In Love and Diplomacy

by BritishGravity

This is a really unique story to find on Wattpad and the protagonist is a breath of fresh air. Avery is a wickedly intelligent woman who is leaving her job at the California attorney general's office to pursue a robust career in politics. She's determined, headstrong, and willing to sacrifice everything to attain her dream. I love the main theme of this story: the value of independence and why holding to it fiercely results in success despite immense challenges. This line got a laugh out of me: "I was an independent, ambitious woman and I did not need a goddamn man or child in my life to my me whole. I had Rolo. I had my job. I had myself. Because it was such a millennial thing to say. "I have my dog, and I have a job that pays enough for me to take care of that dog. That is all I need." I assume that many of your readers will deeply relate.

This story also has a really great sense of humor, from the opening dialogue to the banter between characters like the bit where Kenndy calls Rolo Cujo. "His name is whatever comes to mind." I like that these characters are vibrant, funny, and serious when they need to be. They are realistic.

In terms of the writing, it's mostly solid but the most glaring issue for me was the way exposition was handled. Oftentimes Avery will pause the story a lot to give a speech straight to the camera about her background or how she thinks about things, and since it's not oftentimes written using narrative summary or internal dialogue, it interrupts the flow of the story. Take this for example:

"Cruz has headed home for the day, so I'm heading home as well. It's a little bittersweet to leave." I gave a faint smile, emotions surging through me.

It wasn't lost on me that since it was my last day working here, there wouldn't be another time I walked through the glass doors as part of the team. The next time I saw my coworkers would be as I made my final goodbyes to the team I had worked closely with for four years.

These infodumps are written like story notes copied and pasted into the prose from an outline. There are times when you do use narrative summary and internal dialogue really well to deliver exposition and to show the reader Avery's mental state, like the beginning of chapter two for example:

Because that's what this was: a chance to start over. To move forward. I was moving one step closer to becoming a diplomat. I had cried, I had bled, I had stayed up all night studying foreign policy for this dream. I had sacrificed friends for internships, Saturday nights at the bar for tears over textbooks, and years of my prime for this.

^ That's perfect. It accomplishes so much: it shows the reader what she's working for, it gives some of her back story, it shows her drive, and it helps us get to know her better on an emotional level. It works well in terms of prose because it's written in a narrative summary style–rather than a list of events disjointed from the prose such as the info dumps from the first chapter. I feel the edits required here are minor: simply cutting out the info dumps and keeping Avery's emotional voice active through narrative summary, accomplishing exposition with moments like this one that demonstrate her motivation and what she did to get to where she is now. That's great exposition design and it's really powerful for the reader. But later in the second chapter, you slip back into info-dumping exposition:

Oliver had quickly become like a brother to me. Ken was my ride of die, but Oliver seemed to be along for the ride...

This paragraph could be eliminated by showing the reader the nature of their relationship through an actual scene and allowing the reader to pick up this information through subtext. The dialogue you wrote between Oliver and Avery throughout accomplishes on its own and therefore, this paragraph could be eliminated already without changing the story much at all. My point is, sometimes you nail exposition, and sometimes it's not quite there yet...but for an early draft, I'd say the way it is now is completely acceptable. Sometimes you need to write data dumps in order to design proper exposition later...this is a genuine method of drafting and I really shouldn't criticize it unless this draft is being presented as a final one ready for publication.

Sometimes the dialogue mechanics are off. There are a lot of action beats and there were times when I was like "okay, just let the characters talk to each other." I thought that there were a lot of unnecessary "stage directions," descriptions of every single thing that a character does like "I lift my hand" or "I turn toward him" etc. Also sometimes there were strange paragraph splits when the same character is still speaking...even if a character speaks long enough to comprise a full paragraph, it's okay to keep that paragraph together. Wattpad encourages writers to split paragraphs up into pieces that are too small which results in some really choppy writing and very odd formatting errors. It's okay to have your character talk for a while and to keep it as one paragraph...and if someone is bothered by the fact that it takes up their entire phone screen, well, tell them to screw off and read Dickens or something. They won't complain about long paragraphs again.

A good rule of thumb though, as outlined by David King in Self Editing in Fiction Writing, is to split up a character's dialogue with an action beat or a reply from another character or with an active beat or description having to do with the scene, etc...every three sentences or so of what the character is saying. You don't have to follow this rule strictly, but I like to keep this guideline in mind because I like the dialogue style it produces, and it helps me keep my dialogue and beats balanced.

I might have missed something but I know that she is moving from California because of something to do with her career, but I wasn't 100% sure why until the second chapter. I think the way you wrote about her goals and motivations in the second chapter was good, but it just comes a bit late. One of the most important things a first chapter must do is establish the main character's motivations on a physical, psychological, and moral level. Also, I don't think anyone addresses her as Avery in the first chapter so I wasn't sure what the main character's name was until I went 'wait' and checked the blurb.

In terms of pacing, the inciting event doesn't really happen until the party in chapter three. That's pretty late and I feel like the story takes a very long time setting itself up when it doesn't have to. To be honest, the first two chapters could be condensed significantly by cutting down on the beats and just focusing on the main ones: show the workplace, show her apartment, then chapter two could be the party. First chapter: set up. Second chapter: inciting event. Some argue that the inciting event must happen in the first chapter, but this isn't supposed to be a fast-paced story. Still, waiting for the third chapter to provide the inciting event is still too delayed, and I worry that this is the sort of thing that might make an agent put this manuscript back into the slush pile. If you want to learn more about different plot structures, inciting events, and why it's best to introduce them as early as possible, especially in the modern market, check out some of the books listed in the resources chapter. I particularly like what Tim Hickson has to say on this topic in his book On Writing and Worldbuilding Volume I.

Overall though, I loved this story! The third chapter grabbed me by the throat and didn't let go, it was a complete twist! Then the plot continues to surprise the reader in every chapter following...I love that you keep readers engaged by teasing them. The first chapter is written as if this is a romance novel that takes place in the workplace...I really thought that this story was going to follow a very Hallmark "determined, successful woman has her career plans derailed when she falls in love with the bad boy, then her life unravels but it's worth it for the sake of love!" trope. But the story completely surprises the reader by turning a 180 and revealing itself as an action-packed thriller with a mystery to solve and lots at stake! This story is a Wattpad hidden gem!

If you don't mind me mentioning, I read a review of your story that was published a while back. I thought that it was incredibly pretentious, rude, inaccurate, and far too biased to be written by someone with the credentials and experience they claimed to have. The reviewer's comments about how the story is boring in the middle, how she tells you exactly how she wants the story to be written in terms of plot but doesn't give any references to different plotting styles or demonstrate knowledge of different plotting styles, and how her notes on writing style were condescending at best...and also lacking references...I know I'm a hypocrite for saying this because I am a reviewer on Wattpad, but I would advise you to be really wary of taking critique from people on this website. Especially people who claim to have credentials but don't care to post their own writing and don't reference any material having to do with the art and mechanics of writing fiction. People who don't demonstrate knowledge of the writing process or knowledge about the process of becoming an author aren't going to help you, especially when they refuse to recognize that every single author is in a different stage of both. 

Every manuscript goes through a very long stage where it "isn't ready for a bookshelf yet," and it's really important that reviewers acknowledge that...chances are, their own manuscripts aren't ready for a bookshelf yet either.  Some would argue that a manuscript is never ready for a bookshelf. Ernest Hemingway said that "we are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master." Ironic, since he definitely wrote some masterful works. Criticizing a WIP as if it's finished is like criticizing an animator's storyboards in the early stages of production because their frames aren't completed, colored, lighted, rigged, animated, and edited yet. You cannot rush the creative process. And on a website like this, everybody is going to be at a very different stage of that creative process. For a lot of people, that's what this website is for: posting WIP so that we can connect with one another and offer support!

Lots of "reviewers" will critique without any regard for the writer applying and will only offer deconstructive advice that aims to bloat their own egos. They choose to see the writing as a finished product and refuse to recognize where an author is in their writing journey. Instead of offering guidance, education, and resources, they offer misinformation and a cruel bias that's oftentimes written in a scathing manner to make them seem like they know more than they actually do. A true reviewer or critic who helps authors with their WIP would know how to educate, not berate an author and make them feel ashamed of their work. This behavior, to me, suggests blatant ignorance. This is not how most programs train their students to critique and it's definitely not how the professional world of writing works. Everyone must recognize that writing is a process and that every author's work is at a different stage in that process. You cannot succeed if you don't.

Please take everything I've suggested for your story with a grain of salt, and if you want to know more about writing resources and even fantastic free online courses where you can work with genuine authors on your manuscript, feel free to message me on my personal account. I'd love to share these resources with you. I can't wait to see where this manuscript goes!

 I wish you luck with your revisions and thank you for applying for a review.

See you, space cowboy.