j a i m e e

+

Since the day my parents were ripped so cruelly from the world, I had grown painfully used to crying. The sharp sound of secret sobbing wasn't unfamiliar for me to hear in the years following. When I lived with Remi at Shayden's, I used to hear my older brother crying downstairs at ungodly hours, probably having woken up from another continuous nightmare. And then when we got an apartment, he used to sit in my room when he thought I was sleeping just to check I was still there, and eventually his crying would fade.

I'd only seen him cry once in my life before Mom and Dad died, and that was after an event in 8th Grade that landed me in the ICU. But from the moment we watched our Mom's heart stop, our pain was never ending.

I never cried at the beginning. The therapist I saw after the rape spoke through it with me, told me it was just the shock and unfamiliarity of the situation that made me almost dissociate from myself, not allowing myself to feel anything in order to protect myself. It took Remi breaking down at their graveside on their first anniversary for things to hit me properly. Since then, we've gone together to the Cemetery on every birthday and anniversary.

The anniversary was today. 8 years since the day that Remi and I lost our entire foundation of love and support. I'd stayed over at his home last night but having been unable to sleep, I'd eventually left the guest room at 6am and made a drink, sitting in the dining room.

Just as I go to take a sip of my third Hot Cocoa, I hear shuffling in the other room as Remi walks in. Judging by his red-rimmed, hooded eyes, I assume automatically that he'd been in the same position as I when it came to the insomnia.

"Buenos días, hermana. ¿Estás bien?" He asks quietly, ruffling my hair before planting a quick kiss onto my forehead.

(translation: good morning, sister. are you okay?)

"Yes, Rem." I rolled my eyes at the fact he still spoke in Spanish. It sounds awful but since Mom and Dad died, I barely remember how to speak it fluently and that would never have happened if they were still here. My Mom was Jamaican and my Dad Mexican. He taught her how to speak it before Remi was born and he always insisted on us speaking Spanish and only Spanish when we were in our home. The only exception was when any of our friends were over, aside from Shayden as my Dad firmly believed that any of his children's partners needed to know Spanish so our potential future children would too.

Remi respected my father's wishes when it came to his five year old daughter, Starr. She could speak both English and Spanish, and Rem never failed to remind her of how proud her Abuelo would be.

(translation: grandad)

"It's a weird day." I remark quietly, eyes fixated almost instinctively on the warm liquid in my cup. Nostalgia and this general feeling of awkwardness was normally bestowed upon me today. It'd been so long but it still felt so fresh to think about the fact the people who made me were no longer here.

Before Remi has the chance to reply, Starr comes bundling into the room. Her curls bounce off her shoulders as she ignores her father and comes straight over to me, arms open expectantly.

"Morning, bubba." I send her a soft smile as she curls her arms around my neck, resting on my lap. "Do you want some breakfast?"

She nod her head, eyes lighting up. "Pancakes?"

We both look at Remi hopefully, I was well aware of his strict healthy eating policy when it came to him and his daughter but today, as far as Starr was concerned, was her Abuelo's and Abuela's special day.

(translation: grandad, grandma)

Remi's lips just tugged up slightly as he nodded his head, before he started taking what he needed out of the cupboards.

"Is Papi okay?" Starr asked quietly, snuggling into my arms.

My teeth pulled on my lip as I looked at my niece. Faint freckles adorned her nose and cheeks as she stared up at me with warm, brown eyes. The same eyes that my father had. My soul ached for a bond that I couldn't get back and it burned for the bond that Starr would never experience.

"Sometimes, bub, we get a bit sad because we miss our Mami and Papi." I explain gently, "But he will be okay because he's got us, okay? We look after each other?"

She nods her head enthusiastically, "I love you, Auntie Jai."

"I love you, bubba." I say instantly, ensuring that I didn't add a 'too' to the end. I wanted Starr to know that my love for her was real, just as equal to hers for me and not just an agreement. "My Dad would've adored you, bub. So, so much."

"Really?" She replies hopefully, "What was he like?"

"He was gentle, and kind, and so funny. He used to make me and your Papi laugh so much. He loved Abuela with everything in him. He was always trying to find out more about the universe and life and love, and god did he love being alive. He always told your Pops and me that having a baby was the most wonderful blessing and I didn't know how true that was until Remi had you."

"Do you miss him?"

"Everyday, baby girl, everyday."

+++

The sky was painted in hues of orange and yellow as we stepped out of Remi's car. The sun dipped low in the horizon as the wind hummed quietly, the trees swaying in welcome and I actually found the strength to visit the place that I never should've had to see.

It had been months since I'd last been here, due to our parents birthdays and their anniversary being so far apart, but my breathing still shook as the surreal memories overtook me. It still hurt as if it was the day it happened.

Everyone always told me it'd get easier with time. But it didn't.

I trekked up the hill to where I knew their gravestone was lay, Remi and Starr hot on my trails.

As usual, my gaze fluttered towards the words engraved onto their resting place.

Your wings were ready but our hearts were not.

God, our lives are so empty without them beside us.

Remi tried to wrap his arm around my shoulder but I just shrugged him off. It pisses me off that they left, that something in this universe decided that their time was up. It wasn't fair and it wasn't their time.

They should've lived until they were in their eighties, annoying both mine and Remi's kids with their 'back in our day' stories. My Mom should've been teaching her grandchildren about what her life was like in Jamaica, teaching them about our heritage. My Dad should've been shouting at me for not speaking Spanish and practically begging me to marry Shayden, who he approved of eventually.

I hated the fact that I still missed them, that I still feel dependent on them for almost everything I do.

My Dad tried to teach me and Shayden how to dance. It was our thing. For my quinceañera, we spent months trying to perfect our father and daughter dance, so much that it became our thing. They died two months after I turned 15 and, till this day, I've never been able to listen to the song we danced to.

It brought back so many memories and just reminded me that I'll never be able to dance with my father again. Nothing will ever be able to replace that. Nothing will ever repair the hole left in my heart by my parents' deaths.

I'd give up the entire world for one more minute with them, one more hug. Just even a simple goodbye.

I let out a shaky breath, my hand running over the marble stone. "I miss you guys so much."

Tensing as I feel Remi touch my shoulder soothingly, I continue. "Pops, you would've loved Avengers Endgame, but it would've made you cry. No matter how much of a tough bastard you were."

"He would've been sobbing, wouldn't he?" Remi laughed, probably remembering how obsessed Dad was with the Marvel Comics when we were kids. We probably still have all his collections somewhere.

"I'd do anything to hear him rant about how shit DC was again." I admit quietly, a soft chuckle escaping my lips. "He really hated it."

"As he should. Marvel will always be better."

I just shake my head, smiling sadly as my eyes run over their names. "I love you 3000." I whisper low enough that Remi wouldn't be able to hear me. They better have movies in heaven because he needs to understand my reference, he needs to understand how much I adore and love them both with every ounce of my being. How much I missed them.

Standing up, I send my brother and niece a tight-lipped smile. "I'll wait in the car for you guys."

The walk was hard and trying not to look back was even harder.

Everything in my body felt heavy. Grief was an everlasting shadow on your shoulder that loomed beside you constantly. Sometimes, it dims and doesn't seem as prevalent and then, when you're least expecting it, it submerges you. Like you're falling into a deep and dark and never-ending abyss of loss.

"Hey."

I turn to my brother slowly, noticing the absence of my niece almost immediately. As if sensing my question, he clarifies. "She wanted to tell them about her day."

That warms my heart a little as my lips tug up, already aware that Starr will be telling my Mom and Dad all about her favorite TV show and the way Remi makes her eat all her vegetables. "She's cute."

"Hmh," Remi lets out a small hum, not being able to contain his own smile. "Are you okay?"

"Just one of those days, innit." I shrug nonchalantly, sighing.

"Yeah, I get you." He nods, "You'd tell me if it was anything else though, right?"

"Course." The lie burns my tongue but I try not to react. Judging by the look of disbelief on my brother's face, I knew he didn't believe me. So I decided to tell him about something so he wouldn't get suspicious. "Shayden's back."

"Hm- Wait, what?"

"Shayden..." My teeth tugs my lip into my mouth, nipping it. "I saw him at the Diner near mine like a month or two ago. He's been around."

"Holy shit," Remi releases a long breath, "How've you been with it?"

"It's been weird." I admit, "But it's nice, knowing he's okay and stuff."

"How is he?"

My face scrunches up as I remember the last talk I had with him, my heart stinging. The worst thing in the world was when you hear something and you can physically feel yourself break apart internally. Your stomach dropping, nausea, the pain in your chest.

"He..." I hesitate, biting the skin on my inner cheek. "He lost his Mom last year."

Remi stays silent for a few moments, his expression not shifting but I can see the fluid building in his eyes.

"I'm not sure how but yeah. I really wanted to see her again." I release quietly, eyes stinging.

I didn't say anything else, not wanting to push my brother. I knew what he was like when it came to emotions, I knew that he'd grieve for our second mother in his own way and as far away from his daughter as humanly possible.

"Why did you even stop seeing him?" Remi asks me, "I...I never understood what went on."

"It's a long story." I reply with, as blunt as possible.

"Okay."

"I'll tell you eventually." I won't. "I just need time."

"Jaimee, you can always talk to me. I'm here for you whenever you are ready. I won't push- if you want to tell me anything then that's completely your decision. But know I am here for you. Not only me, but Taylor and Libbie too. Mami and Papi would want us to look out for each other." Remi leaned forward and placed a kiss on my forehead. "Whatever we go through, we get through together." He whispered before pulling back. His words took my breath away and, whether it was the feeling of someone being there or the overwhelming few weeks, the tears stinging my eyes began to fall. And once they fell, they didn't stop.

"Remi." I sniffled, and his arms wrapped around me.

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." He mumbles as I buried my head into his shoulders and cried.

Unknown to my brother though, I wasn't just crying for our parents. I wasn't just crying for Shania or Shayden. I cried for the years of grief bestowed upon me. I cried for the night my choice was ripped away from me. I cried for the scars cascading down my shoulder blades that still hurt when I thought about how they got there.

I cried for my own futility. My futile ability to push my family away and hide behind all these fake personas.

"Thank you." I choked, pulling myself out of his hold and just leaning my head onto his chest instead.

"It's okay, Jai." He whispers, voice filled with compassion as he rubbed my back soothingly.

I don't know how much time had passed but eventually my tears dried up. I felt completely drained but my heart didn't hurt half as much as earlier and I felt like I could breath better.

But my thoughts were cascading into a place that I never want to go back to. The suffocation; anxiety consuming my lungs until I was almost gasping for breath.

Unknown to my brother, I was drowning. I'd been drowning for four years and I no longer knew how to distinguish between the Jaimee before and after.

Remi thought he could help me. He thought that talking about these things that I've bottled up for years would make me better.

But sometimes, you've got to let people drown. You've got to let them sink below the surface.

The people who were never meant to survive.