Sam looks over pages out of some texts books and waits for Dean to head off to his room. Soon the bunker becomes dark and Sam sits alone in the dark with a light on in the fading distance of the room. Sam pours another drink and slowly gets lost in some memories of his life and how big of a role Dean has played in it.

Sam's mind played out his whole life right before him and he sat there while it played and drank away his sorrows. Flashes of Dean and Cas disappearing before his eyes with Dick being killed and looking around for his brother but no sign of him, then Kevin being taken by Crowley.
Crowley- " Looks like you're well and truly on your own."
Those few words set panic and this deep darkness inside of him. He has no one, no one in his whole life and he felt a tightness in his chest and this rush of not being able to breathe. Days went on and Sam felt dead inside but his heart still beat, he didn't know why it continued to go when he had nothing to live for. Then he hit a dog and rushed to find help for this poor soul in his hands. He was out of control and suicidal by the thought that he had lost Dean forever. He didn't know what happened that night Dick was killed. If Dean was alive where did he go, Heaven? Sam didn't have an idea and the idea set inside him that Dean was gone and he was never coming back to save him. Hitting that dog gave Sam's life a little more and then meeting Amelia helped Sammy. He and her were both broken and have both lost soo much that they helped one another sorta heal. Sam knew she saved him and was so greatful to have something that was real and something that he could hold onto.
Sam- "You saved me." (Sam said to Amelia)

Through this whole time Dean was in Purgatory and Sam had no clue and didn't look for him, cause his whole family was dead and there was no hope left inside Sammy's heart. So even though he thought the best thing was to die, he found Amelia and a new thought came to his mind. He needed to find himself, to try to live in this crazy, new strange world where he knew nothing familiar.
He had been through much before every thing with Dick Roman. Ever since he got his soul back, he was tormented with memories of Hell, then not know what was real or not, having Lucifer yelling and keeping him up, not sleeping cause he didn't want to see it all. He couldn't rest at all. Sam almost died in a mental hospital from everything and then soon he lost everything, he lost his brother. "His world imploded" as he put it.

When Dean came back, Sam had mixed feelings. What he should have done was sit down and talked to Dean but he didn't explain and Dean got soo much rage and hate from that, he thought he just bailed on him cause he didn't look for him and their relationship hit a very bumpy road and hasn't reached a smooth part yet. And having the brokeness inbetween them is the reason he took on the trials.

Sammy took them all for Dean. He wanted to show him that he puts him first. He wanted to carry their burdens so Dean didn't have to, lke everything he has carried throughout his whole life. Sammy didn't want Dean to carry more weight, he wanted to prove to his brother that he could do this, and he suffered for that, the trials were painful and a lot of pressure on him. He saved his brother from doing the trials and ended up dying in a hospital.

And when he was dying, he wanted to let go. He thought he was holding Dean back. He told Death that, he didn't want anyone to get hurt because of him. Sam was refering to Dean. Dean has done soo much for him in his whole life and he couldn't bare to think that Dean would suffer more cause of him. Everything was his fault, everything. Dean had a chance at a normal life, but Dean always chose him and Sammy messed Dean's and their father's lives forever. Dean went to Hell cause he loved Sammy too much and Sam had to deal with all of that, and not being able to save him. Dean was stuck and no matter what he did, Dean wasn't getting out, no demon would make a deal with him. He wanted to sell his soul for his big brother and he didn't even want a year in exchange, all he wanted was for Dean to be alive and safe and for him to take his brother's place and suffer for all that he thought he deserved to be punished for. Sammy wanted to burn in Hell for Dean, so he could be free and safe and to breathe a blast of fresh air, for the chance to give Dean his life back like all the times he has given to him. Dean's deaths have added to this darkness that he held inside his heart. He couldn't burn his brother's body cause he was determind that he would be his brother's hero for once.

Sam wanted to kill Lillith to get payback for what happened to Dean. This was the olny thing keeping Sam alive, keeping him from suicide. And that is the reason he began to drink demon blood. Sam was okay with destroying himself to kill her and finally end it all. But then Dean returned from Hell and Sam was now hooked on demon blood and when Dean found out he called Sammy a monster and all hope was beginning to fade from within him. Sam kept his faith in Dean even when Dean lost it all for him. Dean continued to break piece by piece of Sam's heart but Sam still loved his brother and he just wanted to make him proud of him, but everything Sam thought he was doing right kept pushing Dean farther away from him.

Sam finally made his sacrifice and jumped in the pit to Hell, ending his life and saving the world but mostly to save Dean. When he got control of his body from Lucifer he saw his brother: bloody and hurt and Sam felt soo much guilt in his heart. He caused all of this and it all began with just trying to save Dean from Hell.
Then he gave up his sanity, back after he got his soul back and when the wall fell down inside his head, so he could be with Dean.
Sam- ''I'm not leaving my brother alone out there." (The man who knew too much)

Sam couldn't tell what was real and he was lost in his own mind and Dean came to his side and Sam trusted him to help him. Then he was given a choice by Death to leave all of the pain behind, the hunting monster and to got to heaven were he would be left there and find peace and he choose Dean. Who appeared and told Sam that they were one and that Dean couldn't live without him and he had to continue to fight.

Dean- "There aint no me if there aint no you!"

He chose to live Because of Dean and all the things he has ever done and what he became to acomplish these goals where for Dean--to either prove to him that he was still his brother or that he was good to show him that he could be trusted even though it all came out wrong and shoved Dean farther back.

Dean has done soo much for him and in Sammy's eyes and heart he has only let him down and cause him pain and suffering. And was trying to be the best he could for his brother but everything added up and it all came out wrong and that all bottled up with amounts of Pain and Sam was feeling at the end again. He knew this sickness, where his batteries weren't charging wasn't cause of the trials he did but it was cause of who he was.
The darkness of the room didn't measure to the darkness in his soul and heart and all the dark places in his mind. Sam was so tired of fighting this fight that had no exit plan but death, and not even then was it a true exit, cause Dean would do something to save him and he would feel twice as worst knowing that Dean would possibly be going through more pain cause of who he was and this endless cycle needed to be over, it needed to end and Sam was soo tired and he was just done with...everything. Nothing seemed to matter, nothing gave him hope and all he had ever done to and for Dean was to giving him pain and make Dean's life worst.

Sam was done.