?"

"I haven't."

"Jai said she been over there drinking like a fish."

She always drank, I didn't see the issue, "She 'bout grown as fuck. If that's what she wanna do." I shrugged, "Let her do it."

"Nah, it's deeper than that."

What the purpose of this conversation was, I couldn't tell you. Kensley made her choice, I respected that, I left her alone.

Was I supposed to keep going over there? For what? Our last talk got us nowhere, any future talks would probably get us nowhere. 

It'd never work unless she was more compliant, just went with the flow and stopped asking me shit, but she wanted powerpoints explaining everything I asked her to do or not to do.

Tiring. Irritating. A fucking headache.

I stood up to go look at my chicken running through the yard, noticing how one of the smaller ones wasn't moving much, "Did you bring me some handicapped chicken?"

"Bruh said that one kinda off, but it was free, and if it's free, it's for me."

"So you takin' it back witchu'? 'Cause Ion want no chicken that can't even walk."

"Ain't you eating 'em anyway?"

Horror crossed my face, "Why would I do that? I'm raising 'em– don't say no shit like that."

"Just tell me what drug it is. I'll get you some help. It's a dude who be doing these rehab things in his basement. Two weeks and you back to normal."

"Maybe I gotta feed it." I reached my hand through the opening, "Come here lil chicken."

Zi laughed, "Ain't no way this my life."

• • •

Later that night, I was in my mama's backyard digging up the water fountain.

I might get me some overalls, I thought, and a horse.

I'm sure Zi knew someone who had horses, and it was Texas. Shouldn't be too hard.

I set the bag to the side and began putting the fountain back in, thinking of what else I needed to be a farmer.

By the time I was done, I had a list in my head. Gathering the bag, I walked around the side of the house to avoid running into my mama or Christian.

Marc's house wasn't far, and I sat parked down the street waiting for the right moment.

It was 1 am when I stepped out of my car. Lauren was waiting for me, glancing back at the door every so often.

I wasn't especially worried about him waking up. I'm his brother. I'd like to think I can show up at any time of the day.

"I disconnected the cameras, and crushed two Xanax's in his drink at dinner."

"How very nice of you."

The backyard was optimal, so that's where I went, over to the sad excuse of a garden that Lauren and Lani started, "You know." I reached for a shovel, "I'm in this gardening group. I can tell you how to make these plants come back to life."

"That's what you wanna talk about right now?"

"What else is there to talk about? I can be quiet if you want, but I figured this might be awkward for you."

I mean, we were burying shit in her backyard. It'd make me feel awkward.

"It's more of a... relief. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I just stayed gone."

"It doesn't help to imagine if shit was different."

Lauren sniffled and I hoped we wouldn't go through another crying session. Hope has never gotten me far in life, so she began down the road of what if's.

They continued for the span of the digging, carried on when I was throwing one of the legs into the dirt, kept going through covering up the leg.

It really didn't help to think about if life were different, as that was how I spent every night over the past three weeks, and it did nothing but make me more and more discontent with my current life.

A lot of wondering, little to no conclusions, what was the point?

I didn't expect her to be okay with what I did, which was why I never told her. There was hope, though, that if she did find out, she'd look past it.

Instead, I got told that I wasn't in love with her like I was too stupid to know the difference.

Now she over there drinking herself inna coma like she wasn't the one who wanted this.

I wanted to show her my chickens, ask her to help me grow the corn for them.

Instead, I gotta ask Zi to do it and listen to him try to guess what drugs I was on.

Lauren was calling my name, but I didn't care to answer, pulling the gloves off her hands and stuffing them in the bag.

My chest felt tight, and I knew why, but I refused.

I'd go home to my chickens and forget.

• • •

i saw a comment where a reader felt ken was overreacting to this situation. how do y'all feel ab that?

thanks for reading 💕