j a i m e e

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The door to the diner gives a musical welcome as I push it open, hitting me with a much needed gust of warmth. The familiar smell of greasy food hit me, and I wasn't complaining. I ordered my usual, curly fries and the Chicken NewYorker, before scanning the diner until I saw my friends at the table in the corner.

"You took your time." Libbie said impatiently, cocking her eyebrow as I walked over to the table with my food.

"Not my fault." I shrug, laying into my burger. "Had homework to mark and it took longer than I thought. For fifth graders, some of my kids are just unbelievable."

"What a shame." She rolls her eyes with disgust, "It's disappointing to see the state of this new generation. We were causing chaos at their age and now they can't even spell without using their phones!"

I watched her rant in amusement, the corner of my lip tugging up as her impatience started to show.

"You've not been laid, have you?" I ask her knowingly.

The argument that she was having with herself stopped and she stares at me as if I've just said the most ridiculous thing in the world.

She's so predictable.

Just as I'm about to continue, she lets out a cry and puts her head on the table, shaking it back and forth which I took as a yes.

"See what I've been putting up with?" Taylor sipped his coffee, his lip curling up as he gestures his head towards our friend. "She needs a husband before her sex deprivation kills us both."

Libbie's head shoots up from the table at his words, narrowing into slits. "Are you joking? The only thing that's going to kill you is when you burn to death when that coffee gets thrown in your face."

"I'd like to see you try, dollface."

"Well I know how you can solve your problem." I smile at them too nicely for it to be authentic, before deliberately moving my eyes to and from each of them.

"I'd rather choke on my coffee."

"Ew, Jai! No. Absolutely not." Libbie's lip curls upwards but I know that it's an act. She's wanted into Taylor's pants since he first hit puberty. "If my day gets any worse I'm asking hell if they have an exchange program. I can't do this anymore."

"How's work, Libb?"

"I hate it. I thought working at a nursery would be fun but kids are scary." She shudders, "I also discovered that my only chance at happiness is with cats and ice cream."

"You never stop complaining." Taylor whines, throwing his head back dramatically.

"Have you seen my life?" Libbie fires back instantly.

Libbie's always been one of the constants in my life. Her effortless banter and kindness was something that drifted me towards her in pre-school and I've been stuck with her since. I've known Taylor that long too, but we only became close when I started dating his best friend. Even after our breakup, Taylor still made time for both Libbie and I. Even though they argued like sailors, I knew that they'd finally get together one day. He was too soft and gentle in front of her to not be nervous, and she's too openly obsessed with him to deny that she's into him.

Chuckling, I start to finish the rest of my burger as their childish banter continues.

The door to the Diner opens, the bell echoing, but I'm too focused on my food to care.

God, I love food.

"Mighty Joe please, love." A voice I recognize so brutally speaks up, I freeze, pausing my hands in mid-air.

I turn my head to see who it was, if it was him and ardently hoping it wasn't. He's wearing a pair of dark jeans that hang a little too low on his hips for my brain to deal with, silver chains that glint under the light, and a tight-fitting black turtleneck. Yet it doesn't hide the tattoos on his neck from creeping out.

My stomach drops, as do my hands as my appetite completely dissipates.

"Oh my god." Libbie mumbles, having noticed him too, her voice barely a whisper as I feel her gaze move to my face. "Are you okay?"

I nod my head, not trusting myself to give her a verbal reply.

Shayden Nkosi hasn't noticed us yet, despite us being well within his peripheral vision. I can see the side of his face almost perfectly in the fluorescent lighting, the sharpness of his cheekbones and jawline perfectly on display. His lips are full, his hair looking perfect and soft and I resist the sudden urge to stand up and hug him, just so I could feel the familiar smell of his coconut shampoo. He looks so different from the boy I left in pieces, crying and begging for me to stay, when I broke up with him in our home four years ago. I haven't seen him since, convinced that he'd moved to another State for college.

He laughs at something the waitress says, my stomach twists callously with a pain that I didn't realize was still possible. The muscles in his arms flex as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money for his food.

Using all the self restraint I have, I tear my eyes away from him and go back to facing my best friends, who are both looking at me knowingly.

"You haven't seen him since, have you?" Taylor asks, eyebrows furrowed.

My own furrow in return, surprised that Shay didn't tell him that we don't speak or see each other anymore. Not since the break up. Not since that day when everything fell into pieces.

I would've thought that, out of everyone, he would've told Taylor. Between us, he was always the open book. The soul was so effortlessly good and trusting that he never shied away from people.

I was the opposite. Neither Libbie or Taylor had been told and they hadn't asked, until now. Knowing full well that I wouldn't want to talk about it.

But then I realize that he might avoid talking about the entire situation, just like I do.

"No, I haven't." I clear my throat, continuing at a louder volume. "So, what hap-"

Something falls to the floor beside me and, panicking, my head spins around to see that he was staring directly at me, his phone on the floor. The diner light glistened, highlighting the pools of ink in his night black eyes. A kaleidoscope of colors dance across his face, paralleled by his changing emotions.

Shayden's mouth is open slightly and it takes everything inside of me to not shatter as the barrier in his eyes breaks down.

A million thoughts litter my mind as I remind myself of who the fuck I am. My head remains held high as we look at each other, I don't allow myself to waver for even a second. My stare is callous, so callous that I see the corner of his mouth twitch in something that I can only describe as disappointment.

Purposely, I move my eyes up and down his body while keeping my face completely impassive, before turning my head to look back at Libbie and Taylor.

Smiling forcefully, I continue the conversation. "So what happened at work?"

Libbie's thoughts are obviously elsewhere as she continues very obviously staring at my ex boyfriend. "Jaimee, why did-"

"Can we talk?"

Goosebumps decorate the back of my neck as he speaks. Has his voice always been that deep? That raspy? Swallowing the pool of anxiety in my throat, I force myself to smother my long dark hair out and nod my head at his question, standing up and following him out to his car.

Taylor and Libbie both send me tight, strained smiles that do more damage to my anxiety than good.

Shayden Nkosi was the star-crossed love of my life. I'd known him since Pre-K and we finally got together when we were 14, after becoming close friends just a year prior. It'd been over nine years since we were 14 and four since our breakup. It tore our friendship group apart, and left me more broken than I ever could've imagined.

It never should've happened, I can't deny that. But it needed to, there never would've been another alternative.

I wasn't ever a woman of many words, but it'd never been that way around him. With Shayden, I'd always known what to say. Most of the time, I never needed to speak for him to understand what I was thinking. The suffocating weight I felt pressing down on my chest felt heavier when I realized that, right now, we were sitting next to each other like strangers. As though our history of electric kisses, gentle caresses and dizzying closeness never existed in the first place. As if we hadn't made out in the backseat of this car more times than I could count, or spent most of our lives together.

That thought was more painful than any hit or punch I'd ever taken. It hurt to think that the man who I've been desperately in love with since I was fourteen was so close to me but so far away.

"How've you been, Jaimee?" He starts off softly, placing the bag containing his food onto the back seat of his car.

"Good. I graduated from College and I'm working now." I shrug, trying to act as nonchalant as possible. I've never had to act like this before- I don't know how to do it. Shayden's the only person I've ever been with, the only ex I've ever had. "How about you?"

"You still aimin' to be a teacher?" Shayden looks genuinely interested in my response, which only makes me feel more guilty. "And I'm at MIT, moving up to my Post-Grad in Computer Science and Molecular Biology."

"Training to be. And wow, I'm really happy for you." I say earnestly, sending him a soft smile as pride swells in my chest. "You've done amazing, Shayden."

"It's weird though. 'Cause I've got so many good things goin' for me for the first time in my life, I have an amazin' scholarship and friend group, both ones from High School and College." Shayden explains calmly, "But no matter what I do or where I go, everythin' in my life always comes back to you."

I knew he'd do this. "Shayd-"

"I've been thinkin' a lot since the breakup about everything. You. Me. Our past. What I thought about our future." He continues, ignoring me. I make the decision then and there to stay entirely silent until he's said everything he needs to. I owe him that at least. "Our entire relationship just ran through my mind. I evaluated every single thing, no matter how big or small, that we went through. Every little part, how we started, the bad and the good days, the love, the comments, the sex, the dates. And then I realized something."

"Hm?" Our gazes meet once again, solely so he knows that I'm listening to him.

"That breakup reason was bullshit." Shayden shakes his head, his top lip curling up which told me he was getting annoyed. "It was fuckin' bullshit, Jaimee. We were together for five years and you had the nerve to try and lie to me. We went through hell together so why would you cheat on me? I know you didn't, you're not that sort of person. You wouldn't have done that to me. So I wanted to say that I didn't deserve to be made to think that so I want to know, why did you end it?"

"Shay-"

"Don't try to dismiss it with a stupid excuse or try to bullshit me again. I want the truth; I deserve the truth."

I can't tell you the truth, I want to say, because it'll destroy you.

"You do." I say instead. I nod my head, biting my lip to stop it from shaking. "I fell out of love so I ended it. That was it."

"Then why didn't you just say that? We could've fought for us, worked through it, stayed friends. Things could've been so different." He pushes, not tearing his stare from mine for even a second. "Why lie to me? Why make me question every single thing in our relationship? Why make me doubt myself?"

Pressure begins to rise within my chest as I fight desperately to stop the panic attack threatening to overtake me. I can't think about this now, I can't.

"Because," I clench my eyes shut as my voice breaks, inhaling deeply. "Because I needed you to hate me."

"Huh, thought we grew past the 'I don't deserve you' self-deprecation in Junior Year."

Fuck this.

"I need to go. Libbie and Taylor are waiting for me." I dismiss myself easily, stepping out of the car before he can stop me. But before I slam the door shut, I take one final glance at him and speak softly, "I hope you're doing okay, Shayden. Truly."

"This isn't over, Jai." He shouts behind me, but I keep walking. Not faltering for even a second. "You don't mean any of that. You forget that I know you."

"The fuck I don't." I shout back over my shoulder, slamming the door shut behind me as I stroll back over to the table.

Grabbing my bag, I say a quick bye to my friends without stopping to give them a second to question me. Libbie will phone me later checking up on me, Taylor would probably drop a text in the morning. But, at this moment, I don't care.

I can't care, because it'll break me.

I thought he moved away. We planned it out. He had scholarships offered everywhere; Harvard to Princeton, Yale to Stanford. Not MIT, he didn't even apply there. But I guess he was smart enough to fly past every other student.

Breaking up with Shayden was the worst thing I've ever done but it needed to happen. And, my mindset was, in the long run, he'd end up better. Finding another girl at College miles away, where he could heal. I was certain he left. How else did I get away with not seeing him for years?

Getting back to my apartment, I lock the doors and walk into my bedroom, collapsing onto my bed without caring about needing to clean up.

Tears prick my eyes, the sudden urge to curl up into a ball and sob was seeming rational as every second passed. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to leave and be happy. Find a girl who was perfect for him, who could love and adore him in a way that I couldn't anymore.

I couldn't look into his beautiful black eyes and lie to him. I couldn't pretend I was okay when every part of me felt broken and used and shattered.

I couldn't face seeing him everyday with the knowledge that his best friend raped me and I was the reason he disappeared from all our lives.